bedroom issues
Hi guys, I am new here! I have an 11 year old SD, a 3 year old BD, and a baby on the way. I could write a book here about everything that led up to our current situation but I'll try to keep it short!
I've been with my DH since SD was 2. We had SD full time for years due to BM's drug addiction. BM recently started coming around again and SD has fallen for all her lies and empty promises and wants to be with BM full time. On paper, they have 50/50 (my DH never had it modified when we started keeping SD full time because he just wanted SD and didn't want BM to try to keep her just so she didn't have to pay child support or something).
So (against my wishes and advice) we have not had SD since September. We have been seeing her on weekends but she has not stayed a night here.
We have a 3 bedroom house. BD and SD have their own rooms. I am also pregnant. I told DH that if SD isn't going to be living here, her room would become the baby's room - this was mostly said trying to push DH to get SD back because I don't agree with her being under BM's influence but it hasn't worked and it is time to make a decision on the rooms.
Do I keep SD's room for her even though she has not stayed a night here in 6 months and have my 3 year old and the baby share a room? I think that is kind of silly but I don't want her to feel like she lost her place here either. She has made it clear though that she does not want to live here. What do you guys think? What would you do?
My first reaction is to say
My first reaction is to say it can't be left up to an 11 year old to decide where she want's to live, given BM's prior circumstances. However, if your DH is not going to enforce visitation, why keep the room?
I agree 100%! DH and BM both
I agree 100%! DH and BM both give SD way too much power. That is the source of 99% of the arguments DH and I have.
No sense in wasting the room.
No sense in wasting the room. She hasn't stayed in 6 months.
An infant will be waking multiple times a night. Why disturb your 3yr olds sleep unnecessarily?
I really don't want to do
I really don't want to do that to my 3 year old. I would probably keep the baby in my room if it came down to it. My BD gets up early for daycare since we both work, and she will be going to preschool next year so that would just be awful.
If the 11 year isn't coming
If the 11 year isn't coming to stay then of course she doesn't need a room however I would also have an issue with the way DH is dealing with this situtation.
If 11 year old was there even simi regularly then I'd have the two little ones share a room since there is no way I would want a baby or toddler in with an almost teen. Just not a good situtation in my eyes if it can be avoided.
I think mom and dad need to have a sit down and figure out how to handle this becuase this child needs to be following the custody order. Outside of them doing that though I would have a sit down with the girl before just giving away the room. Make it clear that you want her around but since she isn't staying the baby needs the room. If she wants to start staying the night she can keep it.
I have a HUGE issue with the
I have a HUGE issue with the way its being handled. We have fought endlessly about it. His reasoning is that SD wants her mom which is true. I think she's too young to make that decision and being with us is far more stable than BM. I like your idea to sit down with SD and talk about it though, I hadn't really thought of that. I feel horrible about the whole thing, but I can't see keeping our only other room empty when she isn't going to be using it. Thank you!
Use the room for one of your
Use the room for one of your kids. If SD comes back, it can be revisited, provided your two kids are the same sex. Older kids move out, younger kids get the room, that's how it works. Younger kids shouldn't have to be crammed into a room together when one room is empty for a princess to return to when she feels like it.
I also think DH is being really stupid - at least do 50/50.
I’d give the bedroom to the
I’d give the bedroom to the baby & make sure there was a camp bed/cot/trundle bed on hand for if SD ever decided to come back. There’s no need for a room to sit empty for a child who doesn’t use it.
If she changes her mind you can revisit the arrangement. Personally, I don’t see the huge issue that gets made about bedrooms with skids. They are children, you’re the adults & you make due with what you have. I would never let a room sit empty if my SS’s stopped coming over, what a waste of space (unless you’ve got a huge house).
If BM & DH insist on giving an 11yo all the power, then you put yours first too. SD can share if she ever decides to come back.
I don't get it either. I was
I don't get it either. I was the youngest, and had to share a room for a long time - until an older sibling went to college. Then I finally had my own room. Parents decide who gets what room, not kids. And no house should have one bedroom sitting open while other kids share a room.
Exactly. I had to share with
Exactly. I had to share with my older sister once little sis came into the picture. Once we both moved out, the room was no longer anyone’s room & my brother moved in. We all slept wherever we could when we were all in the house from that point on. Now we’re all launched & none of us have a dedicated room in my parents house. It’s my *parent’s* house! They pay the bills, they choose to do what they want with the rooms they have.
Think you worried too much about the future
Right now, you must do what’s important, SD at BM , baby gets the room. If sometime in the future SD wants to live with you, than you can change sleeping arrangements.
But you also must come to the realization, SD must have no rules at BM house, and is doing what she wants. It may never work out if she moves back. She may not be the kid she used to be. And if she moves back it may be for a short time thorn back to BM. As you two play the pick me game.
That’s a very good point and
That’s a very good point and you’re right about BM having no rules and that being a huge reason SD wants to stay there. She has definitely changed a lot in only 6 months and I notice it more and more every time I see her. I wish there was more I could do.
The house should be allocated
The house should be allocated as best fits the full time residents of the home. Visiting kids are accomodated in a way that facilitates their participation in the family and household but in a way that least impacts everyone else.
So, put the 3yo in the room that makes the most sense and make the other room the nursery. Put SD on an AeroBed, pull out, etc... as best fits her visitation ... if she does in fact visit.
IMHO of course.
Thanks everyone! I feel
Thanks everyone! I feel better about making the room the baby’s room now that I’ve gotten some validation. I was feeling terrible about it and even looked into getting an addition put on my house! I will revisit the whole thing if SD ever ends up coming back but for right now I don’t think there’s any point.