Being asked to move out at 'their' weekends
Hi all.
THis is the first time I have posted something on here....I guess that actually looking for some help online really does indicate that I am in need of some! I have been living with my partner for almost 3 years now. He has 2 girls, one will be 18 in 3 months and the other is 14.
I think he has typical guilty daddy syndrome. They never get pulled up about their behaviour, manners or attitude at all, even when it is compromising basic rules. Once example is that he still has to tell them to put their seatbelts on in the car (they often ignore this and don't do it anyway). They come every other weekend and share the holidays. My intention was to be involved, and to involve them, not to make them feel I was taking their Dad away. Unfortunately, it is not working, if anything it is worse. Despite being supportive and friendly with the girls they still don't even say hello when they come at the weekend or if I come in unless either I do or they are made to do so. THe youngest has been found stealing and the police were involved. There has been multiple detentions at school. But when they come to ours house, nothing is ever said because he likes ' a nice weekend'.
They do not clean up after themselves, I have found used sanitary products in the bathroom, toilet not flushed, coats cannot make the hanger, dishes cannot make it into the dishwasher and things have been broken and not looked after. I can handle those....but not the obvious intention to ignore me, be rude and treat me as though I am invisible.
Besides that, the worst is that It is my partner who will not deal with this or support me. In the 3 years we have been together we have had tough times. My Dad passed away 2 years ago and also he was in hospital and out of action for a month with his back, and again ove Christmas. Despite this we have stuck together.
It hurts so much that he doesn't stick up for me sometimes. I have redecorated his eldest girls bedroom, got her cool and thoughtful gifts and been there to talk to on occasion when she needed it, also offering lifts. Never has he said to them that they must not speak to me like that or adjust their behaviour.
We have been away on holiday 3 times but each was an ordeal. The first time once he realised a 7 day break would mean rearanging a weekend he made me look for a 5 day. A package holiday from the UK is difficult to find for this period. He didn't want to miss a weekend or rearrange it but mainly he couldnt bear to to tell them. THe next time we had a few days in my parent's borrowed campervan and rushed back for the eldests event and she sulked once she found out we had been away without her.
The final straw is now. Until now I had been away either most of the weekend they are here or part of it. We agreed that it was not helping and I should now be around more. I have been working throughout the pandeminc without furlough or leave. My partner was furloughed for 10 weeks and his kids have not been at school since march. THey have been at ours on and off but after a period of 5 days said they didn't want to come again during the week.
Partner and I had 2 weeks off with the first week having the girls. We decided that the following week we would try to go away and he agreed to a week away, going the Thursday. THey were supposed to stay until the Friday. I said we should tell them that they would be going home a day earlier but he did not want tem sulking all week. The first week I made sure I spent a few days away doing other things and some involved as the bf said I should. Besides, I do live there. THe week was awful, I felt like I was not wanted by anyone, the bf and I hardly spoke and the kids mostly ignored me. Really hurt my feelings.
They arrived in 2 cars because 17yo is learning to drive and wanted to bring it and her bike. She works on the Wed so we had to drive back in 2 cars just we could drop off the car and her bike and collect them. This is 45min drive away where they live. No thanks just a phone call to 'hurry up ' at the end of the shift.
By Thursday, bf had spent a fair bit of money on a day out. 14yo told him to F.off when he tried to take a photo of them. By the time we got home he still hadnt told them they were going home. When he did tell them, 17yo kicked off, refused to talk to him and called their mum to collect her who would not usually bother.
Next day we go on holiday. I have not been allowed to tell anyone we are going because it would upset his kids, or where. I hate lying. He gets emails from the ex saying his behaviour is shocking and more during the week, and texts from the 17yo telling him not to message her or collect them on the following Friday.
He is sad a lot of the week and it is ruined anyway. I listen to him and support him all week. We get back and for all his talk about us having the right to go away and they are rude, nothing changes. I am not really that bothered about social media but the 17yo has blocked me from everything. The 14yo merely grunts anyway. In fact, I am pretty heartbroken.
Because after all this, I am the one who he has asked to go away. He wanted to give them space to 'calm down'. Whatever that means. He said he wanted to talk to them about their behaviour. So despite being very upset about this, I agreed and went to my Mums for the weekend. I thought that was it.
