To clarify
I feel sort of attacked by some of you who say that my husband is "obsessive" for keeping his mid week visit with his daughter. Some of you say it's okay if her mom doesn't keep her visit if she knows she's a good mom. What if it's part of the custody order? She insisted that the custody order include a mid week visit when my stepdaughter is with us but she doesn't do it.
My husband spends a few hours with his daughter on his mid week visit and that's that. He doesn't intrude on her when she's with her mom. Her mom on the other hand calls her daughter 5-15 times a week on our home phone when she's with us. When my husband has mentioned that's kind of a lot, she said it's because she misses her daughter so much. If she misses her so much why hasn't she done a mid week visit in several years? I just wanted to explain our situation.
While I see your point about
While I see your point about her "voluntarily" giving up time with her kid, now that it is more clear that she has SD for an entire week on and is skipping her mid week visit on dads time, it doesn't seem like a hill to die on to me. BM in our case is always giving up time with SS. Whatever, we will take him. That's her problem, not ours.
You're right. I just didn't
You're right. I just didn't know if it was "normal." I'm not a mom.
I'd agree except for the fact
I'd agree except for the fact that my husbands daughter has started asking him over the last few weeks, "is it okay if Mommy comes to visit me after school, etc?" Then he has to go to his ex and ask her if she will and she says she can't and then he has to tell his daughter it won't work. She's starting to act like it's up to her dad but it's not it's up to her mom! My husband is a good man and he won't throw his ex under the bus...
Wait a minute isn't this the
Wait a minute isn't this the woman you wanted to have a coffee with and make friends with? Clearly it seems to me you feel very hostile toward her. Good thing she stood you up - that would have been a big mess.
I'm not hostile! I'm simply
I'm not hostile! I'm simply describing her choices and hoping to get feedback.
And I never said I wanted to be friends with her. I said it might be good thing if we were more familiar with one another. Big difference!
I don't think you are being
I don't think you are being fair on yourself. You wanted feedback and when much of it was supportive/neutral toward her, you said you felt kind of attacked. I just have a feeling that you would like others to attack her for you. I'm not saying that we don't all do that on ST from time to time, of course it's part of getting support and working through issues when we live in such difficult environments many of us. But to me the way that you are just dropping these hints in without owning them could explain why this BM could be avoiding the midweek attendances. She may feel subtly criticised on your territory and not be able to tell you and your DH that. If you accepted that you feel a level of hostility toward her, it would not be the end of the world in fact it would be entirely "normal"
although you might appear less saintly, but then at least you could find peace with the idea that BM is keeping away from you.
So it's somehow my fault that
So it's somehow my fault that my stepdaughter's mom doesn't keep her visits?! Wow. I may not be completely clear about all this as I process it but I haven't done anything to deserve that.
Okay then.
Okay then.
I looked back to see the
I looked back to see the original debate and see that this is just a continuation of the same issue. If people disagree, it is not a "sort of attack". It is a different opinion. There is a spectrum of opinion. That is certainly normal.
Yes! It's very frustrating to
Yes! It's very frustrating to not have a regular schedule, it disrupts us a lot. My husband has told his ex that she has to tell her daughter that she's not showing up. She says she will, then she doesn't, then my husband picks up his daughter at school and she's all "Where's Mommy?!" It's really hard because he always says "it didn't work out this time, honey." He never blames his ex in front of his daughter.
My husband and I never speak
My husband and I never speak badly of his ex in front of his daughter. I understand how important that is!
The lack of visits hasn't been an issue until recently when her daughter has starting asking her dad about them. She hasn't asked her mom. She said she's scared her mom will get mad. So she asks her dad, he asks his ex, she says no, and he has to relay that to his daughter. It's not good.
Yes. It hasn't always been
Yes. It hasn't always been that way, but it's up in the air now and that's hard. The truth is that my husband contacts his ex to see if she wants to do her visit and she says she can't. I don't know how he can deliver that info to his daughter without hurting her!
