If he's texting a girl asking if he can see her that day he's going to physically cheat. He's already emotionally cheating, next step will be physical. He says he wants to start all over because he wants you to sit there and let him fool around on you.

It sounds like it's driving you crazy. You don't trust him around the BM (and for good reason). Now you can't trust him with any woman (and for good reason). I think you know he's cheating already, you just want solid proof before you walk......am I right? I know that's how I was. But if it's driving you crazy like this that's enough solid proof.

~Happiness is defined by the smile on your face, not the frown on others.~

blog entry... DH's myspace convo with a girl in which he basically implied (not literally) that she looked good in her bikini picture... The conv. wasn't that big of a deal... it ended... fine whatever... but that hurt me so badly...

By your FH pretty much talking sh!t about you, you can tell that he was obviously up to no good...

You already know that... I'm sorry... Don't know what to tell you...

What are you going to do ?

~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's

I think, KAFF, you should have let them met (maybe with the help of this woman, if she was willing to do so)...

Because now, FH can pull the whole "i didn't cheat on you" crap... but ONLY because you caught him before...

You should have set him up (by showing at the meeting scene)... THAT way, you wouldn't have the doubt of maybe he wasn't going...

And his *SHOCKED* face is always a plus...

~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's

is enough evidence! He's busted. It's in your hands if you want to forgive him or not. If you do I'll support you, if you don't I understand.

~Happiness is defined by the smile on your face, not the frown on others.~

After all you do for him, and his sons... after becoming SS5's mom... and parenting his kids more than he does... he doesn't appreciate you... If you leave him, he will appreciate you, when he realizes that not any woman would put up with the shit you have been dealing with... and he will also find it extremely hard, to be a parent when you are not around, I'm sure...

~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's

But good for you! Even dealing with him civilly now would be impossible for me.
You just need to decide what you want to do about what you found out.
It seems like he wants to cheat...maybe he got caught this time, but he apparently wants to have his cake and eat it too, so he'll probably try again. What a bastard!
I hope you can come to terms with what he's done and find a way to make a decision where to go from here.
Big hugs and good luck, LT.

Ok ladies - here I go for what I am sure will be an unwildly popular opinion, but I am always so leary of the "kick 'em to the curb immediately" mentality... And please remember this is all in my own opinion and based on my own life experiences, so it may not work or be what is right for everyone. The really important thing to remember is to always DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU and you alone. There's LOTS of issues here that need to be addressed...

1. Let's start with BM. I'm not sure if you need to worry about BM or not. But I do know that you need to worry about him confiding in her about YOU. If he cannot stop doing that (which is what I think he was doing parked away from your house), then that's a BIG problem. He divorced her and truly some people are better apart than together. I am of a very different opinion than a lot of people on here in that a close friendship between DH and ex does not bother me - they did get married and have a child together for goodness sake. They did love each at one time. What would bother me about this instance is that he was talking to her away from you and hid it from you. THAT IS what is not good and needs to be focused on. IF HE HAS TO HIDE IT IT'S NOT RIGHT. Secondly they were speaking in front of SS2 in car. SS is too young to get what is being said, but eventually he might understand that DH is "venting" about Kaff. Not good in my opinion and needs to stop.

2. Is what DH did with other woman cheating?? Well, not technically, but it's the INTENT that could lead to cheating and that's what you need to hammer him on. If you say "cheating" he'll disagree because I honestly think that in men's minds what he did isn't cheating. Let me finish... I WOULD BLOW A GASKET on my DH if I found a text like that. Don't get me wrong. But it wouldn't be a "you're cheating on me" rant. This woman obviously doesn't seem to know your DH that well. It would be "JUST WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING" rant? And, a "do you not want to be married anymore if you are going to ask women to get together with you" rant. And a "Don't fool me or yourself rant.. asking another woman if you can see her TODAY and telling her that you "NEED MORE" are unacceptable behavior in a marriage" rant. Having said that, your DH could have been a talker, flirting with this idea, and could have chickened out when he actually met the woman. OR, he could have cheated. Either way, this behavior of his needs to be nipped in the bud and cannot continue as long as you remain together. End of that story.

