My marriage to H
As part of detaching myself from H, putting the short history into words is one of my "chores". And actually, posting on here, password protected and all, seeing you all's responses to the behaviour I sometimes fail to recognize as strange, is theraputic.
Dating H was pretty normal, acutally. Due to the long period of time we dated (2 commitment phobics,yes, after my horrible first marriage I became terrified of marriage) there were breakups and makeups. Nothing too strange about that. H took me on wonderful trips-to California, to Vegas, Missouri, short weekend romps in the city...and gifts! always bringing me something. Flowers, a candle, diamond bracelet, even bought a new mustang convertible because I loved the convertible we rented in California.
Fast forward-getting married. We went to the beach, just the two of us, to tie the knot. Had a minister say the vows. Wedding nite-(you all know I'm sure, that after years of dating, we'd been intimate more than a few times). I go in the bathroom, to change into my "wedding" lingerie. Come back out to find H in bed, under the covers. With the airconditioner turned to its highest setting. I'm freezing in the lingerie, so turn the ac off so we can enjoy each other. H starts yelling and screaming at me for turning off the ac. I try to turn it on, just on a lower setting. He's still screaming at me. There is no intimacy. I go sleep on the couch. He sleeps in the bed. That was the beginning of my marriage to this man. And it hurts to write it out, but it needs to be said, I had to get it off my chest. H is lying in the bed, yelling Oh, My God, What Have I Done? (referring to getting married).
My son gave us a wedding gift. My sisters gave us a wedding gift. My parents gave us a wedding gift. We did not get so much as a card from SD's.
Arrive home the following week. H goes off to work. Sheriff is at
the door with a summons for H who is being sued for an unpaid bill from 4 years ago. This is the man who swore to me he had his fianaces all cleared up, from earning an exceptional salary in the oil fields. H is furious with me for being upset.
Week 2 of marriage. H informs me that SD13 will be coming to live here. With me. Not with us, with me, as H works in another state. I refuse. Told him I raised my son alone, am not going to raise his D alone. He had years of us dating-months of planning our marriage. Not once did he even mention this. His response: he will get an apartment where he works for him and SD's. Not for him, SD's and me, but just for him and SD's. Of course, he didn't-that would have cost money-but you'll notice that if I wasn't willing to raise his child alone, he wasn't willing to have me as a part of the family. He called BM (not infront of me of course) and explained to her that SD13 would not be living with me-they had obviously made this decision together prior to us getting married, and not one word of it was said to me.
Meantime, SD17 is constantly making references to when is SD13 coming to live here-is this SD13's new bedroom-constantly. So I now know H, BM & SD17 were aware of the plans to have SD13 live with me. I, obviously, was the only one not consulted.
Week 3 of the marriage. H had a hottub (he bought it before we married, I knew nothing of it). He started installing it in the backyard. He did not say a word about it to my parents, who own this house and live next door, who do not want a penny of rent from us. After he leaves (hot tub sitting in yard now, but not hooked up) my mother comes over and is crying. Says she doesn't want the hottub in the backyard. They (my folks) feel it is a liability risk and don't want to cause problems - my parents are 75 & 79, BTW-but don't install it. I tell H. He is furious. He is not going to do one more thing to this house. He is not going to live here. I can just live here myself, but he's getting something else. Of course, he doesn't, as that would cost him $$$.
Week 4 of marriage. H's mom is in the hospital. Packing to go see her, H tells me he's sick of this little person (that would be me) always being in the way! I say, well, you just go alone then. He is then all please, please come. Beg, beg. I go. Visit his mom. go to the motel room. He is mad because his wireless won't work. Throwing things around the room. Tells me I irritate him. Tells me he's not happy being married. Asks me what I'm going to do about it-this goes on for like 3 hours. Until we go to bed. Ragging on me for 3 hours in this motel room. Next day, H acts as tho nothing has happened.
The following months were filled with Sd17 & H and their tag team behavior.
I think that's pretty much up to date. There have been alot of less severe altercations here. Many of them, H letting me know I am of no importance here in my own home. H telling me that if something happens to us, he'll never get married again because he doesn't like to have to compromise. C'mon, he's 44 yrs old. And even tho he never married the ex formally, they lived together for 5 years. Had kids together. He's not some young ignorant boy who had no idea of what marriage involved.
There. I feel ashamed of it all. I feel like a fool for being taken in by his adoring behavior when we were dating. It's out there now, and thank God for this site, for you all, for boosting me up enough to make the decision to do something about it other than just cry.
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Comments
What a nightmare!
My first husband (that I am embarrassed to say I spent 20 years with) was Dr. Jeykl and Mr. Hyde personality-he could be so charming (British and sophisticated) and then turn into someone I did not even know (nor would you want to). I felt so stupid for marrying him in the first place!
I was terrified my second marriage would end up like that but thankfully I am married to a wonderful thoughtful man-whose only vise is to adore and worship (guilt parent and spoil) his 16year old son-but that is another story!
You have a game plan-one day at a time!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
I think
you are about the BRAVEST person I know, Bewitched! All of us make mistakes. All of us see things one way, misread the signs, or get in WAY too deep before we know it.
By telling us all your very private, personal, hurtful stories, and getting it out there, you have done a very brave thing indeed. You've purged your soul.
And I bet now, you can truly look forward, with a new resolve, to get out of this extremely TOXIC marriage. Away from this man who does NOT DESERVE YOU. And on to a better life for you.
You should be holding your head up proud each moment he tries to knock you down emotionally, spiritually, (and physically).
