DHs attempts at change make it hard to stick to my decision but I NEED to.
We decided to split this weekend. Now talking more, husband wants to try more. Go to family counseling. He nearly cried saying "help me be a better husband". The problem is I have done EVERYTHING since coming back 6 months ago and nothing changed or improved. The only change was that I kept my mouth shut which has just caused me more stress and pain. I spend almost every moment of every day feeling rage and anger, playing conversations I SHOULD have had. I think I have spoken up twice in 6 months. Also, so let's say counseling changes things, SS starts behaving and DH starts disciplining...I still HATE SS. I don't want to be around him. I wouldn't like him as a person ever. I actually feel like SS bait and switched me prior, or he just changed a lot, which I guess happens when you go from 12 to 16. At best counseling would help us cohabitate together better but it won't change me not liking him, not wanting to be around him, counting the days until he launches the heck out of here (which I don't doubt will take a while). It is difficult to stay strong in my decision to leave though when husband is saying these things, begging me to stay, saying he loves me, trying to change. He promised me he would change when I agreed to come back 6 months ago and it didn't, which I explained to him. I don't think I should have to leave, or threaten to leave, to have him put in the effort needed.
Also, and this is a more selfish part of me, I moved to the middle of no where for him and I want to go back to my old life. I want to be back in So Cal, I want my Porsche because I don't have to worry about paying DHs debts, or taking care of SS. I want a nice place thats new (doesn't exist here, there is a disturbing love of oak everything, so ugly). I want to live somewhere where I can go to Nordstrom and lunch on the weekend, not Walmart and Chili's. I know this is kind of snobby and selfish but I worked MY ASS off to have a nice life, be able to save, shop, enjoy the nicer things. I know there is some sacrifice when you marry but I gave up my location, my car, my friends, my family, hobbies, even being able to do anything because there is NOTHING to do here but hunt and fish and drink. Oh, there are two museums that one can only go to so many times as they don't change up that often. I want a decent meal!!! I want good Mexican food!!! I know this part is very selfish but I miss having a nice life, heck, an anything life. I have lived in many different places and never experienced anything like this hell hole. Hell, teeth don't even seem to be a priority here, and I am not exagerating.
I also keep going back to. Ok so what if I stayed a little longer. So another 6 months of me being miserable, having panic attacks, being hospitalized over it because I also have an increased HR so I was 100% sure I was having a heart attack (my BP was CRAZY HIGH, I was shaking like a leaf, fell over). I don't want to wait 6 months to see if it works. I don't want to wait 1 day! If it could change in 1 day, I would give it a few weeks chance but it can't, it won't and I doubt it will anyway. I just am feeling so much guilt about leaving when he is begging me not to when I want to for so many reasons.....but NONE of them are not liking and having love for my husband. It would be so much easier to leave if I was angry. I am angry but not like I stopped loving you angry. I maybe am more dissapointed than angry.
I just am having a difficult time staying strong and firm in my decision. I just wish the kid could dissappear but obviously that isn't an option. It so is not fair that I have to once again turn over my entire life due to someone elses actions. I am exhausted already and I am terrified of now moving again, starting over AGAIN. I am terrified of how I will get through the plane ride home with the level of anxiety I have lately from all of this. I feel like I won't even be able to get on the plane and/or have a massive panic attack on the plane. Every detail of this is stressing me out beyond what I can physically or mentally handle and I just wish he could say to me "I love you and don't want this but I will help you, I will fly you back home and help you pack". I mean, I get no one would WANT to say that but I feel he owes it to me frankly but I know he wont. I think I deserve the help because of all I have done and sacrificed for him and at the end of the day it is HIS fault for not handling his child.
"Every detail of this is
"Every detail of this is stressing me out beyond what I can physically or mentally handle"
You are not being selfish. You have to place your happiness as a priority. You gave it a chance and its not working, 6 months later and its no better. He has made promises and did not keep them. Your soul is screaming for change and your health is a sign that you need to remove yourself from this situation because its physically making you sick. There is nothing selfish in what you have given.
Get out of that town and live the life you long for and deserve. Create a plan on leaving and try to get your anxiety down so you can start your new life. You'll thank yourself later for loving yourself enough to make this change. You deserve it!
I don't think anything you
I don't think anything you are saying is selfish. There are places where I could not live even with all the Prozac in the world. Yes, you give things up for marriage (I moved to the suburbs when I married DH, always been a city person), but you shouldn't have to live someplace in which you are so unhappy, nor should you feel that your needs are overlooked because of DH's and SS's.
