8 Year old SS telling lies about me now!! HELP
Just when I think that things will get better, they always seem to take a turn for the worst! And what’s even more frustrating is knowing as he gets older, the worst has really yet to come!
I have an 8 year old stepson whom in the beginning when he moved in with me (he was 5 years old) was such a nice kid. He used to tell me all the time that he loved me. Give me hugs. It was great. I have a son that is the same age. From the beginning they got along really well too. Too good to be true? Yeah, that all ended really fast.
Long story short, my SS BM is a drug addict/alcoholic/welfare ridden slob who has had my SS taken away from her and her newborn baby (now custody of the state). DH has always had full custody of SS however, but now that SS can’t see his (as he calls her) wonderful beautiful mommy (who has no teeth ~ pretty) he has really been acting out.
He cannot say ANYTHING without “Daddy” being in the sentence. He lets everyone know at all times that he will only speak to DADDY. I hear this in my sleep. It repeats itself in my head all the time. Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy. AH! I have even asked “what do you need buddy” and he will get this really angry look on his face and say “I WANT MY DAD” and he’ll walk away. He’s just constantly nasty to me. And a complete wise guy. He has to talk back constantly anything I say and “explain to me” why his actions were ok and/or what he said. I have tried putting my foot down and it gets me nowhere.
Ok, I brush it off. I have spoken to DH about this several times and it gets us nowhere. He won’t do it in front of DH though. That’s the thing. So I often wonder if DH thinks I am exaggerating or something.
The thing that really gets me is the way he treats my son. He is constantly bullying him and it drives me insane. My son is (not saying this because he is my son) such a sweet kid. He really is. He is extremely immature however and I can see why he would get on SS’s nerves at times but SS is so mean to him. Several times I have found myself punishing my son because I take my anger out on him that I have developed for my SS. It’s not fair to my son!! I’m almost ready to go let my son live with his dad for a little while just so my son can get a break from it but, HE’S MY SON and I really don’t think he should have to not see mommy because his stepbrother is there. SS is really tall for his age and my son is really short for his age so their size difference and maturity levels I’m sure have a lot to do with why SS thinks he can be a bully.
So all of this has been going on for quite a while; here’s the latest. SS has now taken up lying to his father about things that I say (that I do not!) WTF!! I was so pissed off last night!! So here’s what happened. There was no school yesterday because we had an ice storm. My son had spent the night at his fathers so since SS was there, I had to call into work. Ok, fine. Come afternoon, SS’s friends mother called me and asked if SS could go over for a play date. Sure. I arrange it, get off the phone and tell SS (who is addicted to video games btw) that “friend’s” mom is going to pick you up at noon so you can go play with “friend”. He seems excited. Keeps looking out the window waiting. Counting down on the clock. When he left I told him he couldn’t bring his DS. He was going to play with his friend and there is no reason he needed to bring that (needs a break from it is what he needs!). DH comes home later that afternoon, we go to an early dinner and then pick up SS. We had to wait 15 minutes because SS lost his DS games that he brought that he was told not to bring. Finally we leave (still never found the games) and went grocery shopping. Big mistake bringing him there but that’s an entirely different story. We got home, fed him dinner, he went and played for a while. Took his shower and when he got out I heard him ask “DADDY”, can we play monopoly. DH said no, it was almost bedtime. Skip ahead 20 minutes and DH approaches me and asks me why I told SS he HAD to go to “friends” house? I said “had to?”. I never said he HAD to go. I thought he seemed pretty excited when I told him they wanted him to come over. Then it clicked. First of all, he’s mad because HE lost his games and secondly he’s mad because DADDY isn’t playing monopoly with him. So SS comes into the room a few minutes later and I asked him why he told his dad that I said he HAD to go. SS said because you did. I said no I did not and recited our conversation from earlier and he flat out says “you’re lying”. I said excuse me? I said it’s bedtime. Go brush your teeth and when DH got up to put him to bed, they were all lovely and sweet talking and playful. DH never spoke to him about speaking that way to me. I’m sorry, I find something wrong with this. DH rarely punishes or gets stern with him and I refused to be talked to that way! It’s like DH condones that behavior. Meanwhile he is always very quick to raise his voice to my son and it really freaking makes me mad.
So I am lying in bed last night and suddenly realized that this was the forth time SS has done this to me in the past week. I wasn’t really picking up on it before and now I am seeing it. My mother in law told me her now ex SS used to do this to her. I didn’t think an 8 year old could be capable of this sort of destruction. That’s exactly what this is as far as I am concerned. And the fact that it seems to be a new frequent thing, startles me!
All along I have said that SS needs counseling. Because of problems with his BM and things like that I have seen behavioral issues all along, but if you tell DH that SS isn’t perfect, watch out! Because that is all DH hears when you say any negative remarks regarding SS.
Honestly, DH and I have a terrific relationship. When it comes to DH and I we are so happy. I couldn’t imagine not being with him. But I don’t know how to handle these situations. Has anyone ever dealt with this before and if so, how did you deal with or manage it?
Amateur opinion here: He
Amateur opinion here:
He hasn't seen his real mother so he takes out his anger on you, the other mother in his life.
Withdraw. If a friend's mother calls in the future tell her to call your DH at work. He can arrange playdates. Don't do ANYTHING for the boy.
As for your DH, ask him how would he like it if your son talked to him and told DH he was lying.
And as for Le Infant ... the next time he says "You're lying!" Just look at him and say "And what would I get out of lying to your father? I don't lie to your father." And then keep on doing what you are doing, preferably reading a book so you don't have his attention.
What this kid needs is to be taught "Treat me like crap and I will have nothing to do with you. Be nice to me and I am your best friend." It can be done.
I agree with your amateur
I agree with your amateur opinion here oneoffour. I hope that this advice will make a difference in their relationship.
Amateur opinion or not, still
Amateur opinion or not, still nice to hear!! I really do try to do all I can for this kid and I can understand not having his "real mom" (one with vagina) in his life but his behaviour is not going to be tolerated.
What's funny about you saying don't do anything for this kid is when DH and I picked him up last night, DH didn't even go to the door to get him. I did. I make his lunch for school every morning. His breakfast. Lay out his clothes for the day. No appreciation. Thanks for your thoughts! I often wonder if sometims I am being the bad guy here, but I really don't think so!
No you aren't the bad guy
No you aren't the bad guy here. This child is angry because you are doing for him what bm would not and now cannot do. Counselling is also and option ( maybe family counselling so that he doesn't feel singled out )but you have to stick to your guns too. Can you afford a nanny-cam?
Yep, I would not be staying
Yep, I would not be staying home with him on a snow day-let your dh do it. Your story is very similar to mine. Except my bm wasnt as crappy as yours-she never had serious involvment with cps and she did use drugs for awhile but is clean now. She has always seen ss eow. But since he lived with us and I had a dd a year older and a son a year younger I just parented them all together. Wow what a mistake.
Up until about 6-he had behavioral issues, but he was not particuarly hateful to me-at this age he seemed to grasp that bm was his real mommy and he beame pissed. It was the first time he called me a liar. I remember it like it was yesterday even though he is 12 now. We were on vaca and my dh had taken a turn riding go carts with all 3 of the older kids and then I would wait in the arcade with the other kids. I didnt have much money on me so I gave them each like a dollar in quarters. Well, ss insisted on going with dh first, when he got back I gave him his dollar-then when all the kids got done and we were loading up in the car, ss turns to dh and starts whining that he wants to play in the arcade and it was no fair that we came to an arcade and he didnt get to play any games. Dh said, "didnt hismineandours give you money for games?" and ss said, "no, she didnt give me any money!"-my mouth fell open-that he was lying about something I supposedly did right in front of me! I immediately confronted his lying and then it began-dh interjected and said, "oh, maybe ss just forgot that you gave him money" -this set up a pattern that lasted for years-ss lying, me confronting, and dh making excuses.
Please please address this issue right away-this almost ruined our marriage-by the time ss was 9 I seriously thought of leaving dh, but then he was deployed to Iraq and ss moved out. Due to dh being injured and not being released from active duty ss has never been able to come back home and he is no longer invited to do so. My dh had the hardest time believing that his loving child was a habitual liar and a huge manipulator. So he turned it around on me-I wouldnt exactly say he believed ss but it did plant a seed of doubt in his head-he couldnt believe why his sweet son would make things up about me so he always wondered if there was a grain of truth in what he said. It took many years for dh to fully grasp that his son was just making things up about me-but he does finally get it. SS has admitted it as well so the behavior has pretty much stopped but ss still treats me like shit.
I did raise ss as my own so this turn against me broke my heart-dealing with that as well as the blame from dh and bm about did me in.
I am glad that you guys
I am glad that you guys worked out your issues hismineandours, because that is something I have no intention of doing. I am just glad that so far I haven't read anything as ugly as what I have gone through.
This male really thinks that I am going to stay with him and allow his children back in my life. Quite a few chioce words here no.
I think part of the problem
I think part of the problem is when we pick up the slack left by Guilt Daddys and absent (be it physically or empootionally) distant mothers. We KNOW what has to happen. We try to make it all happen. Yet we get no recognition for it.
So why bother? My DH has tried a couple of times to get me to do something for his sons when they have been particularly mean and I just said "No, they can ask their mother." I stood my ground even through the "family together and stop being childish" speech. Sorry, they are YOUR sons and HER sons. And if they goof up or need help and cannot be polite to me and nice then there is no law in the land that says I have to sew on scout patches or run kids here and there. I married you not them. And if you start the "family and stop being childish" speech agian i think it should start at the source. YOur nasty boys. It worked. I only had to do it once. And now I can disengage on a dime and they know it.
I understand what your going
I understand what your going through. My ss17 lies a lot about things, not about me, but about whta he does. He comes and goes as he pleases also. Every time I tried to let my husband know what was going on, all he does is defend him! My huband is widowed and the son looks exactly like the mother. She has been deceased for 7 years now. Have an older ss20 who NEVER acts this way and never did. Husband never let ss20 get away with anything. It's like they have blinders on??? I have always said that all men have a GOLDEN child, my husbands is ss17. No matter what he does or says he is always just perfect! Hes very disrespectful to me and his older brother..and extremely LAZY!! I had to get to the point as others have said to STOP doing anything for him. I don't do his laundry or even cook for him any longer. I stopped cooking for him b/c half the time he wouldn't show up anyway without telling us and it was perfectly fine with my husband. So now any messages or anything my husband need done for ss17 he has to do himself...I'm done until I can get some respect from him. My husband is retired military so this really confuses me?? My oldest ss20, in college, doesn't understand it either, he is an awesome kid...just like my own son! All I can say is STOP doing ANYTHING for the stepson...and I mean anything until he can start behaving and let your husband know what your doing...if your relationship is strong he will get it, and what will happen is that your ss will start treating your husband that way also and then he will really see it...Never take off work...make your husband do it, would he take off work to stay at home with your son?? Good Luck!
No, he wouldn't. And I won't
No, he wouldn't. And I won't ever do it again. It's already been going on for a while now that when I get home from work in the evenings I don't speak a word to SS unless absolutely necessary. DH complained one day about it that he thought I wasn't very "sweet" to stepson. I said why should I be when I don't get it in return. The kid used to mock me when I said hello. Mimmick? Mock? Either way that was enought for me!
I would get him into therapy.
I would get him into therapy. Maybe you guys could do some family sessions too.