Do I expect too much out of my step son?
My step-son is 17 years old. Three years ago, my husband and I filed for custody of him as we learned that his mother was abusing drugs, in and out of rehab. The courts gave us primary custody, and he has seen and he moved 4 hours North to live with us. For the most part all is well. Let me just start this by saying I never wanted children. Not before I met my husband, not now that we have been together 10 years...
My step-son is 17. He is just finishing his Junior year in high school. His first three years of high school he was a member of band, so he got an extra credit each year, which is leaving him with a smaller schedule Senior year. I have spoke to my step-son numerous times about dual enrolling, and getting some college courses handled in his Senior year, to save him money. My husband also has two other children who are within a few years older, and we did not pay for their college. On top of the fact that we can't afford it (I have my own student loans I am paying), we don't feel like its fair to pay his college when we didn't for his siblings.
We have talked to him numerous times and told him that if he is not in college, he cannot stay living in our home. He has a part time job currently, that we pretty much forced him to get. He wasn't interested in earning money, or adding to his resume. He figures that his father and I will continue to take care of everything. Very lazy. Except when it comes to his girlfriend. He is all about her- seeing her, talking to her, going places with her, etc. And I know this is normal for a teenager. But his laziness is just getting to be too much. Really aggravating me with how much time I am putting into helping him.
So the main problem is this: I has a heartfelt conversation with him last week about my worries for his future, and his future plans. I stresses the issue of dual enrolling and he informed me he already signed up for dual enrollment with his guidance counselor. I asked him all about that, and he specifically stated to me that his guidance counselor enrolled him in courses at the college for next year. I asked if he was sure, and he said he physically already saw his schedule for next year and the classes were on there.... something hasn't been sitting right with me since that conversation. So today, I emailed his guidance counselor just confirming his schedule, locations, etc. She responded back and told me they never spoke of that. #1 She doesn't register him for the courses at the college, he is to do that (or basically, ME). She also said that he has to register, inform her, then get practice text books and assignments from her. So there is no way he was mistaken. If he said he physically saw it on his schedule, and its final, then he was deliberately lying to me.
I feel so many emotions because of this. #1 I spent nearly $10,000 on a lawyer for his father to get custody. I'm not your typical step-mom, I'm only 28 and I make sure he enjoys his life. His father and I spend a lot of money with his band, top brand shoes, clothes, AND I JUST bought him a car. Which is another thing- I bought a car that has been sitting there a month, because everything else in his life is more important than getting better at driving and going to take his driving test! His words!! (I already have that one handled. He was give a 30 day window to get his license or I am selling that car and not buying another)... Everything is just beginning to be too much. I mean, Im not his mom. What makes him think I will handle everything for him in the future. What makes him think I really wont kick him out? His father tries, but doesn't understand where I am coming from. He says he is going to talk to his son and get things straightened out, but really, that doesn't happen. My step son knows what to say to his father to end the conversation in hopes that things change, and then two days later, more laziness and no future planning.
I really do't know what to do... I feel like this is starting to affect mine and my husbands relationship. I feel like if they are a package deal, then I may end up divorced. I try not to be mad at my husband, but what else is there to do?
I may have said too much in this post, or not enough. My mind is everywhere today!!!!! 
:?
We have talked, and we do
We have talked, and we do agree that if he is not in college full time, he is not living here. But just starting his Senior year, I am trying to get him to understand that he has to prepare for that. He has to take advantage of the free courses now. I thought he understood. But instead, he purposely lied to me.
My husband swears up and down that he won't allow my step-son to live with us, if not in college. But no one is worried about the how. HOW will he meet the XYZ criteria? HOW will working and college be handled? HOW and WHEN will he ever grow up to act like an adult?
I know that the time may come to make the decision if my marriage will continue. My husband says it wont get there, he "will fix it," but I just can't see my step-son EVER growing up to be an adult. Sad, I know. I am so deeply in love with my husband, and I hate that something like this may make me walk away...
Yes, my husband knows. My
Yes, my husband knows. My husband and SS both say they understand. I like the idea of a visual. Might just do that! Thanks!!
I don't mean his schedule for
I don't mean his schedule for fun. I mean picking him up from school, bringing him to work, and worst of all picking him up from work at 11:15 at night. Thank God my husband owns his own business. and I am an accountant who has been with my employer for years.
Even though that's the reason I bought that car. He is old enough to manage his own transportation and time. He's luck I bought the car!
