I am better than this...
I am.
I chose to go to a makeup soccer game yesterday knowing that my SDs'mom was going to be there. It was right after my BS9's game, same exact field. DH said it would be fun and no big deal. My boys and I could stay after BS9's game and just watch. BM was fired up that morning over an unmet ridiculous demand on her part and it made me weary as to spend any time in close proximity to her. I should have known better.
My stomach flip flopped for ten minutes before she arrived. She called my phone twice before she got there because DH left his in the car (so she knew I was going to be there), I handed it to DH each time to talk to her. First call was as to the time of the game, second as to the location. DH called her once to tell her which color shirt SD needed to wear. Once they finally arrived I could see the scowl from 100 feet away, she was not happy. I'm not sure why. It was cold, it was raining...maybe the droopy weather affected her mood. I don't know. She walked up to a group of us who were laughing about how ridiculous the weather was the past few weeks for these soccer games (rain, snow, sleet...and they still play). She immediately asks DH to help her with all of her stuff (SD's soccer bag, snacks, blankets, setting up her chair). He politely obliges and grabs his daughters' stuff to set it by the teams' bench.
I smiled at her and said hello..... she shot me a dirty look and proceeded to ignore me as she walked away. My friend and her husband who were still standing with us asked me what that was all about... I honestly answered that I wasn't sure. I smiled and told her it was no big deal. "You're a better woman than I, my friend..."
I couldn't leave because DH and I had come together. I almost asked my exH to give me a ride home... then thought that wouldn't be appropriate, so I stayed. BM sat in her chair under an umbrella not making a sound. I watched about 25 minutes before the rain really set in. So, I found an excuse to retreat to my car and stated that I would just watch from there. DH seemed relieved. I proceeded to call a friend and started whining about the whole debacle. I watched as BM stood up from her chair, wrapped in a blanket and stand next to DH... her whole demeanor changing. She was smiling, cheering... even jumping up and down when the kids' scored. High fives all around.
I was mad at first, even name called in my phone call. In the end...if I had to be honest... my feelings are hurt. I don't do well when I extend kindness and am met with disregard. I was upset only because I didn't feel I deserved it, especially when people I respect were front and center to see the show. My knee jerk reaction was to flee like I always seem to do... and so I did. It seemed better for everyone involved. I guess the boundary of me never going to my SDs' games should be a firm one. Unless of course I am the only parental figure able to take them, than I guess I'm good enough. I don't understand how that makes any sense from my point of view.
On the upside, my son scored his first goal in two seasons at his game. He is all heart that kid. It was also the first game DH had gone to in a while, so he got to witness it. Him and my exH had a tear in their eyes (my tears were not as restrained). It was awesome. My son's face and that endless smile were priceless...
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CG, what do you always tell me and others?
It only affects you if you let it.
You let this hurt your feelings. You should know better by now, than to expect anything from the BM. When you set up expectations you get hurt. Just don't expect niceness, or her to be polite. Because at times it's going to let you down....your expectations that is.
Also, don't forget that this woman has actual mental problems. She's high one minute and low the next.
All I can tell you dear friend is to follow your own advice.
I know.
Hence the title of my blog... I know better.
My good, good friend (whom I called) always tells me to not take it so personally. It's really in my stupid nature to be "liked" ... even if I put on the facade that I don't care.
I didn't think it would ever bother me as much as it did yesterday. Part of it was that she stole the sunshine right out of the sky for me... I was so gosh darned happy about my little buddy, I never expected anything could rain on my happiness.
I allowed her to though. Not her fault, she's just being who she is... and I took it to heart.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Hey there CG
Just wanted to say I understand your feelings, and remind you that you are better than that-that-that
WOMAN!
And that's all I have to offer. Except to remind you that it's not personal with those BPD folks, in that it has nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with their illness and resulting perception of the world.
But I'm having a great couple of weeks, so when my SD does the same thing to me that your SD's BM just did to you, you can remind me of what I just said to you.
If only we could get my SD and your SD's BM to cycle together, we could really vent and hash it out with them! But perhaps there are wiser powers prevailing so each of us can lift the other up in the ever eventual turbulent times as we ride the crazy wave.
HUGS!
"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?" ~Hamlet Act III scene I
Oh my gosh...
"...But perhaps there are wiser powers prevailing so each of us can lift the other up in the ever eventual turbulent times as we ride the crazy wave...."
That is so great to think of it that way. How true that must be...
