Disengaging from BM?
I feel like I want to take my 10 week old son and run away from the rest of my life. I keep thinking I am the wrong personality to be involved in this situation and shouldn't be a step mom. But how do I walk away now? I don't want to share my son with his Dad and only get to see him every second week. I feel like I was not prepared for how excruciatingly hard this would be. I was already 5 months pregnant by the time my SO started being able to see his daughter again. She will be 4 in a few weeks. So while I knew he had a daughter, I didn't really know how this situation would be. I didn't know I would have all these terrible feelings.
Everything is a fight with my SO's ex. She is a bully and tries to manipulate everyone into doing what she wants. There is no compromise. I am not good with high conflict people. And it is very hard to say because no one wants to admit they feel this, but I am such a jealous person and have a long list of insecurities. So while I do feel very jealous and insecure around her, I know that this part of it isn't actually about her, it's about me. My SO tells me all the time why I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I am considering counselling because I know these are not productive feelings to have. But it won't change overnight and I don't know how to cope right now. I hate that he has to talk to her, to be around her, I hate it when she calls, texts him, etc. I feel like I have to share him with her, because I do. She gets his time, his money, etc. And to make it even harder, she doesn't understand boundaries. She thinks she has a right to know about our lives and gets a say in the things that we do. She insists on coming to the MIL's house for pick ups and drop off instead of my SO picking up at her house. She keeps trying to arrange so her sister can see my son. And not asking, but demanding. I flat out refuse. While we had SD at our house for two weeks, she informed us she was going to come for a visit. No asking. But then decided the 4 hour round trip was too long. She is not allowed in my house! After I had my son she showed up at my MIL's house and grabbed my son from my MIL. I was too shocked to do or say anything. Later she made comments about how if her kids had been as small as him, she wouldn't be fat either. And oh great another snotty nosed boy that is gonna run around causing havoc. That he would grow as fast because I was breatfeeding him. Told her other son who isn't my SO kid that my son was also his brother. Excuse me? No he isn't. And when talking about me to her daughter referred to me as daddy's friend or whatever.
I enjoy my SD. I like spending time with her. I think it is also important for her and my son to know each other. She is funny, smart and a lot like her dad, luckly. But I do find because of her mom I am probably not as close to her as I could be. My SO tries to keep his ex in her place, but she always pushes back and sometimes it feels impossible. As stupid as it sounds I feel angry at him sometimes, because if he had made better life decisions before me, we wouldn't be here right now. I get to pay for his mistakes.
For right now, I am trying to disengage from his ex and anything to do with her unless it is something I need to know. Like about money or changes in visitation. Has anyone else done this? Did it work very well? I still want to see my SD, but not her mother. My MIL thinks I should be there to back up my SO. But what about me? I don't feel like this is gonna be easy. Even though I know I shouldn't let her, she always says something or does something that upsets me. I don't want to be anywhere around when she drops off/picks up. I am not going to any events that involves her. This is also including the upcoming birthday. We were trying to have a separate birthday for SD, but her mother has stopped that. And we won't get her again till quite a bit after her birthday because of summer. She told my ex that SD only has one family so she only gets one party. I am not apart of that women's family. And I'm not going to the party and neither is my son. She wants to have a joint one, so SO can pay for half of it, and so she isn't out done. It's looking like SO is going alone. I don't think he should go either, but I don't know if the fight that will follow with her is worth it. She makes me feel like I am not in charge of my own life.
What can all be set out in a
What can all be set out in a court order? We are in Canada too, so I don't know how things differ. I'm gonna look up Borderline Personality Disorder. There has to be something wrong with her. She will pick a huge fight with SO and when it comes time to exchanging SD she is all happy and smiles.
Have a party anyway. Call
Have a party anyway. Call police if she comes on your property. Never accompany your husband anywhere where she may be present - let MIL go if she thinks he needs support. He's a big boy now. He should tell MIL that if ex comes on MIL's property while your child is present that she should not be allowed in the home or the police called as necessary.
In lieu of a expensive (lawyer wise) court order your husband can have an attorney write her a letter outlining what she is doing wrong and warn her than if she repeats any of them the courts will be asked to issue a restraining order and/or the police called depending on the situation.
Since the day she grabbed
Since the day she grabbed him, it has been made very clear that she is not to even set eyes on him and everyone has helped me make sure that now happens.
How long was he not able to
How long was he not able to see his daughter? And why was he not able to?
You brought up a few problems that are easily fixed and will allow you to disengage from BM.
"I hate that he has to talk to her"
"I hate it when she calls, texts him, etc."
-- He doesn't. Email.
"to be around her"
-- He doesn't. No attending joint parties. Period. Someone else can do pick up/drop offs for him. Friends? Relatives? A visitation transportation service? Can she pick up from MIL's house after he drops kid off? Also, why do you want your SO going to her house? Is that REALLY what you want?
What tog said above was right on...the only way to make child sharing work with someone like this is a court order. Don't negotiate with emotional terrorists.
If she doesn't understand boundaries, teach her.
Set this boundary and enforce it: email only communication for crazies.
Also, to disengage with her, stop caring about what she thinks. I know that's tough...but what she "thinks" doesn't matter. It's crazy talk! Clown town. Her thoughts are of no consequence to you. Neither are her feelings. She has proven that she is poisonous! What she says doesn't really matter either, although sometimes it makes you want to break her nose.
All that matters is how to stop her from "doing" - and what she's doing is intruding on your family and your relationship with your man.
