Am I being selfish and does anyone else have issues with DH dividing his time?
Need some advise!!! DH and I have been together for 4 years and married for 1 1/2. I have 3 skids SD13, SS11 and SD7. DH and I also have a 12 month old BD together. DH works 8am-4pm mon-fri and isn't required to work any overtime unless he volunteers (he rarely works over his 40 hrs). I am a stay at home to our BD1 and I also keep skids every other week through the summer and any other week days we have them such as school vacations or holidays. DH is very involved in skids activities. DH coaches football, is scout leader, coaches softball and attends every possible activity including practices. Typically this isn't a problem but this summer BM has skids signed up for a ton of stuff. DH and I live 25 minutes away from skids and a lot of times DH will just stay at work until its time for the activity to start bc it's to much to drive all the way home and then turn around and drive back to town ( DH works in same city kids live in). Last week DH was gone every evening attending something for skids. Well last night he came home before SD7's softball practice was supposed to start. This was her 2nd practice this week so I asked if he could skip practice and stay home and spend time with BD1 and myself. He told me he really needed to be at practice bc SD7 was expecting him. I told him to go ahead. I wasn't angry but was a little disappointed. DH leaves and goes to practice and when he gets home the first thing he says to me is "please don't be mad". He proceeds to tell me that sd7 never showed up for practice and that he would have left but he had already offered to help the coach bc they were short handed. I told him I wasn't mad at him but wanted to know why BM hadn't told him they wouldn't be there. He said he text BM about 20 minutes into practice asking where they were but didn't get a reply until practice was over. BM said that she had an appointment that ran over and they couldn't make it o practice and that she had forgotten to let DH know. Ok seriously!!!!! First of all, if we did this to her when we had skids all hell would break loose!!! Secondly, DH has spent every evening this week with skids and the one night he could have stayed home to spend time with BD1 she "forgets" to inform him. I'm so sick of BM doing crap like this. She puts huge guilt trips on DH if he doesn't show up but then knowing that DH will be there she conveniently forgets to inform him that SD won't be. I was already having some issues with him being gone every evening but this just sent me over the edge! I should mention that I also attend some of these things with DH but don't feel it's necessary to be at all of them nor is it fair to BD1 to drag her out every evening and try to contain her while DH watches skids. I should also mention that BM is psycho and manipulative. Every thing she does she has an agenda for. She does not want DH spending time with BD1 and has told him numerous times that skids should always be more important than BD1 because they were here first. BD1 is a daddy's girl big time. I don't feel that she should have any more time with DH than skids do but right now she's not getting almost anytime at all. By the time DH gets home each night it's almost time for her to go bed. DH says that since she lives here full time she gets more time than skids but I don't think it should count if she is sleeping. She needs one on one interaction with her daddy! DH is a wonderful man and he really tries to do what right and be fair to all his kids. BM knows exactly how to work him and she does it constantly. However, DH will not stand up to her and allows her to keep doing this. I love being a SAH mom but it does get lonely being here all day with no adult interaction. I miss DH when he's gone and want him to be home in the evening. Am I being selfish to ask him to only go to skids activities a few nights a week? Even if he just skipped 2 days a week I would be thrilled. I don't want skids to be disappointed that he isn't there but in all honesty I don't think thy would mind if BM wasn't telling them how awful it is that he didn't show up and that it's bc he cares more about BD1 than he does them. Grrrrrrrrrr........I hate having to deal with this! Idk even know how I'm supposed to feel!!! Any advice would be appreciated! I'm sorry to ramble so much I just don't know what to do!
i think i'm stalking you
i think i'm stalking you today! tog is right on! if your dh won't set boundaries with bm regarding this, i'd have ALOT of problems with my marriage. gonna require making waves, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
Thank you!!! I completely
Thank you!!! I completely agree! There were 6 kids in my family and I was the only girl. All 6 of us played sports. It wasn't humanly possible for our parents to attend all of our events. They never came to any practices and we never expected them to. They came to the games if they could but that wasn't always possible either and we understood that! I have been battling my feelings about DH attending all skids events for quite sometime now. I was afraid that I would be considered selfish or that people would think that I don't want DH involved in skids lives. That's not the case at all though, I just don't think he needs to be gone every evening attending practices that even BM doesn't attend, DH and I start counseling next Thursday and this is at the top of my list of things to talk about! Hopefully things will change after that! Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post!!!!
