I am so sorry you are being treated like that. Have you talked to your DH and let him know how it makes you feel? He is putting her feelings before yours, and that's not ok. The kids are plenty old enough to be fine if BM has a little tantrum. Maybe you should just show up.

I wouldn't do all the shopping, cooking etc. Your DH needs to grow a pair and you need to go to the graduation. What do the skids want? If you're not welcome, then you sure as hell are not welcome to do all the damn work.

A husband should NEVER play the "hide the wife" bullshit just because his ex can't grow the fuck up and deal with you being with him and around their kids etc. You are being completely disrespected by the ONE person in this world that should have your back and be proud to have you by his side ANYWHERE & EVERYWHERE no matter WHO doesn't like it! If he is married to you then guess what? What BM wants is irrelevant! She is no longer his wife and he has NO OBLIGATION to do what she says and/or wants. Yes, he can respect her feelings in regards to the children, BUT she has NO RIGHT to dictate where YOU can and cannot be etc.

It is time for your DH to step up or fuck off! And you also need to stand up for yourself and tell him point blank that this treatment of you by him and him not standing up for you and your marriage etc. is WRONG and it will not continue! You DESERVE AND ARE OWED THAT MUCH!!!

We have an expression at our house that I like to pull out for situations like this:

"You have something very wrong with you if you would rather piss off the woman you have sex with than the woman you are no longer related to"

If your husband lost his balls in the divorce then I feel sorry for everyone in your family. Those kids are all adults. He no longer has to talk to her or have anything to do with her any longer. He can block her from his phone, email, etc. Happy day, happy day!

Let her flip the hell out, doesnt affect you at all. If you and your DH let this go on for one minute longer your marriage is doomed becasue he worries more about his ex than he does his WIFE and you will get tired of that shit real quick.

Also point out to him how this will look to your out of town guests - they are also going to wonder who played "hide the sack" with his balls.

Just out of curiosity, has anyone stopped to ask SS what *he* wants? Graduation is a pretty big deal to the person graduating, and if he would like you there, then you should go if you want.

If he doesn't want you there, then do nothing. Do not attend, cook, clean, entertain, etc. In fact, go visit your mom, sister, college bff, distant acquaintance who owns the beach house, or whoever else.

Your DH is a COWARD and he needs to stand up for you first and foremost! My DH also treated me poorly during OSS19 graduation last summer. I almost divorced him over it.

You and your cowardly DH need to read this wonderful, wonderful article on "Forsaking all Others." I copy and pasted it for you because the pop-up ads make it almost impossible to read.

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Man in the middle of his current and ex-spouse

Many men feel as if they are in the middle of a Tyson/Holyfied fight when it comes to their ex and current wife. They work hard to strike a peaceful balance between them, but unfortunately their tactics do more harm than good. Those tactics include working overtime to reassure their child that they'll always be there for him. They also work, seemingly even harder, to reassure their ex-wives that they'll always be there for their son. According to informal conversations with many divorced and remarried fathers, they feel that if they do all of this reassuring that their ex-wives will feel less threatened by the new wife and therefore won't cause problems. Men are often caught in the middle for three reasons:

Guilt

Remember that he loves his child and a good father will usually struggle with what he thinks he should be doing to make him/her happy and you happy simultaneously. For the record fellas, I completely understand your plight. However, you must understand that you need to do two things when it comes to making your child happy and healthy. I call it the two “R’s.” You must always be realistic and remain a parent. The worst thing you can do is overcompensate due to the divorce. If you didn’t give into your child’s every whim when you were married to his/her mother, don’t start now. Remember, children of divorced parents are seasoned veterans at dividing and conquering. It is imperative that you demand the same positive behavior as before the divorce. Offering limited control over the child out of guilt of hurting them already can have detrimental effects on their behavior.

To break it down even further, let me give you a couple of examples. It is a Christmas tradition for you, your child, and your ex-wife to spend Christmas Eve exchanging gifts. Or, you ex-wife and child are out having dinner and your ex-wife calls to ask you to join them, supposedly at the child’s request. Your response to both or any other similar request that involves you spending time together as a family, should be NO because you are no longer a family. Yes you will always be his father and mother, but you are no longer a famil,y and continuing family traditions is giving that child a false sense of hope. Furthermore, it makes it more difficult for him/her to accept someone new once you both remarry. The moment you divorce you must teach the child that while mom and dad love you just the same as we did before, you are going to have two separate families now. Reassure the child that you will both be there for him/her, but just not in the way you were before. Create new family traditions to reinforce this new way of thinking. Don’t continue with the old ones. If you do, when you do remarry, and the current wife has a problem with you continuing these traditions with your ex-wife (this is inevitable), then you have to change and when you do, you’ve just taught the child that things changed when she came along. This is why children feel as if it is the evil stepmother that changes everything in their lives.

Having said that, try to keep certain things the same so not turn the child’s world completely around. If it’s possible to keep the child in the same school and home as well as continue any extra curricular activities, it’s in the best interest of the child to do so. Both parents should also encourage relationships with the child’s extended family on either side, but not participate in, nor facilitate these relationships, unless they are your parents.

You don’t have to keep the ex-wife happy

Most men are naïve and think it is their responsibility to keep the ex-wife happy in order to keep their child happy and therefore, remain in the child’s life. This is the second reason men feel as if they are caught in the middle. I have three words for you gentlemen, “forsaken all others.” Do you remember those words? This is what you vowed to do once you married your second wife. That vow includes ex-wives and even children. Your only obligation is to remain an active parent in your child’s life. You are no longer obligated to your ex-wife, no matter how she tries to convince you otherwise. A man who pays attention to his second wife is not treating his first wife and mother of his child like crap. He is divorced from his first wife, and as long as he fulfils the obligations of the divorce decree, he is not morally obligated to come to his ex-wife’s rescue whenever she calls. His only obligation is to treat his former spouse with civility.

You cannot parent your child effectively if both of the child’s homes are in turmoil. Furthermore, you cannot be the one to make sure that both homes are in order. At this point, your ex-wife is responsible for her own happiness, and if she’s too distressed or bitter to raise the child, then you need to legally request that she send him over to you. What you don’t need to do is keep her happy to remain in the child’s life. If she is making it difficult for you to remain in the child’s life because of her own issues, consult a family law attorney or mediator immediately to resolve the issue.

There should never be a battle between your current and your ex-wife because your current wife is always number one. Traditional therapists and/or psychologists will probably chop my head off for saying this, but it’s true. And, if their theory worked (always reassure the child that they are number one in your life), then we wouldn’t have as many problems with ex-wives, ex-lives and “evil stepmothers” as we do now. If you take care of your marriage first, then you will be better parents. If you are better parents, then you have a happy healthy child, no matter where their parents live. The truth of the matter is the child will not always be number one in your life, and if you are teaching your child this, you are doing more harm than good. Once you remarry and/or have other children, that number one status has to be shared with the other special people in your life.

Teaching your child any differently is conveying three things:

1. The world revolves around him/her no matter what.
2. Anyone who gets in the way will ruin it for them.
3. Change is bad.

This will make the child more reluctant to accept anyone else. As I stated earlier, reassure the child that you will always be dad; you will always be there for him/her; and that he/she will always be special to you. However, you must both prepare and encourage him/her (even if you aren’t remarried yet) to make room for someone else. This will convey to the child that although things have changed, change is good as long as you are willing to embrace it.

I don’t know what’s going on

The final reason most men are caught in the middle is because they will claim they haven’t a clue as to what is going on. For the record, I don’t buy this excuse at all. Get backbones men and take control of your families. Your vows with your second wife should be no different than the vows with your first. If you knew what to do then, then you should know what to do now. All your second wife wants is for you to respect your marriage. Below are some tips to help keep your marriage and your child healthy and happy.

1. Any decision involving your family should be made with your current wife. If that decision will affect your child, then you should inform your ex-wife, but not the other way around.

2. Don’t base all of your decisions around the child if he isn’t primarily in your home. For example, if you have children with your second wife or your second wife has children, don’t go to a movie or enjoy other activities with them only during visitation with your child. This sends the message that life only goes on when you’re together, and that’s the wrong message.

3. Always, always, always communicate honestly with your child. Never tell the child what he/she wants to hear. Tell your child the truth so that there are no surprises in the end.

4. Treat your second wife like a wife. Just because you married her second doesn’t mean she should have to come second to your ex-wife and your baggage.

5. Always be sensitive to your current wife’s feelings.

6. Always be sensitive to your child’s feelings, and open to communicate about them whenever necessary.

7. Don’t alienate your current wife from issues with your child. It takes a whole village to raise a child. Make your current wife a part of that village.

8. Demand the same positive behavior from your child just as you did prior to the divorce.

9. Remain a parent and never reverse the roles out of guilt.

10. Set boundaries when it comes to your ex-wife. She should never be allowed to wreak havoc on your family just because she’s bitter and unhappy.

So gentlemen, it is unfortunate that you are the “man in the middle” but please know that you put yourself there. There should be no middle, just you on one end and your current wife on the other. Your second marriage should be no different than your first. You took vows before God to honor, love, respect and protect your marriage. As long as you do that everything else will more easily follow.

http://www.examiner.com/article/man-the-middle-of-his-current-and-ex-spouse

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When I hear of situations like this it always reminds me of a man hiding his mistress.

She's good enough to cook, clean for him, eat with and have sex with but he cannot take her out in public because "the wife" will see and get upset so he has to hide his mistress.

Or maybe the man has to act like the "happy family" in front of others because noone wants the mistress messing up the happy family event.

So what happens if this event slides by and no one ruffles the wifes (whoops I mean EX's) feathers? Then what about the next event or the next event?

When will this ever end?

I personally refuse to be hidden like a mistress.

I hate to hear of these scenarios.

of course I will do all the shopping and cooking and cleaning and entertaining

Of course, I would not be doing any of this ^^^^.

I would either go to the ceremony (looking fabulous), or plan a little weekend getaway.

"don't ever do anything to upset her, because that makes life hard for the boys."

Yet, he divorced her.

I fail to see where the kids are the ones having the issue. You aren't asking the man to pick you over his children, you're asking him to pick you over his EX. If he's still so concerned about her feelings, he shouldn't have divorced her.

Don't do all the cooking cleaning and party planning!!!! DH needs to put his foot down. He cannot expect you.... and you should not allow, anyone to dump all the responsibility in ur lap with no "privileges" so to speak. His mom wants the spot light? Give it to her....along with all the work!

Well, what happened? Did you end up going?