Letter from BM
So about 2 weeks ago, SS9 came home after his weekend visit with the BM. She sent a letter home with him, which he proudly proclaimed to his dad that it was from his mother and BF was not allowed to read it! This crap happens all the time. She sent him home with a "journal" to document everything that happens in BF's house and also to document his "feelings" about it. Making sure to inform SS of everything she thought was inappropriate that his Dad does (ie: talking on the phone to me instead of attending to SS's every single WANT, working too hard to pay the bills, not buying SS toys and video games when he wants, BF disciplining him for not doing his homework and being a brat, etc.) This was her way of trying to intimidate BF into thinking she was going to get full custody again. Didn't work. Well, SS rubbed the journal in BF's face for weeks, then of course forgot about it. I know SS is only 9, but I hate the way he tries to make BF feel like crap all time. He's almost as manipulative as his crazy mother.
Anyway, back to the letter. So last night SS asks BF if he would like to read the letter and BF does. It said things like "I am so sorry you are so lonely and your life is so bad. If I could be there to fix it, I would. Mommy loves you and just know that you don't have to be TOUGH because god did not make you that way. He made you smart, interesting and sensitive." WTF????!!! :? What was that about. SS seems to be doing good, and then BM puts these ideas in his head that he is miserable and lonely. Funny thing is, when he lived with her, she ignored him and sent him to his room to play video games all the time. As a result, the kid has ZERO social skills and is stranger than strange. And now he has no friends, because honestly, kids don't like him. If he is really lonely, it is her fault!!
Things between the BM & BF have been relatively quiet lately (she's happy, she's not paying CS and BF's not doing much about it at this point.) So why did she feel the need to mess with SS's head again. What was that crap about being tough? Yes the kid is a Wimp with a capital W!!! And BF & I think that he definately needs to toughen up, he cries for everything. But there has not been any discussion or confrontation about it with SS lately, and definately not the BM. So we were just wondering why this stupid letter came out of the blue. BM's insane, I guess that's the only reason!!!
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OMG I Just love you b/c you
OMG I Just love you b/c you are living my life and you know it!!! That letter makes me want to claw my eyeballs out. I would really like to think that if my 8 month old son grows up to act one bit as weird and useless as our stepsons, I won't put crap into his head about "it's ok to not be tough." I would also like to think that if me and DH ever got divorced, I wouldn't be stuffing retarded thoughts into my son's head and mind-raping him the way these BM's do. I would also like to think that as much as I might love my BioSon, I need to BE AWARE that he is fully capable of manipulation and other such negative behavior. And more than anything I hope weirdness isn't genetic.
Fake it til you make it!
I love the way you put things!!!
You are right, sometimes its scary how similar our lives are!!Mind raping is exactly what she does to him. Seriously, we were starting to get to a place of normalcy, and SS was even acting somewhat "normal." But she can't stand for things to be "normal!" Why do they coddle these kids until they can't function as normal human beings? Basically that is what she was doing by writing the letter, babying him. The judge during the Custody hearing even told her not to coddle him anymore. But she keeps on keepin on!! When she drops him off after her visitation, she hugs and kisses him to a disgusting degree. She pets him and presses his face to her ugly chest for minutes at a time. I'm sorry, but my mom never did that to me. It is really gross to see. So the kid is now strange, socially inept, and a brat. She has told him that he should always tell the truth and speak his mind, and express himself. I want to shove that "express yourself" up her arse!! So he believes he is free to say anything he wants to an adult and be rude because he is telling the truth. Give me a break!!! I have seen the other kids in BF's family and they are normal little kids, so I am pretty sure the weirdness comes from her side!! Thank god!
UGHHHHH BM is the same way
UGHHHHH BM is the same way over here. BM and SS kiss on the lips all the time. I know a lot of parents do that with their kids, but I'm sorry, that is NOT COMFORTABLE for me. It makes my skin crawl when SS comes up to me and says "Kissy, Kissy?" and sticks out his lips. Bleh.
SS cried one time b/c he only told his mommy he loved her twice before he left and he only got one hug. She had to come over for another hug.
I wonder how much of it is just the way SS was born, and how much of it has been sculpted and finely crafted by BM and godforsaken Nanna.
Oh yeah, one more thing: Nanna does the Easter Bunny and Santa and all that for SS. She leaves trails of glitter to mark the Easter Bunny's path and SS just loves that. Could this situation be even more creepy. And if anyone replies to this post that the glitter is a cute idea, especially for a 3rd grade boy, I will have a stroke.
Fake it til you make it!
The BM is evidently trying to salve a her own guilt
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
and doesn't give a hang what it does to her son. Hopefully your H countered all of her "unhappy, sensitive" crap. She's practicing mind control...tell anyone, but especially a kid, that their life is lonely, bad often enough and they'll start believing it.
It takes a thousand atta boys to make up for one bad comment-thanks again Dr. Phil. Sounds like your H has his work cut out for him, trying to counter BM's poisoning mind. As for the journal? What garbage. Maybe H needs to have SS start another one-requiring that he write one good thing about what happened, or about himself, each day. The only way to fight a negative is with a positive.
That's a good idea BW
I have to admit, that when that whole Journal thing came up, I was negative and on the defensive. I had BF start writing his own "journal" of things the BM did that were wrong (and there were a lot.) Of course, SS knew about it and word got back to the BM and low and behold...the journals stopped!
