CAUGHT SD(8) WATCHING INTERNET PORN!! UPDATE
3 days ago i woke up from an afternoon nap that was only 30 mins long only to find my SD (eight) looking at internet porn. i took a second glance just to make sure what i was looking at before letting her know that i was right behind her. when i told her what she was doing with an alarming and angry voice she closed the page quickly and got up from the chair and walked towards me scared like a mouse. i ask her why she was looking at that and she says "it just popped up by itself" and i just stare at her and then she says "i won't do it again". that made me think that she was lying about the page popping up by itself. then i go to my room to get the phone and she runs behind me crying and begging me not to tell her dad. she becomes hysterical and i tell her "ur dad is not going to hit u if that is what scares u". so i send her to the other room but she won't go and i tell her "u are just gonna have to behave better form now on" and she misunderstood me thinking that i wasn't going to tell on her to what she says "yes yes i will behave from now on". another clue that tells me that it was not a pop up. so i talk to my husband and when he comes home we search the history of sites visited just to find out that it was not the first time. she has been here for the month of June and since she got here she has been looking and searching porn behind our backs when we are asleep. she would wake up really early in the morning and get on the net or waited for me to take a nap with my baby.
when my husband confronted her she denied everything and cried her eyes out for a while and would not answer our questions. later that day my H talked to BM and her first words were " don't blame me" and my H told her "im not blaming anyone i just want to know why she is doing that and how did it start" later on in the conversation my H says " oh so now im guilty and i thought u said not to play the blaming game". well as it was predicted she turned things around and now my H is the GUILTY ONE.
i don't know what to do anymore, what to say, or how to handle this situation that is driving us crazy. im worried cause SD was looking at this crap for a whole month and lying to our faces and the day i caught her her punishment had been lifted up from the day before when she did not follow the rules about tv. that morning she asked for permission to use the computer so i set the timer on her and when 30 mins passed i told her are u gonna use ur hour right now or wait for later on tonight? and she said i'll wait and use it later. so that was that and then she wanted to use her hour of tv so she asked me and i set the timer again and when the hour passed i told her to turn the tv off and that she had no more tv time for the whole day but she still had 30mins of computer time but she had to ask for it and be timed. so i told her to do something else while her dad got home from work which was the time when she wanted to spend her 30mins of computer. so i decided to take a nap and SD went into her room to read. what happened next i've told already not only did she violate tv time because she also had the tv on when she had no more tv time for the day, she also violated computer time cause she was supposed to wait for her dad or let me know that she was going to use but she was using it to watch PORN!!!!!
im very angry at this girl right now and worried cause i just read an article that says that these children will often or sometimes try these things they see on smaller children. my baby is 5 months old and i have left her in the care of her sister while i cook or wash dishes. i need some advice please!!!!!!
not sure but
I know for me i would totally cut out the computer for a while!!! Positively no computer time. THis is way out of my league..so i would probably do some research on the subject. I know kids are curious about all kinds of things and hopefully thats just what this is. Talking to her about it , i know i would also be doing that.
GOod luck wish i could help more!
yes
You can buy software that blocks porn from your computer, my SS14 was doing the same thing....I believe he was getting addicted! Get a block for your computer, and also ground her, until you believe she has regained your trust."~waiting on the world to change~"
Definitely put some parental controls on.
Why would an 8yo want to look at that? How would they know to look at it? She had to have learned it from somewhere. Kids develop a natural curiosity about body parts and how they fit together, and with the internet making this stuff so available, it's not hard for even a small child like this to find something they shouldn't be seeing. When I was breastfeeding my first child, looking up info on breastfeeding and dealing with sore nipples brought up all kinds of crazy stuff. Even innocent things can be misinterpreted without parental controls. Our firewall is set to not allow anything that is adult or has to do with drugs, violence, gambling, etc. Yeah, I have to turn it off to go bra shopping, but it keeps icky content away from my kids. I'd do some investigation and find out why she's looking, answer any questions she might have about this topic, and see if you can figure out who taught her to look up this stuff. Then I would tell her no internet for six months to a year, because she needs to mature and sort of deprogram her little mind before she's allowed to have access to a computer again. If you want to download games for her to play or something, I'd let her do that, but no internet for at least six months to a year. And depending on how she learned about all of this, she may need some counseling. This is one of those things that parents have a hard time dealing with because of the nature of it. It would probably be helpful to have a therapist give you some ideas on how to deal with her.
________________________________________________________________
ANNE 8102 ♥ GEORGIA
I'm with stepping
A child that young usually develops a curiousity beause of exposure to it in the form of abuse. SD 6 began making small mentions of things at 4 years old, wanting to watch kissing and intimate things on regular TV. She would run into the room when I would have something like Grey's Anatomy on only when they would be kissing. I kept telling DH that is was not normal and he would brush it off. Then last year was when we discovered she had been molested.
