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Pregnant in a step family.

inyoureyesIcaughtfire's picture

Submitted by inyoureyesIcaug... on Wed, 09/26/2012 - 7:38pm

Before I found out I was pregnant, the whole step mom thing was a little easier to handle. Now that my boyfriend and I are expecting a little girl of our own, I can't stand my two year old step daughter. I'm sick of constantly being put second to her and I'm sick of my needs not being as important as hers. If I try to talk to my boyfriend about this, obviously he takes everything I say about his precious child the wrong way and never really takes my feelings into consideration. I always thought pregnancy would be a beautiful experience with someone who was just as excited and scared as I was about the new baby. With my boyfriend, however, I feel like our baby could never hold a candle to his first born and we will always come second to him. I feel hurt and pushed aside when really all I want is reassurance that my unborn daughter and I ARE special to him. I'm so beside myself with despair and anguish that I've been considering putting my child up for adoption because I can't handle any of this with, or without, my boyfriend.

Has anyone been in this position before? How do you cope?!

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Not_Having_Fun's picture

Submitted by Not_Having_Fun on Wed, 09/26/2012 - 9:14pm

I recently posted a blog titled 'Resentful First Time Mum'.

I have struggled with the resentment I feel. I have a SD9 that we have custody of 50/50. I recently gave birth to my son with DH, my first child & his second. I really find myself resentful of a lot of the 'first time moments' & special moments not seeming so special due to SD. I feel like DH has already done these things & it's not the same feeling for him. In saying that my DH is just wonderful with BS & loves him to bits & is excited about him. I just hate that SD is there sharing what I feel are MY moments as a first time Mum or overshadowing them with trying to make things about her. I just want these times to be shared with just DH & I. I've realised that this isn't possible & I have to accept that I am part of a blended family with SD. I won't lie & say it doesn't hurt or get me down at times but its reality & I have to accept it. If I spend these special times resentful & with my thoughts consumed of how much I hate SD being a part of things & me 'missing out' I'm going to have only sour memories & I will only make it worse for myself. I guess I just suck it up with SD & concentrate on enjoying my time. This will only happen ONCE, I will never be a first time Mum again & I'm not going to let that be spoiled. My DH doesn't Disney Dad SD & doesn't treat me as if I come second so I don't have that to deal with. If I felt that way then I don't know that I could suck it up & all of what I've said.

Talk to DH, I know you say you've tried but you must try again & make him realise that you all need to be treated equally & that you don't want to come second & you definitely don't want your baby to be second either. It needs to be equal. If you don't feel he's willing to listen & change then he won't. You will have to think about what you want. Giving your baby up for adoption isn't going to make him treat you any better, it's not going to make him stop doting on your SD & forgetting about you, it just gives him more freedom to keep doing what he is. You need more from him not to give up your baby. IMHO I would leave him before I put the baby up for adoption - it's his behaviour that is hurting you & it's not going to stop by giving up your baby. Think about what's important to YOU & what YOU need & want. This is such a special time & don't let the time be ruined & you are left to look back with hurt & regret. Enjoy your time starting now & get rid of the hurt you have. Your BF needs to step up or get out.

Annanymous's picture

Submitted by Annanymous on Thu, 09/27/2012 - 12:32am

I had some of that "firsts" feelings too, and I am raising my SD as my own. DH, however, has been extremely awesome making me feel special and the baby special, so we together as a team try to reassure SD that she too is/was special.

Even when the same two people have a second baby together, that child is still just as special as the first one. Being close in age, they will have the opportunity to be really close siblings.

Just talk to your DH/SO/BF about having insecurity feelings, using "I" statements rather than "you did/didn't..." to help keep him from going on the defensive. Let him know how you think SS is GREAT and all, just you need a bit of attention to make you feel like this baby is special to him too.

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

Submitted by RainbowsAndDaisies on Thu, 09/27/2012 - 7:18am

Putting your needs second is what parenting is 90% of the time. Just think of it as good practice.

roter's picture

Submitted by roter on Sat, 11/02/2013 - 2:45am

I say about his precious child the wrong way and 640-875 never really takes my feelings into consideration. I always thought pregnancy would be a beautiful experience with someone who was just as excited and scared as I was about the new baby. With my boyfriend, however, I feel like our baby could never hold a candle to his first born and we will always come second to him. I feel hurt and pushed aside when really all I want is reassurance that my unborn daughter and I ARE special to him. I'm so beside myself with despair and anguish that I've been considering putting my child up for 640-875 examcollection adoption because I can't handle any of this with, or without, my boyfriend.