Can’t he just say No?

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Starting to get really irritated, why can’t my H say No to BM? I feel like she controls our weekends!! She is constantly switching weekends around. BM always manipulates H with the kids, she will say well they want to see you or if he attempts to say no (only because we made plans, which we rarely do) she will manipulate and tell them Dad has plans so you can’t go then she asks what are you doing? Or has the oldest call and ask. It’s really getting old. If they just stuck to the visitation schedule and if she supported it she would not even allow it to be a choice with the kids, right?? Mind you they communicate through a court ordered site due to her continuous texts & calls thy didn’t pertain to the kids at all!!! BM can’t stand the idea of him being remarried!! Please help, my H and I never argue and this is the only thing I bicker or stand my ground on and I feel like I have no support!! I understand the kids come first, I’m good with that as I have the rest of my life with my H and kids grow up to fast and you can’t get that time back. This BM is out to sabotage us, let’s just say she before court communication site she even texted 100+ times on our wedding day, saying she loves him, wants family back together and proceeded to say so does the kids! 3skids 2 girls (16 & 13) &1 boy (10) help please!!

Kids don't come first. His

Kids don't come first. His marriage comes first. He is responsible to the kids, but he should prioritize your wants over theirs.

You are right that BM is trying to sabotage and keep his attention on her and the kids. He needs to stick to the schedule with the occasional switch for a very good reason (a family party, etc).

But be advised - if he sets limits on her, she may start trying to withhold the kids, which is a whole different ball of wax to deal with.

That’s exactly what happens

That’s exactly what happens when he tries to say stick to the schedule. She then starts saying “kids don’t want to go” when in fact they do! We’ve had to reinforce the issue by having our attorney get in touch with hers, it’s costly! She isn’t supposed to enroll the kids in extra curricular (non school sports) on his time, and she does even after the attorneys have said not to!! She literally plans our weekends, such as, the youngest wants to go here or there this weekend, or says the kids think they are going to this place. She puts it in their heads and we don’t stand a chance! I don’t want to be hateful, however.... it’s getting really old!!

It's all about power and

It's all about power and control. BM here did that stuff until SS was finally alienated and then she went quiet for a few years. Bliss.

Then SS returned to our lives but is over 18, so no custody orders - and now she does all of this stuff in regard to money. They don't like not having control over their property, er, I mean their ex and kids.

OMG right!!! It's so hard for

OMG right!!! It's so hard for me to even want my DH's kids around b/c when they are NOT around there is NO drama ever and it's so nice. Things have died down so much since SD11 stopped spending the night at our house.......the couple of times she has gone on vacation with us where she had to sleep where we slept in a hotel.......BM caused a royal battle and just nonsense drama and problems.

BM here literally cannot stand not having control. My saving grace is that once DH and I had a baby of our own....she backed way off and I know for sure she felt a little less in control b/c she could no longer spend her days hanging her two kids over DH's head. She still does it.....but probably 50 percent less than she did before we had a child. But on the flip side, she doesn't freak the F out on DH anymore.....she now does it to her 2 children and takes everything out on them. Lovely

A HCBM that doesn't want to

A HCBM that doesn't want to follow the CO. You have a DH problem. BM cannot dictate what happens in your home and what your DH does on his time with his kids. The BM is manipulating your DH and then when she doesn't get her way she then uses PAS on the kids. BM isn't scared of CO's, lawyers, etc. so you definitely isn't scared of your DH however your DH can tell her that he is not going to tolerate her crap and let her go ahead and try to withhold the kids or try to make your DH look bad. It is BM's responsibility to have the kid's ready when your DH picks them up for his courted appointed visitation and if you doesn't then he can slap her with a contempt charge. You and your DH have to take control and not let BM dictate your lives or your time anymore. Only then will you be able to get your sanity back.

