I'm exhausted and want it to be over!
Okay, I need you guys to weigh in on this one. I've hit the maximum stepmom capacity, and my DH is about to go wacko. I posted this in general forums but wanted to post in my blog as well, I need all the help I can get.
We went to Milwaukee and Chicago for the weekend to visit MIL and my dad in chicago. We basically spent a few hours with his mom, let SD8 spend the night, and went to see my dad afterwards. Well as you may know SD8 has been having many many behavioral issues at school (throwing away her lunch, fighting, interrupting the teacher, and being angry and distant at home). So, DH before we went over MILs, told his mom of her issues and that even though we are coming over she is still on punishment. Bascially she had to complete some math problems while she was over there. Well in picking her up, MIL brought a bunch of junk food to be included in SD8's lunches, because against what SD8 might claim, SD8 manipulated her GM into getting this junk for her it included chips, twinkies, and juice. WTF! I mean it isn't that we cant afford that stuff it is the principle, that SD8 always wants her way - and if we include juice she doesn't like the particular juice or she doesn't eat it in a protest to get what she wants. So, we don't include it temporarily. So, DH is just angry leaving his moms house and he proceeds to ask SD8 what happened and for her to tell him the whole story on what they discussed.
Basically SD8 tells us that she gossiped with her GM about the fact that she doesn't want to live with us anymore, that she hates her lunches, that she is mad at us because we won't let her where big A&& ghetto hoop earrings, and that I don't let her rule over my BD9mo. So, DH gets so mad that we almost get in an accident on the freeway and I ask him to pull over to a gass station so that we can all discuss. Well she just proceeds to tell us through tears (because she is scared that her dad is going to just combust) that she told them that I - her stepmom acts different when I'm in public, then I am at home, and that she wants to be able to act as she does with her small cousins (that are under 2) with her sister.
First thing, SD8 never talks to me at home, matter-of-fact she gives the whole house the silent treatment. She comes in the house and never even says hi to her half-sister. So, her little cousin's mom is basically a mom at 18 and lets her little children get raised by everyone and their mama...so I'm NOT the one to let a little 8-year old tell my little girl what to do and boss her around, that isn't how you are a sister. And SD8 needs to figure that out. Also, when I'm in public, people TALK to me, so if you talk to me, you will get spoken to. Not once did I really talk to SD8 while we were over there, but she just felt my energy different because everyone else was being cordial and I was talking to grownups.
Basically, I'm concerned about how she talks to other people when we aren't around. I'm concerned that she tells even our friends information such as this when she spends the nights with friends, and I now will never let my BD8 be over my MILs house alone at all, especially when I know they discuss me and my parenting abilities and my husbands behind my back. NEVER.
So, DH bascially says, he has had it - and if her mom where to call us tomorrow and demand her back - he'll give her back. He doesn't want BD9mo to go through the emotional distress that this has caused our household...or want BD8 to rub off on her in any way. A healthy medium would be giving her to his MIL and let her and the family raise her since that seems to be what she wants.
We are tired, its been 3 years and no progress, and I don't want to be the scowled looking mom all of the time. I don't want this to be 11 years of drama. I'm not this type of person, and I want to be happy for my kids. I really need to know from you stepmoms that have been around the block, have done it for the long haul and have issues, that if you where to do it again or where to be in my situation would you just keep her or just say adios?
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fulltime Sms
There are a couple of full time SMs on the board so hopefully, they will chime in to help you. I did live with my SD for 1 year and then we shipped her off to college but that is different from your situation.
I am a full time stepmom too....
And like Cruella, my DH would not tolerate any disrespect from his children toward me...our situation is a little different because my skids are so thankful by the better life my DH and I have given them...suffice it to say SD11 had a "urinary tract infection" from wearing dirty underwear probably for a week and BM tried to tell us the dr. said she had gotten her period.....yea ok,,,well she is 11 now and still doesn't have her period yet....so this just tells you the kind of environment my skids came from....that being said...in the process of them adjusting to our rules and expectations, there were a few times where we told the kids...if u don't like it here...go find yur mom and live with her....and we were serious...sometimes u have to let these kids go back and experience squalor or neglect so that they can truly appreciate the home that they have with SM and BD. You have to be truly serious about letting her go back and be able to let her go....which is VERY hard, but at some point I think u and yur DH will just be so tired of hearing her say she doesn't want to live with u, u will say just go then...see how good yur life will be!! I agree with Cruella 100% that if you hear any badmouthing, etc...everything will be taken away...the bottom line is...IMHO anyway...the kids need to live in a healthy environment...right now all they care about is living where they can have the most power... strip them of their NEED for power and u win ;)....let her go back...I bet she's back to u and DH in no time....