Yes! My stepdaughter often
Yes! My stepdaughter often seems sad and is even sometimes teary and goes to her room after talking with her mom. I just figured that she misses her mom a lot, which is why I even care that her mom doesn't keep her visit. I'm not her mom but I'm protective of her! But I feel so powerless!
The reason I'm talking about this and thinking about it is that my husband supported my invitation to his ex but he said very clearly that the one thing I shouldn't bring up is that she doesn't keep her visit. I wasn't planning on it, frankly I'd hoped we might talk about the weather, our families, our work, etc. But once he said that it got me thinking.
I guess it was a mistake to read that book No One's the Bitch!
Wow, I just found that book
Wow, I just found that book on Amazon. The description sounds a lot like our situation, which I thought was pretty good. Thanks for the recommendation!
I have 2 SILs who are still
I have 2 SILs who are still part of our family, one is my brother's ex and the other is his current wife. They together forged an incredible relationship of mutual support in respect of their kids and the general extended family. I really take my hat off to them. It took a massive amount of emotional hard work and goodwill, plus moral strength on both their parts. But in your situation you have strong feelings of protectiveness of your SD, loyalty to your DH, a sense of powerlessness and yet difficulties from your DH about how you communicate with this woman... Looking at it from the outside I would say that where there is this knot of very difficult feelings that there is emotional abuse of a child by a BM going on, you are not going to be able to do yourself justice by meeting with a BM and pretending the feelings just are not there. There is conflict/dishonesty inherent in the situation which it may be is preventing both your DH and your BM from "going there"... I would say it would be right not to try to forge a link with a BM in this situation until the problematic issue has been cleared up. Some of the posters have made practical suggestions as to how your CO could become a more honest and accurate document, perhaps once that happens or your DH actually addresses these matters with the BM, would be a time when she and you can both feel like meeting?
You're right. I guess there
You're right. I guess there is too much going on now to meet with her. Consider me duly chastised. Guess it really was good that she cancelled. If I've learned one thing reading everyone's posts it's that the husbands/fathers need to step up and take care of things. My husband generally does a good job of that. Time for me to back off I guess...
My husband and I could care
My husband and I could care less. But his daughter cares. She notices that her dad always visits her and her mom doesn't. Somehow she thinks it's up to her dad, when it isn't! He would love for his ex to keep her court-ordered visit.
By the way, she used to work 15 hours a week and she just quit that job. So it's not like she's a hard working mom trying to support her kid. My husband pays her thousands of dollars each month in alimony and child support. She doesn't have to work. The least she could do is show up for her child.
So as a stepmom 50% of this
So as a stepmom 50% of this child's life I have no right even to make an observation? To ask advice? To have an opinion? Really?
That's all very true. I
That's all very true. I wasn't pushing for those things but I understand your point. Maybe it's easier for stepparents who have heir own children.
You're doing it again! It's
You're doing it again! It's not easier for DB, she just has a lot of wisdom to share! She is not criticising you or boasting!
AS a step-parent one is so
AS a step-parent one is so often just a handmaiden -- and it's not just BMs that benefit from that, but also DHs. In particular we are not as important to the child as are the two parents.
I hate that.
I hate that.
It's clear from the way you
It's clear from the way you express your posts that it causes you a lot of anger which you do not have the emotional validation from your support system to express. But you can be open on ST and admit to this anger. If you don't, you'll just continue to be worried what people think. Maybe other SMs feel differently about this analysis, but imo this -- the fact that the bioparents are usually of the primary importance to the child -- is one of those immutable facts that happen in human relationships to be the baseline. One then has to turn for comfort to the serenity prayer -- if it can't be fought, don't fight it. Know the difference as to where to put your fighting energy. Otherwise the anger turns in on oneself and becomes defensiveness to others too.
