BS5 is mean to DH
I don't know when this started, maybe the last year or so I've seen the signs of my son's attitude starting. I want to turn this around before it gets really bad. BS5 seems like he is always mad about something and he's starting to become mean to my DH, he is to me too, but seems worse with DH. He shushes my DH if he starts whistling or singing (which he does sing really badly and thinks its amusing to torture us with) My son is impossible to keep happy for more than an hour...is this normal? I feel like we're always walking on eggshells cause he gets mad about everything! My H has been in my sons life since he was 2...but the last year it seems like their relationship is strained. I want to turn this around before it starts causing fights between us and before their relationship gets too bad off. They don't seem to have the closeness anymore where if BS5 gets in trouble and DH punishes him, my son stays mad at him afterwards instead of saying sorry and giving hugs like he used to. Any advice on how to fix this?
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i think you have to back
i think you have to back track and remember if something happened that may have caused some resentment between them. i believe nothing happens "all of sudden" Has someone been putting things in your sons head that may not be true? Has he been having mixed feelings about his real dad? i think it normal for kids to test boundries, and i'm not sure of exactly how your son acts out, but it's important not to give in to his attitide when he is being mean just to keep him happy. kids need to know that slamming doors and acting out and aggressive behavior and whining and crying are not the ways to get what you want in life. my best guess of why he is this way is he must be hurt inside about something and taking it out your husband because he may just be sort of an easy target to lash out at. just be strong and give lots of reassurance to your son and husband that they are loved but this has to stop and dont give up until your son opens up.
i had to have a similar talk with my two Skids(SS13 and SD11) the BM tells them so many lies and horrible things about us that my SD lashed out at DH and when they came over we just layed it in the table and were honest with each other. it seemed to have helped break down some of the walls and lessen the hurt for them.
Do you call him on it?
When he's being mean to DH do you ask him what that's about and tell him that's not okay, every single time he's nasty?
You might try that.
Yes! And I feel like a
Yes! And I feel like a broken record! Its very simple things, I ask him why he's yelling, because DH splashed water at me or DH turned the light off on me...its like I'm dealing with two 5 year olds! Tonight he was sent to bed early for his attitude and he cried himself to sleep. But tomorrow it'll be the same. Nothings working.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Do you think DH is teasing too much?
Is DH too frustrated? Maybe you should take the reins on the parenting for a bit and let them bond again. If BS doesn't trust H then, ya, he needs to rebuild that and pushing his buttons is probably the wrong way to go about it.
Is BS like this with you at all? What's he so scared of? Was he traumatized by something? by DH?
All I can think of are the teambuilding excercises like in the Geico commercial where the guy tries to fall back and let the lizard catch him. I wonder if that works, I mean with people and not lizards, of course.
Thats what I see
Thats what I see happening..as soon as my son doesn't do something DH wants him to do, DH starts pushing his buttons in an effort to try to get him to do it. He doesn't use practical punishments either. He used to use time outs, but lately if my son does something he isn't supposed to, my DH will do something like turn the light off on him to scare him or tell him he's going to put him in the garage (because its dark and it scares him)...of course never intending on actually doing it, just trying to get him to do whatever it is he wants him to. I HATE when he does this and its started causing arguments. I told my DH the other night no more disciplining, which I felt terrible about, but I feel like its in the best interest of their relationship because him disciplining is just causing my son to hate him more! He wasn't traumatized, he just not a risk taker...he holds the railing when walking up or down stairs, he walks not runs in order to not fall, he's just a very careful kid. He's never had more than a scratch on him (literally) I try getting him to loosen up. But in other things, he's completely outgoing...he'll go on any ride at an amusement park...we took both him & SS a couple years ago, he was only 3 and he went on that pirate ship ride that goes way up in the air, swinging back and forth...he put his hands up & was having a ball...SS who was 9 was screaming and crying like a little baby, very loudly, and it was so embarrassing. So I don't know, its weird. Some things he's just scared of and he's just overly cautious I guess.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
I would put
an end to the nonpractical punishments. Is your BS around his BF? If BS tells BF about these punishments BF might say that SF is being mean. This could lead to BS5s resentment, misunderstanding. Ask BS about it, how he feels about it. Talk to your H too, he might need to go back to timeouts.
This is the email I sent DH yesterday at work...
