Why are parents so afraid of being parents and trying to be their friends? This will only fail them in the journey of life.

I was raised by a single mom and raised similar to "disgusted's" parenting style.

All 3 of the children are professionals, have great families and earn way over 100K each.

We never asked for anything and earned our keep. We knew we were poor and strived to help our mom.

What is wrong with BM's and BF's that they guilt parent their kids straight to poverty in this me generation?

We are going through issues that SS thinks he deserves anything and everything. I told him that xbox and TV were not to be watched just because you wanted to as his dad and I are not required by law to give him either of these things and that if he wants them then he needs to earn the time he gets on them. I use the example that we do not have the house, cars, TV, xbox, vacations, food, and clothes cause dad and I sit home and do nothing we have all these things because we got to work everyday and make the money to earn them. He has a list of chores that he is required to do and none of which does he get paid for. he says why do I not get allowance for these things and I ask him who pays me to wash clothes, cook, and clean....nobody! SS is 8 1/2 and he is going to spend his summer days when he is with us at the grandparents where he is going to feed the cows, work the weed eater, and other various types of farm work for which he will be compensated but not no $50 or whatever a week maybe $20. His grandfather is a hard working no nonsense get after it type of man so we think this will be good for SS this summer. BM thinks he should sleep late and do nothing but play all summer. Now I am all for sleeping late some days and him being a kid and enjoying his summer which he will do when we go to disney, swimming, movies etc but he needs to learn the value of dollar and hard work and how to be proud of himself and what he has done!

So right on for making kids work for what they want. I was not handed anything and have worked public job since I was 15 and babysat since 12!

I saw him on the View yesterday, and found a link on Oprah regarding the Narcissism study he did.

Here's a link-

http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahandfriends/gking/gking_20070208

I do think our culture is feeding/creating an epidemic of personality disorders. The increase in divorce is both reflective and contributory as well.

I truly hope the economic crisis we face due to living outside our means for so many decades will force a change toward conservation of resources rather than plundering them. I hope my kids, SD in particular can finally get that everything is not disposable. I was so mad yesterday to find that she made herself a ham sandwich for breakfast, using a ton of ham, ate half and threw the rest away. She uses a 20 oz bottle of conditioner a week. I bought her a family size replacement, and told her it will last a month. She just starts arguing that the one I gave her when she was out (it was one of mine and I had used about 3 oz out of a 20 oz bottle) was only a quarter full when she got it last week. When DH heard me continuing to tell her that it was only an inch missing from the top, he chanted my mantra that I use on him in such situations back to me- "Don't take the BAIT! Don't take the BAIT!" Which was cool and I stopped trying to reason with the unreasonable. Then he told SD, "Regardless of how much you used this week, you will not have a replacement bottle of conditioner til April 17th!" She was peeved.

I just don't get it. Where do they get the idea that when they plunder through the Nestles Quik, eat out of the ice cream container and deny it, fill up their cereal bowls multiple times, that it is automatically replaced? I think part of SD's issue is not just BPD, but the fact that DH and BM shopped at a wholesale club, buying snacks in bulk. So there was this incredible supply to be ravaged through. We don't shop there for snacks anymore, just for TP, kleenex, etc. Even then, they seem to use half a roll of TP, or go through a box of keleenex in one night at times. I just don't get that.

Anyway, I don't have a good answer, but the questions have been plaguing me for sometime. It's like the relatives/extended family giving SD 50 bucks a pop, or my sons' SM's family giving the boys 50 bucks a pop for Christmas. Why is that what Christmas is about? My SD's friend (well... not this week so we'll say my neighbor/friend's daughter) gets about 400 bucks cash from various family at the holidays, and those that don't get her money buy her expensive presents. My friend said her daughter told her this year, "I don't want to wear the Uggs, they're too expensive and I just don't feel I should have them." Her mom's response?

"Oh no...you DESERVE them. Why wouldn't you DESERVE them?"

Here's a kid who seems to be getting it somewhat on her own and her own mom is contradicting it due to her own insecurities growing up.

Ugh. Or is that UGG!

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert

It is so unfair for parents to NOT prepare their children for real (adult) life. In this forum we read about indulgent, guilt-ridden parenting all the time, and I personally think that parenting style can be labeled ABUSE--just like beating up your kid or any other horrendous things that parents can unload on their children.

I have witnesses firsthand the results of abusive parenting. I met the stepbrats when they were priviledged, entitled, lazy, indulged, teenagers. Wouldn't even clean the snow off the cars that Daddy bought for them--"Eeeewwww, there's yucky SNOW on my car--Daddy clean it for me!!!" And Daddy would, of course.