3. How much do you love and want this man? The reason I ask is because of this... You have complained that DH talks to his Ex-wife about problems / arguments in your marriage. Now DH is telling a complete stranger that "he needs more". If you want to save your marriage - as unpopular as this next sentence may become - WE ALL HAVE TO LOOK AT OUR OWN BEHAVIOR when it comes to our spouse looking / confiding elsewhere. Why is your DH turning to other women instead of you? Can he not talk to you about certain things without it becoming an argument? Does he feel you are judgmental in any way? I just think that you need to take a true look / stock of your relationship and see if you are doing anything that could be contributing to this situation. Unpopular opinion I know. But I look at my DH's ex-wife and she is in complete denial about doing anything wrong with my husband or with her own daughter. She's always right! She always does the right thing! She's always the victim. My DH left her and she had nothing to do with the failure of that marriage (in her opinion that she has expressed to anyone that will listen). It's everyone else around her (DH and SD) that just misunderstand her or treat her wrong. And she's fooling herself. I'm really sorry. I'm not trying to say it's your fault this happened. It's not. Your DH should have come to you when he was reaching this point. But, if he had... how would you have reacted? Would you have been angry with him? Or would you have listened?

You and DH have a lot of work to do. If you love this man, I don't think what he did is the END of the relationship. But I certainly do see it as the need for BEGINNING a lot of communication. And by that, I don't mean arguing your point / arguing his point and trying to beat the other to see their way. I mean, trying to figure out if you have any common ground. Long blog short... I think you guys need marriage counseling.

Can you afford to get counseling on your own? Then maybe , between venting here and talking to a counselor about stupid BM, you can be more restrained for DH. Is he acknowledging that he made a mistake? He does need to apologize to you in order to start fresh and he needs to tell you that he will discuss his issues with you before taking them on the road. What you have to be careful of here, is that he's not just blaming you and deflecting attention away from his own bad behavior. So when he says starting fresh.. that's not really possible and it's silly to think that you can just sweep it under the rug. He did betray your trust.

Awwwww my friend....I'm going to tell u something u don't want to hear, but I think u need to hear it....if u want this relationship to work...you have to find a way to not let the BM issue cause so many blow-ups betwen u and FH....now look, what he did was totally inappropriate...wanting to see that girl, but the problem (as I see it) is yur pushing him away with all the BM drama and right or wrong...he is looking for a diversion and some attention, but I'm SURE he'd rather get it from YOU!!!...u have to find a way to accept that BM is a f'd up person and she cannot control yur life....because she is...I think I know u well enuff to know that if he feels he can't go to the hospital with his son, for WHATEVER the reason cuz yu'll get pissed not because of SS but cuz of BM, u must feel bad deep down that it has come to this....cuz that is NOT who u are...Kaff...if he wanted to or wants to be with BM, he would/will be with her...u can't control that...but what u CAN control is the way u are with him, the way u were in the beginning, before u let BM have so much of an influence in yur life...if u can just find a way to drag that suitcase carrying BM to the dumpster and throw it in....I think u and yur relationship would be so much better.....JMO...u know I support u in whatever u do...

"there are three sides to every story....your side, my side and the truth :)"

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them!"

Run like the wind honey! I haven' read all the responses, but I did read both or 2 of yours. I think I saw that he blames you for arguing with him. I am speechless! He has the nerve to blame you for having feelings about issues that he brought to the party? ugh!

If he can turn something this clear cut around on you, you need to run now. What if you got cancer or some other dreadful disease? "Well, I needed 'company' because you were unavailable." What lame excuse are you going to accept then or next?

PS: I hate The Feckless Turd (BM) myself and I CANNOT stop saying negative things about her. I have tried because I know the negative energy doesn't do anyone any good. I have done it loud enough and long enough that now DH gets it. My rants are always about how she treats him and the stepturds poorly though. I try not to say what she is doing to me. 1) I would feel smaller than her. 2) I want him to feel the same injustice is being done to him that I do. It's not your fault. He should let you vent without punishment.

