SDs, dementia and the drama continues…
It has been a toxic nightmare for 18 years, my DH and I went no contact with adult SDs in the last 2 years. My DH has recently been diagnosed with dementia, the SDs continue the pressures they have recruited my sister in law and her daughter and now they are all pressing that we need to let them back into our lives because they are family. We are dealing with narcissists and already know they will only cause problems, take advantage of our situation and cause huge upsetting that we don't need. In the past things were so bad, their behavior was affecting my health.
My DH doctor says no drama for DH and me, I am in a very stressful situation, suffer for sleep depravation as I am alone dealing with my DH illness. Allowing them back into our lives I would not survive it.
I know since my husband and I both are owners of our house I can refuse them to enter but what about my husband now in his condition he might forget and say yes the can enter if they show up.
This is the worse situation, I feel that I am living in a nightmare and I will wake up and it will be over but unfortunately it's not, it's real.
I don't even trust them to pick up my husband and go, I fear they won't bring him back.
If in the future he gets worse and I am forced to place him in a nursing home, I fear they might get him out and I will never see him again.
Over the years I got to know them and they won't take no and they will stop at nothing. Nothing would surprise me.
My DH and I have done all the legal papers such as DPOA, healthcare surrogate and living will, preneed guardian. My DH specified in his that he doesn't want them to make any decisions for him and his care.
I still fear because of what I have seen them do, they continue their smear campaign against me, they blame me that their dad doesn't want to see them, and they tell lies to make themselves the victims and me the horrible witch, they will never accept responsibility for their actions.
I wish someone knew to advise what happens in a situation like this.
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Comments
I am so so sorry you are
I am so so sorry you are going through this.
My DH's health scare last year was a blessing in disguise, as we saw firsthand how the skids behave in crisis--and it is not pretty. They, too, have mostly been out of our (especially my) lives because of bad behavior.
That you have your legal papers in order is a GOOD THING.
My DH, after last year, told me that if he gets sick again, I am NOT to notify the skids. He said if he dies before me, I am only to notify them re: plans for scattering his ashes. If he goes before me, those kids will NOT set foot in this house at that time. I can arrange at a later date to give them some of his belongings. I am not a cruel person, but I am very relieved that HE decided all of this. . . because otherwise it would be torture for me.
In reality, it sounds like you have all of your ducks in a row. Legally, it sounds like these monsters cannot do anything and you may be reacting because of the "what ifs" floating around in your head because of past trauma related to them. Please cut off any contact with them and with anyone who acts as a go-between or shares info. You are right: You don't need this stress right now. If ANYONE "confronts" you about this, the answer is, "My doctor said NO DRAMA for us." Period.
If your DH needs to be placed in a nursing home, there is no law stating that you need to tell them where he is.
SHUT ALL DOORS. LOCK IT ALL UP. You have the power to do this, so take that power and take care of yourself!
***I cannot stress enough that you need to set firm boundaries with SIL and niece--anyone who runs back to his kids with "info" and anyone who pressures you into doing what you do not want to do. You need to be clear with them. If they don't respect your boundaries, they can be booted into the black hole, too.
I don't know the laws in your
I don't know the laws in your area, but, as his spouse, you would be his #1 guardian. Without a court order, if his children were to take him and not return him, it would be kidnapping and they could face charges.
If you put him in a care home, please be sure to let the facility know that his children are contentious and may not "check him out", or better yet, may not even visit him unsupervised.
I'm sorry you've received this brutal diagnosis. I used to work in a memory care facility and dementia is an isidious disease.
Dementia, Alzheimers, related
Dementia, Alzheimers, related conditions are insidious. Toxic interfering manipulators make it all that much worse.
Mom's dad had Alzheimers. Fortunately there was not a ton of drama with his family or my GM's.
Dad's mom had multiple infarctic dimentia. There was some challenges with dad's extended family early but his intollerance for the bullshit ended that in fairly short order. We sold her home, moved her to our State within 15min drive from mom and dad, my family, and my brother's family and integrated her into the broader family dynamic. The facility she was in was outstanding. She thrived their for the last 5yrs of her life. Her elder sister expressed concern about my GM's situation, care, facility, etc.... Dad flew his Aunt out for a visit with my GM. Her facility set up an extra bed her her apartment unit, and they were like teens at boarding school for the couple of weeks my great aunt visited. GM's sister was thrilled with the life her baby sister was living. Toxicity can make these diseases so much worse. The additional stress is a killer for everyone on the caring side of the scale. Particularly for the one with the disease. Converseley, positivity can optimize the quality of life for the patient and improve the whole process, disease progression, and experience for the family members who actually care and engage positively.