"I’ve been thinking a lot about how you interact with B and I don’t like it one bit. I feel like a broken record trying to tell you to quit pushing his buttons, but you just don’t seem to get it. I know he has a bad attitude most of the time, I know he misbehaves, but what happened to regular punishments that actually make sense? Why do you do things to try to terrorize him like threatening to put him in the garage, turn the light out on him, throw him in the air…basically anything you think is going to upset him or scare him. That’s not constructive and that’s not parenting. Instead its causing more strain or your relationship with him, its causing trust issues for him and its causing tension between us. I don’t think you should try to scare him into doing something, that’s not going to get you anywhere. Positive encouragement and honesty are the only ways to get him to try new things, such as riding his bike with no training wheels, and you are never patient enough to do it. What I mean by honesty is do not tell him you will or will not do something and then turn around and do it, like you’ll hold onto the bike and make sure he doesn’t fall then turn around and let go. I’m not saying you did this, but this is what he was afraid you were going to do, and I wouldn’t put it past you for one second. Just because you think he should be or act a certain way doesn’t mean you have the right to antagonize him when he doesn’t do what you want him to. I don’t like telling you to not discipline him, you are the only other constant parental figure in his life, but the way you go about it is killing me. I can’t take it anymore. I want you to have a loving relationship with him and I want him to feel like he can trust you, and I know he does not. He is 5 years old. You are 32. And yet you constantly push his buttons when you get frustrated and don’t get your way. You guys rarely hug or say I love you anymore, not affectionate at all. He sees you with our son and how loving you are to him…don’t you think this makes him feel left out? I try talking to him about how he feels towards you all the time, and he gets so emotional he can barely speak. I really wish you could see how your actions are ruining your relationship with him, and hurting him and me. I know he needs to be more respectful to you, to both of us, but how can I work on that issue with the way you handle him? Its impossible. Please think about it and try to become part of the solution instead of part of the problem."
He called me afterwards, said he agreed 100% with me, he was sorry and he didn't realize what he was doing. So he came home from work and went straight in to talk to my son. Stayed in his room for about 15 minutes, both came out looking happy and there was no tension or arguing. They even gave good night hugs and kisses...so hopefully we can turn things around. Thanks everyone for your advice
PS. to Gettingby...my son & his BF see eachother only a few days at a time during school breaks (his BF lives out of state). They talk on the phone usually 2-3 times a week for a few minutes (he's 5, thats about as long as he can handle)
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Bingo
"He sees you with our son and how loving you are to him…don’t you think this makes him feel left out?"
I think you've hit the nail on the head here.
If your DH is the only constant father figure and is showing favoritism to his own BS, then that explains a lot. My sons' SM has gone through this with my exH and her BS. My sons SB is the same age as BS 14. He is an odd duck of a kid, very effeminate, and has had many psych issues. His BF is BP and is back in jail likely for life. They all became a family when my sons were 2 and 5, SB was 5 as well. The boys loved each other for less than a year, then SB started to act out a lot. SM blames my exH a lot for not behaving fatherly enough to her son, I'm not sure it's that simple now that I've had SD turn from idolizing me to hating me, having a kid with psych issues adds another "dimension" so to speak. BUT...
In your case, around 5 years old, if your son feels that DH loves his own BS more, and yet sees you treat your SS well, that may just be where a lot of it is coming from.
Glad that your DH sounds like he gets it. It's tough sometimes to realize just how harsh something sounds to a child, when we think we are just teasing. Or to realize we may be able to tease our own or punish our own a certain way, but we cannot do the same with the SKIDS. I have yelled/swore beyond trucker status at my own kids before, but never never never at SD (who deserves it more.) I found that becoming a SM made me a better BM, as I would try harder before yelling/correcting the boys to ask if I would bother over SD doing it, and vice versa.
Goodluck and let us know what works!
"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert
My son has never come out
My son has never come out and said anything about how my DH treats our son vs how he treats him, but I see it and I'm sure my son feels it? And its not that my DH never tried, he used to be pretty affectionate with him, but since their relationship has been strained the affection has tappered off. If my DH tried to give my son a hug or kiss, my son wouldn't let him, or rarely would. But I think thats because of how he feels towards him. He acts angry towards him and I'm pretty sure its mostly because of the way my DH handles him...torments him a lot. But we'll see if my DH changing how he interacts helps my son to come around. Its only been 2 days but so far BS5 hasn't yelled or back talked to my DH, which before he never went more than a couple hours without saying something mean. I'll keep you guys updated
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Sorry - was confused about your BSs
I was thinking one was yours and one was his. But one is yours and the other one both yours?
I think that kids will imagine a preference even if there isn't one sometimes. SD does this. My sons, interestingly do not, even though our family dynamic revolves around SD's moods. The first two years I bent over backward to help SD, to nurture her to help her heal from mean old BM. Then when I had BD SD acted like I had replaced her. Not that DH had, but that I had. DH is always a middle person for her, not her favorite not her least favorite. BM and I flip in favor with those titles.
Anyway, I am looking forward to hearing how things go with your DH understanding he needs to be sensitive. If it helps, my DH is a over-reactive yeller when peeved. Often it comes after SD has warn his threshold/tolerance down to the point where my sons could come out with a sarcastic witty statement and he blows a gasket. I have told him over and over that I will not tolerate him screaming at my sons. I don't do that to SD, and I do a heck of a lot more for SD hands down than he does for my sons. And that's ok, because my sons don't need DH in quite the same capacity, as they have an excellent relationship with my ex. BUT...I put my foot down when I need to.
