Disengaged to me means staying out of anything that has to do with SKs unless asked specifically to help or give feedback.

I cook her meals,
give her hugs,
answer her questions,
keep her safe,play with her when my son is playing too,
send her home without any motherly wisdom from me since BM and DH have made it CLEAR she requires no additional parental roles in her life.

I don't tell her how to dress,don't do her hair anymore
I don't tell her the proper way to speak to her father(as in not saying, "don't talk to your father like that")
I don't help her with homework,
I don't attend her practices or any other activities unless asked by DH to come "for his sake",
I don't entertain her in any way...DH is raising her to require constant attention and stimulation so it's not my job to make sure her little bored ass is content.
I don't speak with BM about anything,
I don't shop for SD for ANY reason
I don't make her school lunches,
don't drive her anywhere unless we're going as a family,
I don't babysit her EVER.
OH...and I don't do her laundry
I don't clean her room
I don't change her sheets

~The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for.~
Oscar Wilde

Bf picks the kids up from the bus stop during the week on his visitation days. Bf makes sure that skids get their homework done as soon as they walk in the door. I do cook dinner and I do the laundry mostly (he helps with the laundry a few times). He tells the skids to get in the shower in the evenings right after dinner. The skids and my kids usually play together, but there are times where BF and I will do things with them to keep them entertained, whether that be us as a whole, or me with the girls, him with the boys. Their mother picks them up on these evenings, BF gives them a hug and kiss goodbye as they walk out the door to meet BM in the driveway. I just tell them bye and see them tomorrow or the following weekend. All of this applies on the weekends they are with us also.

I do not discipline them unless BF isn't at home, in these cases I will tell them to go to the bedroom until their Father gets home. If he is home, I will give them a warning (depending on what they've done wrong) and if it happens again I let them know that I'll be getting their Father involved.
I don't usually attend their activities unless it's something that my children are in also. It's just too much trouble to have 3 kids watching one child's performance. But if it's something major then I will attend.

Basically, BF takes care of his own kids, and I take care of my own kids. BF is more involved with mine b/c he is around them more often, and their dad isn't in their lives. I more or less stay in the background and BM and BF parent their own children.

___________________________________________________________________________
“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”

I guess the easiest way to sum it up for me is that I do not parent SD in any way. I also try not to give DH advice on his parenting, or lack thereof. I am not always successful, I get frustrated sometimes but we have a much better relationship if I just keep out of the step-kid raising business.

~Evil

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren

In my case, since I'm a ft CSM, I have no choice but to do everything for them physically...since I don't want bed bugs, etc...LOL...I HAVE to change their sheets for my own piece of mind...u get what I mean...so I cook, clean, drop off at school, help with homework, clothes shop, doctors, etc...so when I need to personally disengage from skids...I shut off my "Lotus aura"...LOL so to speak...and trust me they know...I don't ask them how their day was, how their friends are, etc...I basically perform all my "duties" and then go do what I want to do without any of them...they HATE this, as I'm really the only mother figure they have..so they shape up quickly and apologize for whatever they have done....this works for me because of my situation but I dont think it would really work for EOW families with an active BM because I don't think the skids would really get the point....I just remind my skids that I don't have to do anything that I do for them, I do it because I want to, and I only want to when they appreciate all that I do for them...when they take me for granted, I just pull back a little...but as a FT SM, I don't think I can really totally 100%disengage....

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

The term disengaged makes me think of my BFF's husband toward her kids. He lives in the house with them FT, may say good morning or good night, but has basically nothing to do with them at all. He might as well not exist as far as the kids are concerned. If there is an emergency, the kids would never even think to call him about it. I actually find it quite sad. Anyway, that's what comes to mind when I think of being disengaged.

I guess I disengage emotionally rather than physically....I think there are different types of disengagement when u think about it....

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

I guess when I agreed to be a custodial SM, I told myself that if I was going to take this on, I could not walk away and physically disengage...EVER...these kids have had waaaay too much of that in their young lives...however, I most certainly can and do disengage emotionally....which I think makes my point all the more....

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

LF you made me think, as usual:)

I'm totally progressing in the emotional disengagement...everything I do for SD has NOTHING to do with her. It has to do with how I feel about DH. Whenever I have to deal with her I always say to myself, "you're doing this because you love your husband and because he takes care of your child if needed too."
The difference between DH and me...DH does things for my son because he genuinely loves choochoo and is really the only good father figure choochoo has. I do things for SD simply out of love for DH.

I guess that would be emotional disengagement on my part. I realize I'm more physically engaged than emotionally...

~The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for.~
Oscar Wilde

I haven't had to do this, but in my mind disengaging is stopping doing anything for them. (Perhaps cooking might be an exception because if you cook for everyone, I think it's just too weird and cruel-seeming to not cook for the skids).

But to me, it means:
Being polite, saying hello and goodbye, answering questions if asked, etc.

But not:
-cleaning their rooms
-doing their laundry
-helping with homework
-babysitting
-driving them anywhere
-making any appointments for them
-checking up on them in any way, e.g. checking to see that they've done their chores, or that they're home before curfew, or that they've brushed their teeth

I think that disengaging to me means, you've come to the conclusion that your SO expects you to have a lot of responsibility for the kids but allows you no authority or respect in the home. If the kids and their parent aren't required to show you respect, and if you aren't given the authority to back up what you expect them to do, then it's no longer your job to parent in any way. It is the parent's responsibility -- you have DISENGAGED.

And then there's the emotional disengagement as well -- because of course, if you don't disengage emotionally from the situation, then the physical disengagement won't do you any good, psychologically.

I wouldn't consider most of the posters above disengaged. That's not a value judgment at all, ladies -- just an observation that I see it differently.

I would also have to say that, disengaging for me would be theoretically a temporary thing -- to force my partner to see how unreasonable it is to expect someone to have 100% of the responsibilty and 0% of the authority/respect.

UCSM (BB)

"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin

Ahhh...but I don't need to disengage from DH....this is between me and my teenage skids....my DH doesn't expect anything from me...I do what I do because of the horrible things our BM did to my skids...I want them to have a better mother, so I AM that better mother...when they start to take that for granted, I emotionally disengage temporarily and they totally get the message....anyway...this works for me in my situation....maybe I misunderstood melis,,,I am speaking of disengaging from 16 and 17 yr olds....not my DH....

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

For me, it was for me. I detached myself from the outcome. We have had SD13 full time for about a year now. SD coming to live with us was by circumstance but she is staying by choice, hers and DH's. DH does not "parent" his child (IMHO) she is more like a room mate that you have to tell to clean their mess now and then.

I had to detach from wanting to parent her because DH won't and won't allow any one else to. I had to detach from how her life will turn out because of the lack of parenting. Sad but true.

~Evil

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren

I am disengaged on an emotional level, but still cook for him, clean up after him, help with homework, and give punishments. I do the actions, but am not motivated by maternal sentiment. I will not neglect the child, but the emotional disengagement prevents me from being affected by his smart mouth, complaining, lies, and disrespect. It also prevents me from losing my mind, or my marriage fighting over decisions DH and BM make that are clearly poor parenting. He is their child after all. I'm pretty much here to make their lives easier when it comes to their child, and enjoy my husband.

"I will not neglect the child, but the emotional disengagement prevents me from being affected by his smart mouth, complaining, lies, and disrespect."....thanks Chai...LOL...this is what I was trying to say all that time....LOL

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

I am disengaged. DH hates it, but it has saved my sanity. I no longer care how SD16 turns out, to the point that where when DH told me that a boy who came into our house was her "boyfriend," I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "And what's that to me?" I don't care.

SD16 has treated me like crap for SO long, I no longer care how she turns out. I "used" to care, and I got treated like crap for it by SD16, BM, and DH. So no more. I wouldn't stop SD16 from stepping out into the street in front of an oncoming bus, at this point. I wouldn't go so far as to push her or anything, but you get the picture. They don't want me to be "in charge" of her in any way, so this is the result.

I have enough to do keeping track of my two BDs and making sure they turn out to be decent people, and that SD16 doesn't drag them down with her negative example.

To me, disengagement is more of a mental, emotional thing that defines the physical aspect. I don't invest as much as before in hoping, wishing, wanting things to be/work a certain way, and therefore, I don't invest as much time, energy and effort in trying to make things be/work a certain way. I still choose to do the general household things (eg cooking) and general parenting (eg sending kids to shower) but I stay away from getting too emotionally and physically involved in the things that frustrate me, and I let my DH know if I'm frustrated and why.

I no longer help with homework, I no longer ask them to throw out the trash, I do not talk to them unless they ask a question. I clean and I cook only when DH brings groceries. I do not bring groceries, made it clear to DH that's his responsibility. I pay half of the rent and the utilities, that's enough for my part. I no longer buy them shoes/clothes they don't take care of anything I buy them. Three weeks ago I bought SD (who is not even my husbands bio kid but his ex made him think it was) a nice pair of black vans for school and she went to her aunts house and got paint all over them! So I don't do anything for those ungrateful kids. I just give lots of love to DH who deserves the world and more!!

melis070179-OMG!! is it ever and to top it off we have her 24/7. BM is an alcoholic/drug addict who just takes up space in this world, provides nothing for them and just calls reaping havoc because I won't allow her oldest daughter to come to the house and spend time with the skids! If I do she will just be dropping off the older kid when ever she wants. How old is this child? does the child live with BM or your DH?

Melis, yes only the youngest is not his (but she's totally daddy's little girl) but the dummy went and signed the birth certificate because BM made him believe it was his. He doesn't get anything because she doesn't work all she does is drink and do drugs all day and lives off of 800.00 the state gives her for her oldest daughter whom had a disability. Unfortunately I was not with him when she did that or I would have had her take her daughter and leave his two sons with us only!! She got lucky!!

For me, it is not about gaining authority over the skids. In my relationship, I'm the heavy. My husband wishes I would let things go back the way they were. For me it is a way of protecting my feelings and letting go of things I cannot control. It has been extremely liberating for me. Once I was able to accomplish it, a huge heavy weight lifted from my shoulders.

I have always had a great relationship with my skids. I did all the planning for gifts, birthdays, vacations, family time, you name it. However, within the past 8 months my skids began to intentionally ignore me and try to make me feel like I was a non-entity even in my own home. They became very disrespectful towards me and even would give me eyerolls when I entered a room, or purposely would not look at me at all. I didn't want to make them so uncomfortable here that they decided not to come anymore for my husband's sake. Believe me, I could have made their lives a living hell every time they visited. But I chose the high road. I tried to figure out what caused the change in them. I tried to have conversation with them. I tried to leave the house when they visited. This greatly upset my husband and nearly destroyed our marriage. I would go back to my hometown everyother weekend and go out with old friends. Not good for a married woman. Nothing worked.

Finally I decided that I was not going to feel like a guest in my own home when they were here. In reality, they were the guests. If a guest makes you feel like that, you simply don't invite them back. I told them I didn't care what problem they had anymore and I didn't care if they liked me or not, but they would respect me in my own home or they wouldn't be coming anymore. I told my husband that if he didn't step up, he would have to visit them somewhere else. I also decided that as long as they werre respectful and obeyed the house rules, there really wasn't much I needed to say to them when they visited. I stopped everything. My husband cooked for us during the time his children were here. I no longer even did that. I would say good morning or speak to them when they spoke to me, but I never engaged them in conversations anymore or show any interest in their daily lives. We did not take a family vacation this year because I never planned one and my husband absolutely sucks at that sort of thing. It never even occurred to him. They didn't get birthday gifts this year or a 8th grade graduation gift this year or any parties because I didn't plan them and again, because I have always covered that stuff for my husband, he never even thought about it until the day of and then he realized, but it was a little too late.

They have begun to try to engage me because they know Christmas is coming, but I will never open myself up to them again. So they're SOL. Fortunately we are now in the process of moving over 4 hours away so the EOW will not be realistic and my time with them will be very limited moving forward.

That to me is disengagement. To not allow someone to have any control over your feelings and to cease any support of them or their interests.