I vote for you moving back to where you want to be, and continuing to be married to DH long distance. Let him know that when SS launches, you would be happy to have him move where you are (your turn!) and live together again. When that 2 ... 3 ...10 years is up (however long it takes SS to launch), you will know if it's the right thing to do or not.
I’m really sorry you’re going
I’m really sorry you’re going through all this. It’s not selfish to want your old life back. You didn’t really give up everything for your DH, you gave it up because he has a kid & that’s where the kid lives, and that’s a whole other ball of wax...
Can you have a friend or family member fly out to help you pack & be with you on the plane?
The reality is, if your DH had any intention of changing he would have done it before now. He watched you struggle & put his head in the sand because that’s what was easier for HIM, and now you’re both dealing with the consequences of that behaviour.
I think time apart could be really good for both of you. You’re miserable where you are, you don’t like your SS, and your DH only started caring when you decided you’d had enough. You owe it to yourself to get away from there & clear your head, give yourself time to decide if leaving for good is really what you want/what’s best for you.
If your DH genuinely wants to change, let him prove it. Let him show you through action that he means business. He created this situation, and tbh he took advantage of everything you sacrificed by failing to be a good husband. It’s not your job to fix it or show him how to be better to you, that’s on him. If he genuinely wants things to change, then HE can be the one who commits to changing. As much as you love him, you need to love yourself more.
I MISS GOOD MEXICAN FOOD TOO!
I MISS GOOD MEXICAN FOOD TOO!
Also we don't even have the museums here... If I want civilization I'm looking at an hour for DECENT (not good still) shopping and two plus hours for anything else... I miss civilization So. Bad. I'm fighting that battle...
You left. You have two options here. Stick to your guns, or go back.
IF you even THINK about going back. Please make him follow through with changes, marriage counseling, talk about the possibility of moving with him again. You deserve good mexican!!! But don't just go crawling back where things aren't changing. Make sure he actually PROVES it FIRST.
You tried it in his world,
You tried it in his world, and it hasn't worked.
Go home...HOME, doesn't that sound nice? If this man really wants to be with you, he'll sort his carp out and find his way to California.
Sometimes love is not enough.
Sometimes love is not enough. Period.
You shouldn't have to help your husband change who he is so that the relationship can continue. He is who he is, just like you are who you are. And that is ok, people and their needs and wants are different. If he moves to So Cal, he might in turn be miserable.
Sometimes love is not enough. This appears to be true for you right now. I'm sorry, I know it hurts but it will get better, probably faster than you realize once you are back in "real life".
DH will be happier with your
DH will be happier with your assistance and your money. You will be happier back in your old life without SS anywhere near you and without the drag on your joy that living in a place you don't want to be causes. I agree with those who've said love isn't enough. Your DH is going to promise to change because he doesn't want to lose you. But if he cared about you and really wanted to change, he would have done so already. Life is short; don't waste any more of yours being unhappy.
Thing will never change with DH
As long as he has to take care of SS, it’s only going to get worsted. Yes, SS will not magically disappear! SS is not your kid and not your problem. You gave it a good try. Unless you have some Solutions to your problem, where you can work on them in family counseling, or you think the counselor could have a workable souplution ? Or if DH is even going to agree to anything. Why waste your time.
Your DH is crying because of lost income, the lost of money to do thing he want to do, Some one to somewhat take care of SS. And he will be back to be with SS 24/7
I’m sad today. I wish he was
I’m sad today. I wish he was home and I could just be alone with him and hold him. I was so frustrated and mad that I wasn’t feeling any sad and it just is really hitting hard.
Gosh can I relate to some of
Gosh can I relate to some of this. HOME...I haven't felt any feelings of HOME in over 3 years. I agree with the poster above who said somtimes love isn't enough. I am so fearful that this will happen to me, because I too am miserable and it's starting to take a toll on me physically. My chest hurst all the time, I'm shaky, I can't think/see straight, I alwasy feel under pressure and rushed.........this whole thing is making me feel like I am crazy....
I miss HOME. I miss my life before this disaster, as it was peaceful and happy and easy. I'm fearful that I'm going to snap and say awful things that I can't take back.....but also can no longer keep inside.
