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BM's talk with SD about sex

Smomof3's picture

Let me begin with BM is currently in a long term lesbian relationship, but sees herself as bisexual. We're ok with this, the kids are ok with this, she is the one who has issues with it. It's really a weird sitution. BM approaches me and says that she talked to SD then 14 about two of her friends, both girls who had sex together. She explained to SD that this is perfectly natural and that some girls do this as a way to preserve their virginity and avoid STDs. In lieu of pointing out all of the flaws in this theory I just shook my head and put SD in the car

DH and I explained to SD that same sex is not typically normal and is not a way to avoid STDs. Abstenance and safe sex are how you avoid STDs and while some kids do experiement with gay or lesbian sex it's not for everyone and can make things very confusing. Sex isn't something you experiment with but something you share with someone you care about. We also explained that we knew she'd make her own sexual choices and that we were confident that when the time comes, she would do it wisely.

Fastforward to now and SD is almost 16 and BM is obsessed with SD's potential sex life. She has literally said "You have to tell me the minute you begin having sex so we can discuss it. I'm your mom I have a right to know." Really?

We told her if she isn't responsible enough to prevent pregnancy/STDs and can't support a life that she may create, she has no business having sex. We also said we were young and made choices that we now regret and we hope she wsits until she's older. She thanked us for being so down to earth about it and telling her that we felt that her choice to have consentual sex is a private decision. If she chooses to talk to us about it great, if not that's ok too.

BM is chomping at the bit to get this kid laid....what is her issue?

Willow2010's picture

DH and I explained to SD that same sex is not typically normal and is not a way to avoid STDs. Abstenance and safe sex are how you avoid STDs
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That was perfect!

I really can't imagine why your BM is like that. Weird. But she sounds like a fruit loop.

Smomof3's picture

She is a fruit loop. She's spent her whole life messed up on drugs and whatever else denying her sexuality and lying to everyone in her life. She's a nut job.

ocs's picture

Let's stay away from the notion of not normal. This is what leads kids to deny or otherwise be ashamed of their sexuality. Heterosexual sex vs gay sex, sure- normal vs. not normal, not a good description.

Now the notion to use same sex as preserving virginity made me spit coffee through my nose!

Your convo with her
""We told her if she isn't responsible enough to prevent pregnancy/STDs and can't support a life that she may create, she has no business having sex. We also said we were young and made choices that we now regret and we hope she wsits until she's older. She thanked us for being so down to earth about it and telling her that we felt that her choice to have consentual sex is a private decision. If she chooses to talk to us about it great, if not that's ok too.""

was dead on.

Smomof3's picture

We discuss sexuality frequently due to her Mom's flipflopping from men to women. Believe me our kids know we could care less who they have sex with...guess it would sound bad to someone who isn't used to us. Normal wasn't the term we were looking for I guess, maybe not common.

RedWingsFan's picture

I think the conversation you had with her regarding preventing pregnancy/STDs was spot on. Whether sex in any fashion is "normal" or not is plainly subjective and what is considered normal to one person could be completely abnormal to another.

Either way, I don't know why BM is so excited to have her daughter grow up and have sex so badly. Wonder if BM lost her virginity at a young age? Maybe she's trying to be the "cool" mom by telling her kid that she's ok with her having sex now? Who knows.

All you can do is continue educating SD about facts of teen sex and hope she holds off until she's really ready and is completely safe when she does do it.

Good luck. Weird indeed.

Willow2010's picture

Let's stay away from the notion of not normal. This is what leads kids to deny or otherwise be ashamed of their sexuality. Heterosexual sex vs gay sex, sure- normal vs. not normal, not a good description.
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I disagree with this. If her dad thinks that is the best way to describe it...then more power to him. There is nothing wrong with his way of thinking. If that is how he wants to raise his kid, that is how he does it.

Also..only about 4% of the population is gay. So that would make heterosexual the norm. IMHO.

ocs's picture

The norm, yes.

Normal- wrong description. As the OP says- 'maybe not common' - great description.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with his way of thinking, only the semantics could be misconstrued.

Let's not hijack the thread.

I think her BM is batsh!t for concerning herself so much with the child's sexuality. it's unhealthy.

I'm not familiar with the American school system- do you teach sex ed?

Smomof3's picture

Sex education is part of health class, but we are super open about sex in our home.

Willow2010's picture

The norm, yes.

Normal- wrong description
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And I disagree. But as you said. We should not hijack the thread.

Smomof3's picture

I agree with you whole heartedly. I've been a party girl...I've woke up with a stranger, I've waited for the call that never came...I explained that I didn't respect myself at one point and made alot fo mistakes. I think she appreciated that.

ocs's picture

That took a lot of courage, to admit to a kid, much less a skid, about your past.

My DH's kid SD13, on the other hand, thinks that having random babies with 'boyfriends' and collecting CS is completely normal behaviour.

Her mother has no self respect and is a sociopath. The kid is attention seeking and clingy. Pregnant by 16- would bet on it.

christinen's picture

I would put SD on birth control ASAP!! I think you handled the situation perfectly. BM sounds like a nutjob.

Smomof3's picture

Our BM has lied her whole life about her sexuality, drug use, money, lie, lie, lie...it's all she can do. She thrives on other peoples drama because that way she doesn't have to focus on herself. She's a piece of work.