"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"
Wow.
As a SM AND an SD, kids DO complain about ALL adult authority figures in their lives at some point. I complained a lot to my grandparents about my parents and stepmother. But my grandparents always found a way to both support me and back the adults up, by saying things like, "You don't have to agree with what your parents do, but you do need to obey them and respect their decisions. They love you and are always looking out for you." My dad's mother bought me a diary in which I could vent my feelings. That really helped. They also helped me to find polite and respectful ways to tell my parents my side of the story.
I think your DH needs to have a good talk with your MIL about this. Maybe she could try my grandparents' strategy.
I know you have said that you might not be able to financially swing it but I really think SD8 needs counseling. Even though it costs a lot of money, it has the great potential of being a HUGE sanity-saver for everyone, including SD. I think she's got a lot of pent-up feelings about a lot of things and needs professional help in learning appropriate ways to vent them.
I also think DH should talk with your MIL about having SD move in. Is she willing to raise another kid? Is she willing to help SD with her issues and get her professional help? Can she financially swing it? Can she be a good emotional support to SD in helping her overcome her issues?
IF everyone arrives at the conclusion that it's best for SD to move in with MIL, have her move during the summer and "prepare" her by having her spend ALL of her school breaks at MIL's house. MIL can then figure out a routine, chores and discipline for SD and start to implement them while SD spends her breaks with MIL, and MIL and DH can work out a visitation agreement for him to see SD. If SD has cousins in that area that are her age she can hang out with them and meet their friends. If, in the end, it is decided that SD will move in with MIL, have her move in with MIL early on in her summer break and have MIL plan some activities for her where she can meet kids her own age. Maybe MIL could also look for support groups for kids with divorced parents in Milwaukee and the surrounding area. If SD is going to move in with MIL, then she and DH should work out an amount of CS he will pay her to help her financially support his child and get it signed by a Wisconsin judge.
About her not speaking to you or BD when she sees either of you, that needs to change, regardless of whether SD will be moving or not. There need to be strict consequences for not acknowledging you and BD. She doesn't have to hug, kiss or touch either of you but she does have to say a basic, cordial "Hi, (SM and/or BD), how are you", respond to you politely when you speak to her, and politely say "Goodbye, (SM and/or BD), I'll see you again soon" when leaving. She doesn't have to love or like either of you but she does have to find a way to get along with both of you.
About SD's moving, I'm torn about that one. I think she's already had a lot of upheaval in her life. But on the other hand, if MIL can help her get her act together and give her love and emotional support, and encourage her to make her relationships with you, BD and DH better, then it could benefit everyone, especially SD.
Counseling
Yes, I am going to be getting her some counseling sessions. We're going to work it out. I have a few including in my EAP program at work, and then we are going to see what we can do after that. She does need to vent to another source other than ours.
That's great!
I think that will be a great help to her. You can also get in touch with her school psychiatrist.
Im not a full time sm
but i think they gave some good advise.......
Hope things work out for you and your family.
My thoughts on this
I am a full time SM to two. SS12 and SD13. I have had them F/T since they were 5.5 and 7. I am going to warn that you will probably not like what I am going to say, but here goes.
Living with MIL would not be an option. I know easier said than done, but she would never be made to feel that she has that to fall on. First because you don't know how much of the behavior is because she wants to live with MIL and therefore behaves in a manner to get her desiered results. Second, living with MIL does not change the behaviors. All it does is place the behaviors under a different roof. Again, I know easier sad than done BUT I can truly speak it because I too have lived it. In our situation the kids wanted every other month to go live with BM. WHY? Because there were rules to follow at our house. Children did not dictate in our home and they could do whatever they wanted with BM. We knew that if the kids went to live with BM, they would eventually end up back on our doorstep because BM doesn't know how to parent. She has admitted to me that she "don't know how you do it, because I couldn't!" Hmmmm. That spoke volumes. It said that the move would be temporary and that the kids would be far worse when they were returned to us and more entitled and not more accepting of our house rules either. So, YES it was hard and at times it felt like I was living in hell, but I KNOW that it was for the better. I know kids see it, but don't always want to accept that it is better with us but I KNOW they KNOW that it is. In all actuality, BM would probably not here from them. THey only call her when we have said no to buying or allowing a particular something. If we gave in to their every whim she would not have any relationship with them.
