question about BMs
What do you think most BMs hate more...the stepmom that loves her kids & bonds with them or the stepmom that stays completely out of their lives & barely speaks to them? Not mean to them, but just completely uninvolved and uncaring towards them?
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I can
Only speak for myself (and I have raised two kids so I am a qualified BM as well as SM)-
I would want my kids SM to ideally genuinely like my Bio kids. However if my BK's were guilt parented spoiled buttheads I could completely sympathize with their SM!
I would do everything possible to make sure my kids tried to behave for SM so that she would at least like them-I think it would make life easier for the kid and the stepfamily as a whole.
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
See, now thats what I would
See, now thats what I would think. I'm a BM too & if my ex ever got remarried, I would pray that SM would treat him well & they would like each other. But there seems to be so many BMs that are threatened by SMs bonding with their kids or "taking over". Wouldn't you have to have a pretty insecure relationship with your kids if you fear another person could take your role in their lives? BM in my case goes back and forth, she gets mad if I have anything to do with her son, but if I don't treat him just like I do my own kids, all hell would break loose. WTH?
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
You hit the nail
On the head with the BM's back and forth behavior. I think BM feels threatened and is territorial-vacillating between wanting her children to be treated fairly and having to "share" her kids-what some don't get is IT'S ABOUT THE CHILDREN NOT THEM!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
I know the feeling...
I have 2SS 9 and 11 and have bonded with both. I treat them like my own when they are at our house EOW. That now means chores and responsiblities they don't have at her house, with the reward of a small allowance. BM was ok with this until this year. Now she tries to start drama with DH and says "I love my kids more than the boys." She isn't as involved of a parent as we are, but we don't ever speak negatively about her or her home. I'm sure if someone else was mothering my BKs that I would feel insecure about it, but for crying out loud would you not want your kids to feel loved in the home they are staying in at the time. It's not about BM, it's about the child who is stuck in the middle of something they didn't ask to be put into. So think of the children first and BM second.
In my case
she doesnt give a crap about her kids shes just out to get me!!!
Ditto
I can totally relate to how you feel.
I am also an BM and a SM
I have teo exs with tow kids form each of them which is always more comlicated than just having to deal wiht one ex. Anyway I alwasy made it a point to become freinds with the ex s wifes and girlfriends Mostly because I knew the kids woudl be spending lots of time with them. I actually got so close to one of the exs live in girlfriend of 8 years that we actually stayed friends after the relationship with my ex was over. My oter Ex wife was friendly but but not overly chummy however we coudl still talk and sit together without any issues at all.
Now that I am the SM I have been treated like I am the plague. The BM refuses to meet me and we have been together for 3 years married for 1.5 years. She is nasty to DH and calls me "the person he is involved with" anyway I would much rather know the person my child is spending so much time with to make sure that we were alll on the same page. I will never understand it. I think persoanlly that if a person is truly over the old relationship than it is easy to be nice to the SM, if the person is not over the relationship than they will not be nice to the new person.
Very good point!
My DH's ex is a very jealous and hateful person. She is truly one of the most evil people I've ever met. She destroyed her brain by abusing alcohol and prescription pain pills -- and who knows what kind of illegal drugs have been mixed into that mix.
Anyway, anytime a relationship ends with her, she comes back trying to get DH to take her back. She even did this a few weeks after our honeymoon and then expected me to do a favor for her. She continues to hate me, threaten me, and tries to make life a living hell on me. She always thought he would be her parachute, but then I stepped into the picture and put a halt to all the extra money and put rules in place and no longer allow her to control our lives.
At first I didn't understand it because I treat her children far better than either she or my DH treat them. Once she even called DH to tell him to tell me to quit being so nice to the Skids b/c they liked being with me more than her. Oh I'm sorry, I thought it was a good thing to be kind and loving to children. (the thing is I don't buy them very much, we just play games, go for walks, work on homework, just time oriented things. I do make a huge deal out of their birthdays, but I do that for all my friends and family. Birthdays are really a big deal in my family I make the character cakes etc. and the other kids get to help plan it -- I think it teaches them the joy of doing something nice for someone else.)
Then a few weeks ago it hit me...she's not only jealous of my relationship with DH but she's jealous that her two youngest ones love being with me and I love being with them. I actually get depressed not having the little ones around me. With all of her addictions I'm so scared of what she might be doing or not doing for that matter. She's using the oldest one to try and split up DH and I, and while it makes everything very difficult, it makes it easier I think when you know the truth behind all the insane actions!
