If BM died...
Would your spouse go to the wake & funeral to be there for the kids?
How would you as a couple handle this?
My SDs' BM isn't deathly sick, but I know that this is a subject that arises a lot in divorced families. If my mother were to die, my dad would go to the wake and funeral out of respect for her and to be there for me. My SF wouldn't have a problem with it because he gets along great with my dad. If my dad died, they'd (SF and Mom) would come to the wake and funeral to be there for me. I think my stepmother has accepted that.
Knowing my DH, I'm 110% sure that he'd go to BM's wake and funeral too, to be there for the kids. Even though she is not a terrific mother, she still is their mother, and they will always love her, despite the s**t she has put them through. DH wouldn't be going to pay respects to BM- he'd be going to be there for the kids. Would I go to BM's funeral? I don't know...that's a hard question because I want to be there for my SDs but I also want to be respectful of the fact that BM's family is grieving and might not want to see met there.
Would your partners go to their ex's funeral to be there for the kids? Would you go to your ex's funeral to be there for the kids you had together? How would you and your partners handle this situation if it came up?
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I would certainly hope so.
I am sure my wife would go to BioDad's funeral to be supportive of our son (my SS). Would I go? Yes, to support my wife and son and be there to intercept any bullshit that BPGM would sling at my wife.
In fact, I would buy the tickets for all three of us to go.
Once the period of propriety had passed (about 30secs on my part) the party would start though. I have no use for BioDad and his demise would be good riddance in our blended family case.
Aside from the pain it would cause my son there would be no down side to BioDad's demise.
Best regards,
The kids
go with the deceased family which is also their own family, so problem solved.
I think your dh is right to feel the way he does, and these are the kinds of situations which are deal breakers. Because they all add up over time and destroy the foundation of a marriage. Your ex had no business calling you, and I would have just told him to talk to someone and wish him well. AND many people DON'T have feelings toward their ex's, and in fact if anything have dreadful feelings toward them.
Why screw up your current relationship, and future over an Ex?? Absolutely, listen to your husband because the writing is on the wall about how he feels, whether its right or wrong. I would put your ex in the past, and wouldn't have said you might go to his funeral. Right there you put distrust in your husbands head that you still have feelings for the guy, those things have a way of piling up over the years.
BF? No papers no say IMHO.
If her HUSBAND said he would prefer not to have you there it would be one thing. But a BF? Next of kid are the kids and her parents and they could have an opinion. But not the BF.
IMHO of course.
Best regards.
Never
I would never, ever, go to any event re. BM, including her funeral.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Same here. But after it was all said and done, though
I might dance on her grave and sing "ding dong the witch is dead!"
j/k
Not to be mean BUT
Both DH and I would go under the guise to "support" the kids. In essence we would. SS would be a real mess. But I can tell you no lies we would both be really going to be sure the b#tch is dead. Sorry for those who are offended but that is the God's honest truth. One has NO idea the level of torture we have dealt with from this woman. But my thoughts are that because she is evil she will outlive us all and go on and live a ripe old 90 years of age in that miserable body of hers.
Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P
You just wrote what I was
You just wrote what I was thinking. DH would go to support his daughter.... as for me, once everyone has left the cemetery, I'll bust out my boombox and dance on that bitch's grave.
She probably doesn't know the extent of our contempt for her, but if she even has an inkling of it, it must be pretty sad to know that a lot of people feel that your life ending would be the answer to so many problems..... makes ya think, doesn't it? I need a glass of wine now.
Principlist.....Holy Crap
Principlist.....Holy Crap you make me laugh!
That was exactly what I was thinking not only about the BM but my own ex-H as well. We had no kids but I would go to make sure the abusive SOB was really dead. Same with my former MIL.
I do know SD13 has a ton of Mommy issues she's dealing with and will probably always deal with (she's in counseling). So if anything ever happened to her BM, she would probably be a mess as well. H would want to be with her regardless.
You're right though.....the BM's in our lives with probably be old, bitter women living to 102. BM's own grandmother was a piece of work and apparently BM is just like her.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Miss Piggy
I would go to my lousy ass x's to support my
son and we would go to Beast Bitches to support his daughters. I would stay at home, if they requested. And my husband would, if my son requested. But we would be there for our children through thier parents death.
I was mean too
but I don't do the fake it to make it stuff for the "sake" of the kids. Cru that day comes you pm me and we will have a cocktail
funny we think a like
Oops, I hadn't read this far down when I posted it, but that was the song that popped into my head too at the thought of BM's demise.
if she died
I guess it would not bother me so much if he went, If my Dh died i wouldn't want her 10ft near him, nor do I feel she should be?