I have an 8 year old. Just to hear the word sex and she goes looney. DH and I kiss and she grosses out. A friend was telling me that her 8 year old was on the computer and types in www.girlfriend.com because she thought it was a site that she had been on that was for preteens about fashion and makeup. It was actually lingerie and dating and none of the girls were naked, but it was very provacative and she went hysterical! She did not sit and watch it. And if your SD has been doing it that much, then I would DEFINITELY seek counseling. She has been exposed in some way and you need to find out to what extent. Also, you mentioned that she was already in trouble and allowed a certain amount of time on the TV and computer because of behavior. That is another sign that something is not right. I would be on the phone with a psychologist ASAP!!!!
"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."
We have a seperate profile
We have a seperate profile for SD9 on our computers, and it has pretty strict parental controls on it. We also have a report sent to us daily of all the sites she visits. This way, we can keep tabs and keep her safe. Just as an example, when my BS20 was younger we had the controls on his profile and he needed to look up something to do with some kind of analysis and he couldn't access the page cause it saw 'anal'. So, when ever you do allow computer access again lock it down with parental controls. And as others have said above, take her to a therapist - there is no reason why an 8 year old should be searching for porn unless she's already been exposed to it or other like behaviors. Hang in there!
In my experience
Kids are so curious they will get into anything they can. And some do become aware of 'adult' subjects earlier than others.
Talk to her honestly about the dangers the internet can pose. Accept her apology, gain her trust and then ask if anyone else has shown her this kind of material.
Ban her from the computer for a decent period of time for choosing to view inappropriate material and, while she is not using the computer, take the opportunity to slap every kind of parental control on it.
My children were not allowed unsupervised internet time until they were 15. 2 have been busted looking at inappropriate material but in both cases it was at the home of another child with access to unsupervised internet time.
I agree...
When my son was 11 or so he was on our computer at 4 am looking up "naked ladys". I got on in the morning and checked the history, as I always did because we had no parental control capability on that (old HP laptop) computer.
When I saw the search, and the time, I called DH at work and said, "PLEASE tell me YOU were searching "nude ladys" on the computer at 4 am. Not that I WANT you to be, but PLEASE tell me it was YOU."
He laughed. Then he said, "Ummm... no. It was not me. Not only do I know how to erase history if I wanted to, I also am quite capable of spelling the word "ladies."
BS was embarrassed. STILL is because of course that little diddy is TOO good to not come up when he starts thinking he's smarter than us.
So I would say, yes 8 is young. But kids are finding out more and more, from TV, from mags, from their peers, then we did. I can remember seeing a page of a porn mag that someone had ripped out lying on the road when I was little. I was little enough that I was very shocked, but old enough to understand what sex was (the shock was that people did it the way they were in the PICTURE. Because THAT was not how I understood it to be!) The experience left me curious but also creeped out. So maybe she did find a mag in mom's bathroom that she shouldn't have seen. And maybe curiosity led to the internet, which wasn't around for me to browse as a child.
I'm afraid if you make a huge deal out of it she may interpret the whole ordeal as traumatic.
I'm not sure that curiosity would necessarily mean abuse. There are other symptoms of that to consider. Does she wet the bed often? Is she overly clingy affectionate or overly the opposite of that?
If I were you, I would maybe go talk to a child psychologist yourself to get feedback, before taking SD to one regarding this incident.
Just my humble opinion.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Restriction
No computer privelages and when that is up set parental controls so if she is allowed back on the computer that she can not pull up these websites. I had to do this with my son when he was 15 because he blew up my computer with all the porn he had been downloading. Also your DH needs to sit down and talk with your SD about this and find out WHY (especially at 8!!!) she would be looking for things like this on the net - I find that very strange - sounds like she has been exposed to something and it is up to DH to find out what that was. Hang in there I would have FREAKED.
my husband approached her in
my husband approached her in a very calm way to try and find out why she did that and where she learned but got nothing out of her. all she did was cry and cry and not even a sorry came out of her mouth.later on that day he tried again but to no use she did the same thing which was cry but no tears. the next day she acted as if nothing happened but was reminded when i was ignoring her attempts to be funny. on saturday my niece was going to dance at school and she wanted to go and was going to go before all this happened and when i took off to the store before going to the show my H was talking to her outside and when she saw that i was leaving she began to cry cause she wanted to go. when i got back to get ready for the show she was throwing a fit in the room cause she wanted to go with me and was mad for a while.
my H got some things out of her mostly nodding but then she would go back on her word and say something else. so i got tired of all that and began looking at my Hs insurance to see if it covers therapy and it does and got some local therapists.
today she was dropped off at her moms new apartment ( number 6 or 7 in the past 2 years)and he was going with the goal of talking to her and grandparents where is where she lives but BM said they were not going to be home. after she was dropped off my H called my and said he would talk to me when i got home cause he did not want to upset me. im still not home and im worried cause i know that its nothing good.