My GM's sister would have loved to have stayed with her baby sis. GM passed about a year after her big sis's visit. Dad's aunt lived for nearly another 10 years and passed a few years before turning 100. My GM passed just before turning 85. Dad's aunt was the eldest of 9. BM was about in the middle.
When they are idiots and toxic, purge them. Preserve your own quality of life and the memories you have yet to make with your DH.
Tough Situation
Looks like you have everything in order legally but something I would do is have a fresh visit with your attorney. Go in for a review and for fresh advice / counsel. I cannot imagine the pain and worry you are going through right now. Visiting with your attorney can help alleviate some of that. Please...remember to take care of YOU also during this time.
Best to you.
Somehow us SP are door mats
We have to just say NO. No is a complete sentence. No SIL. NO drama. You don't need this dysfunction. Simple no
Agree with all of the above.
Agree with all of the above. Don't give SKs any information. You do not have to disclose who is doctor is, where a potential nursing home would be, etc. Protect your peace. Do the SKs have any keys or passcodes to the house? Change those if you can. Get a ring doorbell/outside cameras if you can. Hopefully this will deter any surprise visits.
Also
Just to see, change all of your computer, online, Netflix, etc. passwords. I wonderhow many of them they had.
Im in camp nonono
Do not entertain a single shred of contact with them. If it affects your health thats a huge no, especially since you are already dealing some really hard ch!t.
steps and fears
It looks like you have it covered legally. The included statement that DH does not want his kids deciding his care should be a big help if they decide to challenge.
Your fears are my fears. DH has two daughters. One who is second on the POAs. The other who should not be anywhere near his care. We have things set up also so should be ok, but that fear never leaves.
DH also has what we refer to as 'memory issues'. Slowly declining. The POA daughter knows, but knowing has not made contact any more frequent than the two times a year it has been for years. I cant even get her to look at the binder I have put together for use if I die first. I dont anticipate any problem while DH is still alive. After DH dies our prenuptuial, combined with the will, should protect me. The other daughter does not know. We've seen her once on the last four years. No other contact. I have no intention of informing her. This one I expect to find the shadiest lawyer and try (unsuccessfully I believe) to get assets she believes are DH's but are actually mine.
If you read dementia boards you will find stories that will terrify you. One woman had the step kids pick up dad for what was to be an afternoon outing. She thought they were giving her a break. But, the afternoon outing was to a lawyer office where his kids got him to file for divorce. They took him to their home and convinced a judge he wanted the divorce and it went through. As soon as it was final they moved the DH from their home to a poorly run facility.
There was another woman whose step kids took their dad to their home and would not bring him back. They only kept him for a couple of weeks though. They realized how much care he needed and how small his assets were and returned him to his wife and promptly disappeared from his life.
All you (and I) can do is legally protect ourself as best we can. You have done that.
Omg...those stories!
Omg...those stories!
The dementia board is a
The dementia board is a really good source of information about dementia. Other support is spotty. The women who I referenced got great support for their circumstances. But, when a stepkid wrote about the stepmother financially abusing their dad (from what was written she was not), the step kid was taken at face value and the stepmother was vilified. After complaining online for weeks, the stepkid in this case went to a lawyer and was told the stepmother was not doing anything illegal. Stepkid and many board members were shocked to learn that after an over twenty year marriage, the stepmother had rights and did not have to have decisions approved by the stepkid.
Occasionally the system gets
Occasionally the system gets it right. When it does, IMHO, the SParent should leverage that to make a never ending point to their toxic SKids.
My tolerance for the toxic SKid, toxic X, or toxic IL clan shit is less than zero.
I believe every bit of these
I believe every bit of these stories- that's what many of us fear we will face, unfortunately. Given the track record there might be some plotting on the ends of one of my SKIDs. He's already found an artful way to have "access" to DH and I's bank account which I have now firmly deleted him OFF. Very insidious...but a great example of how he's already trying to crack into things.