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OT-Parenting and "the look"...

KittyKat's picture

Submitted by KittyKat on Thu, 05/28/2009 - 3:37pm

Hi, all...

I just want to add another perspective on BBBarbie's view of entitlement and parenting due to her experience with the lack of a father figure. I agree with everything you have to say, BBB.

I DID have a dad in my life. My dad was my PARENT, not a pushover, not my "buddy", not anyone at ANY TIME that I would ever DREAM of disrespecting. If any of you are old enough to be fans of Eddie Murphy's "Delirious" (one of the most comical creations of all time...funny, yet insightful!!), Eddie talks about how if he ever came CLOSE to raising his voice, swearing, etc. in front of his parents, he got "the look" and he knew he was in deep doo doo...

Remember "the look"? My dad didn't have to say a word...if we were bad, we just got the "look" and we knew enough was enough. And, all three of us are professional, well-mannered adults who are raising our OWN children in the same manner.

THAT'S why when I look at how MY ADULT SDs act, not only do I feel sorry for them, but I find their behavior nauseating. No manners, no "fetchin' up" as we used to say. It's not nearly as bad now, but when H and I were first dating, I couldn't BELIEVE how many times they would call him, SCREAMING at him for things that weren't even his fault. (All I could think of was "the look"...if I ever talked to my dad like that...) "Daddy, my brakes are squeaking." "Daddy, I can't find my book!" "Daddy, I forgot where I parked my car!!"

One incident in mind stands out. H's dad passed away about a year into our dating. Instead of calling their dad and saying "I'm sorry, what can I do to help, dad?" two of them were yelling at HIM (as if it were HIS FAULT!!) about having to change plans, get rides in, etc. All about THEM.

And THAT'S because DADDY let them get away with that behavior for so long. THAT'S why one of them has been in trouble with law (nothing really major, tho) for over a decade because she was never TAUGHT by her PARENTS that you RESPECT the law and elders. You don't scream at them or challenge them.

Thanks, BBBarbie, for getting me thinking about this aspect. I certainly don't "envy" my adult SDs. As a teacher for quite some time, I KNOW that kids WANT and NEED boundaries. They WANT to be told what they're doing wrong. I really feel that my SDs missed out by having a pushover for a dad.

Also, it puts perspective on why they dislik(ed) me so much. I was the first one in their immediate world to introduce them to the word NO. No, you can't call here yelling and screaming at 10:00 at night. No, you cannot talk to me like that.

We're always learning on this site!! It's a great thing!! Smile

Comments

Brooklynne's picture

Submitted by Brooklynne on Thu, 05/28/2009 - 3:53pm

I'm chuckling as I write this, as this post brought back many memories for me. All my dad had to do was give me and my sis the "death stare" and we got back into line pronto!!

Wicked2Three's picture

Submitted by Wicked2Three on Thu, 05/28/2009 - 3:57pm

...the mysterious eyebrow! I completely agree. It's unfortunate, and some say a form of child abuse, to let your kids run amok and be irresponsible ill mannered brats.

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Thu, 05/28/2009 - 4:20pm

Can I say - Amen Sister!!?? All my father had to do was say... "Don't MAKE me get up"! And if we kept up whatever was bugging him ... He'd start to stand and we would run for the hills!! ha!

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 05/28/2009 - 4:57pm

Kat,

AMEN! The look is in no way off topic when it comes to parenting.

The look was enough to induce immediate action from myself and my brother whether it came from Mom or from Dad. As you and your sibs did, my Bro and I grew up to be successful professionals with no run ins with the law. (except for my little bro once when he was 15 but I got him out of that one Wink )

Oh for the days when the look worked without question or delay and "wait until your father gets home" was your notification to go put on your funeral clothes because you only had a very limited time to live. Not that Mom could not take care of any issue immediately and needed Dad to get us to "hop to it".

My Son (SS) understands full well the meaning of the look and it works pretty well on him. Interestingly, he responds more readily to the look from his Mom than from me and I am the more strict and consistent disciplinarian. Making Mom upset with him devastates him.

I LOVE THE LOOK!

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is consistency of effort and courage that counts. Vince Lombardi

KittyKat's picture

Submitted by KittyKat on Thu, 05/28/2009 - 9:07pm

So true, Rags, so true..

ONCE, my younger brother was caught with beer in his car. He was at a friend's house, and the police saw them taking it out of the trunk. They took his keys and the beer.

Dad let the car SIT THERE for days. (And dad was quite the drinker, let me tell ya!!) Never did he say to my brother "Oh, those BAD COPS are picking on you, son." Nope. You lost out. I'll get the keys when I'm damn good and ready. Today, my brother is a respected physician.

And, as a teacher, we all KNOW who runs the household with the kids. If a kid mouths off to you, you KNOW they are doing it at home. And getting away with it, sad but true.

With either of my kids, I never tolerated tantrums, disrespect, ever. They just never did it because it would never work. They would be carrying on to their own audience, because I wouldn't go there. If you have something to say or ask for, then say it or ask for it. If it's within reason, we'll discuss it.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

Last Nerve's picture

Submitted by Last Nerve on Thu, 05/28/2009 - 8:17pm

Both of my parents would give the look, Mom more than Dad... Put the fear of God into us every single time!

I have to admit, I give it to both of my BD's now too, lol. Can't wait till they have kids, and start doing it...

KittyKat's picture

Submitted by KittyKat on Thu, 05/28/2009 - 9:11pm

My own BD is appalled by the way her GROWN stepsisters act at times. She is NOT close with any of them. She is cordial when she has to be, but in the last 5-6 years since I've been with H, she has seen them carry on to the point of embarassment.