I am not sure of the age of your MIL. She may very well want to raise SD. I just don't think that it is her place. It is DHs and the BMs. In the absence of BM and now that you are married to DH that responsibility falls to you. Not to get on a soapbox, but we have so many kids being raised by Grandparents and lets face it. Some grandparents are up in age and tired of fighting with kids, so they give in alot more than someone younger and more firmer would. It is not necessarily the case that all kids raised by grandparents (nowadays) are better off. Sometimes there are health issues and just more lax punishments. It is a daunting task, but it IS DHs responsibility.
I agree with Cruella and the ones before me. I would set my house rules. SD doesn't have to like them, but she has to obey them. I would have a talk with MIL AND SD and explain to MIL the reasons for your decisions. No, I do not feel that you owe that to her, but it goes a lot further by just giving her that courtesy. Explain that you do not wish for SD to grow up feeling entitled and disrespectful and that you think it is A) important that she be raised by one of HER parents,
that she be raised in a home with rewards AND consequences, C) that she be raised WITH her sister. Three years is a long time, but in step family years it is nothing. Step family years are almost like dog years, really. Explain to MIL that you have SDs best interest at heart and you want her to grow up to be the kind, caring and respectful young lady that you know she can be. But that in order to do that you will need her help. Help in reinforcing consequences and rules. If MIL is a smart woman, I think she will be more accepting of the changes and more willing to pitch in and help out.
Set some house rules to include behavior, school, appropriate clothing (earrings and any other items). SMake her EARN her privileges or set up a reward system that will encourage the good behaviors and consequences that will discourage the negative. Trust me. If I could do it with what cards i was dealt (negative, bipolar BM and kids who thought I was the devil reincarnate for expecting them to behave and say please and thank you). They would tell on me every day. It was very hard, but I have their respect. Recently BM pulled a stunt and called CPS on DH for spanking SS. BM later asked the skids if they wanted to come live with her. Both of them answered a resounding NO! So, no they do not like the rules here, but they know a good thing when they see it.
Two things: I was going through a very difficult time with being a SM and wanted to feed them to the sharks. No really, I was ready to throw in the towel and my mom said to me: "Act like you are on the playground with a bully in a schoolyard fight. Draw your line in the sand and stand on it." And I did. I did not flinch, waver or move on my principles and DH supported me. The kids eventually got the message.
Second thing is: It takes a village to raise a child. ~ African Proverb. BUILD your village.
Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P
Good thoughts!
My grandmother was largely raised by her grandparents because her mother died when she was little. She is a wonderful person. The father, as much as he loved his children, could not always look after them.
Her grandparents did a wonderful job. They were good people who were hardworking. They took good care of my grandmother and her siblings. All of the children (her and her siblings) grew up to be great people.
Maybe if DH talked to MIL she would be willing to do things differently. Plus, we don't know how MIL feels about it. Obviously DH turned out OK so MIL did something right!
I think that, regardless of whether SD moves in with MIL or not, it's going to take all 4 of them (SD, DH, SM and MIL) to have some good discussions to get to the root of the problem.
Anon
I do believe that some GPs are great with raising kids. I never meant to seem as though ALL were not. I do know some that are. But that being said I must say that times are different from when your Gma was raised by her GPs. The face of a family unit has changed drastically as evidenced by all of us on here. Some GPs are very old and some are very young. It is hard for a young person to make it financially in our economy, now think of how much harder it is for the elderly on fixed incomes. NOW add a child to the mix that they more than likely get no real or substantial financial assistance with. A difficult task. Not only that consider that kids are a lot more disrespectful and mouthy than we or our GPs were coming up. The core values in alot of homes have changed.
Not only that we see a lot of young parents and even younger GPs. I can speak on this one because I was a parent at 18 AND since my parents had me at 19 that means that they were GPs at 37. I chose to raise my daughter and it made me the person that I am being a young single mother, but my parents offered to raise my BD so that I could continue with my goals of going off to college. I felt that it was not their responsibility. Now they did help me, but the responsibility was mine in my eyes. I was blessed that I had the support of my parents, but I can say that I know many who were in my situation who did not. They did not get the guidance and many of them went on to have several other kids out of wedlock and allowed the television to raise them, mainly MTV and BET. So when the kids became foul mouthed little wanna be street thugs the parents couldn't control them and the streets finished raising them. In the meantime THEY went on and became parents and left THEIR kids on those same parents who were unable to properly care for them. I am not saying that this is the case in this situation. I am saying that it HAPPENS. Even more of what I'm saying and it is not meant as a slight or offense, but SD is DHs responsibility. It is great that MIL wants to be involved, but in all fairness DH and SM are NOW the parents and should have PRIMARY say.
