Advice to a SMOM2B
I am engaged to a wonderful man with an 11 year old biological son from his previous marriage. I am cordial to friendly with his ex-wife, but I am very suspicious about her financial intentions towards us as we proceed to our marriage.
During his marriage, my FI was the house husband and his wife was the primary bread winner. From my understanding, although she initially wanted my FI to be the one to quit his job and raise their son, she later resented him for not bringing home as much as she did. Her final ultimatum to him was to bring in XX amount of dollars by XX date or he needed to move out.
After my FI and his ex-wife(BM) filed for divorce but before it was instated, my FI received an inheritance and BM wanted to seek council with her lawyer because she felt as though FI didn't declare all of his assets. (She may have been within her right, but the point I am trying to make here is that she is very particular about money).
BM initially sought future support if one of FI's inventions became profitable, but FI's lawyer objected to that saying that when she gave up on him as a husband she lost stake in his future dreams. My FI waived his right to spousal support but was awarded child support as part of the divorce. BM stopped paying the month I moved in without seeking a reduction or elimination from the court. (I moved my belongings and stayed with FI for 2.5 months between being sent off for training to another country for 1 year, basically until we get married). BM didn't start back her child support payments after I moved myself (but not my belongings) out.
I currently make more money than both my FI and BM individually and together, but I also have more debt than them combined. While I don't mind contributing to the care of my SS2B, I want it to be on my own terms. From my reading on this site, it seems as there might not be anything I can do to arrange that other than not get married. Am I right?
My contract from my current employer ends a month after we are married. I am thinking of starting a non-profit at that time. I plan to withdraw from my retirement accounts to pay off debt. If I have an award from a court based on my current salary, I will be forced to find a job and work, altering my career path.
I realize that my situation is a lot less stressful than other SMOMS and SMOMS2B, but I would appreciate advice on what to expect, what to watch out for, how to plan, and how to best protect my career aspirations and dreams.
Don't marry him...I regret it
Don't marry him...I regret it since BM was able to sue us for CS and able to see out tax returns. We now file separately. Technically they are not supposed to use our income, but they still can see our tax returns if we file jointly. We also have a really tight prenup and strong wills to protect against BM...But, honestly if I had known she was going to come after us for money, I would have kept it separate.
Also, I have a son who will need financial aid and DH's income affects that even though we have separate finances.
Wow, Jasmon! I was really
Wow, Jasmon! I was really shocked by your response, but I asked and really do appreciate your honest opinion. I want it straight so keep it coming ladies.
You wrote, "But, honestly if I had known she was going to come after us for money, I would have kept it separate." To what does it refer? What would you have kept separate?
First of all, how committed
First of all, how committed is he to YOU. Is he willing to take BM to court to force her to live up to her financial responsibilities with the child? It sounds like he has sole custody. Is that the case?
Have you read their DD and know all the particulars in it?
I would at LEAST make damn sure you know EVERYTHING before you would get into that marriage. AND like jsmom says FILE SEPARATELY
@skylarksms, You have called
@skylarksms,
You have called me out and ask a very good question in regards to how committed my FI is to me. Let me answer your follow up questions first, and then I will get to that.
I met my FI when he was going through his divorce. At that time he offered me the opportunity to read his divorce papers, and I declined. At the time, I knew he liked me, but I still saw him as a friend, and I didn't want to be involved in his divorce at all because of his feelings for me.
After reading this forum over the last two weeks, I asked my FI to bring the divorce papers with him to Thanksgiving dinner. I sat and read the entire packet from cover to cover including the parenting plan. My FSS had mentioned to me when his dad and I first started dating that his mom had to pay his dad $XXX/month until he turns 18, which according to the parenting plan he (FSS) should not have been made aware of. When I asked my FI about this, FI told me that BM didn't have the cash to buy him out of the house so she had to refi and the additional monthly payment is probably to what he (FSS) is referring.
When I read the DD, however, I realized that my FSS's earlier statement was correct. His mom does have a CS order until he is 18 or is emancipated, whichever comes first. So I asked my FI about it, and he said, "No, not until he's 18; I stopped receiving payments a while ago." So he logged into his bank account to verify, and he stopped receiving payments in March. I asked him whether he thought it was a coincidence that I started moving my belongings in that month and he said he honestly didn't know. He said to me unprompted, "I'll call her, and ask her why she stopped payments". I told him to wait until I see the lawyer about prenups/wills because I wasn't sure if this was a game move on her part. Bad advice?
My FI also brought his last will and testament. I didn't get a chance to read it. After reading the divorce decree, I needed a break and ran out of time while we were together, but plan to read it over Christmas break. What I did learn is that he never changed his will after they divorced. I meant to ask him why not? It just seems that he would do that with the divorce, but I don't know.
We were planning to make wills over this Christmas so I think this will take care of both of those things.
My FI has joint custody, physical and ??? (I don't remember the second kind) but two types of joint custody were mentioned in the decree. Basically, FSS Spends W,Th and every other F,Sa,Su with his dad (us after the wedding) and M,T and every other F,Sa,Su.
Thanks for the heads up about filing separately. I possibly would have filed jointly to get the HH exemption.
So now back to your original question, how committed is he? I think he is still showing me everyday. I find sometimes I have to call him out on things that I feel that he should just be aware of. But, when I do call something to his attention, he usually responds and takes to action. Overall, I feel good about my relationship with FI and FSS. We are not without our share of problems, but no disasters currently. And, I'm on this page trying to keep it that way. So ask away and give more advice!!!! Please!!!!!!
This JUST happened to my
This JUST happened to my uncle. His ex-wife took him back to court and he and his "new" wife were both factored in ( I believe they also filed jointly). His monthly payments went up $800 a month. Do as much research as you can (every state differs a little) to protect yourself and your new family. We haven't had any issues yet with BM, but we file and keep our finances separate.