BM finally apologized, with an ulterior motive . . .
It has been over 4 long years that I have been tormented by BM, too many things to list. She has been jealous from the start. I have tried and tried to meet with her thinking that if we met, she would see that we are both just normal mom's with similar concerns. She has always been rude while declining to meet with me. I am a BM and a SM and I have met with the SM of my kids. It helped me see that my kids SM is not against me but actually on the same side as me. I thought this would help in my situation with the BM of my skids. Well over 4 longs years later, we met. She started out by apologizing for being so awful to me and then in the next breath thanked me for being so good to my skids. She said that the reason she hates me is because I am around her kids, yet she thanked me?!?? Believe me this apology was only a start to a long road of trying to get over all of the hurt and drama caused over the last 4 years. I asked that she give me the benefit of the doubt and let me figure out how to move forward. I also asked that she start to show us her normal side. My skids are great so I know that this BM can't be all bad, right? So giving her the benefit of the doubt, I asked her to start showing my DH and I her nice side so we could start to make a new opinion of her. Well exactly two days later, the requests for things to benefit her started coming in. I knew she was not sincere in her apology. She is still questioning her kids as to my whereabouts and everything. She must still be jealous. So now, I am the bad one again for not moving forward. How do I move forward with a fake apology? I have tried to just grim and bear it, but it has been too long and too much stuff has happened. Any advice on how to not look like the bad one and not be fake about it?
I dealt with a BM liked this.
I dealt with a BM liked this. Blocked her from calling or texting me, stopped seeing her (quit going to pick up/drop offs - BM lives 3 hours away so no chance to just run into her) & told DH I don't wanna hear about her.
Works pretty good for me.
We live in a small community.
We live in a small community. We have some of the same friends and see each other at all of the kids events. I tried blocking her, but she still finds a way to make things bad. I really want to get along for the kids sake, but wonder if she has already gone too far for me to forgive her. Sooner or later the kids will figure it all out, right?
Sooner or later kids will
Sooner or later kids will find out where babies come from & also have their first boyfriends/girlfriends & will 'understand' that you won't be bff's with your husband's ex. Even if you put on a front for them.
I wouldn't be rude, but I wouldn't be chit chatting or meeting up with her.
I will NEVER forgive BM for
I will NEVER forgive BM for some of the things she has done to me and her children and has said to and about me in the past. That being said...I try to compartmentalize my view of and dealings with her, in order to keep my sanity and on my fathers advice (he comes from a divorce and warned me not to ever be mean to or about her with the kids anywhere close, or where they could find out about it.
I have chosen to make her into 2 people: 1 is my mans ex...the bitch that told lies about me...tried to get her kids to hate bf and I...never pays for shit, is a selfish stupid idiot who I absolutely despise.
The other is the kids mom. Even when the kids bitch about her, I stress that moms aren't always perfect, but hopefully things will get better, she may be doing her best, etc. when they tell me about her latest breakup, I say that I'm sorry and hope she is doing ok about it. When they tell me about good times with her, or something she bought them, etc. I say yay and how great that they had quality time, or that she got them something they really like, etc. this is the one I try to see and deal with in public, I am polite, but not friendly (and honestly just try to avoid her at all costs) like you treat some other kids parent who can be annoying, but you have to be polite to.
I hate the ex, but hope the mom is ok...and generally wish her well, because the kids love her, and her being ok helps them to be happier, well adjusted kids. Even when one wanted to live full time with us, I stressed how important time with their mom was and that sometimes we get mad at family, but we don't just leave, or avoid them, we work it out.
I know it may seem a bit crazy, but this is how I keep my sanity, and so far has worked well...I also let my bf do all the communication, so I don't get dragged onto any texts, calls, etc. the few times she has tried to start some bs with me about us, or the kids, or whatever, I just say, ill have to ask him, or she'll have to take that up with him....not me.
Good luck
Going to have to try this! I
Going to have to try this! I have to see her all the time at kids events and stuff. My blended family is great and we are very close so I do attend most events if I can. If I make her into to different people I hope that will work. The problem is that she is so crazy that I have a hard time seeing any good in her at all. I know she must be good to the skids or they wouldn't be so great. It just that I never see that. All I see is psycho stuff and crazy stories. I am really going to try though for the sake of my skids. I love them and want them to have as normal life as they can in our blended family.
Great advice Purple hope and
Great advice Purple hope and beaccountable! I love making her into two different people. That is what I think I was trying to do by giving her the benefit of the doubt. After meeting with her, no I would not be friends with her. She is not someone that I could talk to. She has no morals and I cannot look her in the eyes. I also agree that privacy is key. One question I have is that I have blocked her on all social sites, but I am certain that she logs in as her kids and reads all of my stuff. Not that I have any bad stuff on there, it's just that she will see what I have been up to. I just want her to leave me alone and go on with her life. Things would be much easier if she would stop trying to control everyone.
I have all the kids also
I have all the kids also blocked from facebook and other social sites...and anyone who I think might be her spy (she threw a fit per text to my bf one time when I used the phrase "my 3 favorite guys" on a fb picture). If I'm not sure....I put people in an "iffy" category on fb and other social sites, so when I put anything up, it goes to everyone but that group. I'm also careful about fb and that stuff...my bf and I even use another name for her in text and when we discuss her, even when alone.
I feel bad blocking my skids.
I feel bad blocking my skids. I love sharing the photos we take. It helps me remember the good times we have. But I think you are right. I have to block them too. Ugh, I hate that she always wins.
She will always win part of
She will always win part of this, cause she's the mom. I'm a teacher, and I know from that...moms can be abusive, nonexistent, psychi, or mediocre, but they are always mom...and so very important to children, I also know that kids can learn to love you too. And it's not about who wins, it's about what's good for the kids, and you and your man. I recieved a card from future ss12 a few weeks ago....check my blog and I will put up what it said...it's proof that sometimes it's all worth it.
Proof that it's all worth it
Proof that it's all worth it sometimes.
I can't get it to post as blog...so I'll put it here.
Future ss 12 came in and handed me this card a few weeks ago...not valentines day, or some special day.
The outside says: Sometimes the best things in life aren't things.
The inside says: they're people like you. Thank you with all my heart.
He wrote: Dear (me), Thank you so much for coming into my life with love, hope, and joy. When you came I was scared at first but you were really nice so thank you. You changed my life and I hope I've changed yours. I Love you soooooo much!!! Thank you!
Signed : family forever (him)
He didn't want anything, and it wasn't a special day. While they were at the grocery store he just took off and showed up with the card...my bf didn't even look at it, or know who it was for until I opened it.
I cried...we hugged ...and he went back on his merry way.... It made my year and completely proved to me that all the effort and struggles to figure out our little family and make it work is all worth it....completely.
What an amazing kid and what a lucky lady I am.
You are right I need to stop
You are right I need to stop assuming and giving her the benefit of the doubt. I don't know why I always think that she can change. At this point I need to just accept her for what she is and try to move past it. It is just hard for someone to admit to all of the pain and drama they caused and they just expect me to forgive her and move on. Not sure how to do that. I guess I will keep on my "she does not exist path" and try to survive in this crazy BM world.