Socially Unacceptable

Some persons believe that wishing BM dead is socially unacceptable, and I firmly believe that they are all entitled to their opinion.

However, aren't we really HERE because the socially acceptable understanding of step-family life just doesn't cut it for us stepparents?

Aren't we here so that we can do what is socially unacceptable and VENT e.g. call BM that demeaning name we want to, or admit to hating the Skids, or complain about how unfair the system is etc. while we search for the answers to make our situations better or for the courage to leave unfixable situations?

Aren't we here so that we can voice those things that simply cannot be said in real life because only people who have walked in our shoes could possibly understand? So that we can voice the unspeakable, without getting the "you-knew-what-you-were-getting-into" lecture? So that we can say what we feel because despite what society thinks, we're human and normal not alien and evil?

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The one I hate the most is

The one I hate the most is the 'you shouldn't have married your husband' lecture. My husband and I are perfect together, but his mistakes of the past aren't fixable since they produced a kid.

"while we search for the

"while we search for the answers to make our situations better or for the courage to leave unfixable situations?" <--------- In my opinion only, THAT is what is missing the most. There are solutions to every problem IF you really want to find a solution.

There are solutions to every

There are solutions to every problem IF you really want to find a solution.

I find this interesting, and I'm coming to you honestly.

My signature line is:

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

It's kind of like me... cylical, contradictory and doesn't really allow you an answer you aren't willing to seek yourself.

But it's a lot like the serenity prayer. Accept the things I can not change... the things I can not fix. In doing that I let go of the idea that it will ever be any different. Accept that I just can't find a solution..

So in that perhaps is my solution?

WSM, I understand that

WSM, I understand that that's your opinion.

I agree that there are always solutions to be found, but what I don't agree with is the assumption that some people on here are not searching for those answers.

My opinion is that bloggers would not come here unless they are actively trying to make their situations better, and some days, simply letting off some steam makes the situation better. It diffuses some frustration so that, in real life, things can go on more smoothly, even if just for that moment. In so doing, it becomes a part of the solution, where "solution" is not just the end result, but the entire process of getting something resolved.

"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can."
— Little Engine That Could

Aren't we here so that we

Aren't we here so that we can do what is socially unacceptable and VENT e.g. call BM that demeaning name we want to, or admit to hating the Skids, or complain about how unfair the system is

------> But do we always want to feel these things? I know for me, I don't always want to hate BM, I don't always want to have problems with the skids, I don't always want to have this struggle within myself. I strive to find ways to change the situation for the positive, but I realize that the change has to first come within myself, because we can't change anyone else. And by changing our perspective, or learning how to handle situations more effectively, it could result in a change for the entire situation.

So while we vent, or call the skids/BM/DH any ugly names, are we venting with no desire to change our situation, even if that means changing our perspective? If that's the case, instead of getting upset that someone disagrees with our view or how we are handling a situation, we should explain in our post that it's just a vent.

______________________________________
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Of course we don't want to

Of course we don't want to always feel those things!

But, again, who can really say that the people venting here have no desire to change the situation. That, is usually precisely the motive for being here. And yes, we can only change ourselves, but we are also influential people, influencing and inspiring change in others.

Sometimes I vent here so that it doesn't spew out at my hardworking DH. And by simply venting here, I have actually changed my situation, so it really isn't "just a vent".

"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can."
— Little Engine That Could

You can see that there isn't

You can see that there isn't any change when the poster comes back time and time again, to vent about the same thing over and over again, with the same negative feelings about it. You can tell when you try your hardest to come up with a solution to their problem that they will "agree" with, instead of refusing it. You can tell when the poster has an endless amount of responses that are trying to show her/him a new perspective, and instead of having an open mind about it, they say they are just venting and they aren't going to change how they feel about it.

These are the posters who are venting without the desire to change. They have their right to do that, but it sure is sad to see that things could be so different if they would atleast try some of the advice given.

______________________________________
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

MM, I can appreciate your

MM, I can appreciate your frustration. You, like so many of the kind souls here, genuinely want to help others improve their situations. You have so much experiences to share that others can learn from. But you cannot force a solution down someone's throat. And you cannot really know for sure that someone is venting without the desire for change. All the really great solutions in the world may not work for that person. But perhaps just your listening ear gives them the comfort they need, in order to have the PATIENCE they need to carry on in their daily lives.