QUESTION: if she does not agree to take her to therapy can he take her? and does medicaid cover therapy?
Oh no. What did DH discuss
Oh no. What did DH discuss w/you? Did he get something out of her?
well he asked if it was on
well he asked if it was on computer were she first saw those things and she nodded no. five mins. later he asks the same question again but this time she says yes. then the next day he asks again and she says that she got the words that she was typing from her moms magazine that are in the restroom. she described the magazine as a fashion celebrity type but my H did not beleive it cause the words she was typing were sex and fu*#ing.
thanks everybody for your
thanks everybody for your comments and advice. SD is still not talking to us and it is getting very frustrating. she saw very hard core porn, lesbian sex videos,animal experimentation, dating websites and she also tried typing in the zip code, kissing games and lots more. i think that went beyond curiosity and i know she needs help cause for one she is not talking and when we finish talking to her she goes about as if nothing happened smiling and acting casual. i did my part and talked to her grandma and told her about therapy. BM is supposed to make an appointment and now we are just waiting. SD is coming this weekend and i just don't know how im gonna take it.
You've done what you could do.
Sometimes I really hate the internet. Her not talking bothers me. If there's an issue of danger, I always tell my kids they are not in trouble, but they need to tell me the truth. Keep us posted. I'm sure you're not the only one this has happened to.
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
UPDATE
I FOLLOWED U ALLS ADVICE ABOUT THERAPY AND CALLED MY HUSBANDS INSURANCE TO ASK FOR THERAPISTS AND WAS GIVEN 3 DIFFERENT OPTIONS IN OUR AREA. MY H CALLED BM AND GAVE HER THE NUMBERS SO SHE COULD MAKE AN APPOINTMENT. DAYS PASS BY AND NEITHER BM OR SD CALL TO LET MY H WHAT IS GOING ON SO H CALLS BM AND ASK IF SHE MADE THE APPOINTMENT TO WHAT SHE SAYS "YES BUT IT'S IN 2 WEEKS". LAT TIME H CALLED SD HE TOLD HER TO CALL HIM EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE CAUSE IF HE DOESNT CALL HER SHE WONT CALL HIM AT ALL THE OTHER THING HE TOLD HER WAS "DO U HAVE ANY QUESTIONS FOR ME?" AND SHE SAYS NO. HE THEN SAYS "HOW ABOUT ASKING HOW UR SISTER AND SP ARE DOING". HE ALSO TOLD HER THAT SHE HAS TO ASK FOR US TO KNOW HOW WE ARE DOING CAUSE SHE DOES NOT DO THAT.I TELL HIM "WHAT MAKES U THINK SHE I GOING TO ASK FOR US IF SHE DOESNT EVEN CALL U". HE WANTS TO INSTILL SOME KIND OF MANNERS AND FEELINGS CAUSE SHE DOESNT HAVE ANY.
WELL ANYWAYS SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO COME OVER THIS WEEKEND BUT MY H NEVER GOT THE USUAL ANNOYING CALL FROM BM SO HE HAD TO CALL. BM SAYS THAT SD WILL NOT BE COMING TO OUR HOUSE CAUSE HER GRANDPARENTS(SD'S PARENTS CAUSE SHE LIVES WITH THEM) TOOK HER FISHING IM GUESSING THE ISLAND CAUSE ITS THE ONLY PLACE WE HAVE FOR FISHING. THEY GET IN AN ARGUMENT AND BM SAYS "WELL SD NEVER TOLD ME THAT SHE WANTED TO GO WITH YOU THAT IS WHY SHE WENT WITH THEM INSTEAD OF YOU". NOW HOW MESSED UP IS THAT? NOT ONLY ARE THEY GIVING SD THE CHOICE TO COME OVER ONLY WHEN SHE WANTS TO BUT SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GROUNDED FOR A LONG TIME AND THEY TAKE HER ONLY HER NOT THE OTHER GRANDCHILD THEY HAVE FISHING.AND NO THE GRANDPARENTS ARE NOT TRYING TO CALM SD DOWNS SO THEY CAN GET SOMETHING OUT OF HER I KNOW FOR SURE THAT THEY ARE JUST DOING THAT TO SPOIL HER LIKE THEY HAVE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST 8 YEARS. NOW MY H DOESNT BELIEVE THAT BM MADE AN APPOINTMENT SO HE IS GOING TO CALL THE CLINIC AND MAKE SURE. HE SAYS THAT IT IS GOING TO BE UP TO US TO CORRECT SD CAUSE THIS WEEKEND HE REALIZED THAT GRANDPARENTS WILL CONTINUE TO PLEASE SD HOW EVER SHE WANTS AND BM WELL SHE IS IN HER OWN WORLD TRYING TO HOOK UP WITH ANYTHING. BEFORE THE CALL TO BM I HAD TOLD MY H WHAT THE NEW RULES FOR SD WERE GOING TO BE AND HE WAS NOT HAPPY ABOUT THEM HE THOUGHT THAT I WAS BEING TOO STRICT BUT