This is another area of
This is another area of frustration for me. He didn't want a job at first. I told him that in order to get a car, he needed to pay insurance and gas. Being in band, his schedule is pretty tight, and so needing a job that would work with that schedule was important. Again though, all wasted if he doesn't figure out what he needs to do in less than 30 days and gets his license.
Our situation is a bit different with school and location. We live in a county that has open enrollment- he can go to the school of choice. We bought a home one month before we knew he was moving here full time, and that just so happens to be on the other side of town from the only school I would have him go to.
Living in central Florida, I know all about the heat. I just couldn't make him walk that far. Probably 11-12 miles from school to home.
Uber/Bus are going to be his options within the month if he does not get a license. He can't expect to make no adult decisions, but still get the things he wants.
It's weird, because he meets
It's weird, because he meets all expectations to get the car. He is in honors and AP classes, all A's and B's. He's saving. Had permit over a year. He just has no desire to actually drive on his own. Or at least that is what his actions are telling me.
His dad set a few things straight yesterday. He has a big college level exam tomorrow, so I know he will be studying like we told him to tonight. He has been told not to ask us to go anywhere or have anyone come over, until we tell him. His Dad took his phone this morning before school, and not sure when he will get that back.
I hate that we have to do all of this because of his laziness. I can't get him to understand what it's like to be responsible and be held accountable for his own actions. Maybe this will work with no phone or social life for a while....
Correct, for the first 7
Correct, for the first 7 years I was with his father, we saw him every holiday, school break, summer, etc. Always involved. His mother and her family hid his mothers drug problems from us. When his mother was at her worst in 2014, his grandmother drove him up to us and spilled everything out. This had been going on for years and we never knew.
I don't know why he did this. I do know that this is one of the only times we have ever known he has lied. He's a sweet kid, normally. I believe he and I have a stronger relationship than he EVER had with his mom. When he does talk about his feelings or anything deeper than the surface, it's with me. No one else. Not even his Dad. I believe he truly understands that I'm helping him more than anyone ever has. Study session last night for instance- his father, him and I were up to 10pm studying. He knows we care, and want the best, but is too lazy!
He says he for sure wants college. His entire family on his mothers side is in the medical field, so he has wanted and planned since he was little to join the medical field.
I discuss it with my husband, and my husband just keeps apologizing and saying he will fix it. He tries to talk to his son, but honestly I believe his son knows what to say to make things okay again, and acts right for a few days, then back to the same old things. My husband is on his way to pick my step son up from school now. He says he's going to set him straight and find out why. Guess we will see...
Once SS turns 18 and
Once SS turns 18 and graduates high school, I would honestly be tempted to say, "oh, so adults don't contribute to the home if they aren't going to college?". Then I would stop paying for anything for the home and let DH support me too until SS is in college or gets a full time job and contributes $$ for room and board.
That is plan at this point.
That is plan at this point. He is out if not in college. Bottom Line. But I don't want it to really get to that point... Why can't all children just listen to what parents say?
I feel your pain. My YSS
I feel your pain. My YSS finished up school doing online courses so she could work and actually graduate early. She worked out with her HS and she was the one that had to do all the meetings with her counselor to ensure it would be ok etc. In the end, we had to step in and get a few things straight.. but seriously, she DID try to get it done on her own.
She also had the opportunity to take a few college courses for super dirt cheap while she was still in HS for that last semester. If we had known about the program earlier, we would have had her do it in addition to the online courses! But, at least she got in a couple classes.
I unfortunately was the one that had to ride herd on her to finish the HS online stuff. Her dad was out of state the whole time and her grandparents (where she was living) weren't able to do it. So, every dang day I was on her case over the phone, text etc... I'm not sure she was exactly lying, but it took her way longer to do her classes than it should and she even said that slacking off was "her rebellion" and at least she didn't do drugs, drink etc.. (which was true..lol).
I think that at this point, DAD needs to have a sit down with son (after you give him a prep of the issues).
Son, I have discovered that you lied about being signed up for the dual enrollment courses. I am not going to force you to take them, but I think you are making a big mistake because taking them now will save you thousands over the cost of taking them after you graduate. Oh.. and speaking of cost, you realize that we are not going to be paying for your college right? So, this is money you would be saving yourself. Oh.. and you know if you are not a full time student, you will need to find yourself a place to live right? By the way, speaking of being self sufficient, we are no longer providing you rides to work, school etc.. Take the bus, bum a ride..or how about THIS idea... go get your license. SM has that car, but it will be sold soon if you don't get this taken care of.
If your DH can't have this conversation with his kid.. then there is not much you CAN do. You can't care more than his dad does.
Only one thing, I wouldn't hold it against him re the lawyer fees .. you did that for his dad. I am guessing though you just used it as an example of how you have supported him being there.
Oh no, he has no idea that
Oh no, he has no idea that the lawyer even cost us money. I would never say that to him. Exactly an example of me supporting him being here.
His father says he will have the talk with him... I have a hard time with that. If and when I am not there for a talk, I feel like my husband is not stern enough, or making his point well enough. Although, I like the wording that you used and will definitely share with my husband.
It is tough though right.
It is tough though right. When we feel like we have the knowledge that doing things will make their lives easier in the long run but they flat out refuse to do their part. I can definitely commiserate.
In the end, it's the kid's life, not yours. Like my mom told me when I was younger that she wouldn't punish me because my choices would be punishment enough. She already had a masters degree, she already had a "life".. it was up to me to make choices that wouldn't jeopardize my chances.
I just can't sit back and
I just can't sit back and watch him make the bad choices... He will have to move after high school if he makes those choices, but that's a year away. A looooong year of seeing things not develop like they should...
Curious. Why did you buy him
Curious. Why did you buy him a car if he had no license yet? Usually getting a license, getting a car, are things you use to incentivize kids vis a vis grades or something. Like if you get solid As in Driver's Ed and Double Safety class and can change a tire, I will get you this car.
My husband and I have brand
My husband and I have brand new, bigger vehicles and I didn't want him to crash or be too uncomfortable driving those. He would have taken his drivers test in a compact car, and had a compact car, so I figured why wait? I'll let him get used to driving this before his test.
He has perfect grades. He is in honors and AP classes, all A's and B's. Nothing but his lack of motivation or responsibility are holding things back.
That generation is truly
That generation is truly lazy! Don't get me wrong, he has great grades, honors and AP classes, he does well at his job, and leads band. He's certainly no loser as of now. But all of that will end soon, and if he doesn't pick up the motivation or responsibility, he may just turn into one.
Sounds like the kid has
Sounds like the kid has really stepped up to the plate in many ways in his life despite the difficult situation he went through with a drug addicted Mom, starting over in a new place, dealing with the stepfamily dynamic... Instead of pressure try encouragement. Dad (and you) should tell him often and again how proud you are of him for all of this and his great grades, staying out of trouble, band, etc.., Let him know you fully believe he will continue to shine and ask him what he wants for his future and be there to guide as needed. It feels like it is all your agenda your way right now and if you back off and support him he has the potential to continue to do well in something that interests him.
Trust me, if has been non
Trust me, if has been non stop encouragement for years. Everyday I see grades on a new test, or new accomplishment in band, be is reminded how great his is. I have sat and asked what he wants. The problem is he wants great things but he doesn't want to work for them.
Again, no disrespect. But we
Again, no disrespect. But we do encorage
We don't just say nice job. We go far into explaining everything to him. What we feel, why we feel, giving specific examples which brought the feelings. The whole nine yards. I make it a point to go the extra mile with him. He just seriously doesn't understand responsibility. The joy of laying around is better than the unknown joy of becoming something.
I agree with much of Sue's
I agree with much of Sue's advice. Especially about this not being YOUR problem to fix. It's between him and his dad (and his dad's wallet - not yours).
As to "subsequent accommodations" if he chooses not to go to college, how about this. His dad gives him two options:
One - Upon graduation from HS he goes to college full-time and has a part-time job to pay his portion of expenses in the household and for his vehicle. If at any time he does not fulfill terms of the agreement, he will be asked to leave the home.
Two - He enlists in a branch of the military. His salary, clothing, education, housing, and medical care will all be provided for, for at least four years. When he completes his service he will have additional education and veteran benefits. If he is a decent, classically trained musician who can read music, he can check with recruiters about becoming a member of a military band - there are lots of them.
Good luck. And don't continue to let this be YOUR problem. Not your kid, not your issues to solve.
Okay, I totally agree. He is
Okay, I totally agree. He is a junior or senior, of course he is only working a part time job. Please just let this kid be. If he is not comfortable driving yet then don't force it, why did you get him a car when he was not even a licensed driver yet? While perhaps well meaning that may reflect some of your own lack of parent aged perspective. Let his Dad discuss with his son about his future. As a sm, and one only 11 years his senior at that, he may just be saying anything to get out of the awkward situation of you trying to micromanage his life and I imagine he resents it greatly. Let him make his own choices about if he wants to take college in high school or not. I felt so much stress and pressure reading your post - for him and for you. You should back way off, the outcome may be much better and leave you a lot happier.
Ten years in, we are well
Ten years in, we are well passed the 11 year age difference. He normally respects what I have to say. He is seriously just lazy. He wants all the good in life, but doesn't want to work for it. That there is part my fault. I showed him a comfortable life, and took to long to make him understand it had to be worked for. I was trying to fix him from his childhood pain with his mom, more tham I was trying to teach. It was tough.But at 17, he has to start coming around to being an adult
I am pushing dual enrollment
I am pushing dual enrollment because I really don't want to feel bad later on. I am set on the fact that if he is not in college, he is not staying at my house. The how will I feel when the only home he had is no longer an option. He grew up with his mother not being a good example. She had 5 kids, amd at 35 still lived with her mom. No car. No license. Nothing. He was raised to think that was acceptable. He was raised being allowed to be lazy.
But it's not just dual enrollment. It's preparing for adult world. It's being held accountable for himself. I moved out at 15, got diploma early then masters degree, and a stable career. My step-son is intellegent beyond words. He's also the laziest kid I have ever met. If I don't push him, I will feel like I didn't try my best. Who else will? His drug addicted mother? His father who is trying but not being listened to either, until cell phone and social events are taken away?
And saving any amount of money is important. He isn't going to be eligible for that much in loans. His father and I have a high Adjusted Gross Income. He is almost an adult, and if he hates me now, that's fine. I'm trying my best to make his life after college as easy as possible. I don't nag. I have spoke to him in the most repectable, adult way. He took it upon himself to purposely lie to me. He tells me kne thing, and does another lately.
Certainly it is your family
Certainly it is your family to do with as you all wish and I do wish you well.
I'm just giving you just a perspective how it comes across imho. You've got this kid who has overcome some pretty traumatic things to be a super student, highly involved in band, has a girlfriend, works part time as a junior, and who you admit is a pretty great all around kid that doesn't cause any trouble.
You then go on to say repeatedly he's lazy (doesn't work/band/stellar grade require some degree of effort?)
He can't live with you a day beyond graduation if he isn't in school full time.
He will be given no help financing this full time college and is unlikely able to get loans due to household AGI
He must start driving on your timeline comfortable or not or a car that was a gift will be taken back.
You/dh feel college is vitally important such that he should be starting it in high school (but not important enough to contribute anything towards the actual tuition of college despite high incomes and admitting he won't have many options for loans)
Maybe at this point he IS starting to despair on the idea of going to college as he is unlikely to be able to pay for it, has been assured he will have no help paying for it, so he may be at a place in his head where he thinks why bother taking high school college courses as he won't have means to finish a college program.
Expectations for kids are great, just be careful that the combination of messages you are giving him is not squashing the very thing you want for him.
It's so hard to write
It's so hard to write everything all at once, and I leave so many questions. Work, even band was nearly forced. He doesn't like change. Didn't want to do either. Now loves them both. But am I suppose to accept that he puts energy into fun things, and not push him for energy into his future? And what are we suppose to do with college funds? Not tell him how it will be paid for until he applies? Our AGI is high. That doesn't mean we have the money. And what about what we tell his brother and sister? I really don't mean to sound disrespectful at all. I just don't know any other option.
I think you need to accept
I think you need to accept that with a history of clinical depression and trauma that he may just be giving up on the concept of going to full time college with no clear way how to make that happen or he may be stuck in a deer in the headlights place over the stress of it so he just avoids it all. It sounds like you were a real pick yourself up from your bootstraps kind of gal but he just may not have the emotional ability to do this and the pressure seems to be making him just go into hiding (and lying). The more you write I think he may just be throwing in the towel (which is sad as he clearly does have such potential). Do you have any indication he may just be planning on going back to Mom or living with his girlfriend after he graduates? I have an inkling the carrot of living with you two beyond high school may not be an effective threat because he may have no intention of staying with you.
I guess the thing that is confusing to me is if he is taking AP classess, excelling at those, working (whether he had to be nudged into it or not), leading the band, has a girlfriend etc.., when does he have time for being so lazy and irresponsible and unmotivated. It sounds like all those things require a good measure of those qualities for him to maintain those positives.
Good luck, I don't think there are any 'bad' people in your situation but that you are maybe all 3 in different places.