Perhaps you can have an open mind about this and accept that the advice given from the bottom of your heart is a gift, and expect nothing in return. If it helps someone may come back and thank you, or they may come back and talk about how their situation has improved and that will warm your heart even more than any thanks you can get. But if someone doesn't want to take your advice, please don't resort to casting judgment on them, just let them be. Do not frustrate yourself with them and their problems, you can continue to altruistically give your support over and over, or you can leave them be and they will eventually figure out their own solution.

Also, regarding venting the same negative feelings over and over, I think that I am personally guilty of this. But this is because I am not perfect. My situation has improved greatly, and I am constantly working on it. But there is something about being in a stepfamily that allows for raw emotions to rear their heads even when you think you have completely gotten over something. When you thought you've dealt with it and moved forward, some person, event, action, word or even memory can really topple you. And I don't think this ever ends, because the stepfamily issues continue until we have grandkids (as I have learnt from this board) and probably only ends at our funeral, when we don't have to deal with it anymore. And so it may seem like, after all the time, and all the effort, things haven't changed one bit, but someone on the outside-looking-in really cannot know that for sure.

"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can."
— Little Engine That Could

Thank you for this

Thank you for this SM31...what a wonderful perspective, I really appreciate it.

______________________________________
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

before you wish death upon

before you wish death upon bm ---- remember then you have skids 24/7... i only wish all three bm & skids would move far away --- like mars --- pluto even better...

and mm, you're right and i want things to be better, but i just can't seem to make the changes in myself...... i start thinking "why do i have to change?" -- dumb logic, but that's why i'm here to learn from those sms who have found ways to make things better......and to vent....

and mm, you're right and i

and mm, you're right and i want things to be better, but i just can't seem to make the changes in myself...... i start thinking "why do i have to change?"

------> You have no idea how often I've said that myself, still do at times as a matter of fact, LOL. But I sincerely tried it, and by changing the things within myself that needed to be changed, I noticed the things around me changing...maybe it was others following suit, or maybe I gained a whole new perspective on the situation at hand....either way, I was much happier.

I would not have figured this out without Steptalk, my lovely Counselor, an open mind and a bottle of my favorite wine. And for that I'm grateful.

______________________________________
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

lol... Now you see... "i

lol... Now you see... "i only wish all three bm & skids would move far away --- like mars --- pluto even better..." is pretty much the same as wishing them all dead, since we have no knowledge of those planets being able to support human life. Your vent, however, is much more creatively and socially acceptably expressed!

"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can."
— Little Engine That Could

Stepmom31. I'm going to

Stepmom31. I'm going to direct you back to the language in the pink box on the homepage of this site:

This site provides a place for stepparents to talk about their issues, offer support, provide solutions, give helpful advice, ask questions on step parenting and blended families and vent. Register for a free account and start blogging about your stepparent situation. Feel free to comment on anything you see. Enjoy.

Yes, it says this is a place to vent. But it emphasizes all of the positives that the members can enjoy by supporting one another, sharing advice and focusing on SOLUTIONS.

Lately, it seems this site has become mired in hate speech towards BMs and skids instead of emphasizing constructive suggestions towards change for the better. I'll bet if you scanned the posts on this site the number one most frequently offered piece of advice would be: DIVORCE.

Really, that's not a piece of advice I need. I KNOW the option for divorce looms out there if DH and I can't resolve all of our problems. What I don't know is how best to solve the problems we have WITHOUT DIVORCING. My hope is that people on this site who've been stepping a lot longer than I have will help me with those problems without the need for divorce. And THAT is why I come here, to seek help, ask for support, get advise and vent.

I too think that divorce

I too think that divorce should not be the automatic answer. And that we're here to figure out how to solve the problems without resorting to divorce.

But, I'm going to reiterate what I've said already, and that is that venting is a part of the process to reach the solution. Perhaps it's even the most crucial first step, where we allow ourselves to openly acknowledge the feelings we have, and from there we can proceed to deal with them, whether effectively or ineffectively, in our own time, according to our own situation.

