Maybe you should have married someone who had not been married or done anything before?

It doesn't matter that he has done these things before, it matters that he loves YOU and is doing them with YOU.

There are a lot of things that we have all done before, that doesn't mean it's not special to do them with the one we love NOW. Your milestones as a couple have nothing to do with his ex.

Unless HE is the one making you feel second best, you are creating your own issues.

DH and I were both married before, but we celebrate "firsts" all the time, and we've been married almost 15 years!

When we encounter something that we've done with our prior partners, we call it "getting rid of ghosts" and we consciously go about making the place, event, whatever something happy for US and our own.

You know you can't undo the past. You and your DH have a whole future together--celebrate it! I hate that you are giving up the things you dreamed about when you really don't have to.

Reading some of your comments, it seems like there are more issues than merely feeling second best.

I used to feel the same way, but I don't anymore...not sure why. Maybe time helps or maybe not focusing on it helps. But, yeah, DH was already married with a big wedding. I'm not interested in a big wedding and he's been through it, so we just won't ever do that. I did have the same feeling when we had our first child together, but I realized one key thing with my DH, which is usually a source of major frustration, but in this case is a blessing. My DH has the worst memory in the world. No joke. So, he just never really remembered anything pregnancy related. Going through it with him was like going through it with a new dad. So, a lot of experiences feel new to him, even though he's already done it.

If you stay with him, you'll have more time to experience firsts with him and maybe that will help.

Have you ever heard jana kramer's song I got the boy? It is from an ex perspective how she got the boy but the wife got the mAture man. I am a no bio step mom and while the ex caused a number if idsues...  I was jealous of the time of his she got. But I never felt I was second best to.her in any way. He has chosen you... if you are unsure of the status of his current situation...of course make sure but...everyone is going to have experience before us... it in some ways could be reassuring that he might be able to help u through some things because he has done them before. But seriously...if you love him and believe he I loves you... the ex situation shouldn't make you feel less. Now of course having a step kid means some level of ex in your life

But that doesnt cheapen your relationship 

I was foolish to believe a family of ours could ever compare to precious, all time consuming stepson. 

Sadly I'm being haunted by  a BM who never stops harassing.

So, the issue is not just about your milestones as a couple. If he is making you feel second best because he spends all of his time on his son or dealing with BM, that is something else altogether.

Nope. Because every milestone is an us. Our first anniversary he literally have me a note in a bottle because it was the "paper" anniversary. It was the sweetest thing.

Make your own firsts. Because it's a first for you two together!!! My DH was my first everything (will continue to be so), and while we've had our struggles (a TON of them... You can ask anyone on here... lol) I've never felt like our firsts aren't special. All any of their "firsts" represent are a failed relationship. Our firsts represent two people who are in love.

As stepparents there's already a LOT of time spent dwelling on "what ifs" if you dwell too far on "not being first" it'll be overwhelming. Think of it differently. You may not have been his first, but you sure as he!! could be his last. And that means so much more.

Psycho harrasses us all the time. Why? Because she's an insecure crazy person. Ignore the wh0re. Vent here when she really gets to you and work things out with your DH. Just because she's a harassing loon, doesn't mean you can't enjoy your firsts with your DH.

It sounds like the root of all these issues is your perception that if his EX had not discarded him.. he would still be with her and you are only there because she dumped him... a poor excuse for a consolation prize.. the 2nd place trophy.. etc...

A 2nd and equally worrisome issue is that you don't entirely TRUST that he is being honest with you about when they actually split and think there may even to this day still be something between them.

Now.. this could be a reality.. or it could be "all in your head".

There are two ways to view this.. the emotional side.. but also the fact based and logical side.

1.  Why do you think that he would have rather had her?  Did he actually tell you this?  Does he still tell you this.. I mean literally.. not in round about ways that you read into things...like his knowledge about labor..    orrrrrr... is this perhaps coming from interactions with outside and not entirely impartial sources?

Does his mom tell you these things?  Maybe other relatives that might have been "team BM" during their split? Do you think that perhaps what they are saying isn't really true and just designed to get your goat and hurt you and drive you away.. they could be absolute lies.

2.  So.. what if when you were first dating he was maybe still seeing both of you.. but he is not really wanting to admit it... Ultimately he chose not only to continue dating you... but marry you.  Doesn't that speak volumes as to what he truly wants? 

3.  Maybe he doesn't miss her.. but I think a lot of people mourn a failed relationship a little.. even if they know it wasn't a good one for them.  But.. again .. he chose you.

4.  Why did you marry someone if you were so sure their heart wasn't available for you?  If you truly feel that he isn't in love with you.. do yourselves both a favor and make a break so you can both pursue what you want.

In the end.. you both have to be honest with each other.. and if you can't get past his past.. it's not fair to punish him for something he can't control.

I find it best to NOT concentrate on "firsts". After all, there are MANY firsts that I did not have with my DH (or vice versa). First kiss, first dance, first love, first loveR, first car, etc...

Instead, I consider the things in which I will be LAST. DH's last wife, last kiss, last lover. We will grow old(er) and gray(er) together. Enjoy retirement (hopefully!). Take dream vacations together. Regardless of what DH did first with someone else, I'm his final choice for the rest (and best) of his life.

You know I experienced this too and struggled but honestly my mom gave me some good talking too. He may have had those experiences but they were not with the right person. So even though he got to experience them it’s completely different when you experience it with the right person. I am sure he is being genuine when he gets excited about these experience because to him they are different. Don’t deprive yourself of these times or don’t do something because of that. When it’s with the right person who loves you and values you it’s completely different and I think we can all relate to that. Hoping this helps *biggrin*

I have never felt or been made to feel 2nd best. Although I was my H's 1st marriage and he had kids before our child together everything we did was like our 1st time. It was our 1st time together and it was a different experience. We truly enjoyed each other's company and what the other had to offer. Everything was fun, not forced, it came naturally.

Unless he's actively making you feel this way by pointing things out and making a big deal out of it I think its truly your perception of it. Your relationship is what you both make it ,whether he's been there or done that before, its not the case with you so make it memorable and fun. Create new memories and don't focus so much on whether he's done it before or not. Look at it as a new chapter in both of your lives where you can make it however you see fit. The more you focus on what he had and did with the ex, it will only diminish what you want and are trying to create with him.

it took a lot of time and internal work, because at first I really did have an issue with his "past". I do not have my own children and really resent her for having been able to, and felt really bad that he had them with her and not me.

- It sounds like there are other issues at play here, rather than "Firsts". Please elaborate. From your comments, you think that there was/is an over lap between you and BM. Not trusting him is a root cause of your "meh". I also had this problem, because now-DH was separated and "going through the transition", meaning they were still hanging out, while he and I were getting to know each other, and they were still physically intimate. I had not known this until a few months after he and I decided to be together in a relationship.

- He talks down to you, it sounds like from your comments. He is dismissive of you, and you interpret him as being phony about your relationship, which is another root cause of your "Meh". I do not have this problem, DH and I are respectful, but we have things to work on. He is very loving and kind. If something is ridiculous, he notes it, but about someone's pregnancy, he doesnt downgrade someone elses experiences. That would cause me to pause...

- The All cosuming SS? So you are being made to feel like you are last on the list above SKid and BM, is my guess from that brief comment. That also would be a root cause of your "Meh". DH puts our relationship first, puts me first. We have  along history and have had long discussions. But thats the short version.

I would suggest couples/marriage counseling.