He doesn't study unless we
He doesn't study unless we remind him. He doesn't shower unless we remind him. He doesn't wash a dish, even when he is the only one eating. He doesn't brush his teeth unless we remind him. He doesn't do anything but play playstation, text, or sleep. He has no motivation for any of it. Shouldn't he be doing many of these things on his own? He has great grades because I accept nothing less, knowing how intelligent he is. But If we didn't stay on top of him, he wouldn't do his homework, or study.
He doesn't act like a deer in the headlights. When we talk about college he speaks with surety that he is going. We have spoke about what his Mom became, and he wants better. He guarantees better. He just doesn't understand that he has to work for that. He says all the time that he wants to live with us as long as he can. He doesn't want to pay bills, or buy his own food, or cook his own meals, clean his own house, mow his own lawn, etc.
In the past 2 days I have completely taken myself out of it. His father spoke to him, and seems to be handling it getting done, him getting these classes on his schedule, and staying focused on the future. It took taking his phone and telling him that he is not going anywhere for a while, until he keeps on track.
We don't know what else to do. Sitting back and watching his laziness take control, and him becoming nothing is not an option. My husband and I are too driven for us to allow that to happen with his son. While we can't and won't say get out day 1 after high school, how do we make it known that he won't live here forever, doing nothing with his life?
Is he continuing to get
Is he continuing to get mental health help? Clinical depression and trauma are often lifelong things that rear their heads throughout ones life. If he spent years with an addicted Mom he likely is behind in his development of the (good) self initiative qualities you would like him to have. It sounds like he has the outward picture of being a 17 year old but developmentally his emotional maturity due to trauma and depression may be more in the 11-13 year range and it may take a lot of continued intervention to help him catch up to where he needs to be. You may get further addressing it from that standpoint then a character issue.
One thing I may not have clear, you want him in school full time but have also told him you won't help pay for it. What are his options? If he needs to work and pay for it all on his own maybe part time is all he will be able to finance, is that an option? (I may have missed this, sorry)
This is pretty similar to the
This is pretty similar to the situation we had with my SS-25 his Sr. year of HS. He actually graduated 3mos before his 18th B-day so we gave him that summer until his B-day on our dime then ... he either had to be in college (on our dime) or working full time.. neither of which he would do. His Sr year and the year following drove his mom and I nucking futz.
His Sr. year was a struggle. Like your SS he had so many extra course credits that his Sr. yr he only had to take and pass Sr Eng 1 (Fall semester) and Sr. Eng 2 (Spring semester) to graduate. We insisted on his dual enrollment in JC classes and taking a full load. He lied to us much like your SS is lying to you regarding his college applications and how he was doing.
Unfortunately he failed Sr. Eng 1 which meant he could not graduate from the top tier boarding school (Military) he was at until Winter break of the following year so we yanked him out of school at Christmas time and stuck him in our local high school where he knew no one. Not that it was a bad school. At that time our house was less than 400yds from the best HS in the state. We kept our collective foot up his butt with the message that he either graduate on time or instead of going to graduation we would be dropping him off at the homeless camp under the interstate in Philly. I even took him there and dropped him off to meet his new neighbors for a few hours to give him clarity on his choice. Either buckle down and graduate or be homeless on what should be his graduation day. His choice. That scared the crap out the that kid so badly that he was nothing but asshole and elbows getting his school work done that last semester of his Sr. year.
After graduation he struggled with launching so we turned him into our live in chore bitch until he enlisted in the USAF. He has done great. He finished his first 6yr commitment a few weeks ago and started his second commitment of 4 years. He is currently a SSgt and will test for E-6 pretty soon. He is finishing up his last couple of classes for his AS degree in computer science and will be half way to his BSCS at that point. He is not knocking out his degree as quickly as his mom and I would like but.... he is doing it on his time and his dime while doing very well in his USAF career.
I recently read an article about a young woman who actually graduated with her BS two weeks before her high school graduation. She had dual enrolled in a local university/HS dual enrollment program starting her Freshman year of HS. She will be returning to her HS next year as a teacher. The HS hired her for the following year before she had even graduated.
Kids like that are inspiring.. kids like your SS... and mine... drive me crazy. Grrrr!
Sell the car, apply the collective SM/BioDad foot to his butt.. and NO you are not expecting too much of your nearly 18yo SS.
Good luck.
I'm really starting to think
I'm really starting to think about the idea of the military. Many years ago when he was a young kid, he wanted to join because of guns. Now though, that may be a good option to get him through school and the start of his career. I hope he doesn't give much trouble in his senior year. I won't be able to deal!! Hats off to you!