its like she wants to have her own life but have bf on the backburner to pick up her slack. He knows she's a shoddy parent and has said today that he wants the kids here all the time (gulp! news to me!)at some point in the future.
I'm afraid though because bf has said bm would be worse if we crossed her...so I don't know how much worse she can get.

it really gives me something to think about. I trust him but my ex was a notorious cheat, so I realize part of my baggage is not-trusting. BF knows this and supposedly has been trying to work with me on my issues. I think though the way he sprung it on me caused me to freak out because my immediate thought was, "oh he's going to go spend the day with his ex"...but he's explained to me all night that he's going to see his son skate, if the ex is there so be it, if not so be it too.
He decided this morning that bm can take the skid out of town, btw...When I talked to skid last night, he said he knew nothing of his dad taking him to hockey and that he thought his mom was going to take him per the original plan. So, it seems that BF was just 1)trying to pick a fight with me 2)trying to get me agitated about him spending the day out of town where ex might be 3)try to get me more involved in hockey.
I trust him to a point though...I know he's a good hearted person although very angry most of the time for god knows why. But I can't help but wonder what his breaking point is you know? If I don't go out of town with him or take his skid for him, will that make him angry enough to have an affair? I'm just upset that he's always so very angry. I'm afraid his anger will make him do something stupid and un-fixable.

I've learned from your posts that these step relationships aren't exactly a dream come true. So I've been looking at places to live and developing a back up plan should this life not work out.
It makes me cry alot because I feel like I'm trying so hard and I just can't do anything right enough or good enough to make him not-angry.

We fought all night mostly cuz BF wouldn't let let go. I didn't want to engage, but he picks until I have no choice but to defend myself. I mean, I shut the light off to go to bed after saying I'm tired and dont' want to discuss it...so he turns the light back on and demands to talk. It's frustrating to say the least.
So ultimately he decided to take the kid here to his game here, and bm came and picked up other kid to take out of town (and sat in driveway and honked for him to come out like she's supposed to).
Do you know why he was going out of town in the first place? Because we 'weren't doing anything today'. We didn't have plans or anything exciting for him so he thought he'd go out of town and watch the game...which would be fine. And I get the fact that, he could therefore drive the kid since he was going to watch the game anyways--and in which case the bm could choose to stay home or go watch. But my concern was always...was he going to pick up bm and bring her with (that would be grounds for beating him to death with my shoe LOL) or if her and her old man were gonna drive themselves up to the game. Either way, it left a bad taste in my mouth and my stomach in knots. In the last few weeks with all our conflict, I've lost weight, been vomiting and having panic attacks...and BF says to me, "Well I've lost weigh too you know!" Which of us could not afford to lose weight--thats right, me. I'm just sooo frustrated...

oh you sooo understand, bless you!!!! I feel alot of times like I'm in a crazy house!!!! I keep telling him, you two made them you two are responsible for them...I can pick and choose what I want to do with them because I am the GF, not the fiancee or the wife, but the gf. Which will bring up another argument about what my exact title is and how regardless of what it is "other" gf's/fiancees go to the hockey games...to which I always say, good for them...I'll do what I want to do.
Vickmeister, it just kills me how he diminishes all my contributions here. He acts like I only have them a little bit of the time and I don't do anything here or for them. I have tried so hard to teach them things and give them an enjoyable life with us. I feel like my role is to teach them how to be self-sufficient and to help them grow up...I feel like BF's job is to be their dad and take them to hockey since he is really bad at teaching them how to feed themselves or take care of themselves. But in his mind all I do is for nothing because I don't go to hockey. And that really tears my guts out because I feel like, who else would love and care for his kids when their own mother doesn't, you know? If he can get another girl in here and have her do a better job than me, then I'm all for it because I've done the best I can do.
Thanks for listening, I really appreciate it.

