run....get in your car and drive far far away...

Take it slow. There is NO right time, and there is no right answer. I would recommend when you are ready for that step to go very slow, let him handle all the responsibility involving his kids. A lot of us tried to be supper SM and it ended up biting us in the butt and we got walked on/hated by our Skids. As far as the BM is concerned, Put it off as long as possible. She is his ex, and you dont have to speak with her, and you do not have to be her best friend.

Dont let him pressure you into meeting his kids/ex wife. Take things slow and make sure that you are happy.

Given the young ages of his children, here is something to think about.

How long has he actually been parenting them and caring for them on his own?

How much of his motivation for you to come and stay is actually based on you doing the cooking, cleaning, and minding of the children.

You need to make it very clear that even though the children are very young, you are not a substitute mommy. He will be cooking their food, serving it to them, teaching them manners, cleaning up after them, doing the bathing, pj'ing and nighttime routine. He needs to stay on top of their laundry, keep their beds clean, keep the home in order.

Make sure he does all the actual parenting. You don't really want to be the mommy at his house because those kids already have a mommy.

It's very common for a divorce to start out amiable and then go to hell in a handbasket. For one thing, attorneys thrive on conflict because there's more money in a high-conflict divorce.

Step back and let this man get his life straightened out before you get in very deep with him.

Read on here about how SM's who have subsequent children and what they deal with.

RUN!!!

dog person is right!!! My (now ex) bf is an awesome parent...in his head. In reality he coddles, babies, and spoils them, and puts them on an unreachable pedestal. Do NOT meet the kids until you see (or hear) how he parents. He will tell you things he did, things they did, how he handled stuff,etc. in day to day conversations. Even still, once you are in the picture, it might change 100%. This happens when they have guilt about the divorce, and if he does, you will see that you are always the odd man out. Hopefully this does not happen, but look out for the signs!

RUN. There are just too many childless men available to get into rearing someone elses kids. Consider if the bio-mother: dies, goes crazy, abandons them plus one of the kids comes down with a disease which takes full time care for 20 years until they die.

It's happened and you're not exempt.

If you must enter into this foolish endeavor then when you are have formally announced as a couple intending to marry you can take that step. Definitely open a door between you and the bio-mother assuring her that you have no intention of trying to replace her as the mother and please tell you her rules for the kids that should be followed when they visit.

Do not have children of your own with this man for two years. That will give you time to decide if you want to stay with him before dragging another child or two into the mix.

Oh and one more thing. RUN - a few hours here should convince.

I agree with some of the advice you are getting editorgrl. Not with the RUN attitude though. This is your relationship, you want it. He wants it. There are a lot of people on here who mean well, even the ones that say RUN. Some of the people here have been through horrible situations with the BM and the Skids. I am among them.

Get a lot of boundaries set and STICK TO THEM! You have no idea how gad I was to see your BF said that he does not believe in co-sleeping. Another boundary is "you are their dad, I am not responsible for them" I cannot stress this enough.

My significant other (SO) and I fight about this all the time. I am responsible for his kids, but have no say in how they are raised. I am much more strict and he is NOT! These are things that couples with out kids in the beginning work out before they have kids (at least that is what the books say )

I think you are on the right track actually. Keeping the communication open and SETTING BOUNDARIES. You are obviously doing that. But STICK TO THEM!

Good luck!

"believe maybe a quarter of what he says as far as his "parenting style." My FH and I were PERFECTLY on the same page as far as how children should be raised. We literally agreed on everything! Unfortunately, he was completely unable to put his words into action once the children were in his presence. All of his talk was just that - talk! And when I pointed out the disparity between what he said and what he actually did he became VERY defensive - basically because he knew very well that he was being a Disney Dad and taking the lazy way out - and that was when all the fighting started.

Bottom line - it is easy for them to talk about how wonderful a parent they are. Seeing them in action is a real eye-opener."

is exactly what what I would have said, but saved me the typing.

Is a hotel and day visiting with him and the kids out of the question? That might be the way to go for awhile.

I am happy for you and ex but really think about his kids and your future together seriously,far too many people don't and end up stuck,unhappy,etc.,etc.!!!!!!!!

