Is the baggage worth the pain?
First time poster and long time lurker.
I'm a stepmum to a 9yo boy and have been in his life since he was almost 4yo. There have been a lot of ups and downs in our little step-family, a lot of them coming from my own resentment at feeling as though I never come first, financial implications and the general way of life that is part and parcel of our setup. I struggle with my partners parenting and disagree with most of what he does (Disney Dad that often loses his temper at the child). And then the struggles that come with a child that isn't your own. He has a strong personality, and he is very bright, but I do find that he can be extremely manipulative when he wants. I don't know if all children can be like this, especially at this age. We get him almost every weekend and most of the holidays too. My OH also invited him to live with us (without consulting me) once his primary schooling is finished. But there you are, thats's our background.
What I want to ask, is does it get better? Or will I feel second rate forever? Is there more to life than what I get in return for my current familial efforts? If I have my own biological child, will I feel that love and protectiveness towards it, that I'm supposed to feel for my SS? Don't get me wrong, I love him, nurture him and spoil him when I want to, but I don't feel fulfilled afterwards. I feel like I'm doing it because he comes part of the package with his Dad, but if he wasn't around then my life would be easier... better. What is the difference betweent he love for your own children in comparison to that of your stepchildren?
I guess it doesn't help that I don't feel financially secure with my OH. He never lets us go without but that means we are always in debt, always owing something out. I end up subbing him at the end of the month, or his parents or somebody else. I'm not saying I'm blameless in our financial circumstances but I always feel as though the grass is financially greener on the other side.
On top of this, I found out that he was texting other girls behind my back. I found out just before Xmas when I was sent screenshots. I confronted him and he denied it until he seen I had evidence. Then he begged me to not ask for anymore screenshots from the person who had sent them to me. He started the blame game, blaming everybody but himself. He even blamed ME! Then he tried to twist it to say it isn't cheating as he never met anybody. But to me, he cheated, and I hurt every day because of it. And now all I can think is that I could be with somebody that doesn't have the baggage and hasn't caused me to hurt this way every day. He has swore to me that he is sorry, begged me to keep trying. And I agreed but I feel as though it's pointless. I feel as though I have invested so much into him and his son (even though I really struggled at times with being a stepmum) and it's all just been thrown back in my face. I do still love my partner, but the hurt he has caused makes me feel as though his baggage just isn't worth the pain.
So please, tell me this as well, will it get better? Is it worth enduring this hurt, all while struggling with the stepmum role that I do not overly like? I just feel as though I don't get much out of the role and this hurt is just making me question if it's even worth trying to save my relationship.
Thanks in advance.
Ist off, what he was doing IS
Ist off, what he was doing IS cheating. It's emotional cheating and that can hurt even more than the physical type. He was gaslighting you when he tried to blame it on you. You are perfectly within your rights to feel hurt.
Secondly, well of course he's begging you to stay - how else could he manage to live in his current lifestyle? He can't even keep up-to-date with the bills. How does he think he'd manage if his son was there full-time? Good grief, he can't even parent efficiently.
I'm sorry, but there are way too many negatives in your post for me to imagine this is the relationship for you. You never mentioned a single positive about your OH. Sit down with a piece of paper and list all the bad things about living with him on one side and all the good things about living with him on the other and then compare the results. That should help you make your decision. If that doesn't help, try to imagine how you'd like your life to be ten years from now and ask yourself if this lifestyle is compatible with that.
Are you sure you still love him or are you just used to being with him and having him in your life. Start thinking about you. Start putting yourself first (don't be available when he needs someone to care for his son and stop giving him subs at the end of the month) and see how long he stands it. My guess is that he won't be happy about it.
Above all, remember that this little boy is his son but that he is absolutely not your responsibility. Where is his mother in all this? What is the current visitation schedule?
I think it's a bit of both, I
I think it's a bit of both, I do love my partner and I'm used to having him with me as my comfort and safe place. I don't feel as though he is that any more though.
His Mum has him during the week and some of the holidays and the very odd weekend too. She has her own family, married and kids too. But if it's our time with SS, its a very rare occasion to hear from her, which I guess is normal.
I wouldn't stay with a man
I wouldn't stay with a man who couldn't manage money, texted other women and expected me to parent his son. Baggage is worth the pain if there is a greater amount of GOOD stuff, and I don't hear any good stuff.
Baggage is worth the pain if
This is it for me. If there is more bad stuff and pain it is not worth it. It is up to you to decide.