And, LN, I'm certainly not "strict"...just democratic. Sure, you have a say, but someone has the ultimate say, especially if it's maybe not a good idea. And, she is loved by all of her teachers, she's popular, a great athlete. Yes, she, too knows "the look"...!!!! Smile

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

Last Nerve's picture

Submitted by Last Nerve on Thu, 05/28/2009 - 9:25pm

The girls friends love to come over, because apparently I'm "cool", lol.
My youngest just cringes when her friends say that!

I agree with being democratic, but like you said, at the end of the day, someone has to be the parent, and make some not so popular decisions... That's usually when they protest, or start to get a little p*ssy, and I have to give the ol' hairy eyeball (that's what my oldest calls it!).

Whatever we're doing, it must be right, oldest just finished her first year of her BA program, and the yougest has pretty much sailed through grade 10, making the honour roll. They friends they hang out with are pretty good too, not into drugs, respectful to us in our home, etc... Make me a pretty proud Mom...

Sasha's picture

Submitted by Sasha on Thu, 05/28/2009 - 9:30pm

My mom used it on us too. She said that from the time we were little she never had to worry about how we would act in public. If we started misbehaving, we got "the look" and immediately straightened ourselves out. She never had to worry about being embarrassed by us.

WowjustWow's picture

Submitted by WowjustWow on Thu, 05/28/2009 - 9:58pm

I wish more parents instilled "the look" in their kids! If "the look" didn't get us, that spanking from dad sure did! And my brother and I turned out to be very successful, mature adults with a healty respect for people and the law.

More kids should know the Death Stare and be fearful. Nowadays, kids will just turn around and laugh at you.

October8's picture

Submitted by October8 on Fri, 05/29/2009 - 8:36am

My mom and dad only had to say our name in a slighlty deeper tone and my siblings and I knew.... that's all it took to get us behaving...

One can only hope!

secondwife20's picture

Submitted by secondwife20 on Fri, 05/29/2009 - 11:29am

consisted of the evil parent glare and the pursing of the lips.

That look could make grown men pee their pants. It was so scary.

As for my dad, he would just say our names once real deep. If he had to say our names a second time, we would get spanked.

JMC's picture

Submitted by JMC on Fri, 05/29/2009 - 12:40pm

JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'

Even as an adult "the look" was all it took to get mine and my siblings attention. My parents were not all that strict but we had rules and regulations, common courtesy and RESPECT for our parents. Most of today's kids have no clue as to what respect is - if I had raised my voice, let alone screamed at my parents like my skids do, I'd have been disciplined to the max. My parents were not our "friends", "buds", or our "pals" - they were PARENTS. Too bad the species has become extinct.

Angel's picture

Submitted by Angel on Fri, 05/29/2009 - 1:12pm

and it demanded respect--------but back then it was a healthy mixture of respect & fear!!!!! My father developed the original curriculum and course outline.

And it works on MY bio ADULT CHILDREN. I use it well. I have learned to use it with kindness.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 05/29/2009 - 3:34pm

through. The look is just the first step in escalating consequences for poor behavior and decisions. Without the next steps (butt whippin followed by death)the look won't do much.

It is kind of like when parents count. "One, two, don't let me get to three......". Nearly every kid that is the product of parents who count will let Mom and Dad get to three before the behavior stops.

The parents who use the Look followed in short order with the "WHACK" tend to have far better behaved children by my observations than the counters.

Any thoughts on the Count Vs the Look/Smack methods?

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi

Angel's picture

Submitted by Angel on Fri, 05/29/2009 - 4:35pm

How do you control 1000 gypsies? You hang one. They will remember that and behave. AND You never have to do it again.

If you start them young enough, and have lived through a "whack", all they need is one or two good whacks in their lifetime.

Then they will know that the "look" may be followed by a whack!

But, I don't advocate hitting-----a couple of "whacks" at the right moment do seem to help make better behaved kids. But not too much. The words "Spare the rod, spoil the child" are divinely inspired.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 05/29/2009 - 5:13pm

the buttocks and only the buttocks. It is not so much pain as it is embarrassment that makes the point.

Corporal punishment IMHO is limited to the butt and the butt only. My parents never struck any of us other than on the butt. We were absolutely clear on why we got spanked. No slaps to the face, punches, nothin. By the time it got to the spanking phase you knew that you had gone way over the line.

For some reason parents know how to inject drama and tension in to the corporal punishment process. My parent's were accomplished masters at making the the entire experience an effective punishment as well as learning experience.

The spanking was preceded by the dreaded lecture from hell, the tension build up of Dad removing his belt and popping it while delivering the pre-swat lecture, the pre swat negotiation "How many am I gonna get Dad?", "The longer you stand there talking about it the more you are going to get!", the drama of dropping your drawers and bending over the bed, the breath stopping gulping sobs while you prepared yourself, the very long and pregnant pause before the the belt went across your naked buttocks, the jump from the sound, the delay before the sting from your ass reached your brain....... I don't recall a spanking that constituted more than a half-dozen swats and never any bruises. I remember a very pink and tingling ass and absolute clarity on what had gotten me to the point of a spanking.

But, never, ever , ever any slaps or punches.

On one occasion my Mom missed my ass and got the back of my thighs on a swat. I was pissed. I stood up, told her that spanking my butt was fine but that the legs were completely unacceptable then I laid back down for the rest of my spanking. My Mom laughed and apologized and told me to stand up and pull my pants up. Me standing there with my pants around my ankles being totally offended that she missed my butt cheeks was pretty ridiculous and totally cracked her up. :jawdrop: I was about 12.

So, I absolutely agree that hitting (other than the butt) is inappropriate.

Typing this is giving me flash backs and making me squirm in my chair. Thanks for resurrection those wonderful memories for me. Wink

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi