Newbie... violent 12 year old, please give advice
This is my first blog, so I will tell you a little aobut myself. I am 20 years old and engaged to the man I love (DH2B). We have been living together since February of 2008 and will be getting married on June 12, 2010.Currently we both work adn are full time college students. Him and I come from very different backgrounds and different family lives. Neither one of us has any children of our own, but his stepdad left his mother (BM) and 3 younger siblings about 3 years ago. DH has been the only male/father role in their life for the past 3 years. The youngest, his 12 year old little brother (LB) has gotten himself into LOTS of trouble at school. DH2B and I decided to help BM out by letting LB come live with us in November 2008. It has been about 3 months now and some issues between LB and I have arisen. I really feel like I am in a step mom situation because LB still visits with BM every weekend and talks to her tons during the day. But she is not giving any support to the different discipline techniques DH2B and I have decided to use. I need some serious advice.
This little boy has some serious issues. He is always so angry. But it isn't irrational, uncontrollable fits, which would be normal hormonal issues. His bouts of anger are controlled and calculated. His teachers tell us he bullies the smaller children at school (and he is a good-sized boy, so most of the children the same age are smaller), he takes his anger out on our two pets, says hateful things for no reason (last night he told the cat he wanted to bash its face in). On top of it all, last night, him and I got into it. He was slamming my cat into the wall and would not stop when I told him to. DH2B was in a night class. I grabbed LB's shirt to distract him. He grabbed my wrists and started pushing me. He left red marks on my wrists.
DH2B and I have decided that he needs some serious counseling at the very least. The child has also just begun his second court case for pushing a teacher.
Are there any techniques I can use at home to try and keep the situation diffused? We don't want to give up on him, but i feel like I am in way over my head.
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I would place him back with BM who has legal custody
At least I'm assuming nothing's been done legally giving your FH custody of his LB.
You are both too young to handle this/be responsible. This kid needs serious help and counseling, but without legal custody your hands are tied.
Take care and many hugs,
"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert
actually...
we do have legal custody. We needed it to transfer his school, etc, etc.
Wow....
I would get as much counseling as you can for this child, and for you as a non-traditional family. This is a difficult situation.
Much luck and many hugs.
"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert
FMP,
JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'
Sita Tara is right - you need to give him back to the BM. You and FH are handling a lot right now - working, going to school, an upcoming wedding.
No disrespect intended, but this young man needs some serious intense, professional counseling and you and FH shouldn't have the stress of dealing with this on your shoulders. Nor would I put myself, my home or my animals at risk until he gets straightened out. If he's displaying violent tendencies now, it's only going to get worse. Good luck to you - please be careful.
This is not a situation your
This is not a situation your BF should have put you in.
He was BASHING YOUR CAT AGAINST THE WALL??? That is a serious sign of some behavioral problems that you can do nothing about.
Your BF needs to act in your best interests here, no matter how much he wishes to help his mom or brother. If he doesnt, he isnt the man you want to marry.
last night was the first
last night was the first time we had seen vilence of that sort. I honestly think he was intending to just playing around. He was trying to push my buttons, make me angry, but it got carried away. He was hitting him against the wall kind of gently at first. when I told him to stop, it progressively got a little harder. That is when I stepped in.
Send him back
Send him back where he came from. You didn't break his life and he is going to break yours if he stays over there. He needs lot of counseling for his anger issues and the fact that he is physical with you, your cat and the teacher tells me all that I need to know. His BM needs to parent her son not you.
Serious counseling?
Serious counseling?
I would have called the police!
Get him out of your house NOW. It's nice that you want to help him out but this kid is a ticking time bomb and needs more help than you can provide.
Exactly, Sasha
If he ever lays a hand on ANYONE again call the cops. Have the little sociopath locked up and his way to what will quite possibly become a long criminal career.
The kid needs more than serious counseling. He needs whatever they have now that is reform school. Where you can send him away to get intensive treatment for his issues and keep yourself and your cat safe.
This may sound harsh
but tough love time what about one of those camps where the juvenile delinquits go to who have been in trouble. I worked with a woman whose 11 year old kept getting in trouble with the law and he was sent to one of those camps and it is not like he stay a week and come back her was there over 1 year and was made to do all kinds of work. Now his mom had to pay child support to the state for him being there. He came home and was good for a while and then fell back in the old crowd and was sent back till he turns 18!!! talk with the courts about this for him. He is a danger to all of you. I know it sound harsh to send him away but he could hurt himself, ya'll, or anyone else!
I think he should be placed
I think he should be placed back with his mother and be given some counseling...or preferrable sent off to military or boarding school. I haven't seen Rags on this site in quite a while, but I think he could give you some good advice. Trying searching for Rags profile on here & send him a private message with your situation so when he logs in next he can read it. His son is in boarding school.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Agreed
back to his BMs, serious couseling, and possible military school. It is the best thing for him, and you too. Go into the couselors together and have he/she mediate telling him he is going back to BMs. Don't do it on your own, the two of you. Go to the counselor find out what to say/ how to say it. Then bring him in the room, tell him gently. Things may get worse for a bit during the transition but it must be done--IMHO.