Can I be a parent to a less than normal child to save my marriage?
I just signed up for this site because I am about to lose my marriage and I would do just about anything to save it. My husband is the man of my dreams... my soulmate... it was practically love at first sight. But his 10 year old daughter... different story. We have been together for 7 years. I've known her since she was 3, however I didn't start really taking care of her and acting as stepmom until she was about 5. BM is bipolar and struggles w/ depression. I feel SD has inherited some of this from her. She is not a normal kid by any means. When she was little her problems seemed pretty normal, but as she has gotten older, they have gotten to be past the point of normal. She never smiles, always seems depressed, has no self-esteem and will do anything to make another kid like her. She can't follow simple direction and is the laziest person I've ever met, child or adult. I have struggled to love this kid for a long time. I always felt so evil for that. I thought I would grow to love her too because I loved him so much. But I just haven't. I never really saw myself as a parent, never really wanted kids, but was willing so that I could have DH. It became so much for me that I have moved out of the house and am risking losing him. I don't know if I can be a parent. How do I figure that out?? Any advice at all would be helpful and most appreciated!
Thanks in advance!
~Shana
I think you've already
I think you've already figured out what you need to do. You left. How do you feel now that you are out of the situation? Its been 7 years and there hasn't been a change at all?
You are describing a normal
You are describing a normal kid.
"She never smiles, always seems depressed, has no self-esteem and will do anything to make another kid like her. She can't follow simple direction and is the laziest person I've ever met".
If you substitute sullen for "depressed" you just described my SS from age ~10 to 17. You are describing a large percentage of teens for that matter.
As for leaving. You left, even if you go back it will never be the same or as good as it was.
How can your DH trust you after you bailed on him?
Best regards.
Wow... guess I was right. I
Wow... guess I was right. I am an evil, horrible person. The depression has been since she was about 7, so it's not a "normal teenage thing" as someone described. Guess everyone would be on my husband's side... I should just walk away and lose my soulmate forever. I was hoping to find some people in similar situations, and not be bashed, but I guess that's not possible here.
i don't get where anyone
i don't get where anyone bashed you? i think storiesbysteve is onto something.
My questions: is the child
My questions: is the child receiving any medical attention? Is she getting counselling? Are you receiving support on how to parent a child with possible mental health issues?
I've got mental health issues of my own - one reason I have not had children is I would not want to inflict this kind of genes on a child, much less have them experience a mother with depression/anxiety while growing up.
Now it looks like I will be a SM to two girls on a week about basis in the next couple of years, so when my SO and I end up living in the same house, I am going to have to be constantly mindful of my impact on them. The fact their mother is as crazy as a bag of cats means that despite my mood issues, I am going to have to represent the stable feminine influence in their life.
How can I do this? I medicate, I have had therapy, I practice mindfulness, I have learned to think first and act second. I am willing to take parenting classes, go to family therapy, whatever it takes to make our household functional. Fortunately SO and I have talked this stuff through BECAUSE he knows I come with the baggage of a history of mental health problems.
He already is the disciplining parent, and the one who sets routine (as I mentioned mother is as crazy as a bag of cats), and I have no doubt he will continue on this line, and I will not be shifting in unless I see this as done!
If a child has any sort of need out of the ordinary, then get help, don't sit there feeling helpless. Its OK to need specialist input, because kids don't come with an instruction manual, and when there are mental health issues, then the standard operating proceedure won't always work.
i would love to read more
i would love to read more from you on this
From your reaction to slight
From your reaction to slight criticism I think you have your own emotional problems too.
I would seek help for this child through counselling or other means if you think she is seriously unhappy, organise it, go with her, and talk to her about how she is feeling, it may give you some way to connect to her which might reduce the problems your having at the moment.