Now, 2 weekends on he wants me to do it again. He said that they say that I am demonstrative around him and so they can't be. The 14yo doesn't come out of her room and rarely looks up from her phone and this isnt a new thing, plus she hates being touched so I doubt it came from her. The 17yo is super clingy and is all over Dad particularly if anyone is around. My mum came one day and commented on it- she thought it a bit odd. Bizarrely, I don't go anywhere near him anymore when they are here and he certainly doesn't with me, which he did at the start. This also hurts.
I have always respected their time together, but I really draw the line at being asked not to be here at the weekend at all. It is his house so I feel like I have no rights, but I do pay half of all the bills and we are supposed to be a couple.
I do not trust him now. He says maybe we should buy a place together, but how could we....if one of them ever thew their dummy out I know who would be out of the door and it would not be me.
Amendment
Don't know how to edit....meant that it would be me pushed out of the door not them!! All he says is that "they are teenagers" and "they have been used to being with just me for 10 years". BTW Mother has had another child since and is married again. They have been split about 11 years.
Well. . . I guess I'd ask you
Well. . . I guess I'd ask you if you don't mind being his third, lesser concubine? If you are OK with a lifetime of being the third "wife," so to speak, behind his two daughters, then keep going along with this man's plan to control and use you as wife #3 and madam #1. If you know in your heart you deserve so much better, then I say so long to this man and his two girls.
There is being a guilty dad and then there is being an a$$hole. This guy is the latter, unfortunately. I agree with the above, "Get your own place, do your own thing and hopefully you'll meet a man with no kid issues." Also, you are better off by yourself that you are with a man like this. If there is one thing I learned after all these years, it is that no woman should ever depend on a man to give her validation. Being by yourself is way better than being with a partner who doesn't recognize your value. Best of luck to you, and you have all of my support and empathy on the loss of your father.
Why stay in a relationship
Why stay in a relationship where you are not valued and are lesser than his first family?
I am angry for you. No way
I am angry for you. No way should you be asked to leave your own home because two almost adult women are acting catty and manipulative. And yes, even the 14-year-old should be able to act like a decent human. This guy is not capable of having a quality relationship. He has raised his daughters to be crappy people and he is a crappy boyfriend. The disrespect left unchecked and being asked to leave your own home would be deal breakers for me.
Welcome to the site!
Your predicament enraged me - mainly because I did what you are doing for the first decade of my relationship with DH - ie I voluntarily excluded myself from activities, outings, holidays, mainly because SD23 would sabotage if I was along. I wish now I had never made myself blend into the wallpaper, I should have been assertive. I am different now.
Being asked to leave your own home (never mind that it is his house, it is your home) for weekends when the SDs come is absolutely outrageous, and personally it would be my hill to die on. I think I would end the relationship and certainly not contemplate buying a house together. Your man is a spineless fool if he thinks this is a good solution to the SD issues.
OK, so why are you still
OK, so why are you still there? What is so great about this guy that you stay through all his mistreatment? Why do you tolerate this? He has no consideration nor respect for you. His daughters come first in everything. You are, apparently, an afterthought.He cannot even bring himself to spend one extra day on you and one less on them. He cannot even bring himself to have a decent holiday with you. He allows his daughters to treat you like a servant. If I were you, I'd feel humiliated (by his behaviour towards you) and ashamed (that I tolerated it for so long). Being asked to leave my home for anyone, much less a pair of individuals who treat you with so much contempt would be beyond me. It's adding (yet another) insult to injury.
You deserve so much better so go out there and find it. Start by moving out and putting this appalling jerk in your rear-view mirror.
So i assume you are mainly responsible for the bills now since
He has been furloughed?? Yet you are being treated as the temporary whore for sex when sd’s aren’t around??
he says he needs a few weeks to talk but I guarantee no talk will happen. Its just a few weeks to pretend you don’t exist and the same shit happens!!
My husbands exwife remarried 11.5 yrs ago literally week divorce was final and turns out she was dating this guy before separation and my skids didn’t even know. Skids come home from school and bio mum is waiting saying they have a new daddy as bio mum got married
hubby marries me 5.5yrs after the divorce, we have our first child just over a yr later and all it is from sd to their dad is “we know you have a new family, new kids etc” like we are the replacement. You walked out on dad and ended contact for over 5 yrs and you expect him to pander to you when he found great people who care about him
op, i’m strug To find what is remotely appealing about this guy and his 2 miniwives?? You’re in for more hell if you think this is bad already... its gonna get real bad soon enough!!
