Was I wrong?
Every Tuesday my SO visits his kids, and when he drops them off with the BM he gets them ready for bed, reads a story or 2, tucks them into bed and leaves. I have expressed to him many times that this makes me feel uncomfortable (the BM is still wayyyyyy hung up on him)and the BM even sent me an email one time saying that I "should question why he really wants to be there....is it for the kids or to be close to her"....and he has said many times that he has to do what is best for the kids. He has them every weekend and they rarely ever express that they miss their daddy. Even my counselor said that he was putting himself in a very dangerous situation, since there has been many times he has dropped them off and she is there walking around in a towel. I trust my SO, but I don't trust her. So I asked him last night to please just drop the kids off at the door and kiss them goodnight there. We ended up getting into a huge argument about my feelings VS the kids feelings and he agreed that he shouldn't go inside the house anymore. He even confessed that there were several times where she would give him "the look".... I feel a little betrayed by him...He knew how I felt about the situation, and she even hinted to him that she wanted him and he still kept it up. I'm grateful that he finally saw my side of things, but was I wrong to make him choose between hurting my feelings, or not tucking his kids in on Tuesdays?
I had a similar situation...
DH (before we were married) would drop the girls off and go inside BM's house for whatever reason. I really didn't care being that I do the same with my ex and my boys. I pick them up from their dad's house and I actually go inside because I always have to do the jacket/tennis shoes/homework/etc. check because otherwise I'll be making a second trip if I don't make sure they have everything. It's MAYBE a 5 minute process. So when DH dropped his girls off and went in, I really thought nothing of it.
Well BM corners me at a bar one night and holds my hands in hers with a big dramatic - "I have to tell you something". Then she lets out this over the top sighhhhh and then she proceeds to tell me that my DH (boyfriend at the time) was still in love with her and just the other night when he was dropping off the girls, he came in and pressed her against the door and they "made out". (Who over the age of 12 says that anyways!?!) I just told her that I doubted it and walked away. (Wasn't the first time she'd lied to me and I guarantee it won't be the last.)
The next morning I called DH and told him the little encounter and he of course calls BM and she says she can't even remember the night before, she was so drunk. Whatever. Anyways, after that DH quit going inside when he drops them off/picks them up. He doesn't even get out of the car most times.
My point is that if your SO doesn't have that boundary set, she will abuse it the exact way she has been. Not only that, it's confusing to everyone involved. BMs could be misinterpreting your SO's intentions and the children need to know that daddy can't be around like he used to be. BOUNDARIES are an essential step in this whole process. I don't think he's chosing your feelings over tucking his kids in on Tuesdays, I think he's just doing what's best for EVERYONE involved.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
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Nope, you are not wrong.
You were not wrong for asking your SO to set some boundaries. They are divorced which means the parents are not there to tuck the kids in every night. The divorce was what they wanted in the first place so they need to stick by it. Does BM come over to your house and tuck kids in at night when SO has kids?? Your SO can tuck the kids in(or any other activity) while the kids are over for visitation with him.
There is no need for either your SO or BM to be in either's home. I'm not trying to be mean to you, honey, but if they wanted that right they should have remained married.
I had to advise my husband of this fact when BM cut my SD hair really short. DH was SOOOO upset! DH wanted to fuss at BM to say she didn't have the right to do that type of thing without his permission. I said, gently as I could, that if DH wanted to be in SD's life to make those type of decisions that he should have remained married to BM. I told him that, unless it was specifically in court order, BM could (and would) do anything she wanted with SD while in BM's care. I told him the same goes for us. I told him once the two of you divorced neither of you have a say in what the other does with SD (unless of course it's harmful to child). It was then he really realized that I was right about that.
Fortunately the only time my DH went inside BM's house (after we became an item) was when I was standing right outside the door. I know at this particular time he was not happy with BM at all! So no worries on my part. The reason he was so peeved is because BM had made DH abide by divorce papers that said BM could have DH's mother's curio cabinet---DH's mother passed away before the divorce & according to BM DH's mother said BM could have it---Uh, hello? You were married at the time! I thought it was terrible of BM to ask for a family heirloom that BM would probably sell anyways. Yet I can say silly DH for agreeing to it in the first place. According to DH, he had to do anything to get rid of BM. He says that BM was a pain in the behind to get rid of---still is. Hehe.