And the tagline for this website is: "where stepparents come to vent" which, to me, seems to emphasize "venting" rather than support, advising, solutions etc... Maybe we need a new tagline?

"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can."
— Little Engine That Could

"I'm going to reiterate what

"I'm going to reiterate what I've said already, and that is that venting is a part of the process to reach the solution"

Venting can be a means for a solution but it needs to be approached that way.

I think "constructive" venting is the operative word here. Vent your anger but do it with the intent of receiving support from strangers. People have to keep in mind that this is a message board. Yes it has a common theme (stepfamilies) but that doesn't mean we have some communal instant bond with everyone. Unless you've been on here a long time and established a history for members to follow, creating a blog full of hate isn't going to sit well on both ends. It doesn't in real life nor does it here---as you can see.

I'm not saying to put rules on people as much as acknowledging the approach you give. The support you want depends on it. For the bloggers best interest they need to tone it down and reserve the over-the-top venting for their close friends.

"Vent your anger but do it

"Vent your anger but do it with the intent of receiving support from strangers."

I certainly disagree with this.

And I'd flip it:

Give your support, but without the intention of receiving any thanks from the person venting or the expectation of getting them to change their ways in a timely manner to suit you.

"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can."
— Little Engine That Could

I'd say both sides of that

I'd say both sides of that coin are an excellent approach to this site! If we come here to vent, knowing that strangers will support (which includes disagreeing with you in hopes to get you to see things from another perspective) AND if we relpy knowing that the OP may not accept our POV right away OR at all... then we are here with an open mind, and less chance of starting fires that were not intended to be started.

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~

Very well said! You are

Very well said!

You are such a diplomat!

"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can."
— Little Engine That Could

Years of Corporate

Years of Corporate Management under my belt That, and my "OCD FIX IT" gene rearing its ugly head!

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~

Without the intention of

Without the intention of receiving thanks? SM31, That's not what I was implying at all. In fact, I don't understand where you got that from reading my post.

I was stating what reality is from a members point of view (at least for some if not most). A blogger who is a stranger to us can't expect constructive support coming on here with inflammatory expression or ideas. RL--If you were being introduced to a group you wouldn't start off with "I hate my stepkids"--That's just common sense. Others would look at you funny, not say much, and get away from the seemingly negative individual. Take this approach to a cyber community one has to be more diplomatic because we don't have gestures and facial expression to read off of.

I'll use the scenario when ordering at a restaurant. You, as a customer, can be a jerk to the server. You'll get what you ordered but nothing else. No niceness, pleasantries, checking up on you. You'll get minimal service. Heck someone might spit on something if you're really nasty.

Yes, I have found in order

Yes, I have found in order to make my situation better, there was only one thing I could do. Change myself. I had to accept that BM was going to be in my life. That she would always not like me and was going to be forever selfish. That she would always blame her life on her ex-husband. But those are all her issues.

What could I change? I could understand that those are her issues and that I don't have to deal with them. That my obligation is to try and be a good person and not try to make her life even harder or to egg her on. That I just needed to stay out of the line of fire. So essentially I changed me and my role.

I could change that I could be a good supportive wife to my husband. I am still a work in progress and I have my days!!!

But do I wish her dead... hell no!!! I would have to deal with two very sad little stepkids and the emotional difficulties that would last a lifetime. If you are feeling that strongly, perhaps you and your dh need to move away. If she is making life that difficult. But having feelings that strongly about someone really is only hurting you!!!

((Snowflake)) big ups to you

((Snowflake)) big ups to you for carving out a little personal enlightenment. I think we could all use some of that, myself included.

I can only speak for myself

I can only speak for myself here....while I agree that this is a venting site...I think most of us, since we are human, react to things based on personal experience...having had a biomom who died in childbirth.....it personally makes my skin crawl hearing (or seeing) that someone wishes that on another human being.....raising skids whose BM tried to poison them, when I hear (or see) that a person wishes their skids were no longer around, makes my skin crawl, having seen my sister get her ribs broken by a truly evil SM, it makes my skin crawl the way some people speak of their skids...but THAT'S ME....its ne thing to vent, but I think vert few of us really deep down think wishing someone would commit suicide venting...there's venting and then there is rage, imo.....but again...I think it is truly personal what offends us....its hard to hear and its hard to write......we have NO IDEA what the author's true intentions are behind what they write....they may be venting or they may be raging....I try to believe in the old addage...what u do AND SAY comes back to you tenfold....at the end of the day...we all reap what we sow....I think we all kinda knew what we were getting into being steps...its how we handle it that makes us ladies

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

Wow. I think you make a

Wow. I think you make a really good point here. It's pretty difficult to separate ourselves from our own personal experiences. Being offended is a feeling we own, not necessarily something someone has done to us.

