Going back
I've been a little down this past week, because I feel my HB doesn't support me when it matters. I was looking at all of my past blogs and just sobbing. Nearly every one of them are repeated later on down the road. To me that is a sign that it's not getting better like I may have thought. The same issues are ongoing. I just can't get over the fact that the person whom I married and made vows with is still so wipped by his ex! It makes me wonder if it was really over. I can't even look at him, touch him or be intimate with him the way I should as a wife. I find myself instead of being a social drinker, drinking alone every night. Maybe that's a wakeup call. I can't wait for the kids to go to bed so I can drink. So pathetic!!!!
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Oh, hun, I'm so sorry
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
You've got so much going on and I'm sure you're just overwhelmed-and wondering what has happened to your life.
The situation with the ex doesn't help, either, and neither does his resistance to change the dynamics with her...I wish I could offer something more than sympathy, but i have no wise words.
I feel like you, on a different level tho. My issues are H & SD17, and I don't have any hopes left of it ever changing for the better. My only hope is to plan for life on my own again.
My heart goes out to you-all those kids to raise, and feeling emotionally estranged from your husband. Have you tried to talk to anyone (counselor, family member, close friend) about this?
P.S. Don't feel alone-you're not the only one is now having a
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
drink every evening. I have never in my entire life been one to have a drink alone at home. I drink socially, but H does not so basically, I haven't had more than a couple of beers UNTIL a month or so ago. Now I have a drink EVERY NITE.
Am I worried about becoming an alcoholic? No. I have a drink intentionally, to loosen up, because I have been so upset, so many times since I married this man. And I probably will continue to do so until I get the situation resolved.
Why is it
up to us to resolve the situation? Isn't marriage two people coming together as one? A friend asked me today if I would recommend marrying someone w/ kids. I said no, unless you get all info needed to access the situation from your own perspective. By that I mean you need to witness your DH interaction w/ the ex and skids from the outside. That's something I wish I would have done when we were dating. I should have took it as a sign when I went to his house and she had written her birthday on his calendar.
Amen! I also wish I could
Amen! I also wish I could have observed my FH and his interactions and reactions to his kids and ex before jumping in. When I met FH I only saw him and his heart like most dating couples, I knew he had kids but assumed they and the ex were of stable mindset, why? my own foolish idealism. His weakness's became my burden in the long run and now? who knows what will happen. Hindsight is 20/20.Try not to beat yourself up
Yes I have talked
to couselor, family and friends. That's all fine and dandy but when it comes down to it the person that really matters to me doesn't care and doesn't understand or even want to. He basically tells me he wants me to be happy so I pretend everything is ok so he'll be happy. He doesn't want to fight so I just let it be, and I let things go. I'm so tore up inside and alone. I do love him, would go to hell and back for him. I don't feel he would do the same for me. It's been proven time and time again. I have been the one to do the research on court, provide the funds for the custody, stand up to BM, and for who? Not myself. HB calls it drama. His words(the drama needs to stop) My skids disrespect me, our family etc. I don't think I'm asking a whole lot. Just to be a united front when skids or BM attacks. That's it. He can't even do that. So what happens when it's an issue worse than dealing with BM? I have no faith in my HB. That's not right. I need more, I deserve more.
You're 100 percent right-if your husband won't set the tune
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
with BM, with skids, you're fighting a losing battle.
When I first started posting on here, I thought I had two really big problems-H and SD17. After working thru my feelings, the hurts, the disrespect, I came to realize I have one problem-and it's H.
If he wanted a "real" marriage, if he would discipline SD17, make her at least act respectful of me, if he himself would respect me, we could have a lovely life. But he won't. And I'm already fed up with it. I've lost that lovin' feelin' as the song goes.
Any you're also right-we can cry on here (it helps at the moment), cry to our family, friends, but it won't change things. The only ones who can actually change things for the better is our husbands, and they won't.
So that leaves us with a situation we have to create our own solution for. I am working on mine-I won't be long in this marriage. I don't know what your personal solution is. Only you can decide that.
It is up to us to provide the solution because we are the ones
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
who are unhappy. Of course marriage is supposed to be two people coming together as one. And many marriages are just that.
We married men who obviously do not see it that way.
Again, as we are the ones who are unhappy with the situation, we are the ones who have to find a solution for our own happiness. I don't know about your H, but mine is certainly happy to come, do nothing, have fun and games w/his kids, while I am, literally, left on the floor. So he's happy. It's no skin off his nose when his daughter flounces in and is rude to me. None whatsoever. Because it's not BEING DONE TO HIM. He couldn't care less how I'm feeling.
you are dead on with your
you are dead on with your comments here... you clearly have evaluated the process of how you have come to this point in your life, and wow! you hit the nail on the head. It is exactly what went through my head.
Been there...
I've been there also a while back. For me, the answer was to take care of myself first and be kind to myself. I substituted the evening booze for Karate and I stopped drinking entirly because it became apparent that I was drinking to medicate myself and relieve my anxiety...THe fact that you notice that your drinking has increased and you see a pattern is something you should be proud of yourself for...Now, it's just a matter of deciding what feelings trigger your desire to drink and finding something to substitue it with. Only the individual can decide whether or not they are an alcoholic but the fact that you are aware of and concerned about your drinking is a good sign that your not...
In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~ disgusted
To be very honest
I don't know what to do anymore. Keep trudging through and hope it gets bettter or cut my loses now and deal with heartache. I know I love my HB, I just have no faith in him to be on my side. It's hard. I already know what it feels like to be married to someone and be disgusted by their lack of a backbone. It's becoming that way with my current DH. Who do you turn to when you can't lean on your own DHs shoulder?
It hurts
when the one you love does not consider your feelings or treat you as an equal. I told my DH last night that he doesn't respect me or my feelings. He thinks he's the greatest husband because he provides for me financially. He's emotionally immature. He's doesn't provide me with the important things - love, respect, affection or friendship. He ALWAYS twists things around on me when I try to explain why I'm feeling so hurt. He and Skids treat me like an outsider. I told him that last night along with the fact that he treats them like they're still babies (19, 18 & 16). He admitted that he does and said there's nothing wrong with that. He also said that "oh, now that they're older, I'm supposed to forget about my kids"! He NEVER hears what I'm saying! I'm so tired...
leaving with child together
I also am very tired of being a stepmom. My stepson is now saying I am treating him different since my daughter was born. HE WAS 2 WHEN SHE WAS BORN! I have not treated him differnt in any way. now my stepson is 6 my daughter is 4 and my stepson is breaking her toys writing on her dolls and telling her that the grandparents are his grandparents and not hers. Im afraid if I leave my husband and he see's our daughter every other weekend. Im afraid my stepson will hurt her. She gets so angry because he tells her all these things and she doesnt understand. my husband is doing nothing and acts like there is nothing going on. SO does one leave the husband for themselves? or do you stay in it for your own child?
I stay because
it would be financial suicide because of our house & because I could not trust my son alone with my husband everyother weekend. My skids aren't the problem. My husband never hears the baby wake up & zones out alot. He doesn't watch him the way I do.Also my husband would be hell to deal with if we were divorced when it came to our son.
That is why I stay.
Thats really sad. I too felt
Thats really sad. I too felt trapped when I was married to my exH...but he became emotionally, verbally & once physically abusive towards me. I HAD to leave FOR my son. I made him move out, got a roommate & he started paying child support. With my job, a roommate & cs I was okay. It was scary though, being on my own with a 2 yr old. But I'm so glad I did. I met my now DH 3 months later. And finally after about 3 yrs apart my EX started to accept our divorce, get along with me & quit trying to pull PAS with our son. Luckily when he moved out his job transferred him to a different state.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
I stay because
Maybe this should be its own topic. I find it very intriguing.
I stay because:
* My daughters deserve stability in their lives.
* My daughters love their father, despite everything.
* I don't trust my husband to parent our daughters properly.
* I would have to let my husband have our daughters while he has SD15, and he's not capable of paying attention to anyone else when she is around.
* As long as I am in the picture, I can mitigate some of the damage wrought by SD15.
* My daughters deserve to have their father actively involved in their lives on a daily basis.
sweething, financial suicide is exactly why i'm still married
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
I just don't know if I can keep myself together for 2 1/2 years (how long it will take me to get thru school). I'm so tired of being told to do something (like buy this, that that he wants me to buy-and it's not stuff for myself) and then getting ripped over it.
I'm sick of being treated like a moron, when he and I both know I am far smarter then he (except when it comes to men, obviously).
Sick of being blamed for huge expenses that are his-how do you justify blaming someone for your own expenses?
Sick of being treated like an outsider in my own home. Sick of the drama, sick of 10 to 15 phones calls A DAY from him, bitching me out. Because I don't have a job. Because HE told me to quit mine when we married, so we'd have time together when he's off.
Just sick of it all.
we do
WOW The things we do for our children to make there lives the best that we can.
I'm so glad I found this website. you ladies are great!