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Sounds like the bipolar roller coaster
ride. When they are in a mood nothing is ever their fault it is all about the injustices against them by the rest of the world. Trust me I am all to familar with that nasty, nasty ride. Just been on the ride to crazy town lastwekk or so. Heck DH & I had a complete brew ha ha with the stepkids hiding in their bedroom crying as he fought with me & got a bit physical, to the point I lost it & slapped him in the face to make him let go of my arm & my laptop he kept throwing on our ottoman in a fit of rage. Not a proud moment for me & my heart breaking for my hysterical stepsons begging him to stop. The oldest crying that the best 4 years of his life have been since DH married me.
I feel bad for you that you are subjected to her because your husband not you married her. I stupidly made this bed, you did not.
My little miss sweetthing...
You and I have so much in common. We are the proverbial doormats sometimes for the greater good. I sometimes wonder if it weren't for the girls, would I stay and work as hard as I do?
*sigh*
I had some difficult advice a couple of weeks ago as I whined about my situation and my disontent with my husband's enmeshed relationship with his ex.
You either accept him as he is... or you don't.
My friend told me that he doesn't think I have it in me to stay. I value myself too much and all I'm doing is prolonging the process as I hang onto a hope that it's going to get better.
You can only give so much sweetthing before you realize that his cup runneth over and there is not a thing in yours.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
CG, I know.
My sister says it is only a matter of time before I can't take any more. The good times are very few these days & the bad times & his craziness/laziness is overwhelming. If I divorce him I will need to let our home go to forclosure due to it not being anywhere near what is owed on it. And the biggy my son would have to be alone with him EOW. He can't stay awake in the morning to watch him which puts my 2yr old in danger. If I could get him to agree to no overnights I think I could do it, but I know he will fight me for our son & frankly he can't take care of him & my Stepsons shouldn't have to.
I'm sorry CG
but my feelings would have been something other than hurt - I would have been pissed. Not the fact that she ignored your hello, but the fact that she made an effort to stand next to your DH and the fact that he allowed it would have been enough to send me over the edge. Not to mention that he helped her carry and set up her stuff. What happened to her boyfriend? She needs to get her own damn man. Knowing me I would have found a way to leave the game. Sorry, I hope I wasn't harsh - that is not my intention at all. I'm sorry, that whole situation rips. Was she pissed because you normally don't go and this time you did? BM needs to suck it up.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
I was mad at first...
smoking pissed actually. The proceeding phone call to my friend was full of profanities toward the woman. I think it was my natural reaction to her, I tend to get mad at her more than anything.
Then it transformed into how I would have felt if she were anybody else. Just plain old fashioned...hurt.
I don't care when he helps her especially in such a simplistic sense. If it were someone else, he would have extended the same courtesy. He was just being who he is. It's part of what I love about him.
I just don't know why it's just got to be a fight all the time. I have no idea why I've been painted black by her, I think it has much to do with the boyfriend... I don't think it's working out and she will go back to idolizing my husband. I become only a road block at that point. She will become SuperMom and I will become obsolete.
Maybe that is the driving force in all of this... my underlying fear of this part of her cycle.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Ouch!
I know that hurt. Maybe next time you should just stay. After all, the girl is your SD, you have every right to be there to cheer her on. I would have walked right over there with my husband and helped him set her up. Let her know that there are women out there that aren't useless. And if she wants to stand by YOUR man, you stand there too. No way would I ever let my husband's EX-wife stand there and flirt with MY husband. I know how intimidating it can be though, and I've had plenty of belly flops myself waiting for her to show up to something - only to be ignored anyway. I am very active in my Skids lives and I always will be. If the BM can't handle it, that's her problem.
I am not worried about flirtation...
not even a little bit. She is mentally disordered (diagnosed bipolar/borderline personality disorder), flirting is the least of my worries. If that were all she did, I'd be just fine. There is no line drawn that is not crossed by the BM in my life.
She intimidates but not in the sense you are relaying. She is quite unstable and I have been known to trigger a beast inside of her that can cause so much turmoil, it's not even worth the original point I was trying to prove.
There is no "that's her problem" in my life. She strives to be heard, and there is no limit as to lengths she will go to make sure she is.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
sorry
I m sorry that you had to go through that. I sat on the bleachers for 4 years with Bm 2 times per week and she was the same way. She isn't BP she is just doing what she does best.
I think I wouldn't mind being ignored...
it's the bounce that bothers me.
I never know which BM will be arriving. The one that thinks I'm the greatest or the one that hates me.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
It is a good
person that extends kindness but you need to know to whom you are extending that kindness to. Not all people deserve kindness. I am not saying that you should be mean or rude---you just need to know when to maintain a neutral demeanor. It won't hurt (so much) that way.
I just want to be...me
I know you're right though.