That's funny, Dtzy! In my
That's funny, Dtzy! In my office ( i work in a big city in the North East) there is a woman who addresses everyone with "Yes, Ma'am" when she is really mad and insists on being passive-aggressively uber-polite. She has an advanced degree. It drives people cray-zeee! Plantation slave owner indeed....
Why keep waiting each week
Why keep waiting each week for BM to 'maybe' come? Yes BM has a one afternoon (evening?) allowed visitation during DH's week of the 50/50...she chooses not to take advantage of it. Dh should simply ask BM to text him the evening before whether she is planning on using her allowed visit. No biggie if not, but a heads up would be appropriate in the line of common courtesy. You can go on with making plans or getting on with your normal routine.
It appears BM prefers to implement phone privileges over actual hands-on. The number of these calls though is excessive. DH can tell her that she is welcome to call everyday for 10 minutes (example only) or a set three evenings a week to chat with SD. Just because BM chooses to not use her hands-on chance does not mean she can freely phone your home and intrude whenever she wants or does have a desire to talk to her daughter.
Who knows why BM doesn't use her allowed hands-on? If everything is good between her and SD the week she has SD on the 50/50, she may just not feel a need to physically do so (or is just being lazy?) Maybe the scheduled day is BM's gym work-out day? Regardless, she's chosen not to use it and hasn't for quite a while. I don't think it necessarily indicates she a bad mother or a BM that can't be bothered. Great, Dh uses his allowed afternoon, but does that really make him a 'better' parent? Do you really think DH loves his daughter 'more' than BM does because she doesn't use the hands-on? Could it be you're much more worried about this than the actual child is? Sure, SD is asking if BM is coming this week, but is she doing it because she hears DH/you discussing Mom is suppose to come x day? Does she really feel neglected considering BM calls non-stop.
My two cents suggest slowing down the number of phone calls and leave the hands-on allowance to SD and BM. If SD asks if BM is coming Dh can simply say 'I don't know if Mom is planning on it this week or not, you can talk to her about it when she phones ________(whatever day is a planned call). That's not tossing BM under a bus. DH has no clue what BM's plans are during her 'free' week .
That's a good idea about the
That's a good idea about the phone. My husband tried something like that when his daughter was younger and more upset by her mom's calls. It didn't work well. His ex said he had no right to take her time away and restrict her access to her daughter. But maybe it's worth trying again.
Thanks for your time.
I'm very confused by so much
I'm very confused by so much conflicting advice from this website, the books I'm reading, my friends and family. I'm just trying to do right by my stepdaughter and my husband and myself and the family we're creating together.
I'm not "disengaged" (a word I learned here) and I don't plan to be. I know my situation is really easy compared to what alot of you deal with but it's my situation and right now it's hard which is why I came here for help.
It is confusing, but read on
It is confusing, but read on and talk on. Don't see that as a negative or something to complain of. I'm not meaning to offend when I say that an alarm bell sounds for me when you say "I'm just trying to do right by my stepdaughter and my husband and myself and the family we're creating together". But what you are "just" trying to do would seem to me to be creating a family which cannot at the moment exist happily. SD is clearly equally committed to DH and BM. DH does not want you to step on BM's toes. You feel let down by the both of the adults and ripped off by BM. So what is your position in the family? Extra parent? Adult? Child? Have you used that phrase "create a family" to either BM or DH, who did so automatically and instantly by procreating? I think many birth parents, in perfectly happy blended families, might still not like that phrase and might find it presumptuous. I'm not saying they're right but that is how they would feel. As your relationships develop with all of these 3 people, I'd advise great caution. Do not seek love and commitment from this girl at this stage for she is already beginning to complain about her mom to the two of you. For good reason, perhaps. But my guess is that it will not be long before she complains to BM about DH and, unfortunately, you. I tried to help my DH help my OSD for a number of years at about the same age with her tears, her sense of loss and letdown by BM. In the end that girl became so eaten up by such feelings which she projected onto both parents, that the damage was increased by them being excessively validated by each parent. I don't say your situation is the same, but just... protect yourself. Have an escape clause. Admit the hostilities and face them head-on. I like other posters feel you are too invested in being a kingpin in this child's life and you could later be knocked out of that position extremely painfully. It is not the true position. You are a helper not a primary carer, even in a blended family.