A HCBM that doesn't want to

A HCBM that doesn't want to follow the CO. You have a DH problem. BM cannot dictate what happens in your home and what your DH does on his time with his kids. The BM is manipulation your DH and then when she doesn't get her way she then uses PAS on the kids. BM isn't scared of CO's, lawyers, etc. so you definitely isn't scared of your DH however your DH can tell her that he is not going to tolerate her crap and let her go ahead and try to withhold the kids or try to make your DH look bad. It is BM's responsibility to have the kid's ready when your DH picks them up for his courted appointed visitation and if you doesn't then he can slap her with a contempt charge. You and your DH have to take control and not let BM dictate your lives or your time anymore. Only then will you be able to get your sanity back.

A HCBM that doesn't want to

He's not putting his kids

He's not putting his kids first, he's putting his ex first and that is not acceptable. BM shouldn't be dictating ANYTHING that goes on in your home. You have a court order for a reason - every time he goes to pick up the kids and they are not there or not ready, she is in contempt. Your DH needs to grow a pair and enforce the CO. Now I know when the kids get older it does get more difficult because they tend to plan their own things on weekends and have activities, sports, etc. It's not as easy as just dropping off and picking up a 2 year old. But he can't let BM continue to run his household.

Sounds as if you need to

Sounds as if you need to squeeze the vice around your husband as tight as BM does.

When you make plans for a skid weekend with him, repeat before ending the discussion, "And no matter what BM pulls, we're doing this, right? If I buy these tickets to do this, we're standing our ground, right?"

It's not so much that this will prevent BM's last minute changes. But he needs to know that your new expectation is that plans will not be changed to accommodate BM. He can handle it with BM via the site and he doesn't even have to talk to her. Right now, it sounds as if you make plans and he caves as soon as BM requests a change. Make it harder for your husband to cave to her by letting him know he's obliged to you and there will be trouble with you if he gives in to her.

The rest of it is his problem, isn't it?

Sometimes you're their partner and you just support them. Sometimes you have to support yourself first and let him figure out how to handle his baggage. You can't sacrifice what you need to make it easier for him to accommodate his ex.

Sounds as if you need to

Sounds as if you need to squeeze the vice around your husband as tight as BM does.

It's not so much that this will prevent BM's last minute changes. But he needs to know that your new expectation is that plans will not be changed to accommodate BM. He can handle it with BM via the site and he doesn't even have to talk to her, but he does have to start to say no. Right now, it sounds as if you make plans and he caves as soon as BM requests a change. Make it harder for your husband to cave to her by letting him know he's obliged to you and there will be trouble with you if he gives in to her.

And if someone says "the kids don't want to," it doesn't matter. A court order is a court order and even the kids must follow it. Kids don't want to do a lot of stuff BM tells them to do, but I bet they do it.

The rest of it is his problem, isn't it?

ah yes, I deal with this

ah yes, I deal with this often. There is a very very detailed court order designed by BM that has never once followed other than every other weeknd....EVER. She pretty much dictates and usually has something planned for the younger one on all my DH's weekends......it's honestly all just a huge pain in the butt and rarely even enjoyable. How do you even enjoy the kids or plan anything when BM is always in the mix and changing plans.

This will probably never change for you or for me. I just started ignorning it and not let it bother me, it is hard to do, though. I no longer make plans when his kids are at the house.....b/c honestly I always end up angry b/c BM figures out a way to put a damper on it.

We have a family vacation coming up next week......to date any vacation or weekend getaway or even a day trip....BM has figured out a way to cause me to have to alter my plans or cause stress before,during and after.....I have already told myself that if there is ONE change or ONE ounce of drama....before during or after this vacation....this is the LAST vacation we will ever take as a family until all of the kids are 18 (so 6 years) and from now on vacations will be me and my own kids..DH is welcome to join....or me, DH and our toddler. If he wants to take his own kids....go for it but I will be done.

My own kids switch b/t me and their father every sunday so there is never any questions about the schedule.

I feel for you. My DH was

I feel for you. My DH was like this in the beginning. It was rough.

Thanks, it’s really hard. But

Thanks, it’s really hard. But after a good talk I think we made some progress on it. Keeping fingers crossed!

If your DH won't put his foot

If your DH won't put his foot up BM's ass this will never stop. He needs to immediately refuse any changes to the visitation schedule. BM abides by it.... or he slaps her with a contempt motion. His automatic answer to any attempt by BM to change the the schedule has to be no.

Period.

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Can’t he just say No?