Thanks
It was last weekend they were here and he said it will be this weekend too but 'he can't keep asking me to do it' I think the point is that he has at all.
Thank you everyone for your support. Whe met 5 years ago in the ballroom, he asked me to dance. Like a romantic movie.... We didn't actually meet again for another 2 years and I was just about to emigrate to Australia. He said that he had been thinking about me the whole time but was busy competing, and it wouldn't be fair to date me whilst he spent so much time dancing with another woman. I went to Aus, we spoke every day and when I returned I moved in with him. When My Dad went, he was there for me, held my hand at the funeral when I read the poem I wrote.
I am 40 now and I have honestly never been in a good, long-term relationship. Been busy travelling, working, or just never found the right person. He told my parents he loved me and all who knew me. He said he wanted a family together....he is 12 years older than me but this was never an issue.
After all this, I was unsure and when I felt that I knew it was right and told him I wanted it too, he changed his mind. He feels very low because after the divorce 10 years ago he was left with nothing and he has struggled financially ever since. Now he said he wouldn't be able to cope with another child. My heart broke. We live together and I contribute to everything yet we are still like 2 seperate people.....I said that it takes 2 parents to raise a child, not the pockets of one and that he is not factoring in that I also earn a good enough wage.
I live here, pay the bills, decorate, buy nice things, yet he has never touched it or tried to do anything because he felt his heart wasn't in it and he cannot afford to. I am not money orientated but I sure know that 10 years is enough time to save for a carpet where there is none. I commited to helping do up the house because I live here and want it nice....but now I don't see the point. Especially when I am being asked to leave 'to give them some time'.
I am so fed up of living in the shadow of the ex wife and the life he had before that he is still mourning. He is still so bitter about how he was left. He came home one day and she had took everything, including the kids. That must have been crucifying and he is still trying to protect them. But now I feel that I am paying for this.
He said he doesn't understand the issue and he is just asking for some support from me and he never asks that. To be fair, he doesnt actually ask, but I think that my being here and putting up with all the crap is help enough. I love the guy and he is a lovely man. I am scared that I will leave and never meet anyone again.....maybe I would lose the one chance I might ever have to have my own family.
You are losing any chance you
You are losing any chance you have to have your own family by staying with this guy. Face it, you're just an outsider to his first family. You won't have a family with him. Leave and give yourself a chance of having a complete, fulfilling relationship with a better man.
So not only is he an abusive,
So not only is he an abusive, self-centred jerk, he is also a liar who strung you along with the promise of a family and he also uses you for your money. This is utterly disgusting stuff, you know that, right?
Look. You don't have to live like this. You can be a single mother - go talk to your gyno. You don't need a rat like him in your life. You probably feel as if you got all the good times at the beginning and now you have to live with the rough stuff. Well, you don't. Relationships are supposed to be about sharing, about give and take. Yours is all give on your side and take, take, take on his.
Sit down for a minute and picture where you want to be in 5 years time. Do you want to be childless, disrespected, exploited and feel like crap most of the time because the man in your life puts everyone else before you? Because that's where you're headed and your resentment is just going to keep on building. Or do you have a sunnier, happier vision? Don't you think it's time to start planning on the next phase of your life? Close the door on this miserable chapter and move forward.
He's a pathetic aplology for a partner and you deserve so much better!
It's up to you to love and
It's up to you to love and care for yourself. Start living for yourself again. Go on vacation by yourself, spend more time with your friends. Leave him to deal with his on his own. When you are around less and less to meet his needs. If he doesn't wake up and realize what he has right in front of him and start making you a priority then you have your answer.
OP, if you live together, you
OP, if you live together, you have equal right to be in the house. And if you pay all the bills, you have even more than equal right, in my opinion. 10 years is plenty long enough for him to "get over" his divorce and what BM supposedly did to him, and get on with life.
If I were you, I'd stay at my mom's and let him know he'll need to decide who his partner is - SD17, or you? SD14 or you? BM - or you? And if it's you, then he either sets limits on his kids, or he can see them elsewhere on his weekends. If not, you will be returning to pick up your stuff.
You hold ALL the power here, you are supporting him. Stop letting him walk all over you and make you feel like the bad guy for not wanting to play second best to a pair of entitled teens. Oh, and stop feeling sorry for him because he still plays the victim 10 years after his divorce.
Being asked to leave your
Being asked to leave your home is a dealbreaker.