AFTER THAT CALL HE MADE ME UNDERSTAND THAT I WAS TO BE IN CONTROL OF THE RULES. SO FAR WHAT I HAVE FOR SD IS... HAVE HER DO CHORES CAUSE SHE DOES NOTHING AROUND THE HOUSE WHEN SHE IS HERE SHE DOESNT EVEN VOLUNTEER TO HELP WHEN SHE SEES THAT WERE ARE CLEANING UP, NO MORE REWARDS FOR GETTING GOOD GRADES (CAUSE I BELIEVE THAT BEING SMART IS UR OWN REWARD AND BESIDES ALL THAT INTELLIGENCE WAS USED IN A VERY BAD WAY),AND TRY TO TEACH HER TO HAVE FEELINGS BUT I DONT KNOW IF U CAN TEACH SOMEONE THAT? (SHE DOENST CALL DAD,ASK FOR BABY, HUG DAD WHEN HE CRIES, TALK TO BABY WHEN SHE CRIES SHE COPIES HER CRY INSTEAD AND MAKES FURN OF HER AND MANY OTHER THINGS) AND BOUT HER PROBLEM ABOUT NOT TALKING WELL WE NEED THERAPY OTHERWISE WE ARE LOST BUT THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT IT IS ALL UP TO BM AND THAT REALLY SUCKS. THE ONLY REASON WHY I WORRY IS BECAUSE I HAVE A BABY WHO WILL LATER BE FOLLOWING AND IMMITATING WHAT SD DOES. IM AT THE POINT WHERE I WANT TO DISENGAGE CAUSE I DONT SEE ANY EFFORT FROM GRANDPARENTS,BM AND SD BUT I HAVE TO CAUSE ALL THOSE TROUBLES COME TO MY HOUSE EOW AND MIGHT LATER AFFECT MY BABY AND FUTURE CHILDREN....
So DH is the NCP?
Is that right?
Or do you have 50/50?
Let me know before I comment more. Sorry if I missed that somewhere.
Z
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Me, too.
I want to know about the custody situation, too. But really, even if he is the NCP and only getting EOW, that doesn't mean DH can't take her. Does he pick her up on Friday afternoon/evening or Saturday morning? You might be able to find someone who has Saturday hours. You definitely can find someone who has Friday afternoon/evening hours. Once school starts, he could even take her out of school for an appointment. Unless there's a court order specifically preventing it, BM can do nothing. The porn doesn't bother me as much as the other behaviors. There are some problems that have increased hypersexuality as a symptom, so that doesn't necessarily indicate sexual abuse.
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
A change is needed...I
A change is needed...I remember when we didn't have SD do chores here cause we ONLY had her eow, well that changed long before custody did- I have a firm belief that children need to earn their stuff in large due to working with a school system where there is an abundance of entitled children who do not know what earning means.
Go for it!!!!
I can tell you my SD is a different child in our home cause SD has respect for us, and BM has lost alot of SDs respect... still love will always be there and as long as SD does it knowing that BM is not always right or well intented(to say the least- we actually try to teach our kids we have flaws as everyone does- here they are and learn from them try to love us - even BM for SD- being real about us) but is still BM.
urgh sorry it is still lingering a little.
There is no reason where logic does not exist
he is NCP
he is the possessory conservator and picks her up EOW on Fridays at 6pm. he called the clinic which he told BM to call and make an appointment to make sure that she did call. she LIED she did not make an appointment "what a surprise". so now it is up to us to correct SD but since this or first challenge with her we are not so sure as to how to approach it.
But does BM have full legal custody?
Or just full physical?
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
as Anna says...
Hmmmm....that's funny!
I just noticed that the copying and pasting the info above, the number 8 followed by parenthesis, forms a Cool lookin' little dude.
I glanced at this today and thought, "Did I put all those little blue cool dudes in there?
Ha. The wonders of technology.
thankyou
thankyou for going through the trouble of finding this information i'll look into it and show it to H. i'll have more info on the custody thing for u in a bit its just that with hurricane dolly i havent had the time to look into this. right now im at my mom's cause at my house there is no electricity. ill keep u all posted and thank you so much again.