She caused sooo much crap in my life,I would point blank tell her to keep her ass away, she could pay her respects at the cemetary( thats public property)I cant stop het at that point. My Ex commited suicide a year after our divorce, I was already very much involved with my (now)DH, It was a very confusing time for me, I was sad, mad, angry, and my heart just ached for our children, I even gave his uligy,
Get this HIS girlfriend didn't even show up at all, after church,and they were putting him in the hurse, she walked up.
It was a very hard time for me and I had a lot of mixed feelings, thats was over 5 years ago, and I still don't get it?
Simple question
Would you want the Bm at your HBs funeral? In my case no way. Bm would think she could sit with the family. Hell NO!!! If she showed up I would request her to be escorted out of the building. If BM wants to console her kids she can do that somewhere else. Bm has no business at MY HB funeral if that were the case. In my opinion BM "buried" that relationship long ago and doesn't belong. That may sound cold hearted but I'm not sorry.
Parent, It's a verb, not a noun.
My thought is, though,
would the kids ever forgive DH if he DIDN'T go? I think they would be hurt, and rightfully so. I know that BM has put us through a lot but even still, the kids will need all the support they can get...in the end, though, we'll probably ask them what they're most comfortable with us doing- if they'd rather we just sent flowers & cards to the other family members, or if they'd want us (or just DH) to go to the wake & funeral as well.
But then, a few days later, I'd probably go out with some of my friends and have a few drinks to celebrate!
When my first husband died I invited his ex for the kids sake
They were married longer than we were and I thought the kids would need their mom at that time.
It was horrible and wretched and awkward but I lived through it. My DH ex will not be invited, the kids will be older. This ex can kiss my behind.
A parents job is to eat as much sh*t as we have to so that the children do not."
Hell no
If BM kicked the bucket I would never go to her funeral wake or whatever!!! I will be having a flipping cocktail and a cig! I'm sure my FH would go to be supportive of his daughter but why would I waste my time to fly 3 states away and waste more of our money that she has siphoned away over the years to watch her be put in the ground???? I shudder to even think. Sorry I'm not as nice as the rest of you guys let your FHs, DHs, b/f whatever be supportive to their own kids. If my Ex died I wouldn't go to his funeral either - to what pay my respects? He didn't give me any respect when he was living and treated his son like he didn't even exist.
Really you guys?
If your own kids other parent died you wouldn't be there at the funeral to support them? I can't beleive that. I think that is a very harsh thing to say, or even debate. I know I'd odd man out on this one, but I really think you should be there to support your kids. It has nothing to do with the person that is dead, other than it's a kid's (that you love) other parent. Won't they need you to help them through it?
When my father died my mom was there for me and my brother. I'll never forget her being there for me. I didn't care for my SM, I'll admit it. I only met her a few times and she had no interest in me or my brother. So when the day came and my father was gone, if my mother hadn't been there for me I would have been very uncomfortable. My mom kept her place, she stayed out of sight as much as possible. She was only there for us, and we both know and remember it.
I would never let my SD go through her mother's death without DH being right by her side.
They'll have lots of support, DH has no business there
I completely disagree. The children can go with other family members, the bm's grandparents, siblings, ect. and at least in most cases the bm's family can't usually stand the ex (dh), so another reason that wouldn't be appropriate. Thats still a family/close friend type affair so I don't think ex's belong there. Especially in situations where there are lingering bad feelings, that would only add fuel to the fire.
I've been really blessed finding a great husband, because he believes like I do that even if you have kids, you don't have to have the ex in your life. The ex can't make you include her in your life, but too many people allow it and then wonder why their miserable. We really wouldn't care what happened to the ex either way, just not a concern whatsoever.
I kind of have a kid's point
I kind of have a kid's point of view on this subject, well sort of since it involves the death of a grandparent instead of a BM or BF. My parents we're both divorced, and I have an older brother from Dad's first marriage and an older sister from Mom's first marriage. After they married, they had me....two years later my twin sisters. So I come from a 'blended" family.
When my paternal Grandmother passed away, I attended the service with my parents. I was sitting next to my mother when she suddenly sucked in her breath and hissed at me......I can't believe she's here....what is she doing here? I turned around and saw my father's former wife sitting in the back of the church. I knew my mom was under a lot of stress at the time, but she was PISSED OFF when she saw Dad's ex. I said....Mom....her son is also Dad's son, her cousin is my Godfather and Grandma was also her MIL. She has a lot of ties to Dad's family and she's just paying her respects.