I have delt with the same thing
My husbands Daughter lives in Boston and this last time that he went to Ma. by himself( we were living in Cali at the time and couldnt afford two tickets) the Ex made sure that I wasnt coming, I dont know why he was such a bonehead and didnt tell her to mind her own business.. but anyways.. she took advantage of the situation also and sent him an email to our joint account while he was over there mind you, about how great the sex was and all that jazz.. I'm thinking to myself, "Are you joking right now?" so I called up my husband and I told him what happened and I told him that he is to take someone with him when he is to drop his daughter off. And to not step foot in that house, not because I was jealous.. but I didnt want him to put himself in a bad position. You did the right thing by addressing it to him. Im glad that he respected you enough to remove himself from that situation.
You are definately not wrong
You are definately not wrong to bring this up to him and put your food down. There is no way I would let DH stay at BM's house! He is not only making you feel like crap, but he may be giving the SK's a false hope that their parents may get back together. How old are they? Before DH and I go together, he did this with his ex. He lived about an hour away from SD and when she would have a game on Saturday, he would go over and stay the night on Friday. SD became very confused and thougth that they were going to get back together.
Something stinks!
I'm glad he saw your point of view, however, I would be inclined to accompany him when it's time to drop off the kids. I think that his behavior was inappropriate ESPECIALLY since he was aware of BM's feeling for him. Colorado Girl is right about having boundaries and he should have enough respect for YOU to honor your request WITHOUT arguing about it! I'm glad you stood your ground.
After all, my motto is:
"Walk slow and watch for snakes"
He's going to talk to the BM
He's going to talk to the BM today about not going inside there anymore. She's a freak and she'll probably blame it all on me (in front of the kids of course)and make my SO feel like crap for it (she's really good at giving him guilt trips...which is why he was doing this in the first place). I try to go with him up there as much as possible, but it is 2hrs away and I have a different work schedule than my SO, plus I have to get my kids from daycare etc.... But I WILL be with him tonight when we pick the skids up. I didn't want to shake him up, but I did mention this morning that he needed to call her and make her aware that WE don't think it's appropriate for him to still be responsible for getting them ready for visitations (when he gets there they aren't even ready) and he doesn't belong in the house anymore. It's hard to say things to him because he gets offended so easily and I don't need anymore stress in my life. I just hope it all works out for the best!
Its sound odd to me really
Hi I honestly think you should becareful as she probably is planning on plotting to get your dp back and maybe she is just using the kids. I also think she is using the kids and it's working however he might think your stupid because he might use the you don't trust me s**t but this is not the case. You do but they way things look your are playing into her hand and driving your dp and her closer.
So my SO called the BM
So my SO called the BM yesterday to let her know that he would no longer be putting the kids to bed and when she questioned why, HE said it was because of ME!!! WOW.... Here I thought it was because he was in agreement with me on this, but I guess he's only doing this because he wants to shut me up or something.....And then when I explained to him again that whatever "look" she was giving was inappropriate he said, "Well you have to understand that she's still hurting, and of course she still wants me, and it's part of her healing process....." WTF!?!?!?!? He was actually defending her and her inappropriate behavior. So I responded with, "Oh....I understand.....Well I guess this a bad time to tell you that I'm going out to dinner with my ex...because he's in a lot of pain from the divorce and needs me to help him heal as well...." He snapped out of that real quick!!!
Score
One for you!
I really think he should care more about the mixed message that whole issue was sending his kids. I know that when SD's BM was telling SD's shrink that DH was fighting for custody b/c he regretted the divorce and wished he was still with her and not me, that SD was picking up that vibe. Originally we had given her some old pics of theirs, studio family pics that were larger- maybe 8 x 10. She would put them up if she was peeved at me, take them down if she was peeved at BM. So I took them away and gave her wallet sizes of them. I just couldn't go into her room and see this huge, faking happiness pic. The one in particular she liked was of BM and DH one Thanksgiving that DH HATES b/c they were fighting the whole week and hadn't even driven to her family gathering together.
But when BM was thinking they should still be together, then SD was thinking it too. SD would say start to say something to me, then stop and say, "I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings..." I told her it was normal to have that FANTASY, but in reality her dad is much happier now (which SD readily admits to.) She agreed she wouldn't want to go back to all their horrible arguments, but it would be nicer to have them back together IF they could get along. I said, "Well...your dad tried for fifteen years to make your mom happy honey, so I doubt it would be any different."
I know that may not be the politically correct choice but whatever... I'm tired of sugar coating everything to help SD avoid uncomfortable realities.
Peace, love, and red wine
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