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Do SKIDS always lie to StepParents?

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Sun, 07/31/2016 - 6:47am

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General Discussion

I do look after my SD12 when DH works - however, I am trying not to get to emotionally involved and will ask her where she's going etc. However, I know she will lie to me - is this something that Skids do?

I could go on but am going to leave it short & sweet Smile

Thanks

Last In Line's picture

Submitted by Last In Line on Sun, 07/31/2016 - 7:15am

Tell your DH that you can't watch SD anymore because she isn't honest with you about where she is going and what she is doing. You aren't obligated to watch a child that isn't yours.

If that isn't realistic, then there should be consequences for the lies. DH should lay them out--Next time you lie, X thing will happen. Then he has to follow thru. Every. Single. Time.

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Sun, 07/31/2016 - 1:23pm

Thanks - she just asks how I know she lied - making it out that I am unnecessarily checking up and spying on her... Then I feel bad for 'snooping' because I get a hunch that she is not being honest.

As for watching her, I don't think me not looking after her is realistic in my situation (as it would cause more conflict) bu I do think we could act on the consequences. It's just whether you should let some lies pass or when to enforce the consequences. Xx

Thank you for your comment and advice/suggestions xx

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Sun, 07/31/2016 - 7:59am

Kids and skids lie because they've been taught wrong consequences for their behavior. Most kids lie at first because they are afraid of getting in a lot of trouble, then they lie when they realize the consequences for it are either much better or much worse than if they told the truth (so dealing with lying children at any age is a really hard balancing act of punishing for the original action and reassuring that telling the truth is better.) Coupled with the fact that after an incident of lying, if the parent doesn't solidify ideas of empathy and integrity (such as, "lying hurts other people because it makes them not trust you") then it becomes an easy habit.

So no, it's not limited to skids. All kids will, at some point or another, try lying as a defense mechanism. How the adult responds to it is crucial in whether or not they develop it into a habit.

Unfortunately, because the parents are often not a united front, lying can be much easier to skids.

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Sun, 07/31/2016 - 1:25pm

I see you point completely. But I have said many many times all I ask is honesty and the truth, I will forgive as long as she is honest. Lies are by far more unforgivable.

Stepmom09's picture

Submitted by Stepmom09 on Sun, 07/31/2016 - 8:21am

I don't know if all do but mine does. But he lies to everyone so nothing special for me.

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Sun, 07/31/2016 - 1:33pm

Thanks HeavenLike - I do feel like I am setting myself up for a fall with SD. I will ensure DH knows I don't trust her and she lies to me - I just don't think I can not look after her. But I think, I can only do so much and as long as he is aware of everything it is up to him what he chooses. I am trying personally & emotionally to step back from SD; I have been trying to be the loved, wanted, kind & perfect SM but think that is failing and to much hurt and upset for me.

pinkb's picture

Submitted by pinkb on Sun, 07/31/2016 - 4:11pm

Dear MsMad,

I know this is tough to hear but I don't know one stepmother or stepfather no matter HOW perfect that ever meets the desire that you describe. Even if s/he has all the qualities and does all the things that would make anyone else feel that way about him/her. It's up to you but I'd toss that unicorn out the window right now. If it happens, it happens. When it doesn't, you'll be more and more frustrated as you keep trying harder and harder. It might happen one day in her 20s or 30s but I still wouldn't hold my breath. I adore my stepmother but I am 41 years old and though I was (usually) polite to her (out of respect for my father), I only crossed the line from tolerance to like (then love and ultimately adore) when I became an evil stepmother myself and realized all the nightmarish behavior she put up with all those years.

If you choose to continue to look after her you've got to make the parameters with DH very, very clear. Clear like "happy to look after her while she's at home but once she leaves the house her decisions are hers. You're a lucky guy. She must be a REALLY mature 12yo for you to feel comfortable with that.

All teenage girls get into trouble. Even the really good, well behaved teenage girls lie. Do you want to risk it being "all your fault" if something really bad happens? Get a sitter, camp, an after school program... something. Otherwise I wouldn't be responsible for her if she wasn't in your immediate sight.