I have been a little too honest at times. Which I don't regret, per se, but I kind of hate saying those things. However my partner is such a self Gaslighter when it comes to his family that I really really really need him to know how I feel and where my boundaries are and more importantly why my boundaries are there. He does seem to understand why teachers and coaches and friends all complain about his kids, but I also don't want to rub it in too much.  So I try and make sure I'm still being fairly honest without saying things that are actually kind of cruel.

I enjoy my oldest SD8. We get along she follows rules and we're very close. It has to do with her real mom being mostly out of the picture and we have her full time. I homeschool her and I'm always working to establish a relationship with her. However my husband had twins (SD4 and SS4) with a junkie bitch during a rebound and they live 5 doors down. They have no rules and the mother tells them to disobey me and she takes horrific care of them (rotting teeth, sucking on bottles, tablets and tv 24.7 and diapers just ignoring them) so when they come it's a fucking nightmare sometimes. I wish he had never gotten her stupid ass pregnant and then I feel awful for thinking it. I'm about to kill the boy because he was totally potty trained and then all of a sudden he just started pissing on his bed every morning. We have them 50/50 so he's pissed on EVERY FUCKING BLANKET IN THE HOUSE and idk what to do. He seems to enjoy it and I really try not to hate their disrespectful asses. I know they're confused as hell because our 2 houses are so different but I also know that we're the only ones teaching them any sort of rules or discipline (discipline means "to teach") so I have to remain strong but they don't like me and they hate our house. I don't care mostly but it gets to me sometimes. Also sometimes they're very good and they follow the rules and it's fine but I've noticed once they follow the rules and they realize we're happy (because they're listening) they seem to think if we're happy it means the rules no longer apply so we bounce back between following rules and good behaviour and not listening and punished constantly. I know it'll take time but you all know how it is. 

There is honesty and then there is full disclosure honesty.

Certainly if you are experiencing behaviors or actions that are impacting you, your belongings, your kids, you have a right to be honest about what that impact is.. and ask that it be stopped.

And we have to keep in mind our audience.... and the potential fallout of being overly honest and think through what we hope to accomplish via our honesty.

I mean.. you want to vent about your crappy coworkers and boss?  It probably would be best to not do that with other coworkers and customers at work right?  Your venting could turn things around on you negatively at your work!  But sure... vent to your husband about that ogre of a boss!

You might see your regular cashier at the grocery store has a horrid purple shag cut now.. while honest.. would you tell her something she would likely be embarassed and hurt by? 

So... these kids.... he is their dad.. there is some unconditional love.. obviously.  But, what would you hope to accomplish?  Do you just want to hear him agree that he thinks his kids are turds?  That he will refuse visitation?  Because neither of those things is likely to happen and he will resent the heck out of you for trying to point out all their flaws.  He likely sees some of them and their behaviors frustrate him but he also understands that their mother is a strong force in creating some of this dynamic as well.. so he is bound and determined to have the best relationship he can with his kids..despite their imperfect behaviors.

So, it sounds like they do act like little turds and it also sounds like their mom has executed a pretty good PAS campaign.  But, you can insist on civility in your home.. when they fail to meet that test.. your DH can be asked to correct the issue.  You don't have to love them... they don't have to love you.  They don't even have to participate in your activities if they don't want to  (to a point)... I think you should be free to plan your life as you wish.. and not allow them to hijack your time.. even when they are sitting like lumps in their rooms.

I'm honest but not cruel.

"OSS has the same lazy work ethic that his mother does" sounds cruel and would make DH defensive.

"I worry that OSS is struggling with understanding how much work it will take for him to be a successful adult" sounds like I'm coming from a place concern and causes DH to look at the situation to decide if/how he wants to approach it.

What I actually think/fear is #1, but DH wouldn't respond in a constructive way if I said it that way. So I'm thoughtful with how I present concerns/worries/criticisms.