i don't agree with the poster who said it was great to hear he didn't agree with co-sleeping and I'll tell you for why. This has nothing to do with co-sleeping as an issue and everything to do with their parental conflict, which is currently underground but is likely to come out into the open in really unexpected ways in the future. I was in a very similar situation to yours at the start of my relationship with DH too. But early on, there were these tiny little digs at BM's parenting style being uttered... and I took them at face value, agreeing that she was in the wrong... what, looking back now on it all 15 years later, was really happening I think was that theirs had been a marriage where there had been some fundamental conflict which was never voiced at the time, but only came out later, in the divorce process. DH did everything BM wanted, everything was pleasant and amicable, he always knuckled under, UNTIL... they were no longer an item. Then it was the time to mount a few tiny attacks on her using me as an audience. They seemed so insignificant. And indeed they were, when compared to the unholy hell that BM unleashed when she realised that the relationship was really over. And I'm not talking about the public scenes, though they did occur. I'm talking about the use of the children as pawns and footsoldiers in a manipulation competition. You've got the start of one in your situation already. A conflict over as serious and fundamental an issue as co-sleeping. Believe me, this is only the tip of the iceberg. He will start to complain of a lot more over time. And though he may do nothing to confront her directly, the little criticisms of each other will fly to and fro... via the children... at the ultimate expense of your happiness as you watch their drama overshadowing your romance.

You have to remember three basic truths in this situation. (1) If they are as civilised, educated and sussed as you say, and I don't disagree that they sound it, then you have to look at the fact that they have had no open conflict as a problem. Stable, reasonable, civilised people do not get divorced unless it is the absolute last straw. Yes, trash marry and divorce easily: but people of the type you describe have to have gone through internal hell and back before they do that to themselves and their children. Bear that in mind. A lot of pain is not being expressed by one party or the other and this may be because it is yet to be expressed - MESSILY.

(2) I think you haven't been married. Until you are, you won't necessarily know that married people's deep (and of course conflicted, no doubt) feelings for each other do not stop immediately on separation and divorce. In particular, this BM may still harbour ideas that what they are having is a trial separation. There will be a big sea change once she sees it is really over.

(3) Never just listen to one side of the story in a divorce. I'm not saying speak to BM, but do please take everything the husband is saying with a pinch of salt. I believed everything my now DH said about it being over, it being amicable, the kids being fine, him being a single parent, and on and on and on. It was much of it wishful thinking on his part. He was not consciously aware of all the shit stored up and still waiting to pour over him, his extended family, and anyone he had a relationship with in the future. This from an intelligent, educated and philosophical woman.

So, in sum, I agree there is no point being a glass-half-empty person and negative, but whilst you take a glass-half-full stand on this situation please remember that water even if plentiful must be conserved. Therefore, preserve your privacy and your separation from him and his kids until many moons hence. Do not move in. Leave him to have visitation or residency arrangements in his home, not yours. Only share property and full emotional goals once the divorce and financial settlement is over and he has done a year of getting used to the new parental regime. If he has the maturity you see in him, he will hack it and you will both live happily ever after. If not, you can get out gracefully and unscathed. Win-win.

You might consider something before you hopelessly lose your heart in this relationship.

Many times, this is so very common, when a couple breaks up, the single person is weary and hurting and fearful of being alone. A natural reaction is to look backward to former relationships to see if they can be rekindled. This is easier than looking forward to having to meet new people, face rejection, etc.

Because this is a rekindled romance, and he is still married, proceed with caution. Uber caution.

Ulp! I just saw stepmisery's post talking about your rekindled romance. I had not remembered by the end of your post the point that this was a relationship you had before his marriage. This was exactly my situation too, though our first relationship was 10 years before they married and 20 before he and I rekindled the romance. This is very relevant to the warning I gave. If there is any possibility that she sees him as having held a torch for you throughout their relationship, then first of all she will be deeply insecure about you and secondly it will be fatal to any good resolution because she will not be able to resist passing that idea onto the children and/or making scenes about it. You then get presented as the jezebel who broke up their relationship when you are not even guilty as such. Children do not forgive this kind of stepmother.

Timing is such an individual decision. My DH and I moved fast: met, engaged a couple weeks later, met skids, married 9 months after we met, pregnant 6 months after marriage. We have been married 7 happy years btw

So timing isn't the issue. Maybe you are subconsciously looking for an issue to delay things?

I love my skids but there have been times I wish I never had skids at all. Then I felt guilty because all of those bad times with them eventually pass. So I have learned to stick it out. Some posters on here have awful skids and I feel for them and don't know how they do it. Mine are in no way perfect and have their moments of hurting our feelings (DH, mines and our son's) but in general, and in spite of their worthless mom, they are good kids. They just don't have the guidance they need. Times are ok for now, but just ok. Both of my skids are in therapy because their mother has done zero parenting and we are afraid that the other has a disability because he is just behind mentally and in life, so we are in a lousy situation but are making the best of it.

And I don't care how nice your boyfriend's soon to be ex is, she will not always be that way. Wait until child support, custody, tax season, school, and every other life event comes around. Our BM is terrible, but if you saw her and I having a conversation you'd think we were BFFs. She is such a phony and had those kids to get child support so she wouldn't have to work (over 30, lives with parents & little sister who has 2 kids, never had a job or even license).