And, the part where you say "I think we all kinda knew what we were getting into being steps..." I'm personally offended.

Because, I honestly had NO clue.

"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can."
— Little Engine That Could

Lotus, You are an

Lotus,

You are an inspiration.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

awwww..ty Rags and right

awwww..ty Rags and right back atcha...yur approach to being a Dad is one of the best I have ever seen....

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

I have frequently wished for

I have frequently wished for a fortuitous meteor strike on a SpermClan family reunion that our Son (my SS) was not able to attend.

Eliminating that entire gene pool from the future of the planet would be a very good thing. IMHO of course.

I will make an exception for my SS's three younger also out-of-wedlock half sibs and BioDad's sister. My SS's Aunt is a fine person and the half sibs are just a victim of unfortunate parentage. The Aunt and the half sibs don't have to be at the celestially doomed family reunion.

Best regards,

awwww come on now

awwww come on now SM31...LOL...u HAD to have SOME clue...didn't u date DH for a while and spend time as a psuedo family before getting married?...that's why I said "kinda"...I don't think any of us knew how hard it would really be....but I think if u weren't gagged, blindfolded and thrown in the back of a van and forced to marry...LOL...and u did it willingly...then u HAD to know on some level what a huge personal sacrifice it would be...I don't think any of us thought it would be a picnic blending a family...and I don't think any of us thought it would really be THIS hard....

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

lol... Lotus... I was

lol... Lotus... I was dumbstruck, blinded and kidnapped by LOVE.

I lived in a different country and dated long-distance. I knew DH and his family when I was a kid, our families are long-time friends. When we met back up again after we had both lived our separate lives, the connection was magical. Silly me spent a total of about 4 weekends of psuedo family time. For those weekends, the kids loved me & the Ex was practically non-existent. Then we got married!

Needless to say, then came the train wreck. But I'm chugging along... tightening up screws, cleaning out engines every now and again... but chugging along. Uphill.

"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can."
— Little Engine That Could

I knew what I was getting

I knew what I was getting into somewhat.I let the fix-it side of me take over which made me think I could improve the situation by sheer willpower and tenacity.It was a challenge and a project for me that I am growing weary of working on.

i HAVE A huge FIX IT side to

i HAVE A huge FIX IT side to me... it causes more stress on my than the original "problem" most of the time. I hate that aspect of my personality. I even find myself trying to "fix" things on this site. I have MAJOR OCD when it comes to things like this. I think I need therapy! (seroiusly)

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~

Oh DIS, me too. I want to

Oh DIS, me too. I want to fix things. I wasn't given the "Likely to Change the World" without that OCD attitude of purgeing bad influences. And that was back in highschool.

I'll go to therapy with you.

Though I saw all of the

Though I saw all of the forecasts, I had noooooooo clue what I was getting in to. I did not recognize that the SpermClan drama was a long term situation.

My then GF had a problem with SpermGrandMa, the problem was addressed so I put that problem folder away and did not recognize that this was going to be a folder that would come out of my man mental file cabinet and grow to be one of those 6inch think montstrocities that every BlendedFamily seems to have.

In hind site ........ I should have known what I was getting in to. At the time I was blinded by LOVE and knew I wanted the woman I married, her son and to have a great live as a family.

We have certainly had a great life but we have also had to deal with the SpermClan. But, the 6inch file though a complete pain in the ass has not prevented us from living an incredible life and having a great family.

And ........ in 4.5 months the 6inch SpermClan file will never have to come out of the cabinet again unless my SS needs it. Our son (my SS) will be 18 and the SpermClan can kiss my ass which I pretty much force them to do anyway.

Best regards,

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