BM is an idiot! trying to get SD back to normal after a Death.
My SD7's uncle (BM brother) died two weeks ago. SD is with us for weekly visitation. BM has been allowing SD to sleep with her and SF every night since uncle died. SD is sleeping in her own bed at our house. 1st night here she said she didn't like sleeping alone so we tucked her in and gave her a doll to lay with (she was content). BM called last night to tell SD how much she misses her and says she wants to come visit her. SD immediately starts crying and saying she misses mom (she was happy and having a blast here before BM called).
BM on the phone says "I miss you and want to see you but your dad won't let me come over, I can even watch you so you don't have to go to summer camp tomorrow" (SD has been going to camp on our weeks and likes it...but tells BM she hates it) WTF!! well DH misses his daughter too 50% of the time but NEVER would tell SD he's gonna visit at BMs on her time.
DH made it clear to SD that BM will not be watching her on his time and she has to go to camp today. At camp drop off SD starts crying "I miss my uncle" trying to get out of camp!
I can tell she's starting to use "missing her uncle" to manipulate (sleeping in moms bed, not doing chores, not eating vegetables).Then DH brings this up and BM says "well she needs XYZ, she's sad"....umm no BM you are trying to keep her sad so she cries and says she misses you.
SD knows she can call mom anytime, but never asks to, and never says she misses mom at our house. It's only when BM initiates this behavior!
We are just trying to get SD back to a normal routine.
My DD13 lost her grandfather
My DD13 lost her grandfather (my dad) a week before her birthday last year. She was devastated and took it very hard. She would cry at school and mope around the house. She also had a difficult time getting anything done. She was depressed and would often blurt out "grandpa!" and start crying. She was even sending text messages to his phone.
We ended up putting her in counselling to move through the grief.
My two sons did not take it as hard as she did. Heck, she took it harder than I did.
Everyone grieves differently. Don't assume it's a manipulation.
Like a captains log, you'll
Like a captains log, you'll find it only takes a minute maybe two to recap the days events.
If you and husband don't allow her to profit from her bouts of grief then she'll soon quit. Daddy can tell her straight forward the acceptable demonstrations of grief and when she feels sad she can come to him for hugs and cuddles. But meanwhile "you're eating your xxxxx's, going to camp and bed on time. Period.
I would try to amend your CO
I would try to amend your CO to say that she isn't to phone during your time. Of course if your SD asks to phone her mom then she could, but it sounds very upsetting to the child and your home and the whole flow of the visit when her BM is doing this.