Power struggles - men just don't get it
So last night FH's best friend came over..he is older than FH (about my age) and more mature in dealing with women. He had a very messy divorce and regrets things he did and didn't do for his wife.
Anyways, we are talking about the BM and how she affects me which in turn affect my relationship. Well the friend actually understood my point of view and did his best to explain it to FH..it came down to me just saying "It's a woman thing..it's a power struggle between BM and I..and you don't understand". His friend said I hit the nail on the head. He told FH "whether you think the things are petty are not..Kaff is your wife and you need to please her NOT your BM even if it seems like something VERY silly". FH of course said - but she has nothing to struggle over, there is no competition..I want nothing to do with BM can't stand her..I talk to her only about MY SON. I told him I understand that and I've NEVER tried to control or stop that...BUT in little things - like the whole flagging him over on the side of the road..he said "Kaff..if I had let her follow me home and you came home and saw her you would've argue too."
NO! FH I would have made some comments about her..like "fatazz..etc.." but I would not have been MAD at you. I would've been happy you did what I asked..I asked him "babe..would you rather me ssay a few mean things about her than have a good night in the bedroom for making me happy" OR do what SHE wanted and you and I will argue for days over it.
I think he got the pic..
But it IS a power struggle..BM's will ALWAYS try to still hold that power because of the kids..and it's ALWAYS going to happen between women..whether it be BM or anything - women ALWAYS have power struggles.
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Comments
It's good
to hear when another man that is going or has gone thru this processes helps another man in the same situation understand. Your lucky that your FH's friend could try to help your FH see things more clearly.
I totally wish that I had that. I've tried talking to my BF about things like this and he thinks I'm wrong, that even though millions of other people have experienced the same thing he DOES NOT CARE about other people because he is different and does things differently.
He refuses to ever go to counseling. All he sees is things through his point of view.
it is definitely
a power struggle...
I just can't stand the thought of knowing she got her way....
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
Kaff
It is a power struggle, but sometimes the best way to play the game is to not let the game get to you. I THINK - I don't know since I don't have testicles, but I THINK that men HATE HATE HATE when the women in their life argue over little things. Arguing over BIG things - yeah, sure, they'll get it and support you... but only if they don't see it as "just another argument". I'm glad your DH got the picture, but if you can just step back and realize that your DH is somewhat clueless in why something would piss you off.. once in a while, give him the benefit of the doubt and not flip out or make ANY comments, and just be the "cool" woman who isn't threatened by BM because BM is worthless. Not even noticeable enough to warrant a thought or a comment!!! Can you try that? It's HARD. Sometimes I can do it with DH and sometimes I just let it fly on how bad I truly think she is. But I think it's because it's not an every day gripe session on every single thing BM does, that my DH takes it in. It took me a very long time for me to let DH know how much I disliked BM. When I finally said, I hate that woman, he LAUGHED and hugged me and said "see, I'm not crazy".. it was coming from HIM not from me and he was HAPPY that I saw her for what she was.