And like you I gave up everthing in my life.....my DH and I are polar opposites and it's starting to show now along with all the blended family shit which is a TON and never ending. He's republican and believes in God, I am a democart and don't belive in God. I like to have a big group of frieinds...he wants none. I wake up early ready to go, he sleeps in and takes naps. I like to do stuff around the house to make it better/nice...he doesn't care to do anything....I'm outgoing...he is not. I'm spontanious...he is not. I want to live a full and excting life...he wants to lay in bed and watch TV. But I love him.....but my god how will this ever work? It won't and I did give up my entire past life for this......I can't imagine starting all over again in my 40's and now we have a toddler together....
You are a successful
You are a successful professional. The current location and circumstance you are in does not change that. Your plan is sound, return to the environment format where your education and experience will facilitate returning to your proven level of success.
Sometimes a desired equity life partner.... isn't. In those situations, we can only do what is best for ourselves.
Learn from this, focus on you and be selective and patient in your next choice of a partner. Successful pairing is as much a factor of analysis as it is emotion. If a person is worthy, test the water. If they are not worthy. Write them off and move on.
Take care of you.
Good luck.
I want to be back in So Cal,
I want to be back in So Cal, I want my Porsche because I don't have to worry about paying DHs debts, or taking care of SS.
This sentence says it all, HE wants your bank balance and a baby sitter. This is the only reason as to why he's was nearly 'crying' and soooo upset is because he suddenly realised he going to have to pay his own way and look after his brat.
Thanks for saying that. He
Thanks for saying that. He makes me feel guilty saying "most people drive bla bla cars". Ya I get that but it isn't the point. The point is me sacrificing all I've worked so hard to have for HIM while he won't even do the most simple, basic, parenting for me (and his child who will benefit from it in the long run). And frankly I as damn proud of what I had accomplished at my age, ran three companies to achieve this requireing constant cross country travel and was enjoying the fruits of my labor. Now the fruits of my labor invovle sacrifice and being treated like crap constantly. He chose to get into debt while I at most had 2k of debt ever at a time, and that was usually when some emergency happened (a medical bill from an accident). I could basically always pay anything I had off in a week or two.
I did not know about the debt when we married....well, I didn't know the extent. People, get things in writing. It was a miscommunication but let's say I thought he said 5 when he said 50, but a higher number than that even! We are even still paying his ex wifes debts because even though they said they were hers in the divorce, some are still hitting his credit and due to his security clearance his job was threatened as he cannot have such things on his credit so it was pay it or be unemployed and likely to not be rehired in his industry again (a big deal obviously).
He makes me feel guilty
He makes me feel guilty saying "most people drive bla bla cars".
Don't feel guilty. You are not "most people". He's trying to drag you down to his level of ordinariness - don't let him do that!
(No subject)
Why would he assume you
Why would he assume you needed him to buy you a car when you’ve already been capable of buying yourself a Porsche? He gets zero say in what car you buy for yourself
My DH & I work really hard. We have cars most people don’t have. We have a really lovely home. We wear nice clothes, and we still live well below our means & put plenty into savings every single month. No one has the right to make you feel badly for the things you like & the lifestyle you’ve been able to provide yourself.
This man is doing nothing but drag you down on every front. His job, kids, debts - even exes debts!!! - location where you live, and now this controlling bit about what kind of car he’ll allow you to have?
Girl, you don’t need this mess. You were better off before him in every sense of the word!
The Porsche was a company
The Porsche was a company lease and a perq of her prior employement. She left that job for him. He should have replaced the car.
But fortunately, it is too late and she is purging this ass and his toxic gene pool from her life.
Good riddance.
As you said, she definately does not need this mess.
Seriously, I can relate to
Seriously, I can relate to you SO MUCH in the things you have been through. With BOTH my exhusband, who is a horrible malignant narcissist and a security clearance holder...yeah i got sucked into helping him pay off a shit ton of bills (IRS tax debt, $50k and more) due to that...bills I didn't know about until after we were married and even him blasting me about my Audi (that I bought before we were married!) and my formerSO who had a rotten ass son like yours does. So many things in common!
LEAVE! Girl, I am telling you, you will feel so much better - almost immediately.
Do not let him guilt you for
Do not let him guilt you for any reason. Particularly regarding your success and the associated things that your success has allowed you to have and experience.
Occasionally wife gets crap from her family and the occassional community member of the small town she grew up in. She is highly successful in her own right. When combined with my successful career she has very nice clothing, accessories and jewelry. We drive nice vehicles and live in nice homes.
There have been any number of whispers and even direct comment about how she does not need the things she has. No, she definately does not need it. But we have definately earned it.
