Babysitting Son's Half Sister
As I'm sure most step-families are, ours is complicated, so I'll try to summarize before I get to my question. I apologize for the length of the post. I don't have time to make it shorter.
When my son was 2 I separated from my Ex-wife. We had argued constantly. She could and did yell at me for literally hours at a time. We got a custody order right away that was 50-50. I began paying child support, and have never missed one. It took several years to finish the divorce since we both self-represented. I eventually got it done. Again it was 50/50 and I paid child support (I make more). As my son got older I always suspected that her verbal abuse would increasingly turn on him. Eventaully it did. 5 years ago, when my son was 9, I remarried. It was a regular feature of my non-custodial evenings during the early years of my 2nd marriage that my son would call really upset because of some incident with his Mom. Two years after I got married, and when my son was 11 my Ex got pregnant with her then boyfriend. They did not have a healthy relationship. The situation got worse at my Ex's home. I had always kept logs of custody changes, and it had become a log of abuse allegations. I also saved huge amounts of IMs between me and my son. Eventtually, and at my son's request, I went to court armed with all of this and got full custody. My Ex has limited visitation. My wife and son get along well. Not long after that my Ex was evicted from her apartment and moved 90miles away to live in an extra unit that her parents have at their home. That was 2 years ago. Since then she never takes her legal visitation. She still works in this area, mostly on the weekends. I have let my son visit her whenever she has asked and whenever he has asked. I have initiated his vistis on several occasions, because despite her issues, their relationship is important. He doesn't like going for a whole week (like spring break) but he misses his sister so so much. When he talks about her come to his eyes. He is torn between not wanting to spend too much time with his mom's familiy and wanting to spend time with his sister.
Last week his mom, sister, and materal grandparents were all in town on a Saturday to see my son in a school play. He went to dinner with them after. I got a call from him asking if we could have his sister over that night through Sunday night, he promised he would take care of her etc. I suspect she has overused her parents for child care, and needs help. I said no for a dozen practical reasons. My wife and I both had busy days scheduled the next day, our 2 bedroom apartment is really-really not childproof, we had guests over right then, it was totally inappropriate to ask for that at the last second, we haven't planned on how to handle an emergency, etc.
I suggested to my son and wife that with planning, and not as a regular thing, we could do it. My wife is really bothered by the idea, but she also doesn't want to be the wicked step mother. I agree that we don't want to become a child-care option for my Ex. I agree from experience that we have to be super vigilant about boundaries with my Ex. I agree that the care responsibility would fall on me and my son. I agree that my wife can and is encouraged to participate as much as or as little as she wants. On a practical level the only time my Ex would likely be able to do this is on weekends and it would probably be from a saturday morning to a sunday late evening. I know that's a lot of time, and it is intimidating even to me, an old hand at taking care of kids. On the other hand I know my son is hurting and he desperately wants to spend time with his sister away from his mom, so that they can bond away from her chaos and yelling. My wife has said, we could do this no more than once per quarter and is opposed to any overnights. I can tell the whole subject really bothers her. I agree with once per quarter but a no overnights condition would probably prevent it from happening at all since it wouldn't offer any value to my Ex.
I think this is important to my son. I believe it would be a big growth experience for him. Thoughts? I just really can't judge what is appropriate here.
I feel for him wanting to
I feel for him wanting to have some sort of relationship with his half-sibling, but I also feel engaging in this could be extremely problematic.
I 100% understand why your wife would want no part of this.
This is no different than if my DH’s 11 (almost 12) year old wanted us to facilitate overnights with her young half brother. There is no way, no how - especially because my DH’s Ex is high conflict. Bonding can be done on BM’s time. She’s the bio parent to both.
And I agree. I think you
And I agree. I think you should point your wife in the direction of this board. I’d love to hear her point of view. She’s the stepparent in this scenario, after all.
No way
How much can you ask of your wife before she cracks, Not your kid, what happens is something goes wrong. BM will have you on child abuse. It will cost you time and money for what ? No other kids from BM. She in not your friend
I appreciate all the feedback
I appreciate all the feedback. I'm going to have to read it all carefully and consider it this evening. I am a bit surprised at the apparent emotion in the replies and also by the consistency of the replies. That gives me lots to think about. Thank you all.
Like I said in a reply above, I would never make my wife take the position of telling my son no about anything like this. That's my job, I would not put that on her.
I do have one general comment that I want to make. My Ex has significant problems, but it is inappropriate to suggest that she is evil, as serveral here have done. Mental illness is not equivalent to evil. I'm not excusing anything, but I have seen a more than I would hope on this forum of making derogatory statements about co-parents. This is something that should be avoided since it is harmful to the children. An attack on one parent is an attack on half of the child. It is easiest to avoid making this mistake if you police yourself constantly to avoid it.