Now, when it comes to ET, I don't hold my tongue. DH would rather I never mention her name, but if she does/says something stupid, I don't tend to hold in my disdain.

Also I should add that yes we're honest about their behaviour. I don't say I hate them but I will say I'm way more willing to create relationships with his children then he's willing to do so with mine. When my children left from their summer visit he said he was relieved and we didn't talk for a week. I was pissed. I said wow welcome to my world, meaning I only see my children sometimes yet his spawn come over weekly. Birth mom is a fucking idiot with their care and scheduling. I cannot stand feeling like my home isn't my own and I'm starting to do what I want and leave their care to daddy. I'm out. 

It gets frustrating when people around you continue to remind you that "they are just kids". It seems that stuff kids are still just kids when they're teenagers and when they're young adults and when they were full adults... At what point do we consider them grown enough to accept the responsibility for their own actions and attitudes? How long does their parents divorce you get blamed for all the problems in their life? I really do wonder about these things, it's as if children of divorced free pass to be a jerk for the rest of their lives all they have to do is play the child of divorce card and people will have sympathy for them and accept the rude and mean things they do as an expression of their victims would rather than a result of them just not being a good person.

I don't tell my d h how I really feel about SD because I want to stay married. I do give him the space and acceptance if he wants to vent about her, that's about the closest I get. Sometimes I'll complain about beings attitudes or actions and as with your stepkids there's a lot of overlap between how BM acts and how SD acts. I think my husband knows deep down how I really feel because it's evident from what I say about BM. 

My husband has said for a while now that he doesn't like who SD is becoming because she is taking after b m and her family very much. I don't come out and agree with him I will tell him that it must be difficult to not have influence over who she becomes. Then we going to have conversations about how we can help our kids be good people. We talked about how we need to encourage them to volunteer and to think critically and to be generous. All things that BM did not teach SD. As I said it's evident what my feelings about SD are even though I don't say them. 

Nothing wrong with being honest, the problem is typically the DH's when presented with honesty tend to take it negatively no matter how kindly or gently it's put.  Not sure if it's an ego thing, or if it's a reflex to feeling ineffective in their childrens lives.  DH and I can talk honestly about our kids and be critical when needed with out offending one another.  Yet when we used to talk about Spawn DH was defensive no matter how kindly or gently I tried to say things.  

Yes but in all honesty, it was my sons being butts. I heard the comments he made, took time to cool off and let go of my knee jerk reaction to someone critiquing my spawn, and then realized there was some truth in his complaints. It was tough to handle because we all like to think our kids are the best ones. We made changes. Rules were altered and life actually went on. My son(only one) was the butt, I like to think it changed who he became. Hopefully so but he's his wife's problem now lol. 

If there is something specific then, yes, I tell DH how I feel. I try to be as kind as possible but I fear I fall short of that goal sometimes. His kids are not terrible people, and there is a lot of good in both of them, so I try to focus and comment on that.

But he knows I don't want to spend much time with them.

I agree, it is possible to be honest, but not cruel.  I think my trouble is, I have had so much harsh treatment at the hands of NPD BM and her daughters, over the years, that remarks I make about the SDs to DH, come out tinged with this historical anger that I feel over it all, not least with him because he did not have my back.  He does now, but for years he didn't.  I am probably a bitter hag, but hey, with good cause. 

They should respect you and your home.  He not doing those things.  If you already talked to DH about respect. He is not inforcement respect. Then no more talking is going to be any good.  So this is time for disengaging.  As in do nothing for SK.  Let DH cook, clean, transport ect.  If he's ok with his kids disrespect him. There nothing you can do.  Just get out of the circus.

I am honest with my DH, but we are far down this alienation path, and he dislikes SS21, too.

Even when i tiptoe around and tell him in the nicest way possibly he pouts like a baby for days on end! 