It is STUPID STUPID STUPID
It is STUPID STUPID STUPID
1. To go to every practice and game.
2. To listen to anything BM has to say.
Why does he let her guilt him? Why does he care more about her opinion of him than your opinion of him?
Just because BM wants her kids with him to be numero una - he is shortchanging your child? What is wrong with him. He's either a big mangina or has not gotten over BM or both.
^^This
^^This
I have really struggled with
I have really struggled with the way he chooses to satisfy her over me. I honestly dont think it has anything to do with him having feelings for BM. He despises her! Of course she slept with his cousin while they were married and then went on to have a baby with DH unaware of the numerous affairs! When he finally found out the truth he Also discovered that SD7 might not be his. He refuses to do a paternity test bc he has been the only father she knows and he says it doesnt matter now bc he loves her regardless! Then when DH and BM were going through their divorce he refused to return the skids to her at the end of one of his visits because he was concerned for their safety (BM was with a man that was involved in illegal activity and eventually arrested). BM freaked out and called the cops. Cops said they couldn't do anything bc there wasn't a custody agreement in place yet. BM then goes to the courthouse and files a protective order against DH claiming that he raped her and threatened to burn down their house with her and kids inside.....all a lie!!!!. A temporary protective order was granted for her and skids until they could go to court over it. BM was able to prolong going to court for almost 6 months and DH wasn't allowed to see skids at all during that time. Once it was time to go to court BM dropped the entire thing and it was never brought up again. DH is terrified she will do something like this again. No one ever questioned her about it last time and just took her word for it! She thinks she is invincible and DH seems to agree! He is literally terrified of her! Both of our families and I have tried to tell him that things are different now. People know how she is now, we have a way better attorney now than he did back then, he has won in court against her and the judge has called her out on other lies, and she knows that she can't get away with all her crap in court! Unfortunately she also knows that as long as they stay out of the court room and away from the attorneys, she can play him like a fiddle! I'm hoping and praying that this counseling were getting ready to start will help to change this bc if not.......well we aren't going to last! I love the man with all my heart and I know he loves me too but he feels like he has to keep everyone happy and that's just not possible! I've asked him why he will upset me to make her happy sometimes and he says its because he knows he can always make it right again with me and I will forgive him but she will hold it against him forever and make his life hell! Gee thanks! Glad you can take my forgiving nature and the fact that I love you and use them as an excuse to please your ex! Ugggggggg!!!!!!!! Divorce sucks, step parenting sucks, ex's suck...the whole situation just sucks!!! What's even worse is knowing that even we ended up divorced our BD1 would still be stuck dealing with skids BM! Seems like there's no right answer other than to never ever get with someone that has kids from a previously relationship! I should have listened to my mom when she said to run the other way as fast as I can after he asked me out the first time!
Wow, your story is so similar
Wow, your story is so similar to mine! I would love to chat more! My family is everything to me and I will fight with everything I have to save my marriage and my family. I see how hard it is for my skids and everyone else in involved to work with this situation (divorce, blended family, only getting x amount of time with half sister (my BD) and trying to please BM and DH) and I don't want BD to have to go through that too. However, I also dont want her to feel less important! i understand that DH feels like he owes it the skids to be there more because of the situation. He seems to have a need to over compensate skids for the situation. it sounds like your in the same boat! My DH also fought hard for 50/50 custody of skids and lost. BM is required to consult DH before signing skids up for anything as well as notify him about anything involving skids but of course she doesn't do that! It is such a difficult situation! I'm so thankful that DH realizes that we need counseling and is willing to do that. I'm anxious to go to our first appointment which is this coming Thursday! It sucks having to consider becoming a single mom. I will do everything in my power to avoid it but if it ends up being what's best for BD then its what I will do! Only time will tell! Thank you for responding to my post! It's nice to know that I'm not alone!!