I sometimes think that I am capable of trying to lighten her up a bit. Break the tension I suppose.
I allowed her that by leaving though.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Well~
I honestly picture ou reacting differently to a situation as such. I see you as the type that would just push through the unkind looks and silent treatment just to prove a point~ a point of "you can't control my mood, but I obviously can control yours". Not in a rude or demeaning mannor, but in a mannor of self respect and confidence.
I know you grow weary in your battle with BM's illness, you are absolutly right when you say "you are better than this". You are, and we all stumble and have those knee jerk reactions. Don't kick yourself. Just move forward. Enjoy the glory of your sons goal!! And know that she is apparently on the down ward swing of her pendulum and it will swing back up soon, I am sure.
Chin Up Kid!
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )
Maybe on a different day.
I would've been more assertive and demanding...
I'm just a little beaten down lately.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Yeah~
I know, that is why I mentioned that we all grow weary... you are a strong woman... I don't really know how I would have reacted. And as worn down by this woman that I know you have been lately, I am proud of you for not driving that car far far away. You have the patience of a Saint!
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )
You can still be you
but only with people that DESERVE you!
I do understand what you mean.
I always say either love me or hate me. But do don't one on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and then the other all the other days of the week! Make up your mind already!!
That way you can prepare for it. You know what situation you are walking into.
With the BM in your life you can never prepare. It's a roller coaster ride!
You're a tough girl though. You'll be okay and make it through just like you always do!
Okay, How many times to I have to say it .........
Pissing off the BlendedFamily opposition is a sport. Learn to enjoy it.
CG,
In the situation you describe I would have gotten out of the car (rain or not) and walked up and taken DH's arm and cheered my heart out for the Skid. It would have been a pleasure to see BM wilt and crawl back under her umbrella. Okay, just typing that made me feel a little weird since I do not have an H and never will. I am a W man and I do not mean the former president W=Wife.
As you indicated in your title line, you are better than that. She played you and you let her. IMHO of course.
As for it being in your nature to be liked, that is not a stupid thing. It can be a frustrating character trait but it is far from stupid. It is in my nature also. It has taken a couple of decades in my career for me to realize that my own success and happiness is not dependent on everyone liking me. It used to bother me excessively and for a long time. Now it bothers me only a little and for a very, very brief time when something like you described from the Soccer game happens. I have learned to let it roll off of my back and I do what I believe to be the right thing whether it pisses others off or not.
Keep your pride and happiness front, center and IN HER FACE!!!!!!!!
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing’ (or words to that effect) ...... or when good people run away. Do something and DON'T RUN AWAY ...... ever. If someone has to run let her run. Heck, help her along when she pulls the sulky bullshit around you. Kick up the beaming happiness that emanates from you. She will run.
Next time be the CG that kicks ass and takes names here on ST. Your advice is always courageous and bang on. You are the same person whether BM is there or not. Only you can allow her to take your bliss. Next time let the joy your little man brings you cover your cheers for your Skids. Next time they will see BM sulking under the umbrella and CG on the side lines with Dad cheering them on. Think about that and not about BM's pathetic issues.
Evil people are like cockroaches. They scramble for he shadows when someone turns on a light. For some reason many BPs in Blended family situations are evil cockroaches. That is why there as so many of us light emitting Sparents here on StepTalk and why THEY hate US so much. We bring the light they run to the darkness, cockroaches that they are.
Next time turn up the voltage and give her one hell of a tan regardless of the rain and regardless of what cockroach corner she tries to crawl in to.
Hang in there.
Best regards,
Okay
Okay, that is flat out awesome advice.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Plus she knew you were watching
and probably put on a little show for you! Congrats to the players, I know they appreciated everyone that comes.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
I'll go to a game with you.
I'll go to a game with you. I'll happily deflect for you. I'll be an ana shield.
Really, it would be a great reminder for me as to why I don't date men with children.
To every thing there is a season.
Okay, I know I'm late commenting on this,
I just had to say how sorry I am CG. What breaks my heart for you is that your DH didn't ask or encourage you to stay. I can see how he may be considering your comfort in not asking, but it would still be a great thing for him to tell you you are wanted by his side.
My first thoughts when I read your post was what I once told DH when he suggested I stay out of sight for BM's sake, "Rip the dang band-aid off!" I agree with Rags, you're not there hurting anyone, and believe me CG, the world is a better place where ever you are.
I do want you to know I can see how any decision you make on how to handle any situation handed to you at any time, will be the right one for you.
I think of how long and difficult this road has been for you, and you know best when it is time to let her win a battle, for the next may be around the corner and you may need to save your strength.
Hugs to you CG!
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-