Renigging on children is a dealbreaker.
His children run amok and he allows it. What are you getting out of this relationship?
Good advice
Thanks everyone
It is new to me..... I do feel for the girls. Their mother put them throuh tough times so Dad is the only stable person but now I see that they have it all at Mothers. THey know how to play the game, all 3. I loved my dad too, so I wanted to be fair but we would never have made another feel so bad. Our family is about welcoming. I see that in being kind, generous and flexible, I am in fact soft, a walkover and just so desperate for my own person to love me that I would let it go.... He just says that 'I get him the rest of the time'...so he doesn't see it as an issue. But I see that me not being there really is another chance to pretend that I don't exist and have a peaceful little weekend for them. The fact that he actually says that "it is not an issue" makes it an issue. Anything that upsets him IS an issue to me too. I wasn't looking to disengage...I wanted to be a part of the family. I see that will never happen.
I honestly don't even know how to move out. I am away tonight (my choice to meet friends) Thurs and Fri I am home. My mum and auntie are away for the week and they offered me to join them. Had he wanted me around this weekend, I was going to stay and join in with them. Since he wants another weekend without me there, I may as well go for the whole week. He said he knows he cannot keep asking me to do this but it is just for a few weekends to sort things out.
I don't know whether to wait till I get back to have the break up talk or do it beforehand. I don't know that I really want to break up but I cannot cope with this any more. I will need to move all my stuff out of the house, inc furniture etc but that would have to wait until the week I am back and I am not sure if I could rest thinking about it all week. Unless I tell him before I go and then give him the week to think about it....
I really appreciate this. I know we are all step-parents and so somewhat biased but I do appreciate all your advice and experience because I don't know if I am right or not. I suppose ultimately, the only right thing is what I want that is right for me.
"You get him the rest of the
"You get him the rest of the time," lol. He clearly doesn't get it.
He just says that 'I get him
He just says that 'I get him the rest of the time'
That there is huge! He has no idea of what being a part of a couple entails. He thinks he has to split his time between them and you, as if you had primary custody of him and they have visitation... He is absolutely clueless about what a loving relationship looks like.
There are so many red flags in your situation that you could start your own parade ...
Sounds like he liked the
Sounds like he liked the chase. Now that he caught you and reality set in, it's not that much fun anymore. Couple that with his inability to parent his kids, and you're the one on the outside. He's just not willing to do the hard work of being in a loving, supportive relationship.
That's no way to live, and you deserve better.
This "man" - and I feel like
This "man" - and I feel like I am degrading men by calling him one - treats you like a disposable tissue. UNACCEPTABLE!
That is your home, too. You should not be tossed out every other weekend like garbage.
It's great for him to spend quality time with his bratty daughters, but it is NOT okay for him to ask/tell you to leave.
You are NOT too old to find love. My DH and I connected 10 years ago at ages 46/45. My Dad (widowed) remarried 4 years ago at 86yo.
Dispose of this poor excuse for a man. There are good men out there - he is certainly NOT one if them. Take time to heal and fall in love with yourself. You are worth it and deserve so much more.
Step Parents Bill of Rights
Step-parent Bill of Rights
1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
Unmarried
Am I any less important because we aren't married?
Sweety no
Dont even go there!
Being married is legally binding, yes, but you MATTER just as much being a bill-paying, supporting, SIGNIFICANT "other".
Before marriage I was "just the girlfriend", as SD Feral Forger used to call me.
I call BS on that chit.
Your DH has a pair of mini
Your DH has a pair of mini wives, he has no room for an actual girlfriend/partner. Unless and until he is ready to severe that unhealthy side of the relationship with his daughters nothing you say or do will make any of this better.
Their mother put them throuh
Their mother put them throuh tough times so Dad is the only stable person
Well, him being stable is debatable. I mean, he's still feeling low about a divorce that happened 11 years ago, and after he's been with you for 3 years? He sees no issue asking you to leave your home the weekends his daughters are there? He expects YOU to leave so his daughters have space to "calm down" and he can talk to them about their behavior? Please.
He is not relationship material.
Hell yeah, I would move out. Move out and move ON.
He made his choice. And it is not you.
Don't return. Stop sacrificing yourself to this failed man and father and his multigenerational shallow and polluted gene pool.
Find a man who will respect you and the relationship that he has with you and who will not subjugate you to anyone. Particularly a brood of failed family breeding experiments.
Take care of you.