Now keep in mind, my parents had been married for 29 years at this point. They had always had what I thought was an amicable relationship with my brother's BM. So I was very shocked by my mother's reaction and I was 28 at the time. I can't imagine how I would have felt about it had I been a kid.
I guess we'll never really know how we'd handle these situations until we're actually in them. And hopefully they'll turn out better than we expect.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Miss Piggy
That answer would be no
There is no way DH would go to the wake or funeral. He probably couldn't control his laughter anyway. BM is a drama queen and she would get him on the last word......him being a no show on her big day.
I agree that the party would begin though. She is the cause of so much misery to our life and the boys as well.
Movie title is most appropriate.......Better of Dead
I already went through this
My first not-so DH died and I had all 6 of the kids, my one and his 5. He had been married to his ex for 17 years and to me for 7. His Ex was Satan-not kidding, not exaggerating-Satan. I invited her to go. I told her when it was. At a time like that, like it or not, kids need their bio parents and their step-parents. That's just how it is. I even picked out the coffin with her. I know it sounds lame, but I was glad she was there. I needed her to console the kids while I dealt with my own feelings.
"A parents job is to eat as much sh*t as we have to so that the children do not."
I would go to BM's funeral
In a hot pink dress.
Just kidding.
I wouldn't go at all... but I wouldn't be mad at DH if he went because the only reason he would go is for Blabb.
As for BM going to DH's funeral... so be it. The only reason why she would go is for Blabb.
I just asked my DH and he
I just asked my DH and he said no, probably not. But as much as I hate her, I would hate it more if she died. No way would I want to deal wih her son, and we'd be the ones that would have to take him. I wouldn't want to deal with any kid that just lost a parent! Talk about turning your world upside down. I saw how he acted when he was taken from her when she was put in jail. I'm sure he'd be twice as pleasant if she died!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Maybe....
I would go, except for the fear that I would get arrested for being the reason she is in the coffin in the first place!!!! Seriously, if my SS's wanted me and Dh to be there, we would simply for them. Heck, might as well, we would be in town anyway to pick ss's up and bring them HOME!! Now look, ya'll done got me excited thinking about the possibility that someday, I will no longer have to deal with her!!! I know, I'm a horrible person, but at least I could make sure my ss's weren't being abused physically and sexually anymore.
I wouldn't go
and I doubt that my DH would "want to go" but obviously he would want to be there for his kids. It would be the right thing to do I think.
hmmm...
I can see both sides of this situation. If BM died, would I feel relieved in a way? Yes. Would DH and I BOTH go the the funeral, yes for the kids' sake. They would definitely need their dad. But the kicker here...I did not sign up for "full time step-parenting". If BM died, obviously the girls would come to live with us and I'm not so sure ME or DH would be all that happy about it. We like the visitation situation like it is now, however f-ed everything else is with BM...we don't have to have the kids all the time and it's nice since we are both so busy with our careers and travel constantly. DH had a miserable 10 year marriage with BM...he deserves to have a good marriage and time to enjoy it without kids around everyday, feeling sorry for their mom and talking about her constantly...having bad attitudes because dad got married again. It ain't fun!
DH and I came home from our honeymoon early last October because BM's mother committed suicide and wanted us to be at the funeral. Well, probably not me, but I went anyway because I am DH's wife and we are a family now. We do everything together. We were there for the kids, like we were supposed to be, then we went home.
If DH died, I would not allow that crazy b**ch anywhere near the funeral. And if she showed up, I would have her escorted out. The way she has treated DH and I, she doesn't deserve to be there...kids or not. And if my husband were no longer here, what would stop me from kicking BM's a** and making HER life completely miserable for a change?? NOTHING!!
Yes
BM has done a lot to us, but only out of spite and mental illness.
But there is no way I would abandon SD in that moment.
"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?" ~Hamlet Act III scene I
I do think my husband would
I do think my husband would go pay his respects for the kids sake. Part of me would want to go also for the kids sake but then another part of me wouldn't want to go out of respect for the rest of BM's family but also because when I see someone else cry.....especially the kids it makes me wanna cry. I guess I am just weird that way. And if I were to go and have to avoid crying I would have to sing funny little songs in my head like "ding dong the witch is dead." Course that might cause me to smile or laugh so again, I am not sure if I would go. As much as I hate BM I would never wish her to die, I lost my dad when I was 12, I am now 26 and still have a hard time coping with it.
I'm sorry for your loss.
(((Hugs)))