Is it OK to...snoop, spy, read. I feel it's the only option.
Hello everyone!
I have a question. I think I know the answer, but I am hoping someone will ease my guilt. LOL
Is it OK to look through a child's things? Yes, I am talking about children under the age of 18. We have some children in our home that refuse to talk. They have been very well trained to not say anything to the point that if we ask them what they had for lunch they literally say "I don't remember." Not talking has led to one of the SK's (SD16) to leave our home and refuse to come back. It has been 4 months now. I feel like it is our only option to read journals or look through notebooks. This SK will NOT talk and says everything is just fine yet hides in their room the entire time they are at our house. When you ask a question, a simple question, they shake in their boots.
I would love to know some opinions on this subject.
Thank you!
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Read on sister. That's a
Read on sister. That's a parents perogotive. (spelled right?)
Until they are 18 you are in control. You need to provide privacy too, but if there's issues that you need to get to the bottom of then you need to snoop!
That's a tough line.
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
I really believe in trusting in the kids UNTIL they prove you wrong-unless you see signs that something is amiss. Then you have, I think, a responsiblity, for their own good, to check things out.
Once they cross the line, and their behaviour indicates you can't trust them, it's time to become a detective.
I do believe that kids shouldn't have private computer access, tho. I've seen too much-even cell phones shouldn't be considered private. Because kids are now into using these tools for purposes that aren't healthy-like the recent naked photos on the cell phones of student in one school. Like the internet predators.
I think that's a mistake
A journal isn't meant to be invaded. Don't take that sanctuary away from your kid. I journaled like crazy when I was a teenager, in fact, I just reread them all earlier this week. My mom did at one point read them, and busted me for the things i was doing, and let me tell you, half a book after that was "F you!" and I just carried them with me everywhere after that, so she'd never be able to invade my privacy. Most kids though, would simply stop writing, and that's the worst thing. I say no, don't read the journal, snoop if you must, but that's a sacred line...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
I would read but never tell them
Bring up any problems in some other way . . . don't say where you got that idea. Say you were watching a lifetime movie on it, etc. Then you can have the conversation, know the real scoop, but keep their trust.
If they bust you, oh well. You are the parent and it is your responsibility to protect them. There is no real privacy until they are out of your house. They will try to intimidate you otherwise, but don't fall for it.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Stop making people a
Stop making people a priority in your life that only make you an option in theirs! author unknown
Yes absolutely!!! I look and find things that are very concerning at times and I feel that if I did not snoop then we would have some major problems. My sk's are exactly like you stated the bm has drilled them everytime they come home from our house and they are very tight lipped when they come to our house. We do not drill them like that we just are worried the bad effect bm has upon them, they will lie to her just to tell her what she wants to hear. I want my bd and sd's to have a good relationship with us and be open, my bd are open and talk but on the other hand sd's are very quite and you can tell something is bothering them and they just say nothing. It is very frustrating. Most of the questionable things I have found snooping have been sd's, so I feel it is necessary since they won't talk to us about things.
That is tough
My BS11 just got upset with me because I read through his text messages between he and his "girl friend". I explained to him that this is my home and I have access to everything in it. On the other hand, I told my son that I will do my best to respect his privacy. And I do. I read his journal once when he and DH were having some problems because, like your skids, he wasn't opening up. I never told him and I never busted him for the things I found in there that I could have. But I did get some insight that helped me deal with it better. I had NO idea the problems stemmed from his loyalty issues.
I think if you can handle what you may read it might be okay. But my oldest is only 11. I may feel different when they are older. I'm just musing out loud here, because violating that trust could be really detrimental. Did she leave and not come back, but left her journals?
Snooping
Thank you for the opinions and suggestions so far. I do appriciate it.
Let me add a few more details. #1) We have some PAS going on. #2) As I mentioned one of the SK's has stopped coming to our house. She left one night and when we figured out she wasn't coming back it was a complete shock! She lied to myself, DH and BM (BM bought it, we have proof of the lie) about where she was and has absolutely refused to talk to us since that night. We have no idea what prompted this. She has been exclusivley with BM for 4 months and BM works 13 hour days on the days she is scheduled to work. This leaves SD16 at home alone without any supervision. I feel this is why she skipped out on us...so she could have her "freedom" or be alone with the boyfriend. PS: BM also left SD16 at home alone (with another 16 yr. old friend "to supervise her") for a weekend that she went out of town. We tried to exercise our "right of first refusal" and guess what? SD refused!
The SK in question, still comes over as scheduled, but I don't want to end up in the same situation with her in a few years. It would kill DH. What I can tell you is that without doing much snooping I have dicovered (by stumbling upon notes) that SD is extremely boy crazy. It was a bit uncomfortable for me to read. I am worried about this kid being the youngest and being overlooked. I think she learned from the older ones and she should be watched. I can also see where she has the "nobody loves me)" attitude and I am afraid she will run off with the first jerk that pays attention to her. PS on that: I'm not to crazy about SD16's BF either.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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"All power is from within therefore under our control." - Robert Collier
No question in my mind about this subject....
As long as my daughter and step-daughter live in my house. I will look at what i feel is necessary. They are children and they will make mistakes and do crazy things without guidance.
I pay the bills for them, I purchase clothes for them, I make sure they have a bedroom and things to, if they have a cell phone and other things it is because i gave it to them.
I feel it is my job to protect them from things that they do that could hurt them, I will at any and all times feel free to check and look at what is necessary to do this.
How would i feel if she were writing about suicide or something else that could hurt her or other people and did not do everything about it to stop it - if it were in my power. I was to busy worrying about her privacy and missed the opportunity to save her life or someone else's life. Hell, i will read what i feel is necessary to read.
A parent's responsbility is to raise their children to the best of their knowledge and to protect them from dangers seen and unseen to the best of their ability. That doesnot only mean placating them and keeping them happy. It means everything. If it is not a comfortable situation - they parent must step up and be a parent.
Hell yeah, I will look at any and everything necessary in order to raise my kids the best i can and protect them from what i can. At all times.
And too bad if they don't like it. I am the parent - not their best friend. AND i realize they will not always like my rules or me for that fact. However - i do it cause i love them and will always do so.
I do it all the time
Doesn't mean I do anything about it, It just answers my questions if I have any, I beleive in picking and choosing my battles? if they don't want it to be found, keep it out of my house, I found that if I confront them they just lie to my face.
Snooping
That's what I have come to. If I have questions, I'll look, but I won't do anything about it. If I saw something that needed intervention of course I would do something. I guess I'm thinking since she isn't talking...I need to be able to put together a pattern or know if it's BM or us or possibly something completely unrelated that is causing her foul attitude.
I had no idea, and would never had assumed, she was boy crazy or even knew that boys exsisted until I came across this note.
This kids is in my house! It's not like we aren't paying attention or asking questions. We just aren't getting answers.
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"All power is from within therefore under our control." - Robert Collier