Stepping out of it
OK, maybe I'm a bit more like the "Dutch Uncle" to her kids and this concerns her. Today, she asked me to "please PLEASE PLEASE just don't say that stuff anymore" when her daughter pops off. She says she has her way of handling it, and she needs my support, not so much added commentary.
SD13 has been increasingly more of a snarky handful, acting spoiled and entitled for a while now. The past week or so, she's been dictating how her birthday will go, even citing her stepmom (seems like a princess) had a comment that your birthday MONTH should be a MONTH LONG celebration. She said this several different times now, and I cringed and bit my tongue each time because it reminded me a lot of my 2nd XW, who LOVED to be the princess. Last night, I mentioned to DW that this is a slippery slope (SS14 was within earshot, my mistake) to let her daughter dictate the terms.
What's happening is that her dad has their kids on her birthday (she'll be turning 13), so SD chose to celebrate her BDay the weekend BEFORE her BDay. Normally not a problem, but she wants to have a friend spend the night. But DW's sister, BIL, and niece will also be spending the night that weekend, and the logistics will be a BIG PITA, so DW asked her if she'd be willing to postpone it. SD said, "Mommy, NO. It's MY birthday weekend, and I get to choose." DW capitulated.
I was thinking, "Uhh, kid, it's your mom's and my house. We have other things going on, and you're being inflexible. Besides, your mom and you didn't even run your sleepover by me ahead of time, which is against my rules. Your mom knows this, which is why she was trying to steer you to the weekend AFTER your BDay, when I'd be out of town on a business trip. By your insistence, you're causing your mom and me some troubles."
So I'll be disengaging, probably gonna get a hotel room or something. Forget this...
Hotel sounds like the perfect
Hotel sounds like the perfect fix!
Being on this site has given
Being on this site has given me so much empathy for stepdads who are marginalized in their own homes. These men usually contribute more financially, but often are given no voice in the household. And that stinks.
Your SD sounds horrible, btw. Her mother is doing SD no favor by tolerating that nonsense.
"No, it isn't your birthday
"No, it isn't your birthday weekend. It is the weekend before your birthday weekend. And... you have a birthDAY not a birthWEEKEND or birthWEEK. So, keep being lippy and you won't have a birthANYTHING celebration. Do you have anything else you want to lip off about?"
This kid would suffer in my home pulling this kind of crap. Your DW needs to develop some testicular fortitude and adult up.
It sounds to me that you have a prime opportunity to have the "If you don't like how I parent and discipline then you can step up and get it done befor I have to" discussion with your bride. As equity life partners you are also equity parents to any spawn in your home. Your DW needs absolute clarity on this fact. As her husband YOU and YOU alone set the standard for how anyone including her toxic crotch nugget will speak to your bride. Stake that peak and defend that ground and your bride. Even against a snarky entitled teen. Especially against a snarky entitled teen.
I would.
I totally agree with you. She
I totally agree with you. She thinks I'm hard-core, and thinks her dad was hard-core as well... "I get it, your military background blah blah blah..." No, hon... I was raised from early childhood to respect other people, especially adults, and I NEVER dreamed of interrupting or being a nuicance, NEVER took stuff that wasn't mine withough getting approval from the owner, NEVER *told* the folks I was having a sleepover, and so on.
DW's brother came here for vacation from Tennessee and he told me I'm right and need to persist, said their dad was firm but fair. DW was the rebel, the one who needed a switch to the tail a few times - said she wasn't BAD, just didn't want to comply with thehouse rules. It seems she doesn't want her kids to feel "Lorded over" - so she's a permissive parent.
I'm working on it, but this is a slow process to get DW to see the pitfalls and errors of her own youth and see how NOT being a PARENT will cause problems. DW won't read The Entitlement Cure, surely because it's something she doesn't want to consider that she's doing it wrong. IOW, since her dad and her had such a rocky relationship (she even told him she wished he was dead once), I think she wants to not have that, so she's all nicey-givey with her kids.