For years she would avoid wearing her nice things when she visited her home town. That bothered me. I asked her why. We discussed it, and she decided not to do that any more. Any time I had joined her I did not cater to the environment, I did and still do what I want to do and they can either join me or not. Their call. I rent the vehicles I want to drive. I don't give what the community and my ILs may think a single thought.
Interestingly, once my wife no longer tried to hide her success, the tensions have declined significantly. Now instead of rumour to be whispered about, it is openly obvious that she is successful. Now people generally just ask her about what she is wearing, driving, and what she/we do. Most importantly, my DW is much more comfortable now that she has stopped stressing over her family and home town.
Be proud of yourself and your success and enjoy re-engaging in your exciting life.
Take care of you.
I suffer from panic attacks
I suffer from panic attacks too so I definitely understand that fear. It can paralyze you and make you stay in situations that you know aren't good for you because you know leaving will cause major anxiety and possibly bring on a panic attack (although staying will do the same, but we don't ever think of it that way). It sounds like you've given everything you possibly can to this relationship and haven't gotten much at all in return. In my experience, he will always choose his kid over you. And there is absolutely no guarantee skid will leave at 18 - I know many people in their late 20s/30s who still live at home! I think you are making the right decision. It will take time, but you will heal and be happy.
Will the real "In and Out" please come forward...
Being a SoCal girl...I think you know what I mean. Seems pretty clear to me. LEAVE. Every part of you already KNOWS this is what you should do.
Stop spinning your wheels in a place you don't want to be...and I'm not talking about location only. "Wherever you are....there you are." YOU DON'T WANT TO BE IN THIS SITUATION so trust yourself and get back to the happy place in your heart.
Just no
Your health is the most important thing. You need to look after your physical, mental and financial health and you know how to do that. So get yourself on a plane and get out of this mess that is destroying you. You can deal with your marriage at a later date, when you have sorted yourself out. I suspect this relationship won’t look so great if you get heathy and put time time and distance between the two of you.
I don’t think your husband
I don’t think your husband really knows you at all—not the inner beauty, the things that bring you joy, the things that bring you down. He is in love with the part of you that fits nicely in his life. He doesn’t “get” or care about the rest of it.
He doesn’t feel isolated, so why should you? He has a nice car, no more thought about transportation. He doesn’t care about nice restaurants so that shouldn’t be important to you either. He sees the world through his own filter and has a hard time understanding that there are other ways of being.
You, on the other hand, have worked your ass off to live comfortably, traveled and adapted. I’m sure you thought you could adapt to Podunkville. But you’re slowly losing who you are so that your DH can be comfortable with his life.
Get yourself back home—your real home. Then work out your marriage. Some couples do just fine with long distant relationships. And if you decide you want to end it, you’ll already be where you need to be.
This! OP read this as many
This! OP read this as many times as it takes to sink in!!!
I really appreciate all of
I really appreciate all of your comments. You all really are reminding me that I deserve to be happy too!
I needed a new phone. It had been like three years and a couple days ago or started to be a pain. So we go get me one today. FYI if anyone needs a new iPhone $250 Target gift card for certain ones and it ends tomorrow. Score! Anyway he was bitchinf about the cost. Annoyed me so much. I mean I don’t ask for crap and I haven’t had a phone in a long time and these things stop working and need to be replaced. He wanted me to get a cheaper one but I said no. He’s complaining and i remind him that SS lost his nod even paid for phone what his mom bought him and was paying the bill for, causing us to get him a new phone and now take over the bill. He left it in his locker and it was stolen because “it’s too much work to put the lock on”. I reminded him he wasn’t even mad about that but he’s bitching at me!! An adult who contributes, about needing a phone after three years. His response was “well I got SS a cheaper phone”. Yah, good! He didn’t deserve a better one since he doesn’t lock his damn stuff up. Uhh. Was so mad. I know when i leave he will mention the phone but know what babe, it’s the least you could do.
Reading your story is like
Reading your story is like reading my own life... I use to be a happy girl, me and my DH have a great business together cause we both work our ass off.
We have nice house, a few nice vehicles and almost anything we wanted and two beautiful kids.... everything was so perfect but his past won’t not let him move on.
his ex is the bigger loser you could imagine. A mom that can’t even keep a roof above her head even with $2000 child support and we pay everything for the kids.
i wish the step kids would just disappear , don’t judge meZ anyone in our shoes would feel the same but they are not going to just disappear....
im thinking about giving up too. Especially he’s not even home with us he moved out with his kids.... so what’s the point for me to stay married???