I do believe that your Gmas situation was a special situation. Had her BM lived she would have never ended up with GPs. Just my observation. But you are correct, many GPs are great with parenting, but I guess what I want to say most is that MIL has raised her kid(s), NOW it is time for DH to do the same. Definitely not an easy task, but it will never get any easier if he passes it on to someone else and SD will NEVER respect him.
I had a girlfriend who was adopted by an aunt. She had older and younger siblings. BUT her BM got rid of her. As an adult she had a relationship with her BM, but she never truly respected her because of the decision to let someone else raise her while she kept the others. My GF had so many identity issues as a result of that as I'm sure you can imagine. She never felt GOOD enough. THAT is the problem that usually comes into play when there are other siblings especially when one of the parents is not shared. Again, just my life observations. I'm no Therapist nor am I educated on the issue.
Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P
I know
Every situation is different. I see so many young grandparents. I have a friend my age (mid-forties) who is a grandma. Her daughter is like you were and gets support from her mom, but she has the most responsibility. I think it's great whenever grandparents are involved. This young woman is a wonderful mother and is working hard to provide a good life for her and her son. The father isn't really in the picture too much by his own choice. She does receive child support from him, but it's not a lot. This young woman works her tail off.
I also agree that most grandparents raised their kids and now want their kids to raise their grandkids. The Octo-Mom situation comes to mind. Her parents raised her, I don't know if they want to now raise 14 kids.
I personally think that SD's staying with her dad and SM is a good idea, especially if she'll begin to receive counseling soon. I think that could help her a great deal. I think this little girl has been through a lot and counseling will help her to process it, cope with it and vent it appropriately.
I'm so sorry about your GF. That must have been a very painful situation to grow up in.
Principalist, thanks.
You gave me the advice that I would have given to others in my situation if I was asked. I needed that. A part of me is like, I'm going to win this battle - if I give in, then she wins. And I don't like to lose. However, sometimes it is HARDER THAN HELL to get that girl to just learn. She scapegoats everything and everyone she can. And it is unfortunate that before my BD is 1 that she is involved in all of these arguements and that isn't fair. I agree that Grandmothers shouldn't be raising kids...that is the reason that a big percentage of our children are wacked out now. They do a good job, but they are definately more lax on the rules. DH did talk to his mom today and got some positive results. SD8 did manipulate her into getting things that she knew wouldn't fly, however she said she wanted to get them because that was her granddaughter. Anyway, thanks for your advice. I really needed what you said. This is just going to be a crazy couple of years to get her on the right track.
GrooveTheory
You're welcome. I'm glad that you took what I was saying to heart. I know that I can be a bit much to take. I'm sure most probably see it is me and skip on past. I am very opinionated, but it is more that I have strong views. I do not wish to bash anyone else for not sharing said views. I just try to provide a prospective that is often overlooked. I don't know how to sugarcoat I only know how to just SAY it. I know we can sometimes (notice I said WE, myself included) get on a topic and everyone offer the same viewpoint. But sometimes what a person NEEDS to hear is that which they do not WANT to hear. I was good at not wanting to HEAR the truth. After a lot of soul searching and holding the mirror up to my own words and actions and facing some HARD truths. I know of no other way to be and I apologize if it is too much at times. I just know that my growth in being a SM was in taking a long hard look at the not so pretty details and truth. Good luck with SD and MIL. It is good to know that MIL did not do the stuff intentionally. Just know that BECAUSE she is MIL Grandchild and you are SM, there will be a little extra favoritism towards SD. I don't think that it is meant as anything toward you per se. A lot of people will do it without realizing they are doing it. I think it is more that she unconsciously knows that BD has DH and you and SD has DH. Yea I know she has you to, but some people just see things differently. She will still do little things to spoil her that will probably drive you insane. Just figure out how you will handle it without making a big to do about it if it does not intefere with the running of your home.
Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P
Funny you mention that
I was talking to DH about that too. MIL does favor SD something fierce, right now, I don't have an issue with it - however, BD might as she gets older and we'll have to regulate the example that that would set. I understand completely how MIL will feel like she has to make up for the fact that she does not have a BM that cares. Good for her, however like you said, as long as it doesn't interefere in our homelife - that's fine. On another note, I appreciate you being the way you are, and no I don't skip your posts lol. The advice you give is straightforward and to the point, that is the way it should be. Again you helped me out a lot with understanding my situation. Me and DH are basically going to keep moving forward. We figure - if we give her to either MIL or BM, she will eventually end right back up on our doorstep, however even more F'D up. So, instead of dealing with it in that capacity where it will sure interrupt our household, we'll just continue to regulate her on the front lines. That, and I don't like to lose. I'm going to try to carry this one home. I just hope that I keep getting support from people like you that snap me back on track when I get derailed at times! Thanks!!!