BM in my house?!
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Has anyone else arrived home to find the BM picking up SK -- inside your home?
BM also recently came in, while I was in my own bed, to put SK9 to bed. (She asked and DH said OK.)
My DH spoke to her about coming in when we're not there, and I ended up looking like the bad guy.
I actually like her and all, but this is my house -- DH and I bought it after we got married. She also has made snarky comments about it not being clean. (Sorry, I work and do my best -- but get very little help from anyone else and have the kids most days.)
Am I overreacting? Has this happened to anyone else?
I had an incident once where
I had an incident once where I came home from work and BM was in the driveway loading her car up with the kids and overnight bags. (Oh, and blankets because she didn't have any for the kdis at her house) All this was going on and she never called to tell us her plans. DH wasn't home from work yet and didn't know what was going on. It took all my self-control to not knock her out.
Under NO uncertain terms
Is BM permitted in our home! Nver, ever, ever!!!
She used to break in to DH's house back when we were dating (she snooped & stole various items, so I planted some underwear here & there - Yes, they were clean! }:) ) - there's no way I would/could tolerate her being in my house now. She does not even grace our door step. She calls SD on her cell when she's in front of the house (can you believe she gace the kid a cell phone at 6yrs??), and SD starts running around like that ol' chicken with it's head cut off, getting her stuff together quickly, so her mother doesn't have to wait. poor kid...
I would have hit the roof if
I would have hit the roof if DH okayed BM coming in my house to tuck her 9 YR OLD SON into bed! This would never happen, I don't care if he was 1 yr old! No way!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
NO WAY!!!!
BM would never come in our house she has once just to show us how to give the kids there treatments but that was once and never again that is too much!
we've had to set specific boundaries
DH had to spell out boundaries to BM who was genuinely "shocked that I can't come into the home where MY daughters live!" Whatever. She pouted after the confrontation but its blown over.
She's allowed to come into the entry way and if it's really cold, she can come into the front room. I think that's reasonable. But she cannot, although she'd like do, parade around our home, peek into my bedroom, caution MY children to be careful on their bunkbed, give unsolicated advice about how to better care for our pets.....
So now, she just calls the kids from her car, where she can get out, fuss over them and try to interact with our neighbors. It's no better, but its outside my home.
BOUNDARIES!!!
Here we go again...
Oh, Austen, I am so sorry this has happened to you. Here is where the problem lies...with your DH. And I'll tell you why:
*"She asked and DH said OK"
*"My DH spoke to her about coming in when we're not there, and I ended up looking like the bad guy"
Now do you see where the problem is? This will continue unless YOU put your foot down with both of them. Your DH needs to know that this is YOUR HOME (his and yours)- not hers. And she has NO PLACE in it. Period.
Perhaps he's clueless. It's time to give him a clue.
And you can certinaly do it without being mean or disrespectful to BM.
HOWEVER...her snide comments about the state of YOUR HOME leads me to believe you're giving her WAY more credit than she deserves in being nice to her.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
AAARRRRGGGHHH! Absolutely positively she will never step foot
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
in MY home. And I don't even dislike her. But she is not my friend. She is not my relative. She is no longer H's relative, nor is she H's friend. Therefore, she has no business being in my home. Period.
Give an inch ...
I knew I wasn't crazy feeling that she shouldn't be in my house -- or that she'd been inside many, many times without my knowledge.
I guess when DH let her in to tuck in SK, she took that as carte blanche to go through my home when I'm not there. I did hit the roof when this happened -- Imagine being in bed, reading and nodding off, and hearing ... BM's voice in your house! It's enough to have nightmares for a week.
I spoke with DH about that, but he still doesn't get the problem with her tucking in the kid, just that once. 5teens, you're right, I have to talk to DH and make sure this doesn't happen again.
The BM and I have this kind of up and down relationship -- very superficial on my part. I'm nice to her face, but I think she doesn't pay enough attention to the kids when she has them, is more than happy for us to have them most of the time, and doesn't use child support at all for the kids. That's most of us, though, right?
Poor SKs are in the middle now -- they have to watch for her and get ready really quickly when she arrives. I think she told them she's not allowed in the house!
My mom says that's kind of harsh when it's cold outside -- I say that hey, her car has a heater!
Thanks to everyone for your thoughts. They helped immeasurably.
I agree with you!
Bm has no business in your house. A womans home should be her sanctuary. It OUR private, comfortable place. No way should it be invaded by BM.
My DH and I had this argument early on and it still comes up once in a while...but I wont budge. I dont think that men see it the same way or they dont understand how woman work. She is breaching the boundaries and he doesnt get it.
Stand strong - and good luck.
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
Yes
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"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
NOPE.
BM should be allowed into your house without supervision of an adult. Point Blank. Anything other than that is a violation of boundries. She's trying to weazel her way into a place that is only going to promote bad things here.
Oh HELL no!
DH actually called me to run home from work a month or so ago because he called SD and BM answered her phone. He told me if she was there, call the police and have her arrested. We have made it clear to the kids and her that NO ONE is allowed at our house when we are not there, and under no certain terms is BM allowed to get out of her car at our house.
BM was gone when I got there, but I yelled at SD for an hour until DH got home and he took over. SD was trying to play DH and BM against each other to get her way and all it got her was grounded at our house.
As a side note, install a security camera in your house. You can have her arrested for trespassing on your property if she is not invited by you or your husband to come inside. We have one, and BM knows it.
I would not allow that, and
I would not allow that, and your husband needs to understand that it isn't respectful of your own personal space and he needs to draw the line. In my FH's custody agreement it states that neither parent can enter the other ones home without being invited.
I would have hit the F*in Roof
No way in hell should you be letting the ex come into your ...thats right YOUR home to take over duties that are yours....if she is coming and going in your home as she pleases you might as well make up a spare room for her cause she'd probally accept it. I feel for you, the second BM walks in the door to pick up SS I feel like going into defense mode and my hair stand up on ends... I hope that you can create some boundries immediately before you are writting on here about how trampled over you feel. Good Luck.