For some reason this made me
For some reason this made me cry. I guess I'm more of a mess than I thought.
It's not being a mess to try
It's not being a mess to try your best in this very painful situation, which you have done. You've had some tough replies on this thread but don't take them personal and keep reading. This is a very supportive site.
I get what you're saying but
I get what you're saying but that doesn't make me feel calm. it makes me really sad.
Pilgrim Soul posted a really
Pilgrim Soul posted a really good article on this sort of feeling recently, called "A Trip to Holland" or something like that. To do with the grief attached to some of our dashed expectations. Enter her name into the search field and you'll find it, or you could PM her.
Hey, Pilgrim! Just after I
Hey, Pilgrim! Just after I posted the above, you appeared! We're clearly psychic.
Hi Poodle! Clearly we are!
Hi Poodle! Clearly we are! Glad you liked my old post.
I just read up to your post re Welcome to Holland. OP, it is a beautiful essay about dashed expectations. We all have them, for various reasons. it was written by a mother of a child with Down Syndrome, i think, back in the 1980s.
They say if you google it, Welcome to Holland The Essay comes up more often or higher than the Visitor's Center website in Amsterdam. It is just THAT good
A note on limiting phone
A note on limiting phone calls.. DH did this with BM. When SD was 4, BM was calling in the morning before daycare, when I picked SD up at 4, again around 6 & finally again around bedtime or at her 6 oclock call she would tell SD "Call me before you go to bed!"
DH slowly limited it. At first, miss one call. When BM calls back a few hours later, answer. Miss that one call every day. First, BM was pissed. Eventually, (it may take a year! trust me! lol) BM will stop that call or stop expecting it. Then, the next. The next and the next. It eventually got to one call a day, if BM called before SD went to bed. Call too late? too bad. Call at 6 & Sd goes to bed at 8? You won't be talking to her again at 8. It's still once a day which is more than most CO phone calls go for.
There will be flack and she will be mad. She may stop answering your DH's calls AT ALL when SD is with her. But he still visits midweek so he could endure it for awhile to stabilize things for SD.
If he feels passionate about the calls like you do, he should get SD's take on it. SD in my case asked myself, then her mom one day - "Why does mommy call me ALL day long?". Of course, BM flipped the question to as if SD asked "why haven't you called me all day?" & said "well you were at daycare I called when I knew you'd be home". SD, frustrated, just dropped it. That was enough for DH to make a change.
I am not disenaged from SD. I love her. She's only 7 & we have a special relationship. I am the only person she confides in right now. I know that may change, & my heart is prepared for that. BUT - I am 100% disengaged from SD's BM. I don't see her, talk to her, etc. & DH doesn't tell me her drama. Because it stresses me out & honestly - what's the point? Nothing good came from it. Maybe you could consider the same.
Be honest with yourself. You don't like BM. You don't think she's making good choices as a mother. You see her hurting SD. Meeting up with her wont' change that or your feelings. I am honest - I think BM is a piece of shit human being let alone mother. She sucks. & if I felt that way about any other person on this earth, I wouldn't speak to them. Why is BM any different?
Can of worms opened eh? I'm
Can of worms opened eh? I'm not reading 3 pages of this I just wanted to suggest that when the girls asks Daddy if Mommy can pick her up his response should be "You'll have to ask her that because she doesn't need my permission". Then Daddy dials the phone if the girl is not old enough yet.
I understand your irritation at never knowing if the girl is going therefore you have to wait to see if its OK to take her to the grocery or if you'll need a baby sitter, etc. It would be irritating to a degree and my only response is that you'll just have to make waiting a part of your schedule that day - or Daddy perhaps.
She is being discourteous but even in Family Court she's breaking no rules. She's rude. Accept it and get on with it.