Tell me I am not crazy!
I've been lurking here for awhile and I need to vent! I see so much of the same things that I am going through. I am so glad that I have found this site! I almost thought I was going crazy.
I have a SS16 that has been out of control. He lies, eats whatever the he*l he wants to, backtalks, looks at me with half lidded eyes, pushes my BS9 around, refuses to go out and be with friends just so he can stay here and irriate, swears at me (when he acknowledges I exsist) and is just awful! He refuses to go out and get a job here and then b*tches about having no money.
My H of 12 years just doesn't deal with it well at all. And the out of control has only happend recently (since he turned 15 go figure.. and I'll bet you can all tell what that is all about right?)
Last night was over the top! I went to get something from a room that SS16 was asked to leave. He was pissy as he had just got in trouble by my H for backtalking. So he leaves the room and I begin looking for what I needed. After about 1 minute he is in the door asking over and over "what is so secretive that you need me out of here for." over and OVER and OVER.
Now--to my credit I can remain very calm and I politely asked him to please leave so I could finish waht I was doing. Of course he just came in more and more.. He has a good 5 inches on me and thinks he can intimidate with it. NOT. So i have nowhere to go. BS9 is in the adjoining room watching all this. I told him to run and get dad. At this point SS16 is trying to physically pick me up and move me from the room. I calmly have his head pushed down to keep him off balance. H comes in there and SS16 figures out he is in DEEP. SS16 backs off a bit finally and is pushed from the room so H an I can talk. SS16 keeps trying to interrupt and H (bless him) pipes in with the adults are talking, wait your turn boy.
SS16 goes crazy and starts screetching and beats hole in door we just closed.
and then the wall in his room
and then the door in his room (hollow door all the way through)
so of course H and I can't finish talking so H knows what was going down. H has to go deal with SS16 and I am just getting my BS9 out of the house at this point.
Come home.. H has bought new doors and is sleeping in bed (doors in the garage) and I am putting groceries away (been about 3 hours by then). House is quiet and BS9 and I are doing our thing. BS9 sleeps in my room because he doesn't feel safe! H wakes up to ask what we r doing and I tell him and he replies "jc" and I told him if he didn't like it to leave.
So I am being terrorized by SS16 daily tortured with any and all noise possible...fridge door opening closing for 5 minutes constant...scraping toast for 5 minutes each slice.. I am at my wits end!!! And the kid DOESN'T GIVE A CRAP!!! nor does he act remorseful or sorry at all. It is a power thing with him..
Anyone have any good suggestions here? I want to put his butt outside with the dog today so my blood pressure can come down a bit. aarrrggggh
PS. I took pictures of the damage this am with my neighbor looking on (neighbor is BIG TALL guy and a sweetheart as he has been through the same stuff) just to document it in case H and I decide to file a police report on the damage.
- Grumpy's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
S
S
BS, SS, Father, Stranger,
I don't care who it was. If anyone puts a finger on me DH will make sure they have hell to pay. There comes a time, with some boys, when they think they are tough enough and can do what they want. My favorite song, by Garth Brooks, The night I called the old man out, he sings about how much his dad always thought he was right, one night his brother called his dad out, brother came back in with a bloody nose, blah blah blah. The point is, that was calling the old man out and dad should have whipped his ass, literally.
NO NO NO!!!!
NO child should EVER put their hands on you!!! Period.
This is not an offense which can be simply "swept under the rug". If DH is not going to do anything about it, then YOU have a right to protect yourself (and in effect, your BS).
Tell your DH that he HAS to put rules in order WITH CONSEQUENCES and follow thorugh EVERY TIME (such as):
*no physical damage to the home (doors, walls, etc)
*no touching people in anger- EVER
*no throwing things in anger- EVER
*no foul language in the home
*no interrupting when adults are speaking
And the consequences can be things like:
*taking away cell phones, tv privildges, gaming privildges,
time away from friends/activities, etc.
And it has to be immediate!
And if DH does not insist, then tell him the next time his son puts his hands on you, you will call the cops, because it is ASSAULT- plain and simple. At 16, this kid is probably pretty big and could inflict some serious damage if he wanted to. My own BS15, is over 6'2" and TOWERS over me at 5'5", but he KNOWS that if he EVER put a finger on me, he'd be either in jail or dead.
This kid seems like he needs some counseling. Have you and DH talked about persuing that avenue?
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I would file the report
if SS does not do it again, fine. His record will clear when he is 18. But you need to keep a record in case he does this again, it is important to document everything. You never know what some kids will do. BTW you were totally RIGHT to have your son sleep in your room with you.
DH needs to rein him in
with some serious consequences. If he won't, like they said, next time call the cops. Where is his mom and can he go live with her??!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Two options...
One, make him get a job and get involved in a team sport. The kid has too much time on his hands and too much energy. When my SD was 16 she was getting into goth, skulking about the house and irrating the sh@t out of us. We enrolled her in a sport and they worked her butt off. She was too exhausted to cause problems at home. That combined with a job should show him some discipline.
Two, if he won't do the above, ship him off to live with his BM. See if she'll put up with his stuff.
You and DH need to put up a united front to get this kid under control. Whatever you decide to do needs to include some kind of action/consequences for his behavior. The sooner the better!
SD has moved out! Happy days are here again!!
sorry.. i was caught up in work... but got the replies!
Hi all! I want you to know that I did file the report and had my big strong neighbor help me get the pictures of the damage. His doctor has referred us to a counselor for him and is siting ODD as well. We'll see. I know he is making these choices on his own.
I WISH he could go to BM. But that is exactly what he is working for. My H is being really supportive right now too. We have set out his punishment for this "outburst" and it is strict! He doesn't have a computer (porn) lost his cell phone (grades and texting when we are trying to talk to him and in class) so all that is left is ipod.
Of course he can't come up with any punishment. That would be too easy! So after an hour of BS we finally have punishment lined out on paper. He just doesn't care. I have said to him what is needed to be said and then I walk away. SS16 is getting so frustrated because I am taking his control away. As is my H. (sorry I do not know what DH stands for?)
SS16 refuses to get involved at school (because he isn't going to live here much longer he thinks) can't get a job yet (he is almost 16 close enough) but for that matter SS16 won't go look either.
H is demanding repayment for the replacement doors in the house along with everything else that SS has destroyed.
I just find it so frustrating that SS will sit there and just keep digging and digging at me and H and BS9 and it is SO HARD to be adult and walk away.
I keep telling myself that it is in my power to limit comments and expect requests to be obeyed. But I sure need a good soak in the tub!!
Thank you all for the support.. I really feel like I'm living in an alternate reality at times!
The light at the end of the tunnel is NOT a train!!
I'm glad your getting him to a therapist
ODD is a tough one, especially in teenagers, with their hormones raging. I dealt with ODD when my older son was much younger (around 10) and it was even difficult in those ealier years, so I can't imagine dealing with it once the testosterone is in full-swing.
I hope you find success once he is evaluated and regularly seen by a therapist.
However, let me caution you:
YOU cannot and should not be the primary discipliarian with your SS. This role should be reserved for your DH ("dear husband", by the way).
As his stepmother, he is already resenting the hell out of you- don't give him any more ammunition to hate you. This is his father's role to set the rules and enforce the consequences.
I wish you the best of luck!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
thank you 5teen
Up to this point, I HAD been the primary as my DH was gone alot. Like 3 weeks out of the month. But DH is home all the time now and is not traveling at all (yeah!). I have defered the discipline to my DH.
I always get the back talking and passive aggression.. but gee that doesn't occur when DH is around. Go figure!!!
So now it is the DH that sets punishments and consequences and the family rules are written out for all to see in DH writing. And it is the DH that is following up on the behaviour of the SS and BS as well if I indicate there were issues. Of course SS tries to deny/lie/talk over me and my DH shuts him down and says that he will speak to him when the adults are done talking and to go _____ (wherever/whatever etc).
I feel bad that my DH has to deal with this when he gets home from work but it is how it is now. And it is slowly getting a little better. Or at least the SS is losing the control he had been asserting over the family and we are seeing that now. He actually was trying to backtalk yesterday, I redirected and left. He followed with intent to say more.. I looked him in the eye and said "Do you have a question for me about what you are supposed to be doing?" SS replied "I forgot what I was going to ask" and left.
So there is a clear example of something sinking in!!!
The really bad thing about being a SM IMHO, is that I have been here for him his whole life, gotten bullies off his back, taken to dr, cleaned up when sick, fed, clothed, loved this child and then the BM comes along, claims I am a controlling B*tch and tells SS that he does not need to do a thing I ask.. the SS is only here until she can take my DH back to court to try to overturn sole physical and legal custody order my DH has!! And has had since the initial court battle years and years ago. The BM is just awful and is out to wreck as much as she can..
i could go on and on about her too.. but. I like to keep my blood pressure down lol
I hope the counselling helps.. SS had gotten some from a student counsellor one summer (without our permission) so that is really messed up as my DH never talked to the counsellor about home issues and to get the truth out!
Does anyone else have extreme issues with lying/stealing? Just wondering if it is just us..
thanks again all.. you are my sanity!!!
The light at the end of the tunnel is NOT a train!!