No you didn't handle it right. He's a 9 year old boy and you're supposed to be the adult.

If you really can't stand him, you have no business marrying his mother.

I can't give you any advice that will change his behavior. I wish I could just say to my SS what you said to your. In your case, I don't think he will change though as long as his mom continues to allow his behavior. I have a SS that is similar to what you describe. Some of his behaviors have gotten better, but they've been replaced by other annoying behaviors. I thought he would eventually grow out of it, and maybe he is slowly growing out of it, but I am so annoyed by him, that I probably wouldn't notice unless he made a significant turn around. I've known my SS since he was 7 and he is almost 12 now. I also have a SD whom I'm very close to. And although she has many annoying traits, hers seem more like typical annoying kid traits.

My SS also sees his father as an ATM machine. DH is just there to buy him things and play with him. He also cries when he doesn't get what he wants and he's in middle school. It's not cute; it's disturbing. Whenever SS gets in trouble for something, he immediately starts crying and brings up some sob story about how someone (sister, classmate, etc) emotionally hurt him in some way. He constantly deflects and tries to get sympathy to get himself out of any sort of punishment. And, DH and SD totally buy into it. They smother him with attention and say that he is just a really sensitive boy. That grates on me too. I had to give DH a picture of what middle and high school would be like for a boy who cries over everything. That got DH to toughen up on him a little. He is also extremely passive aggressive and used to be flat out aggressive with my dog until I caught him in the act.

For me, it hasn't gotten much better and having a child with DH made it worse in some ways. SS was upset that I was pregnant, didn't want us to buy anything for the baby (like a crib, car seat, etc), and in other ways a complete brat.

I've since disengaged with him. We have the kids full-time, but I do very little for him. Personally, I'd rather not even cook family meals, but I want my own son to eat healthy, so I can't have my son seeing SS and SD eating crap all the time. I muster up enough to be kind to him and say hi to him and goodnight to him, but I rarely do more interacting with him unless it's to tell him to stop doing something in my household. I used to do family game night, but he has made it clear (at least to me) that he only wants to play games with DH and SD, so that's fine. DH now just goes and plays video games with him.

In a way, I think if I made his life a living hell like he is making mine, he might ask to live with his mother. By my disengaging but being polite, he gets a lot of free reign in my house, and his actions grate on me, so it's me that has been suffering. DH has made comments about giving him to his mom when he's gotten to be too much for DH. My secret hope is that one day SS will do something that will cause his father to just give up. But really, it's DH. He is the one that needs to put his son in place. I have a lot of contempt for DH because of it and that is what is ruining our relationship. I hope yours will be different.

So in front of mom you sat the kid down and spoke to him in a nice,calm manner. As soon as mom was gone, you satvthe kid down and did a 180. Now when the kid tells his mom and dad (hopefully he does tell him) what happened when mom left the house, mom will defend you because she doesn't know the whole truth. Mom thinks you're trying to reach her son and bond with him. But you let the kid know everything you said in front of mom was a lie.

If the boy is lucky, mom will see what you're doing and end this relationship.

But you didn't lose your cool. If that were the case, you would have flipped out as soon as this happened- IN FRONT OF MOM. Instead, you waited until mom was gone.

You did the exact thing to that 9 year old that many SMs here have done to them. Their SDs are kind, while their dads are around. But as soon as the girls are alone with SM, they reveal their true colors.

To be honest, I don't have a problem with what you said. I just believe the same words/tone, should have been used in front of mom. That knows she knows exactly what she's dealing with. Right now mom is clueless, just like many of the dads posted about on here.

******

Alright…I get how you feel. I felt the same way about SS when he was 9. Ugh….just thinking of those days makes me feel yuky. Lol.

You know what I did? I would not marry or live with my DH until kid was much older. Like 16 years old. Yes…we lived apart for that long. We did see each other every day almost and lived very close but there was NO WAY in hell that I would have lived with a kid that made me feel that way.

If we would have married back when SS was that age…I 100 percent guarantee you that we would be divorced. So as it stands….we “dated/were engaged” for 7ish years and have now been married 6 years. VERY happily married I might add.

Trust me…your feelings about your SS will not get better any time soon and if you still marry this woman, you can’t say that you were not warned. Good luck. Step life is HARD.

So you are counting on the fact that mom might ship the kids to dads one day. That is really sad, and most likely won't happen if the dad is not on the same page. That may not be a possibility if dad gets a girlfriend or wife that puts a stop to that. And you do realize that your fiancé will grow to absolutely resent you, and most likely your kids. Do you think she is going to be welcoming your kids when you made life unbearable to the point she had to ship her kid away.

I would give up any man who didn't at least tolerate my kids. If you absolutely can't stand the kid and you truly love your fiancé, then you will let her go so she can be a mother.

I am fairly sure that your kids aren't perfect, but it doesn't sound like she is nitpicking them.

Boomer,

Welcome. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family dream.

Now, my thoughts.

I have no issue with how you handled the situation. You addressed behavior. That IMHO is the solution. It is time to sit your STB-bride down and inform her that there are behavioral rules in the relationship home that all children will be held to in an age appropriate manner. Behaviors will be addressed differently for each kid depending on their respective ages. So, a 6yo will be dealt with differently than a 9yo, etc…. Then enforce the rules and apply reward and consequences for behaviors. It likely will not take long for the 9yo to be the only kid with regular consequences for inappropriate behavior. The rest of the kids will have far less frequent deviations from acceptable behavior. If you keep it about behaviors then you are on the character high ground. One rule should be that the kids treat each other with respect and if any one of them deviates they must confront that child immediately and bring it to the parent who is present. No "well last week he/she did this" crap.

Behaviors matter. They should be the target of the household rules IMHO.

Focus on the behaviors and you will not have to feel guilty and you should not have to face (much) push back from your bride regarding her feeling the 9yo is being picked on by you or any of the other kids.

This philosophy worked well for my bride and I during the 16+ years we lived under a Custody/Visitation/Support CO in our blended family. I believe that it is important for both you and your bride to keep in mind that you are equity life partners in your marriage and that makes you both equity parents to any kids in the marital home regardless of kid biology.

My Skid (SS-23 though recently adopted by me) was much like your seemingly empty shell, soul-less, devoid of personality, liar of a game junky SS-9 for a number of years at about the same age you are seeing these things in your SS. Those were the tough years of our marriage. My bride and I met when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. He was a great and enjoyable toddler then when he hit the pre-teen years progressing through the Tween years and through his mid-teens it was a closely run thing as to whether it would be his mom or me that strangled him. Fortunately one of the other of us always would step in with a reprieve and the decision to give him a little more time. I am very happy and proud that his mom and I never quite aligned on doing him in. He has progressed to being a young man of character, high work ethic, and is a self-supporting viable adult. Sure, occasionally either his mother or I still want to strangle him for shoving his head up his butt but what 23yo young man hasn’t done that? We are fairly confident these days that he will be fine. He has completed year 4 of an initial 6 year USAF enlistment and just got his line number for promotion to Staff Sgt (E-5).

Deep breaths, focus on behaviors, be consistent with SS-9 and the rest of the spawn (yours and hers), you and your bride make each other and your marriage your unequivocal priority, make all of the kids the top marital responsibility, and it should all work out and even be a lot of fun.

And just maybe in about 12ish years from now SS-9 might just call and say “Mom and dad, I want dad (Boomer) to adopt me." Strange things can happen. They did for me with my blended family adventure.

IMHO of course.

Good luck and take care of you.

You don't need to marry this woman, and she's a fool for bringing you around her kids. You hate the kid, and what do you think will happen when he's a teen? Nightmare.

You and your fiancé need to be on the same page or this won’t work. Is she willing to stand with you on discipline?
One of the most important rules I had with my children was if one parent said no to something, there were consequences for going to the other parent after already being told no.

RUN, run far Run fast.

Dont look back!
Dont let tears or any of that stuff keep you there.
You will regret sticking around.......................trust me

I think it's funny that you say you're a strong man who runs your home. However, you waited until mom was out of the house to lose it on a 9 year old,

*****

Jesus...what bunch of bitter women on here.
At times I can honestly say I detest my step daughter.
She is the most overindulged brat I have ever met.
I lose the plot with her , the latest being when she kept stealing my gluten free cereal (I am coeliac). Eventually after many attempts to reason with her and nothing changing I lost the plot and took all that was left and emptied the lot all over her room and screamed at her "you want my cereal ...here have the effing lot but dont come anywhere near me ever again cos I dont hang out with disrespectful bastards"
Guess what...she stopped touching my cereal.
And you know what...there are times I cant stand my own children and yes I have lost the plot on them.
Give the bloke a break.Not liking your partners crotch dropping is normal.
But seriously ...reconsider your choice of future life partner.
Blaming the birth dad for a misbehaving child is a cop out .

Ha, I wish I could say this to my dh's ds "dont care if were friends or if he likes me. I told him if i say somthing thats the way it is to stop trying to cause trouble and fights between me and his mom." In my case, my dh gets so angry if I take a deep breath when ss is around me. He babies his ds to no end. We are in the process of separating now, I will be leaving on January 6th and going across the country.

My ss is 47 years old. Listen to the other poster's and move on. I am living proof that after being with dh 26 years that his little golden shit's personality does not improve. My ss thinks my dh has a womb and is trying to crawl into it and is constantly trying to spend time with dh on a daily basis. I swear he is checking my dh to see where the umbilical is attached to him.

It will get a lot worse, I guarantee it.