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Adult Teens & Work

failuretolaunch's picture

Submitted by failuretolaunch on Tue, 06/08/2021 - 11:17am

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Me Again Smile

Thought I would post this so I can get some perspective and some, not sure how to put it, but ways of addressing the excuses I'm possibly going to get from the BM.

So. I've been biding my time and just felt like the time has come to slowly bring up my concerns. I've waited for about 4 weeks now and I am very aware that I am impatient.SK1 has now finished education and doesn't want to go to uni yet, he might not even go, who knows. He is very clever when he can be bothered.

I've just txt my partner this....

'I just need to say this gently, I don't want a discussion or an argument about it, but when will you be making SK1 get a job. He has been in bed all day and most of the week and it will soon not be acceptable unless he pays his way or goes to uni. It saddened me to see you scrub the paint off the floor yesterday when you got back from an exausting day, he was supposed to do it, and to see you bringing dishes from his room and emptying and loading the dishwasher when he had sat around all day and then goes out before you come home. I'll leave it at that for now, but I'm not going to leave it alone'

I don't want to talk to her in person about it yet, because I know it just leads to arguments, so I put it in a txt and then just leave it. I will sit her down at some point but personally I've learnt it is just better this way.

I just want thoughts because I know this is going to be possibly met with resistance unless she is on the same page as me which is basically, if you don't work, you clean the house, you do the dishwasher, you can pick up your younger siblings from school. She says that he has to volunteer if he doesn't work but I just laugh inside when I hear her say these things which she never follows through on. That is the major problem I have, she never follows through or has any idea how to sort them out.

Would love thoughts. I'm I being harsh, is my message horrible? Need thoughts an opinions so that if I am told it is (which I don't think it is) I can have an arsenal of reponses for her.

 

Thanks

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Tue, 06/08/2021 - 12:34pm

I see nothing wrong with communicating in writing if that works for you two. Personally I also see that your message is very well thought out and phrased in a way to show that you are not just thinking about your own needs and wishes but your wife's too. Your next conversation could also pick up  on the benefit to your SS to learn how to be an adult and contribute to the household and his future through doing general chores and work or education. 

If I got this message from my husband I would think it over and then hopefully we could have a good conversation about it to work out a way forwards that works for both of us. 

However......your wife has not shown a history of following through or pushing her son so I would not be surprised if you end up in the same place as before no matter how well you phrase your thoughts and your requests. 

You can see it through and cross your fingers that this time she sees the light, but I wouldn't hold my breath. Have you two tried couples therapy?

failuretolaunch's picture

Submitted by failuretolaunch on Tue, 06/08/2021 - 1:08pm

I did say to her the other day that couples counselling. I was actually refusing (but then gave in) to talk to her about stuff because I just think we can't talk to each other without it ending in an argument or as I believe her deflecting stuff back onto me....So my new tactic now is either just communicating when she doesn't expect it via txt or if I have an issue I will be saying can we go to the pub please, I need to talk to you, because both of us have to sit and listen calmly to each other, the only thing we can do is walk off. Which won't be me and it won't be her, so we have to sit and listen to each other.

failuretolaunch's picture

Submitted by failuretolaunch on Tue, 06/08/2021 - 12:51pm

'If I got this message from my husband I would think it over and then hopefully we could have a good conversation about it to work out a way forwards that works for both of us'

That's what I hope. We shall see. I think since I've disengaged more she is getting more and more pssied off by the situation but she internalises it. I've, as childish as it sounds, already told her that if she doesn't sort him out I will be on strike. I look after most of the household stuff at the moment as I work from home. I take care of my kids, homeschooling during covid, cooking cleaning and trying to do my work/stuff, I used to cook for hers. If she can't sort this out then I am on strike because it is the only thing I have left to make her understand. Lets hope it doesn't come to that, but I am very much prepared.

 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Thu, 06/10/2021 - 2:15pm

I probably would just mow through it instead of the "couching approach".

Your kid needs to be an independant contributor to our household and he needs and I need for you to support that.There needs to be action going forward.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Wed, 06/09/2021 - 9:53am

Just for some perspective (I don't think what you wrote is bad at all) - My SS21 is Autistic, he will never live on his own. He gets help from the state for a job and had a job coach assigned to him to help him. 

Rules for our house, even for a kid with disabilities, is that you work. He works 4 days a week, 4 hr shifts. That is really an emotional max for him. 

He got in trouble for being on his cell phone and got docked 2 work days this week. Since he isn't working, he has to do chores. I have made him pull weeks in the flower bed, do some of the bulk laundry (towels and sheets), dust the baseboards around the house, etc. 

There is nothing wrong with expectations for your kids and those just launching into adulthood!

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 06/09/2021 - 6:23pm

Even for special needs Skidults and kidults.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 06/10/2021 - 12:59pm

The most effective burning platform for launching an uninterested (S)kidult is to turn them into your live in beck and call boy/chore bitch.  Create an extensive chore list and schedule, add to it every few weeks, and get the kid scrubbing, vacuuming, polishing, dusting, mopping, mowing, trimming, edging, cutting, washing, drying, folding, slicing, dicing, chopping, cutting, cooking, serving, cleaning, putting it all away. Then they do it all over again the next day. M-F from the time the first adult in the  house leaves for work until the last adult in the house arrives home from work.  The kid's residence in the family home is day to day and dependant on completion of that day's list of chores.

Eventually they learn that they can earn money for doing the same amount of work in a job.  Once they acheive that epiphany they learn that they have to keep up their chore bitch/beck and call career in the family home after they get home from their job. This drives the launch part as they learn that in their own place they get to decide what they do and when they do it.

Turn up the heat.!

failuretolaunch's picture

Submitted by failuretolaunch on Thu, 06/10/2021 - 1:30pm

My kids. Yes, her kids, it just doesn't seem to be happening. Maybe it wil but I have zero faith which is what frustrates me.

I have been asking her to get him to get keys cut for months now, he actualy went to the hardware store for paint the other day and could have done it then. I have absolutely no idea why she hasn't made him get them now, I'm starting to feel that because I've asked for it, it just not happening. It's not actually about the keys for me, it's actually about parenting and seeing if she can get him to do it and follow through. This is what I've constantly said to her, she might ask him to do something, but never keeps on top of him or follows through.

I came home last night around midnight to find the door left open as SK2 had asked Sk1 to leave it open for him. He's slept on the steps outside and found him at 3am one day and he wakes up SK1 at gods knows what time to get him to open the door and my partner has to wake me up so I can open the door for her as she's given him her keys.

Do you see what I am facing. Get some F'ing keys cut, not that hard, so I doubt getting him to do chores is going to be her priority. It's madness, absolute madness that has been going on for months now. Me....Go to the shop NOW and get some keys cut...Done!!!