For those of you who have been struggling imbalance over the stepchildren you might find this quote from the book I am reading very informative. Like many of you, I tried to get husband more involved with the kids, including his own, asking him what he felt should be done, we'd agree and then no action was taken on his part. Basiclly time and time again it was me taking care of issues and then when I did the boys would go to the dad all upset and he would come up with something to say to them. Then he'd tell me how I over reacted and with time lots of resentment built up in all directions. Husband wanted to just let his boys run and do anything they wanted and I think that came from his own childhood where his mom was very controlling and over-bearing and he did not want to be the same for his sons but he was going the extreme opposite direction. First quote is about the intellectualizer and many of you will be able to identify with this as well, and the second quote is about imbalance:

Emotional Unavailability by Bryn C Collin. ".....When you are in the middle of an emtional moment, you are lost in the emotion itself and don't have the ability to step back from it to break it down into crunchable little bits that can be analyzed and catergorized......People who intellectualize, on the other hand, keep everything and everyone at a distance all the time. They manage the emotional impact of feeling by discussing it from a safe, distant perch on which they sit.....A intellectualizer sees himself as a rational, controlled, thoughtful peson who doesn't do things impulsively and doesn't make decisions based only on feelings." (The book gives an example about a man named Peter and his wife named Sylvia.) "Sylvia has been unable over their years together to encourage Peter to break out of his pattern of distance because he doesn't see that his style is emotionally damaging to her." (this is so my husband)

The next chapter talked about power balances. "Signs of power imbalances include the feeling that you don't have a voice in a relationship or that you are always the one who is not important. If you find yourself doing things you don't like, eating food you don't like in restaurants you don't care for, being with friends you don't find interesting, or going places you don't want to go at times that are inconvenient, you may want to look at the power base in your relationship. You may also want to ask yourself how much of the power you've simply offered up because it's the path of least resistance." (BINGO, our sitaution exactly! I have said it all repeatedly and this is how it has been being a stepmom and second wife.) "Being in the disempowered position can have all sorts of negative consequences. First, your self-esteem takes a battering over time as you struggle to retain your personal worth in the face of evidence that you aren't worthy. Second, you begin to extend this powerlessness into other relationships, almost as though you are justifying the surrender to power in the primary relationship. You begin handing off power to your boss, your job peers, the guy down the block. It's as if you're trying to make everything OK by spreading your power around. All that does is lower your self-esteem." This is what I have to stop!