She needs to go. Push her out. Purify your space by showing your man how to remove her. She's dangerous to your well-being. Focus on getting her out instead of dealing with her... and if your man can't get her out, then you have reason to get rid of him. People (mostly women-people) who use children to manipulate/bully their exes need to be treated differently than you would treat a friend or business associate. Strong boundaries must be set and enforced or that toxic person will suck you dry until death do you part.
Now go find your man and brainstorm ways to get rid of that bitch, figuratively speaking of course.
He hadn't been able to see
He hadn't been able to see her for about 2 years. She called the cops, when he wasn't even there and told a bunch of lies of how she was afraid he was going to steal their daughter and she felt like he was a threat to herself and the kids. There was a peace bond ordered and they couldn't have contact with each other to "keep the peace". I think if he had gotten a lawyer and fought it things would have been different.
I really do feel like she is an emotional terrorist. I picture her plotting drumming her fingers like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons.
I like the "clown town"
We are sitting down to have discussion tonight. I felt like I had to make it formal so I can be prepared to lay down what I need to happen. Why is it so hard to ask for what I need?
Exactly this ^^ Don't let her
Exactly this
Don't let her into your family. She has hers, you have yours. SD has 2. SD is the ONLY one with 2. She's 4, she's resilient and will do fine.
BM will certainly push it to the limit. Stop caring. what she thinks and says and opines is not important. you don't even need to know about it. it's irrelevant.
You may have to remind SO several times. be patient with him, b ut firm. Make it clear that under no circumstance is she to be near your son or visiting with mil. MIL is now part of YOUR family. NOT BMs.
I try to remember that I am
I try to remember that I am not the only one who is feeling lost in this situation. It is all new to SO too, so I may need to remind him.
They weren't even married!!!
They weren't even married!!! They barely had a functioning relationship. At some point before I came along and SO wasn't around BM decided to claim the family as her own. I take great pleasure in knowing how jealous she is over my relationship with the family.
It does need to be extreme boundaries. I have up until this point felt very concerned over what the in laws would think of me for setting this extreme of boundaries, but I'm realizing I have to let that go. Yes it would be much easier if we could all get along. But it would take two people to be nice and she burned the bridge I offered in the beginning.
Above all...DO NOT EVER LET
Above all...DO NOT EVER LET HER GET WITH IN FIVE FEET OF YOUR BIO KIDS EVER.
I swear to god...I swear to God, Allah, Buddah, Krishna and Kali-MA, If our BM ever TOUCHED my child in ANYWAY, I would calmly remove my child from the situation and then commence to light that bitch up like a goddamned xmas tree. But good lord HOLD MY CHILD?!!! LITERALLY only over my DEAD body.
(ETA: my step sons are 12 and 15, and I wont even hug them in front of BM, unless they initiate it first)
Ahem.
Besides that...
Disengage as the other posters have said. Get a CO...this is MANDATORY. You stipulate how she will or will not interact with anyone INSIDE YOUR HOME, that includes phone calls and emails. Get those stipulations put in the CO.
I was a brand new ( baby was
I was a brand new ( baby was 3 days old) sleep deprived mom when she grabbed him. Totally caught off guard. After she left it hit me what had just really happened. It will never happen again.
My dh's ex in the beginning
My dh's ex in the beginning tried to control all things. And boundaries got broken big time. He had to finally communicate via text and email only. He simply did not answer the phone or any text not related to their child.
And you need a court order for times and dates.
and....seriously....have your own party. Tell him to man up. That's a joke he is following the bm on that.
Never let her near your kids. Stay away from her completely. One nasty word towards your son in both your presence is the last. Do not subject your son to her bullshit.
Most communication is in
Most communication is in written form now so we have proof of what she says. And SO is learning to ignore some of them, as she is usually mad about something and you can't argue with crazy.
We are going to have a party when we get her again and SO is not going to the one she is having. He is still ticked about the whole SD only has one family. She has two and SO family is not included in BM's one family like she likes to think they are.
Yes! I did semi-successfully
Yes! I did semi-successfully do this.
I told dh not to tell me anything about bm unless he NEEDED my help or opinion or if it affected me in some way.
Also, I only spend time with her when absolutely necessary- school functions, etc. And then only as little chit chatting as possible.
The biggest thing was blocking her from facebook, not reading their texts/emails, walking out of the room when dh or sd are talking to her.
It made a huge difference for me. Now, she doesn't completely disappear- there have still been issues. But it greatly decreased my stress levels.
Conversation went very well.
Conversation went very well. I'm not going to completely disengage. I won't be going to anything she is at, or be around for pick up/drop off if possible. Communication to BM will be through written form like text, email. And we will be doing this together in hopes that we will feel more like a united front and to get the boundaries set with her. Wordings of responses or either to respond at all will be important. I always get blamed when he stands up for himself anyways so I'm going to give my two cents then. SO says he thinks some of it is extreme but he is willing to try anything at this point so we don't have to fight. I told him we will see how it goes as this largely depends on him and his follow through. The message has been sent that none of us will be attending the Bday party. So far no response. I'm hoping her head exploded. lol
Good job!
Good job!
I do feel pretty good Most
I do feel pretty good
Most conversations end in a fight and both of is mad. But SO is seeing that we won't make it as things are. And does he want to share two kids with two BM's? Especially when its SD BM cause the problems? I'm trying to not get too excited yet. We will see how this Bday thing goes.