I wish you both courage in this journey. I also want to thank the BM who is nice to the SM -- what BM's don't realize is how insanely hard it is to be a SM. You know they aren't your children, but you love them, you want to be with them, and yet you know that you have no claim to them. Of course I'm sure it's easier when a SM doesn't have to deal with a psycho BM. But as a SM who truly wants what's best for the children, thank you for your attitude!
BM hates me because I am w/DH!!
Before, when her PAS tactics dominated DH and the kids, she was happy in that a) she had control and 2) DH was still kissing her a**. She would tell the kids stuff like "Daddy left us"- BM, he left YOU, NOT the kids! I think in some way she realizes how she screwed up in treating DH when they were married, and wants him back. That will happen over my dead body! My DH wouldn't touch her with a 1,000,000-foot pole!
newstepmom, I hope things get better for your oldest skid. I hope that they wake up to what their mother is doing. Can your DH get the oldest counseling?
Back and Forh
in my case, the Bm does the back and forth. She tells SD14 that she thinks it's "great ToTHeEdge" is around, thinks I'm wonderful, blah blah blah. But in reality, she HATES that I am close to my SD's. She does feel threatened. Here's the most recent example:
S14 and SD11 were both sick last week. I picked them up, made a Dr. appt for that afternoon, took them, got medicine, tucked thim into bed and cared for them. This whole time BM was calling every 10 minutes (literally) checking in on what I was doing. She even called a few times to find out which Dr. I was takign them to. Uh- their pediatrician... hello!
BM - "Why are you not home yet?"
SD12 - "We had to stop at the grocery store."
BM - "Why? Doesn't SM know you are sick?"
SD12 - "Yes, we had to get medicine."
BM - "Well call me as soon as you get home. I can't believe you are not home yet."
OK, I'm a lot of things, but stupid is not one of them. I know how to take care of sick children. I raised 2 girls being a nanny before I met DH. BM is always trying to "prove" that I don't know what I'm doing or that I'm doing something wrong. However, if the situation is reversed she could care less when she has them.
So, BM is never happy no matter what. If I didn't care about them, she would make a stink about it. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
In my situation
BM hated that SD and I were close. BM and I still got along pretty well so I tried to talk to SD about it it ruined our relationship.
Now BM seems to be pleased with my near none involvement. And so am I.
However, being a BM. If something were to happen between my H and I would hope that the SM would step up to the plate and be a mother figure in the other household. I think that it is important to have a two parent household, on both sides if the family is split.
A tough call.
I as a BM have feelings on it. I want my son to like his step mom. I would love for them to have a great relationship. I would, however, be jealous if he loved her more than me! I know, your kid can't love someone like they do thier Bio parents. But, he doesn't understand alot of the time why she can spoil him rotten, do anything he wants, play with him non stop, buy him anything he wants, etc. Of course, she sees him 7 days a year......his father pays way less child support than he should. So of course it's way more fun there than it is here at "home", where we have school, rules, and limited amounts of money! But his father is a peice of shit, and his girlfriend(s), whatever flavor of the month she may be, is ridiculous. He trys to hurt me all the time with my son......so that sucks.
On the filp, from my step mothering life. I love my SD 14 like shes my own. I miss her when she's not here and wish that she could come be with me all the time. I really really love her. I'm not overbearing, I set rules, I support the BM (in front of SD) 100%, etc. BM tries to make sure that I always know I'm not her mom, like I could forget! She has rules, like I can't cut her hair, I can talk to her about certain things, etc. Now SD 20, uh...I don't really have any feelings for at all. I think she's a spoiled rotten selfish brat 99% of the time, but I'm working on getting to know her better and hopefully I'll find out that I've been wrong all this time. But BM loves the fact that her and I don't care for one another.
It just really depends on the people involved. If you are a decent person that acts like you home some sense in your head regarding other peoples children, and realize that sometimes Bio Parents may have a hard time seeing another woman mother thier children......and if the BM is a decent person that acts like she has some sense in her head, and realizes that a SM doesn't want to be the mother, she has to, to be married to DH........... then things will be okay! It never seems to work out that way though.
Same here
"BM tries to make sure that I always know I'm not her mom, like I could forget!"
My SDs BM does nasty things just to (I like to call) "flex her muscle". Just to let us know that she is (like she always says) "I am the primary parent". Like we could forget, like I don't know what child is or is not born to me!