I feel so alone here...it feels like 3(or 4 with bm) against 1. I feel like the outsider and the bad-gal because I've disrupted their convenient little apple cart. All the boundaries I've tried to create here seem to just p*ss everyone off because they like having bm pop in and out at will and now I feel like I've spoiled that and everyone is secretly seething just beneath the surface. I know I'm not crazy in wanting boundaries but they make me feel crazy.
Oh and you brought up another point...when people see pics of the skids, I always say, oh those are my boys...not my steps, skids or whatever. My dad took my mom's four kids and always treated them like his own, they were never steps...so I was raised not thinking of them as half sibs, they were my sibs, no question. But nowadays BF will often say "his kids"--even when he wants me to do something with them. So last night when I was crying and he was yelling at me, I said I will never refer to them ever ever again as anything other than "your" kids...and that made him mad because I challenged his shoddy behavior and the crappy way he treats me.
Its just so hard. I try so hard to please him and love his kids and build our life but he just makes it impossible.
Thank you so much for your support SW19, it means so much to me!
Hugs

We're trying or at least I am, but he's so mad all the time I don't think we're gonna make it. He's just always so angry and blames working 3rd shift but I just can't take that excuse anymore. It doesn't give him carte blanch to be an azz all the time, it just doesn't! And I try to provide a supportive role for him and the skids but he acts like it's nothing and he's fine w/o me. I'm just tired of being belittled and made to feel worthless by an angry angry man.
The only thing I've ever wanted, and I can tell you girls cuz I know you'll understand, is to be his wife. I want to take care of him and the skids and to be a family and be together through all of life's ups and downs. But he makes me feel like a circus animal performing tricks in order to get "the ring". And i do resent it tremendously. I thought I was doing a good job just loving them all and taking care of everybody, but apparently I'm not performing my tricks the way he wants so he's not giving me the ring or the title yet. And it's a kick in the stomach because the ex is still running around with her title of Mrs So-and-So...and she's cheated on him, lied to him, and was not worthy of the title...but I'm put through this constant testing and heavy scrutiny that nobody can possibly do good at. I feel like I've been trying to do what he wants in order to get my ring and to be the Mrs....but he makes me feel like I'm falling incredibly short of it and am a failure as a woman and as a stepparent. And like I told him, I am a good person...I am popular and well liked, and nobody can say very many bad things about me. But all BF can do is pick me apart and I'm tired of it all.
That's why I've been so upset about him being somewhere the BM might be...If such a low-quality person can still wear his name, what is so wrong with me that I cant? And the only thing I can reason is that he hasn't given me the ring or the title yet is because he isn't over her...so them being out of town at the same time (not exactly "together" but you get my point) makes me sick to my stomach and so very sad inside.
I hope your relationship takes a better turn than mine is Dani.
Hugs sweetie.

to go watch the skid because we didn't have formal plans. But really it is just a way to punish me for not making plans. It's a no-win situation for me I'm afraid.

...and everybody...
I logged into his email today to see what he's been up to. He's not computer literate so I could see what he's emailed, etc. There's absolutely nothing bad, wrong or inappropriate in there...and he's too dumb(sorry if that's mean) to know how to even empty the trash.
I figured I would find something from the ex in there or some other woman, but there's nothing. I don't think he's cheating yet, but with our relationship being so rocky I'm afraid it might be inevitable. I'm trying hard though and not getting credit for trying. I'm truly trying to trust him but he is always so angry at me I don't know how to be trusting anymore. If he wasn't so angry all the time and so hateful I could trust, but I've never been around anyone who was so incredibly vicious and mean, but still supposedly loved me. He's not cheating, that's probably very true, but I can't explain why he's so mean all the time. I just don't know...

I'm somewhat more secure with him than on my own. It's hard to make it on your own in this world, and I like the house...not that it's all about finances cuz he's worse off than me actually. But I love the person he is. He has his faults yes, but he also has some very good qualities. I'm hoping that therapy will help him control his temper better and be more of a grown up. How he treats me isn't acceptable that's for sure, but I'm hoping that counseling and our life together is enough to get him to behave differently. I know I can't change him fundamentally, I'm just trying to get him to accept who I am fundamentally and not try to change me...like forcing me into hockey stuff.
You asked valid questions that I still ask myself. And I guess right now the answer is that I see hope for us and our relationship...he knows he has problems and is trying to address them through counseling. I'm not sure if we're going to make it or not though.
I told him yesterday that I'm done with the ring/engagement/marriage stuff. If we get more stable then super, if not I'm going to leave. He likes to throw in my face that I've 'left' before but always come back...but he can see how I am now in my expressions and how I am, that I mean business. If I'm not happy I'm leaving.
I'm so sorry you have to endure a crappy relationship. I wish I knew how we wind up in these things to start with...
Hugs