I understand what are you talking about. It is very hard to live that life. There has to be a lot of love and understanding between the two of you so you could feel safe and satisfied in your relationship.
It is hard so think about it. Do you get what you deserve? Or are you giving much more and get crumps in return.
What you've described is not
What you've described is not worth it. He's texting other women??? And invited skid to live with you full time without consulting you??? Unacceptable.
Also, there is NO COMPARISON between stepkids and bio kids. Ditch the lousy man you have and find a financially secure, faithful, unencumbered man to give you bio kids.
Everybody together...
Run!
I can't really comment on the
I can't really comment on the texting other women thing. That's on you. I can comment on having another child though.
Maybe not with this guy. BUT
Yes. Having your own does not compare to the step. In any way. If nothing else, it will drive your feelings for the step further and further into the ground, because once you have your own, you will know without a doubt, that the stepchild being in your care is the furthest thing from natural as it can get. It's a sad truth, and I don't think it's just my sad truth.
Just do your own children a favor, and choose a man to have them with that won't make them second-rate in the next household that they live in. Society at large is trying to convince everyone that blended families are normal, but it's the furthest thing from it. Don't make your own kids stepkids, if you're in doubt - don't have unprotected sex with this guy, and don't waste any more of your fertile years with him. I know wealth of women teachers that I work with that are absolutely miserable because they wasted their lives away, and then they turned 40 and realized that they wanted children, but it was too late.
He DID cheat on you, just not
He DID cheat on you, just not physically. When I found out that my DH was texting other women, he had two choices. Move the hell out, or get help. I wasn't having his "oh baby baby I love you I promise never again" b.s. I needed to see ACTION and I needed a way to rebuild trust.
We both went to individual therapy, both got stronger, and eventually we both were able to recommit to the marriage (it's good, but forever changed). It's not a simple thing. HE HURT YOU and spent emotional resources on other women, and it's not ok to think that you should just get over it and move on. If he expects that of you, then he's all about himself. That's not what a loving partner does.
You've go so much going on here -- is this really how you want to live?
Honey, he is most likely also
Honey, he is most likely also physically cheating on you. He's a liar. Dump him.
My DD30 met a guy on an online dating site, and met him at a coffee shop. He was DTF, but she doesn't do that. A few days later she did some sleuthing and found his profile on FB, and he was married. We sent screenshots of his dating profile and the texts to his wife. She was stuck on "did they kiss? did they have sex?" His story kept changing as we revealed more information. "oh, so it was only the one date?" No, honey, it was two. He's shopping for sex.
I was like, "No, but he said he's been out with other women from this dating site, he tried to kiss her, and DD could have slept with him if she wanted to. He has definitely cheated on you with SOMEONE." I mean, duh, way to miss the point. He's a liar and a cheater. Cheaters cheat, it's what they do.
he begged me to not ask for
he begged me to not ask for anymore screenshots
He begged because those other screenshots are even more incriminating. They could very well be "happy snaps" of him and his partner having sex.
Face it. This JERK is using you for your finances, babysitting his brat, and sex. He is so NOT worth it. Kick him to the curb. There are plenty of men out there with no baggage and stable finances who will love an appreciate you. And NOT CHEAT.
No
Not going to get better
Not Worth it
Wont change
Leave.
It... is..... not...... worth......it.
Until your DH gains clarity it will not get better and you will remain second rate in this toxic stew of a gene pool.
Do not make the mistake of breeding with this prick to firm the relationship or to provide yourself with the unconditional love that many yearn for.
As for DH's whining and begging...... this is nothing more than pathetic manipulation by the cheater. He does not want you asking for more screen shots because he knows that the ones you already have are just the surface and there are far worse examples out there.
Please, write this POS off, call the locksmith to re-key the locks, cut him and his parents off from any further financial rescues from you, and get on with your life without this POS and his multi generation shallow and polluted gene pool in your life.
You have not made the heinous mistake of breeding with him. Please, keep it that way.
Take care of you.
End this.
Good luck.
The toxic baggage is so not
The toxic baggage is so not worth it and the fact that you asked should let you know that it's not worth it either. Do yourself a favor and be done with this cheating manipulative man.
No it does not get better.
No it does not get better. You will always come second. I stayed with mine for 6 years then finally bailed. That was 5 years too long. It gets worse, much worse. You see these people don't care about you. All they are looking for is a free nanny, sitter, maid, cook, taxi service, and ATM with the benefits of sex. They don't care about your wants, needs nor happiness whatsoever. They are all about themselves.