Are you high?
You're placing yourself in a position where BM can say "something" was done to her daughter while under your care.
Ask if grandparents are able to accomodate your son's request to spend time with sis away from mom.
This will not end well if you agree to watching her and an overnight visit is absolutely a bad idea. Your heart is in the right place but you're asking too much from your wife.
Mental illness is not evil but they can exhibit malicious behaviors and make evil accusations.
Every last bit of this.
Every last bit of this.
I think you can help your son, OP, work with BM's family (who are also his family) to make a few visits work. Unless BM's parents are unfit as well, I think they are a good option of folks who can facilitate this and not come out damaged. If BM's parents can't/won't/shouldn't, then find an aunt, cousin, etc.
I understand that you don't like your XW being referred to as "evil", but you are on a forum with a lot of SPs who are usually the direct recipients (or indirect through their spouse/skids) of what feel like evil actions. I agree that mental illness doesn't make someone evil, but it can cause evil-feeling behavior. Your XW choosing to have multiple children and being abusive to at least one of them without bringing her mental illness into check sounds like an evil behavior. Being mentally ill isn't a crime, but emotionally and mentally abusing a child is. THAT part is evil.
These responses are spot on,
These responses are spot on, OP.
My Ex has significant
“Several people” as in 2 or more? I don’t see 2 or more people referring to your ex as “crazy”. That’s a bit of an exaggeration there, but okay.
Did you come here just to police us about needing to police ourselves? How meta ironic of you.
We are well aware to watch what we say about the “other” parents and where. That’s why we’re here, and we do it here, anonymously, man.
I understand that this is
I understand that this is difficult for your son, but it is not appropriate. How much contact do you and your wife have with this child? Is she comfortable around you and your wife? God forbid something happened to her and she needed medical attention, do you know her medical history? Can you make medical decisions on her behalf? You said BM lives 90 miles away, is she going to pick up her child if she runs a fever in the middle of the night or do you expect her to be comforted by strangers? I know your son says he will take care of her, but she is not a pet. He shouldn't be put in the position of caring for or comforting a child if she were to get sick, fall down, or simply misbehave in your home. I don't know how much time this child spends away from her mother, but if she starts to feel homesick because she doesn't know you guys, what will you do? Just some things to consider.
No, this is not appropriate
No, this is not appropriate and is a bad idea. They can spend time together at BM's house. Your son will likely be able to drive at 16yo and can go visit.
BioHo actually expected my DH to take her youngest for entire weekends, simply because she was the skids' half-sister. That was after DH made the mistake of letting her come over for a few hours, so 'Ho ASSumed DH would do it all of the time so 'Ho could go out ho-ing.
First of all, the girl was spoiled ROTTEN and spent most of the time screaming her head off because she didn't get her way. Second, she didn't have the same rules as the skids (she didn't have ANY at the 'Ho House because she was The Baby) and refused to follow them (more screaming and throwing a tantrum). Third, because she got MAD at being told NO, she started throwing/breaking whatever she could get her hands on.
The girl is not your responsibility AND, if something bad happens, BM may sue you. You don't know what kind of rules she has, if any. Food allergies, behavioral problems....
Bottom line is that it's simply a BAD idea.
How did your husband handle
How did your husband handle BM expecting him to babysit her kid?
"No, that won't work."
"No, that won't work."
Straight to the point! Love
Straight to the point! Love it!
Pssst... it's what I
Pssst... it's what I suggested when DH asked me, "WTH should I tell 'Ho when she asks if Spawn can come over?" *mosking*
This is a double edged sword
This is a double edged sword if ever there was one. On the positive side your son would be thrilled and it would be great Dad/SM points to build with him.
On the other.... not your kid, there are all kinds of risk exposures, etc, etc, etc...
We offered to adopt my SS's three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas following a particularly toxic visitation with his SpermClan. We were only trying to make a point and they of course refused with malice and were all offended. When they were complaining to SS about how the CS they were paying on him was causing his three younger halfsibs to go with out, not have enough food, etc, etc, etc... wahhhhhhhhhh!
So we bared their asses with an offer to adopt the rest of the SpermIdiot's spawn.
They just started manipulating about something different.
I guess I'm confused, because
I guess I'm confused, because I am curious as to why a 14 year old boy would want his sister to come overnight. Sure, he wants to spend time with her away from yelling mom... but... surely he can take little sis to the park when at mom's?
As sad as the situation is, little sis has a family of her own, which does not include you or your wife.
Don't go down that road.... your son is old enough to understand that just as he has a father, so does his sister, and that he should be grateful that his father is not absentee.