Every situation is different. Things will happen that you will not expect. Things will not always be good as far as the skids are concerned. These are all facts. The people who post on this site care enough about fellow stepparents to answer questions & give advice and what you have here is a culmination of how many different ways your life could go. I know that I see my skids 3 or 4 times a year but what if something happens to BM and DH gets full custody? I am prepared for that (would actually be nice to have them & not deal with BM ).

If you stay with this guy you are in for a life filled with resentment and frustration. Not ALL the time of course, but these feelings will be part of your life. Timing of meeting the children is just the tippy top of the iceberg If this man is worth it, go for it. My DH is

I met my FSDs after 5 months of dating. We wanted to make sure we really wanted this relationship to be 'forever type ' of relationship firsst. My BF is a widower of 3 years so he had to be sure that this is what he wanted first.

I love my two little FSDs - they are a joy. Yes we have had some issues that we have had to resolve, but all in all it has been worth it.

I know that life is't going to be a bed of roses when I move in - in 8 weeks time, I but we have started installing proper routines, boundaries for the girls already which is a good start.

I wish you all the luck in the world... lots of people on here will tell you to run (because of all the heartache that you are bound to suffer like the rest of us) but if you are open and loving, and respect them and they respect you back then you are off to a good start. xx

Please RUN WHILE YOU CAN> I know this post is old....but run...don't get involved with this man no matter how much you love him. It's not worth it. Your life will become a nightmare and it will get worse and worse as the kids get older. You will also have their Biological mom in your life forever.... If I could go back to 4 years ago when I first met hubby I swear I would run, run, run!

You've been given some very logical, insightful advice. All I can tell you is to please seriously think about it all. So often people are so much in love, and are so hopeful for a successful relationship ("We'll be the ones who will make this work - despite all the odds against it," they say with conviction!) that they come here for opinions and then wind up in a defensive mode if it doesn't meet their subconscious ideas of happily ever after.

You have doubts or you wouldn't be here. That's a good thing. I also agree with the others that your previous relationship with this man is also an important factor and can have impact. Why did the two of you break up? Has something changed that would make your relationship more successful now than it was then?

Remember, this is NOT the same man you dated years ago. He became a husband. And then a father. And fatherhood of these two children (and thus, a potential connection to his Ex, her family, her future children) will last until he is dead and buried. Think carefully about that: Until. He. Dies.

There are billions of men on this planet. You've already been around the block with this one once, why go back? Especially when his life has changed so dramatically.

You need to think about what you may be giving up. One being the unified joy of being first time parents together. Even if it all works out and you have your own children together, it won't be his first experience at pregnancy and parenthood. You will always be second in that regard. That sort of thing may not matter to you but it is something to be aware of.

Second marriages have a high failure rate. And not to be cynical, but although your SO is telling you he wants more children, don't bet on it. Once he sees the financial implication of paying for the two he already has, he may have second thoughts about having more. He may just slow-roll you on the issue at first, until he finally says he doesn't want anymore. By then you may be years into it. And no matter what the financial agreement is for child support, you will certainly be helping to indirectly or directly subsidize the two he already has if you marry, or even cohabit, with him.

One can always hope that they will be the exception to any statistic and some people are. I always comment that those happy people may have no need to post here - but then again, I haven't found a site where all those happy Steps gather, either!

The other advice I always give is to take a look at the postings on the adult discussion forum here. So many people think problems will exist only till the kids become adults. Not true. Think about that when you are wondering about your future together - as I said, these kids will be a part of his life forever unless they become completely estranged.

No matter how much they may appear to "bond" with you, statistically those two kids will never fully accept you. Look and see what happened to some of the folks on the adult forum - after DECADES of caring for their skids, spending their own income and life savings on college, medical or other bills, loving them, caring for them, thinking they've got a good relationship - they are stunned to find out how easily the skids will kick them to the curb.

This, too, could be your future. You will never be a parent to these two children - you will always be dispensible in their eyes. And as much as your SO loves you, it will be a real test when he must make a choice between his kids and you on some sort of issue or event. Whatever you do, I would NOT marry this man for a long, long time.

My SO said he had an "amicable" relationship with his ex and family, too. But after many years into this relationship, I see now there are all kinds of undercurrents and significant and serious problems which were not immediately apparent. In some ways, it was much more destructive than out-and-out hostility.

You could be one of the exceptions where it all does work out fine. No one knows the answer to that at this stage - including you.

The question, however, is are you willing to bet some of the best years of your life on it?

i don't see a problem meeting the kids. then again, i've never seen the point of why these things have to be such a build up and create such tension. To me, if i can't stand these kids - i want to know in the beginning not six months down the road when "we're serious".

2. it seems as if you've made up your mind, so i fail to see the point of asking our advise. Don't worry, we will welcome you back when your "different" situation starts looking eerily similar to the countless other of this board.