They were completely unprepared for the real world, and when finally faced with the reality that they did not prepare for college and they had to work for a living, 4 out of the 5 stepbrats literally decompensated.

One found her career through prostitution and muling (running drugs for a dealer/pimp). One spent time in jail for assault, lives with Mommy, and works part-time to support a drug habit. One is a high-class prostitute. One is working a minimum wage job and flunking college, And the last stepbrat is graduating college with a 4 year degree this May.

One success out of 5 children! The other 4 stepbrats we taxpayers will support for the rest of their lives.

Is this the future that the guilt-ridden, indulgent parents want for their children? Must be, because they are not interested in preparing their kids to be responsible adults. Instead, they selfishly cater to their own immediate need for love and attention, and choose to ignore the long-term well-being of their children.

Sounds like abuse to me.

My SD's can eat through $150.00 worth of groceries in 3 days. I thought it was just because they don't get food when they are with their mother. Same thing that Sita said, make a huge sandwich, eat half, throw it away. Fill a huge cup with drink, and dump half of it out. I can buy a bunch of bananas and they are gone in one day.

DH and I do NOT act like this. I get on to them about it, and DH just tells me "don't buy anymore", which I understand, but then there is that part of me that feels guilty because I want them to have healthy foods to snack on and don't think they get to eat when they are with their mother. Guess I am wrong. Funny how I'm the guilt parenter in this situation.

Oh, and don't even get me started on the entitlement issue. We pay SD's to do one chore a day, if they do them all, they get $5 on Friday. If they don't do them all, they get nothing. SD14 says she "can't wait to get a job" but hasn't done her chores in 3 or 4 weeks. So, she whines and complains when she wants money to do something, but hasn't worked for it. This is the one aspect of parenting that I agree with DH about. If you want something, do something to earn it. Mow the lawn, weed the garden, help with painting/repairs in the house, etc. We live in a rural area, so babysitting isn't that easy, but I wouldn't trust SD14 to watch a child, I've seen her "babysit" her half sister.

I think a lot of this comes from parents telling their kids that "everyone is a winner!" "Your the Princess" "You are soooo special!" Guess what, you're not always a winner, and theres a cold chance in hell that you will ever be a princess, so get back to reality and spank your child when they misbehave!

and evil when I tell him that SS's (18 & 20) need to pay for things on their own. Last year, we gave SS $500 dollars toward a car, but it was towed and he never bothered to get it back. I was FURIOUS that SS was so ungrateful and irresponsible! He supposedly offered to pay us back, but my "Guilt-Parenting" DH said no. A month ago, we took other SS and his friend to dinner and bought SS a new hamster. When we drove him home, his friend thanked us for dinner, but SS didn't thank us for dinner or the hamster. A month has gone by without hearing from SS and out of the blue my DH gets a text message from SS that says "Dinner on Wed"? I told my DH how rude that is and he needs to tell SS that we're not taking his friend to dinner every time we get together. DH tells me I'm being mean and I'm coldhearted. I just want to shake him and say "wake up, when are you going to get it"?

them be kids for a while.

As a child my parents provided everything they could for my brothers and I. Toys, clothes, nice homes, safe transportation and even some more luxury stuff like motorcycles, etc ...

But, when I hit ~12yo the extras were on me. If I wanted a 10speed rather than my used Schwinn with the banana seat and the three speed big stick shift them I had to earn the money, when I decided rather than a 10speed I wanted a BMX bike ....... same deal. Interestingly as I got older and got past the latest trends in bicycles it is the used yellow Schwinn with the banana seat that has a sentimental spot in my memories. Mom and Dad bought me that bike when I was 10 used from the Schwinn dealership shortly after we moved from over seas back to the states. I miss that bike!

To fund the things that I wanted that Mom and Dad would not deliver I would mow yards, babysit, clean weeds out of vegetable gardens, etc .... As I got older I taught swim lessons in the summer and coached summer swim league once I got my WSI certification from the Red Cross. It is amazing what a parent will pay to get rid of a kid for a half out to an hour swim lesson.

I learned the same lesson that we all have as parents and we learned it as kids and young adults. Take care of your stuff because you may not get another if you don't care for the one you have.

Our job is to raise them to be viable adults. Our job is not to provide them with everything they want when they want it and be their beck and call providers.

Best regards,

Sounds like you did an awesome job with your daughters. Very reasonable expectations that taught them responsibility. I tried to do the same with mine, who are both self-supporting college grads. No grandbabies, yet, unfortunately...
I hope your DH can hear you about this.
I think today's kids are already spoiled, most of them, and then divorce becomes another tool for them to guilt their parents.