Sorry for the rant. I really am on your side!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Waiting for them to simply PAS out!" ~ Wicked2Three

I think you and your DH could really benefit from marriage counseling. Your DH HAS to stop confiding in her and putting her feelings first however (please don't be mad at me for saying this) you have to stop fighting with DH everytime any mention of BM is brought up.

I say this with the best of intentions. I've been there-hell what am I talking about, I'm STILL there. I get so pissed off with BF everytime I feel that he's catering to BM but what I am working really hard to keep in mind is that he's not catering to her, he's simply co-parenting. Its a tough pill to swallow and there's times when I straight up can't deal with it. But I have learned that everytime I start ranting and accusing him of caring more about the BM than me, I am pushing him away. I am frustrating him and making him feel that I will never see how much he loves me. And that is my fault. What we had to do was make a decision as to what would make BOTH of us comfortable. That meant no more talking to BM when I wasn't around (he only did it because I would give him a death ray stare whenever he talked to her in front of me and then when he hung up I would rip him a new one for daring to speak to her), talking to me about weekend plans first before making them (so I wouldn't feel like I had no control over my home life), and various other tid-bits. All I had to do on my end was stop complaining about the very little BM contact that he had to make in order to parent the kids.

Like I said, its rough and there's times when I still break down in anger/sadness over the fact that he must speak with BM but I do it for the sake of my relationship with BF and for the relationship I have with the skids. I think it would benefit your relationship with yourself and DH if you learn to put aside your negative feelings about BM

***I'm not saying you are the sole cause of your marital problems. I'm just trying to tell you about what I've done to help solve my relationship issues that stemed from jealousy over the BM. Best of luck, Kaff! I really feel for you and am here for you if you need to talk.

i noticed you hadnt been on, or posted and i was going to write you to see how things were....

This all is so horrilbe...but at the same time, i think with these cards on the table you are going to be able to make an honest decision about what you want to do.

one time fh and i got in a huge fight, and drinking was involved, so he was very irrational. I called my mom to come get me, and after fh thought my step dad was going to kick his butt, he calmed down and let me go to bed so my parents just left...anyways, to my point. My mom asked me the next day what was i going to do?

i made a list! reasons why i wanted to stay and reasons i would go...the reasons to stay were much more! I think that if your relationship is stable with out all the other factors then you have a good starting point, but with what has transpired, will you ever trust him?

one of the major reasons why i love fh so much is because i have not one single feeling of mis trust with him, i know with all m heart he would never cheat on me.

make your list! it seems you do so much and like another person posted, do whats best for you!

I'm so sorry... I wish I could give you a hug right now. Are you okay?

u have to find a way to stay strong thru all of this....if it works out (and u never know) it will have to be on yur terms anyway cuz u know u guys can't go on like this....I am praying for u, my friend....

"there are three sides to every story....your side, my side and the truth :)"

I'll say prayers for you as well. Just try to remember, that things happen for a reason. I completely believe this. Especially when things go bad, all I can hope is that whatever reason they are happening will be revealed to me. Stay strong. If you ever want to talk, just message me. I know I don't know you very well, but I can relate to pain and fear of starting over. And if you can get through this with class and grace, maybe he'll change his attitude and want you back... and then, it will be too late for him!!!

What is that saying...."He was a gift from God cleverly disguised as an idiot."

You will learn from this. Again, I am sorry for your pain. I hope it works out in whatever way you want it to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Waiting for them to simply PAS out!" ~ Wicked2Three

Your gut told you there was something wrong, and there was! I would NOT accept 100% responsibility for this. He did text this girl and ask to meet her, then conveniently want to forget it. I actually don't really believe in divorce, but I don't know how YOU could EVER trust HIM after this! So let him say whatever, the only thing you did 'wrong' was listen to your gut and you were correct. It sounds to me like he already has one foot out the door, but wants to blame you for it!

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin