Brand New - Need advice on giving up on all this.
I hate being a step parent. I can't stand my SS11 or his lazy mother. My husband and SS's BM don't bother parenting him, they simply leave it to me. When I met my husband he wasn't even raising his son, his parents were. As soon as we married they moved across the country, so his primary care went from his grandparents to me.
Things they don't do:
1. Make sure he brushes his teeth
2. Ensure that he has clean clothes
3. Make him eat healthfully
4. Control his video game use
5. Talk to him about his day, both of them just leave him to his own devices
6. Correct him when he's rude
7. Change his sheets and taken care of his needs
These are basic things, y'all, and neither one of them do them. I mean, he will come to our house after spending three days with her and he hasn't brushed his teeth or changed his underwear.
The stress of having to parent him is wearing on our marriage. I resent the fact that I have to do everything and he doesn't actually parent his son. His kids a back talking brat that talks like a baby, and no one cares. He is very sneaky, lies all the time, and bitches about everything. Neither of his parents curb this behavior or try to teach him better behaviors.
I am at my wits end. I've talked to my husband about this MANY times. Probably once a month for the past five years. Nothing changes, they still expect me to do everything and see nothing wrong with their parenting of him.
I am to the point that I am considering divorce, even though I love my husband and we are very happy when SS is not over.
Any advice on how to fix this? Where do I go from here?
Some people should just never
Some people should just never reproduce. I feel for you, and for that child.
It's very strange, because my
It's very strange, because my husband is a wonderful and involved father to our two year old. He loves her and is very attentive to her. It's like he doesn't FEEL responsible for his son, like that's someone elses job and not his.
Maybe he doesn't like his
Maybe he doesn't like his son, perhaps he reminds him too much of BM. Sadly not all parents like all of their kids. It sounds like the kid may have been better off living w/the grandparents rather than a father who resents him. And it was someone else's job to be responsible for ss, his parents job. Parenting a bratty tween is a lot of work, too bad no one really cares about this kid.
It sounds like your problem
It sounds like your problem is that your husband won't do what you think should be done. Your solution so far has been to do it yourself. But you resent that solution, so you also talk to your husband about it often, to no avail.
Your post is asking for a different solution. But actually, you need to define your problem better.
1. You find it stressful to see a child going without the minimum care and guidance they need.
2. Those stressful feelings are what you are trying to 'solve.'
3. They can't be solved. You CAN learn to tolerate them, by defining appropriate boundaries.
4. You cannot control what another person does. Your husband may sometimes act in a way you like, but that's his choice. Not yours.
Unfortunately, taking care of you in this situation is going to leave your SS out in the cold. And that is very hard to live with. But he has two parents who both have the opportunity to care for him and help him and teach him. If they choose not to, it is not your job to rescue him, or them, from himself/themselves. It really isn't.
Take care of yourself. I wish you courage, because this is going to be hard.
Wow! Yes, you really hit the
Wow! Yes, you really hit the nail on the head.
I have a very hard time seeing this go down and NOT acting. I know that SS11 is the one that will really suffer for this, but its SO HARD on me to do this. I don't even like the kid, but I care for him because it's the right thing to do.
You can do this. I went
You can do this.
I went through similar things with my SDs.
Neither DH, or BM, taught them seemingly basic standards of hygiene, restaurant manners (or basically acting like humans in public), how to clean anything at all. Along with pretty much a total lack of monitored time (some is good but not from wake up to who-knows-when-bedtime-is) and little interaction other than getting irritated when it got too loud...and don't get me going on the destruction of the house and furniture...
I stopped. Just stopped. If the SDs don't have clean underwear or don't even wear any and BM or DH don't care why should I? If they don't care if the skids brush their teeth and DH gets irritated with me for trying to get a routine for that going, then good - let their teeth rot (and it's happening).
Find what you can / cannot live with.
I could live with the SDs not caring about underwear but they needed coats that fit (to a point, I've since stopped buying clothing or shoes because I was the only one doing so) or raincoats.
I could live with the SDs rooms being a mess but not with rotting food in them.
I could live the the SDs being loud in outdoor public areas but not in restaurants (so I stopped going with them).
...and so on.
I hated not acting, and I still fight it, but there's only so much you can do.
Each skid is different too. SD11 thrives with rules and tasks and likes to be clean and neat. SD13 the opposite. I'm therefore more engaged with SD11 than SD13 at this point.
EDIT to ADD: I don't capitulate on talking back to me, lying or being rude. The SDs know this. And they cannot believe I know when they are lying (although SD11 is getting better at it - I'm getting better at catching her...but usually it's in a certain circumstance rather than in general). If someone is rude, I stop helping with anything for that person. OR straight up tell them it's rude and if they keep it up x, y or z. DH now gets the brunt of this because he doesn't set limits.
I really feel for this boy.
I really feel for this boy. And you. He's acting exactly as expected given his environment. Have you all tried family counseling? What is this kid good at? I might start there. The most striking thing to me is that this boy doesn't seem to care about anything, and I can't blame given his parents' lack of concern for his well being. Does he visit grandparents often? What was he like when they were his primary caregivers?
His grandparents moved across
His grandparents moved across the country, so he hasn't seen them since they left. They went from living with him to pretty much cutting him out of there life
SS11's mother does take him to counseling, or at least she used to. I insisted upon it. She hasn't taken him in the last month or so.
When he lived with his grandparents his needs were met and he was cared for, but he was treated like he was many years younger than he is. They let him behave like he was four when he was six, so the adjustment to having me as his primary caregiver has been rough.
You can't care for the child
You can't care for the child more than his own parents do, sad but true.
Maybe DH feels like he doesn't have to do anything for his child because he has you there doing it for him. You also knew when you met DH he wasn't taking care of his kids that his parents were and now you are surprised he doesn't take care of his kid, seems like a delayed reaction especially since you thought he was great enough to have a child with yourself.
If you step back a little
If you step back a little maybe your DH will step up. He won't constantly see his son need something and just not do it, especially if there is another child in the house he seems to care for a little better.
Welcome - I like your name
Welcome - I like your name
Now disengage from SS... simply stop doing and DH will have to step up.... learn to tell SS - ask your Dad...
and tell DH - I'm not his parent why should I be doing things for a kid that his own parents refuse to do...
read the link below and live by it
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
the bottom line is that the
the bottom line is that the boys is not your child. he is his fathers responsibility.
there is something here you will read called disengagement. this means you back off all the way and let the birth parent do the work.
step parents often try to parent in a positive way. we want to help and have children grow to healthy adults but birth parents guilt, stupidity, etc. get in the way.
back off all the way. disengage. the child is not yours and his success or failute is his parents responsibility.
To update y'all, I've been
To update y'all, I've been working on the "disengagement" thing. I read the article someone above posted (thanks!) and it really helped.
It is NOT easy, but I'm trying. The only thing I put my foot down about is when he is rude/ugly to me toddler. She adores her brother, and he looks at her with disdain and ignores here. That, I will not allow. I have taken a step back in every other aspect and it seems to be going well. My husband actually thanked me and told me he could tell, he said he appreciated that I was letting him parent.
The kid is being a dick since he realized I'm not going to call him on it anymore, but at least I'm less stressed.
disengagement does not happen
disengagement does not happen over night..... it took me 6 months before it started working....
SO still does not get it, he still tries to get me to do things for Aergia, I still smile and say... Oh can't now, I'm busy..... it gets better and better with years..
I am proud to say that I put
I am proud to say that I put my foot down to BM. She has been dumping SS on us anytime she doesn't want to parent, and I was at my wits end. She was only having him at her house for 2-3 days a week. Heck, we went TWO WHOLE WEEKS having him non stop. Because parenting is tough, y'all! I sent her a text and said specifically the days we will keep him and we will NOT be changing the schedule. We will no longer keep him so she can go on vacation, either. Those days are done. If her kid was less horrible maybe I wouldn't mind so much, but he is.
I would also like to say, I'm a teacher for a living. I teach 65 kids that are the same age as SS. You know what? Most of them don't bother me at all. Most of my students are sweet and hard working kids, that I like spending time with and would be there step parent in a heartbeat.
It really stinks that the one that I actually have to have in my home is such a cretin.