But maybe for xmas, I will get SS a journal and tell him he is to write down only positive things in it. What he's grateful for, what he loves about his dad, himself, etc. to counteract the BM's brainwashing.
journals
how about a journal where he gets to write and say whatever he wants, and not have to please anyone? they make journals w/ inspirational/positive sayings on the pages, which would set the tone, but it might be nice for this little boy to have a place to freely say what he wants, to work through some of his feelings. when i was young my journal did that for me, but i know if anyone had set rules or limitations, it wouldnt have appealed to me.
just my .02!
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
I raised boys and know the damage a negative parent
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Can do. My ex made no pretenses-my youngest son was his favored child. He was bright, athletic, outgoing. My oldest, while still intelligent, struggled more. And was of a slighter build. And a more-yes, I'm going to use the term-sensitive kid.
My ex and I fought alot about his treatment of my oldest. Ex was always making cruel remarks to him, put downs. Constantly. I tried to intervene. Tried so hard to make him see what he was doing.
Now my oldest is the one who has gone AWOL from his family. I hope someday he'll return; but it's sad.
We deal with these infatuated overindulgent fathers and the fallout from that everyday. There is the flip side, the kid who can do no right, the kid who endures constant negativity, and it's just as bad. Just in a far different way.
I am sorry to hear
about your son and the way your ex has treated him. That must have been terribly hard on him. I hope for your sake, and his, that he can come to terms with everything and be a part of your family again.
The idea of the written "positive" thoughts actually is
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
a little variance on what the therapist had me do when I was feeling so valueless, so deperately unhappy after my first marriag ended. She had me saying postive mantras to myself in the mirror every morning. At first, I felt pretty foolish...but it must've done some good, bacause my reactions this time are different. I don't spend hours crying, because I am not the weak insecure woman I was at that time.
So, let him write away! But whether it's written, or said, positive input, even when you don't necessarily feel like, eventually works its way in.
God didn't make you tough?
Sensitive smart interesting?
What is she hoping he'll never meet a woman so he can never leave home?
That's a little strange. Oedipal even.
Very crazy.
Unintelligent, insensitive and well...ok. Still interesting peek into the woman's warped soul!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I'm sorry but....
I would make a journal for him to use at YOUR house only and tell him to save the journal his mom sent for her house! There is no need to have a community journal that roams from house to house and supplies BM with all the latest gossip (which is exactly what she wants).
I agree with you Sita
It is a little Oedipal. It freaks me out. She is just mentally unstable. While he is weird and the strangeness does bother me (sometimes to no end) every once in a while I see the potential for him to be out from under her spell and be a normal, happy kid!! All of you ladies are correct in that she is WARPED!!!! Honestly, I have never dealt with anyone like this in my life. She is bipolar, but my brother was married to a Bipolar woman, and she never did the crap to her daughter, that this woman does to her son. And she is definately getting "ammunition." I don't think she was trying to hide that fact. Bottom line is, She blew it!!! She lost custody. Her own sister called CPS on her and they stepped in. Then she went to a mental institution and was supposed to be going to AA meetings. But of course all that was short lived. That is how BF got custody. She lives an hour and 1/2 away from BF, so he did not know everything that was going on in SS's life. SS has been taught by BM to hide everything from BF. BM was having SS make her Gin Martini's at 7 yrs old!!!! SS actually told the CPS worker how to make a martini!!!! He was having to make his own dinner and tuck himself in at night!! BM's mother called BF and asked him to take custody of SS until BM got back on track. Well, how could BF sit back and let SS go back to her after all that. So he went to court to get primary custody and he won. Well, now BM & BM's mother are soo pissed, they keep thinking they are going to find a way to win back custody, mostly by messing with SS's head. The journals are just part of their game. BM's mother was the one that asked BF to take custody, now she feels so guilty that her daughter lost custody that she is worse than the BM!!!!! It's a messed up situation. But all the craziness had kind of stopped for a while, then this new letter appears and it feels like they are up to their old tricks. I wish she would just leave SS alone and let him be a little kid (as much as that is possible, since he's sooo weird thanks to them!)
I'm sure the difference is that this BM isn't JUST BP
But borderline or some variant there of.
And an alcoholic by the sounds of having her son serve her up martinis.
EEK.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
The journal has gone by the wayside for now.
The journal did stay at BF's house, but I have no doubt BM eventually thought it would be evidence for her to use in court. Once BF made it clear he was starting his own journal, the writing in the journal (I suspect BM's hounding of SS to write in the journal) stopped. I don't think SS has picked up the journal since the summer and no more mention of the BM's own journal has been made. Isn't the whole journal thing ridiculous? It makes me want to barf honestly. Some of the things we all deal with is just outrageous.
She is an alcoholic
She was supposed to go to AA after her stint in the mental hospital, but that lasted for about a week. Supposedly she is no longer drinking, but we have heard of instances where she has gone off the wagon. She's just a messed up individual. And I know it's important for SS to have both parents in his life and I know he loves the crazy beotch, but it frightens me that he will never have a chance in life, because she will always handicap him with her crazy brainwashing.
drug addiction is very common
For both BPs and BPDs.
I call it self medicating.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra