Am I overreacting or is this child being set up for failure?
My BF of over 3 years has a 9 year old son from a prior relationship that we have every second weekend and for multiple extended visits during the summer and holidays. Over the years I have noticed some behavioural problems and to be honest, I'm never around other kids his age enough to know if they are normal but basically here are the things I've noticed:
1. He argues with adults (not just his dad and I, even other adults like friends of ours). He will think he's right about something and actually say "no no no, this is how it is.." This is very frustrating and I've told him multiple times that I'm an adult and I know what I'm saying is right and that it's disrespectful for him to argue with any adults for that matter.
2. He has melt downs and cries when things don't go the way he wants them to (I think this might be normal behaviour not sure though..)
3. He does not play fair with other kids (even kids younger than him). I have seen him get mad about little toddlers getting to do things before him and also seen him not share with toddlers but then expect to play with their things. Something tells me this is NOT normal behaviour for someone of his age but again I could be wrong..
Other than those things, he is pretty good for the most part. But atleast one of these things happens on a daily basis when he's here visiting us.
These are two other things I've noticed that worry me a lot especially with him going back to school and being around other kids who may notice and pick on him:
1. We went to the store yesterday to buy him new shoes for school and I was wandering off in another section browsing and when I came back, him and his dad seemed to be arguing. It turns out he does not know how to tie his shoes!! His dad kept saying "well I saw him tying his shoes four years ago, I know he could before".. well how does he just forget? We tried to teach him but he kept getting frustrated and arguing with us about it. (How common is it for an 8 year old to not know this yet? I tied my own shoes prior to even going to school but again, not around kids often enough to tell if this is common or not)
2. He doesn't know how to ride a bike without training wheels. I have actually tried to teach him myself, riding on the bike with him infront of me or pushing him, but since we don't have him full time and don't even have his bike most of the time we have him, I feel like this is something his mom should be teaching him.
I need some help here.. am I overreacting about the above? I can't help but feel a little angry at his mom because I feel like this is something she should be ensuring that he learns especially considering his age. Is it possible she's trying to teach him but he's just too defiant when it comes to being told how to do things? Is there anything I can do to address these issues while he's here?
It honestly makes me sad and scared that he is going to get picked on and keep losing self confidence because he doesn't have these skills yet. I'm pregnant with my first child and I guess I also want to make sure this doesn't become an issue for her when she gets older as well..
Sounds like fairly typical
Sounds like fairly typical behaviors from a kid his age, especially if he's an only child. He may need a little better socialization, or he could just be a little awkward.
I think you're being a little judgy of mom.
I'm sure you'll do it better with your own child. It's your first, right?
Yes it is my first. But
Yes it is my first. But frankly these aren't things only I have noticed or commented on. My BF's own family as well as several family friends when out camping have expressed concerns about it. So no it isn't just an attack on his mom.
Just some advice--you could
Just some advice--you could follow it or not follow it, it'd up to you. But your DH should probably follow this:
1. The arguing needs to stop BUT it does not mean he cannot question. I think the easiest way to go about this (and create a child who is independently inquisitive) is that every time he argues with and adult about something, you guys consult google or wikipedia. Maybe he's right sometimes, maybe he's not, but this will show him he needs to fact check before arguing. Then work on the idea that people don't like it when others argue and tell them what/how it's going to be (I suspect either his mother or father has these tendencies that he's modeling.) It should be: We can have a calm discussion and look things up together, but the moment you argue with me, I walk away.
2. Crying and stuff does happen, even at 9, and sometimes occurs because of hormones getting ready for puberty. Unless he does this all the time and in public, I would not be too concerned.
3. He was not taught how to share or be empathetic, so someone needs to teach him this--via "To make friends, we share, and we share like this." But you know the most important model of sharing is his parents--if they share with him and the people around them without being prompted, he will pick that up. If they constantly tell him "No you can't have this because it's mine" for something he wants (like cake, or candy) he's not going to do it. As parents, it's our job to model desirable behavior--we can say it all we want, but modeling and explaining (Here sweetheart, have some of my cake/candy/milkshake, I want to share this with you because I love you) is the most effective way.
The other stuff below about shoes and the bike. Please don't take this the wrong way but not your problem. However, the fact that your BF gives in to arguing with him doesn't help him learn these skills happily, and only more resistant. Positive reinforcement is important in teaching anything.
So I guess I may be just
So I guess I may be just overreacting then..
The reason why I wanted to post this is because it was something that concerned me and seeing as no, I am not a parent yet, I don't have any clue if these things are normal. All I know is what the behavior I've seen from other kids which has not been the same but I do know every child is different and of course they probably have their behavioural issues behind closed doors as well.
I kept stopping myself from asking because I do feel guilty in a way asking because I feel like maybe it is me judging his behaviour too harshly and possibly being a bit harsh towards the mom as well. If it's not my place to try to help him correct these behaviours, I'll just ignore it from now on and hope that his parents help him.. I'll have my own little one to worry about soon enough and I do not expect to be a perfect parent by any means so I'm sure I'll be back asking about her too when I come across these things.
My SS is 9 and can't tie his
My SS is 9 and can't tie his own shoes. It's laziness.
Same as mine. He didn't want
Same as mine. He didn't want to learn and he saw his grandfather had those lock-laces then forget it and they got my husband n uncles on board on that too. To those lazy guys lock-laces are the best thing ever invented in this world. LOL
A.
Thanks for your comments
Thanks for your comments everyone..
I do feel kind of guilty for even wondering about these things but seriously they are the only problems. Other than those moments, he is a great kid and he's smart in school so I guess that's why not being able to tie his shoes was such a shock to me. Laziness would make more sense..