And he respects this though occasionally needs reminding.
"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert
yes, my BS5 is DH's SS, and
yes, my BS5 is DH's SS, and my youngest is my son with DH. They live with us full time. DH's former SS (the one I complain about the BM and thinks DH is his dad) is only hear once a year, not really in the picture and doesn't have anything to do with this situation. Sorry for any confusion! I'm going to watch their dynamics for the next few days and see if things are improving. I'll keep everyone updated
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Thats to bad..
at least I think. I don't know anything about you BSs BF yet! You never know. The good thing is that you know no one is trying to turn BS against your H.
I am so happy that H is ready to try something new, turn a new leaf. Good for him. I wish you both the best of luck!
No one is putting things in
No one is putting things in hs head...and its started to slowly get worse over the last year. It seems like their personalities just don't mesh at all! My son is very careful about everything he does, he's not a risk taker, and this irritates my DH (as well as me but I'm more patient). My DH constantly gets on my son about this kind of behavior and my son ends up irritated and screaming about it. Like last weekend my DH took the training wheels off his bike and tried to make him ride it. My son wouldn't even try and my DH got frustrated and my son ended up really upset & has now refused to try. I just don't think he has as much patience with my son as he needs to get through to him. If my son is scared to do something new, it has to be me to help him through it because he doesn't trust my DH. My son also takes forever to do everything...get dressed, eat , etc...I asked my DH to start my son's shower & get it to the right temp. He stood in the bathroom waiting for my son to get undressed before he turned it on as to not waste water. BS was taking too long and my DH told him he had 20 seconds or he was going to turn off the light on him. This caused my son to get really upset because he hates the dark. I think my DH just really pushes his buttons on purpose in an effort to get him to do what he wants him to do, but it backfires and just causes more fights. Its so frustrating! He's been having an attitude with everyone, except school, and I'm sure its to test boundaries, but I feel like its damaging their relationship. There's just so many horror stories I've read about on here and I don't want to this to start with my own kid.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Does DH have kids of his
Does DH have kids of his own? i think your may have to take the reins for the disapline until they can build that trust again. Remind your DH that teaching and disapline doesnt always have to be negative or threatening. i know he is just trying to be a good dad and build a relationship, but maybe he is trying too hard. Your son is only 5, your DH should not be arguing like that with a 5 year old. i think he may need to take a different approach to his parenting. i think you need to talk to DH about the way he grew up and if it was in a similar way, remind him how did he feel when his mom/dad whoever yelled at him like that.
i was sort of in the same position as him at one time. i expected too much from my Skids and pushed them too hard and thought it should be a certain way cause thats how i was raised and then i noticed they were started to almost resent me and they were thinking i didnt like them, which were never my intentions at all. so i stopped, and turned my whole approach aound i never raised my voice or pushed them too much to try something new or do anything. i just took a step back and when i did things got better. then i slowly added in the little displines (which you have to do) but i turned anything negative (correcting behavior, displine) over to my DH (temporarily)
it sounds like you son is a good kid and your DH is a good guy, but i think maybe they are expecting different things from each other. honestly i think you will have more success talking to you DH than your son, it sounds like he is just being a kid, but you have to remind you DH he cant get caught up in that has to watch his reactions to your sons behavior and rise above that and not get emotional
He has a former SS...wasn't
He has a former SS...wasn't ever really around him after age 2 though. He still visits once a year and I do see him do it sometimes to him too when he gets frustrated, but he's older so it doesn't seem like such a big deal. I've tried talking to my DH about this before and his answer is well he's not "allowed" to discipline him so its his only way of handling it. I told him he needed to stop disciplining because he didn't have a strong enough bond with my son so evey time he tried to it just made my son dislike him more. He doesn't talk the situation out after the punishment and try to correct the behavior. One time my son was in time out, about a year ago, DH had put him there and my son was wiggling around and talking and my DH told him to turn around & face the wall and make no sound (he was 4) for four minutes. I agree with the facing the wall and no talking, but no way is he going to sit perfectly still for 4 minutes. After about 45 sec-1 min he started moving around a little and my husband moved him into the hallway where its dark to further punish him. I thought this was too harsh and sometimes feel like he's too hard on him or has unrealistic expectations. He is my oldest child so every new stage he hits is a first for me. Does anyone else have these issues?
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Super Nanny would not
Super Nanny would not approve! the point of disapline is to teach him a lesson and correct behavior, wiggling is not a bad thing for a 5 year old, but whatever you put him in time out was and im sure your son got that. i agree that does sound harsh and your DH may be taking it as disrespect to him but its normal behavior to me.
that sounds like the root of the problem of why your son is mean to him. it sounds like you know why too! you need to send DH in the corner for one minute per his age and see how long he can stand still!
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