So this last time i was pissed at DH i told him that she basically screwed us over, he brought up for days that i want very nice and really hurt his feelings.  I said, "ok, but she did." That was the most honest I've been about sd. And a bad as i feel that it hurt my husband's feelings, I'm glad i was honest, but no, I've never told DH that i can't stand his whiney, annoying, manipulative liar of a child. 

And it would be hard to NOT be honest in our situation. DH's kids have been very horribly disgusting to me over the years, witnessed by countless people. After the retirement party fiasco, I've told them all to kiss my arse and told him they can all kiss my arse. Cruel? Maybe so. But DH has ownership in this mess. Had he been a handled things like a real parent, we might now be where we are today. But yet...here we are. Coming on 4 years I haven't spoken or seen these people. 

After what I've been thru with this crew, brutal honesty is all I got. 

When SS was a kid, there were times I could not stand him, I wanted him gone, move back in with BM.  I'd let my husband know that SS was getting on my nerves but I never flat out told him I didn't like his son.  I don't know that I necessarily disliked him anyway.  I still don't flat out say I don't like him. I readily admit I don't like SDIL.  My husband doesn't like her either.  In fact, we haven't talked to them in two years. It's been peaceful.  If he ever decided to resume contact with them, he'd have to do it without me and our bios.  He'd have to see them outside of our home, they are not welcome here, we would not participate in family gatherings with them, and I would not talk to them.  I don't hate them and I don't have to prove that I don't hate them by associating with them.  I don't have to hate somebody to refuse to be around them.  He's accused me of hating them in the past.  Granted he was drunk at the time but it still annoyed me when he was accusing me.  It took him seeing for himself who his son really is:  a lying ingrate.  He tried to blame BM because she was a liar too.  I had to point out that he had us teaching him that lying is wrong but he's now an adult and is responsible for his behavior, don't blame it on her.   Yes, your BM is a bad influence and bad parent.  But they have an example of a good person in your husband.  They're choosing to be like her.  At some point these skids need to be held accountable for how they choose to behave in life.  

For somebody who freely blasts everyone with his truthful assessments, my DH84 is a sensitive fragile flower when it comes to his kids.  He has never been able to hear a negative word about them.  They are in their 50s and 60s now and long gone.  While he would still have trouble hearing honest statements from me, he's seeing them more realistically as he and they age so I'm less tempted to burst his bubble.. He's still defensive, though.  So when I said YSS's new GF might have an issue once she realized YSS was almost bankrupt, probably not divorced and in legal trouble, not to mention being adoring dad to 3 jealous girls, he tuned me out.  Lol.

He is our kid.  We talk about him with each other.

i used to tip toe around DH and his son , but over the last 2 years especially i have not held back ,,ive told him exactly what other people are thinking about his youngest son,, ive told him how much of a spoiled brat his kid is because of him , BM and his family ,,,ive told him his kid is purely unlikeable and it shows as he cant keep friends , no other parents like having him over, his teachers arent fond of him , his step father on the other end wants nothing to do with him and just generally any room this kid walks into  completely changes the energy and people leave.  The older the kid gets the more DH sees this and has excepted and agreed with everything ive said,,, which is a huge difference from years ago.  thank fck i live on my own with my 20yr old son , our house is fun , friendly and negative energy free 

DH and I have no reason to discuss SS28. I'm way disengaged and DH doesn't bother to bring him up to me. The only time SS is a topic of discussion between us is when something to do with him threatens to cross one of my boundaries. For example: "No, DH, it is not OK if SS28 stays in our spare bedroom for two weeks while he's in town." Or, "No, DH, SS will not be dog-sitting while we're gone." If DH persists, he's likely to hear something along the lines of "Either SS will be spending those two weeks in a hotel, or I will. You choose." Or, "Because he kicked her last time he was here, remember?"

I made the mistake of sharing with DH an opinion about his crotchling early in our marriage. I wasn't mean about it, just made a factual observation. DH coldly informed me that my comments were not welcome and proceeded to ignore them. So all he hears from me now is what is and is not acceptable from SS--although sometimes in my outside voice.