At 11? Neither parent really
At 11? Neither parent really needs to be at practice. And the coach probably prefers they not be. Games? It's great if parents can make as many as possible. But it's not always possible.
ETA - missed that it was the 7yo's practice. At 7... eh... probably a parent should be hanging around. But it's not necessary 100% of the time.
Wow, I feel for you.
Wow, I feel for you. Although my situation is completely different from yours there are some feelings and similarities that I can relate to.
I am nearly 4 months pregnant with our first child (SD12 is his ex g/f's daughter whom he considers as his own as he has been the only father figure in her life), having said that, I don't consider her to be his daughter, and he knows that and doesn't like it. But it's how it's how I feel.
Anyway we had a huge argument where I basically packed my bags and left (I was 8 weeks pregnant)and he came running after me in the street. I told him in no uncertain terms that I was sick of being less important than SD12, and practically ignored when she is around and acting like 'mini-wife'. I gave up my life, my friends, my job to come to another country to be with him, and I expect to be treated better. I told him that I should come first, our child second and SD12 third, or whomever he wishes to come next, but SD12 should NEVER come before me and his biokid. I will never tolerate our child questioning why SD12 gets all the attention and is loved more than them. He knows this, and whilst things with SD12 are not perfect and he still puts her needs before mine at times, I'll be damned if I let him do that when our child is born.
I've told him that he just a glorified baby sitter to the child. He is the one that initiates contact with SD12, the mother only contacts him when she needs someone to look after her. I have told him this and his response is he doesn't care, she is his daughter and if that's the only way he gets to see her then he is happy to be a 'glorified babysitter' as I put it. He is scared of rocking boat with BM because he has no legal right over the girl and she once withheld him from seeing her for months, and it broke his heart, so now he gets to see her, he won't rock the boat, even if it means putting BM/SD12 before me. As I said I will put up with it, but I will never put up with it for my child. I figure he has 5 months to sort himself out in regards to SD12, because after that, I will not put up with any crap. But I can imagine that like your DH, he will think that as biokid sees him everyday, he is entitled to put SD12 first for at least one day. The problem is SD12 comes first not just on visit days, but he doesn't seem to understand.
I think these men know what they are doing but they are so guilt driven, and keen to please (my SO is a people pleaser too), he will do what is asked of him by BM, SD12, MIL, his sister etc, just not me. I really hope that counselling works for you guys, and he sees your point of view. I hope he spends more quality time with BD1 and with you. Just because he has 3 other kids with another women doesn't mean he should treat you and BD1 any less. Put your foot down and guide him
Best of luck.
Good for you. But I bet in
Good for you. But I bet in your case nature will take over and he won't allow anything come before his natural child when born. Its a whole new ballgame being involved from birth
Thanks Cocoa. I hope you are
Thanks Cocoa. I hope you are right, but we will see. He's been in SD12 life since she was two, so I'm not so sure, but here's hoping.
sounds like you're living as
sounds like you're living as a single parent. You can do that single
Oy, no, it's not just you.
Oy, no, it's not just you. I'd be really hurt and angry too. It sounds to me, on the surface anyway, that the bio mom is purposely keeping schedules nice and tight knowing your DH will run around like mad to attend everything which will leave no time for you and his youngest child. Very smart on Bio's mom and boo on your DH for not seeing it.
I -would talk to your DH about making time for you and baby too because while its admirable for him to attend all these activities for his kids, he's leaving a kid out. Just because your baby is young doesn't make it OK to not spend time with her and time with you. If Bio mom is putting the kids in all these organized sports and activities I would leave it to her to get them there with some help from DH but not leave the onus on him because guaranteed she knows damn well it doesn't leave time for you and she's hoping to perhaps start a rift if she keeps dictating how your DH spends all his evenings...