You are my hero, Bewitched. You stay strong.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
completely agreed, it takes
completely agreed, it takes strength and courage to be honest in this way bewitched, all I can say is, as 5teens said, you deserve better, and I'm so happy to hear you are taking steps to get it. Life is too short to be treated so shabbily..
Much respect and support to you!
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
Will he consider medication?
My DH struggles with depression but never realized it. His mother is the same way. I finally convinced him to talk to his doctor and he put him on some mild antidepressant and things have been SO much better. Even he will admit that there are cases where he can recognize that, without the medication, he would be yelling and throwing things and belittling me. Now he can be more calm and rational and see my point of view better. It helped us a TON.
I have to agree with vic
The man has got to be bi-polar or he's a substance abuser or the worst kind, a combination of both.
I bet your kicking yourself for not turning around and getting the marriage annulled after the whole SD13 coming to live with scheme came to light. Who ARE these people? Your stories are twilight zone scary with the characters involved.
Keep your chin up, lady. You don't deserve this. You got grifted by a con man. It could happen to anyone. We're raised to want the happily ever after, but damn it stings when your prince turns out to be a toad.
I'm glad your parents are nearby. I know you feel ashamed, but have you talked to them about any of this? Do you think they know what an a$$ he is? I would think based on proximity it would be hard for them not to.
Stay strong, you can get out of this.
anger issues
I think we all know that a bad marriage is not all our fault, I had an EX that was very controlling and physical and verbally abusive, I put up with it for 18 LONG years...HE NEVER thought he had a problem so counseling was a joke as well as medication..he left all that for me to do..
I am not proud of that but I am proud that I took charge of my life at last..THAT is what you are doing Bewitched-
secrets can hurt, take it from a child of alcoholic parents keeping their secret made me insecure doubtful scared - releasing all of that made me strong and I knew I could do anything I wanted if I put my mind to it
GOOD JOB!!! you go girl
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Not the bravest-perhaps the stupidest, tho
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
In answer to your questions, yep, I wanted to annul the marriage when the SD13 thing came to lite. But, my position at the bank had been taken, no jobs, so I tried, girls, I really tried to put my heart and soul into making this work.
Medication? Not on your life-or mine! I tried to get H to go to therapy with me. He refused, stating the problems are all me-he has no problems.
And I learned about keeping secret bizarre behaviors from therapy during my first divorce. Thus, my story. But, no, my parents have no clue what goes down over here. My dad had a severe stroke 5 years ago, and I cannot burden them with this. I will make my way out, and they will be told when I have the power to attain my freedom.
Your loving replies are a salve to my battered soul.
Oh my goodness - I don't
Oh my goodness - I don't know how you endure this, this man seems truly unstable. I am so very sorry for you. Please do not blame yourself, he is the one with the problem!! He showered you with gifts when he was "courting" you and now that you're married he is showing his true colors. Keep your head up and working towards your goal - it may take a little time but you will get yourself out of there and be 10 times better off and happier for it!! He can stay behind forever living with his precious princesses!!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
oh girl
that is what my ex used to tell me I was the one with the problems NOT him.
these guys self esteem is nonexistent.
poor babies, they will forever be little scared boys ALONE scared little boys.
Your poor little sad husband and his matchie matchie shoes will be out on the streets...
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
It is long past time to change the locks my friend.
Bewitched,
I am amazed that you have stuck it out as long as you have. It is time to pull the plug on this relationship. IMHO.
As they say, if it looks like a dog, smells like a dog and barks like a dog it must be a dog. Your DH and the marriage is a dog so let it go and be healthy and happy in to the future.
With your husband on the road I would file for divorce and change the locks then just call him to tell him he will have to find a place to stay when he is in town and make arrangements to have his stuff picked up. As volitile as he sounds I think the reach out and touch him (long distance) approach would be far safer than a face to face discussion.
Your parents apparently own your home and he should have no claim to the home or living there if you manage the process closely.
My hopes, prayers and best wishes are with you.
Good luck and best regards,
To me it seems as though
he has knowingly and purposely duped you into marrying him. Now that you're "stuck" he takes off his mask to show you his true self. If I was in your position I'd show his sorry ass to the door, even if it meant I had to flip burgers to pay the bills.
Yeah, he needs bewitched all right...with a freakin voodoo doll and 12 inch pins.
I'm So Proud Of You
for typing out your story. That took so much guts and emotional engery for you, but i'm sure a huge relief to finally get all that off your chest. I'm so so sorry you are having to go through this. I read your other post about your plans and when school starts etc... that is fantastic news.
I strongly believe that you will get out of this marriage as soon as you are financially stable and it will be the best thing for you. But when DH finally realises what he has lost, you make sure you still stay strong and not give in to his adoring ways.
I'm excited for you and your future plans, I really feel things will take off for you in a much more positive way.
My prayers are with you hun.
Show him the door
B - I'm so sorry your marriage has gone in the crapper. I'm sure this is not what you envisioned your married life to be like. I understand that you are not working right now but I would rather scrub toilets then deal with your H. He is a selfish prick. That he is living in a home that your parents own and you guys pay no rent and he can't even help to maintain that home that sickens me. He is a real SOB. I understand that you are starting school in January well you need to have him of the house by then so you can concentrate on your education. If you have been married only 6mths can't you get the marriage annulled? I would get ANY job I could to have a little cash. It sounds to me that he has just beaten you down and you now need to lift yourself back up. Don't let anyone do that to you! You didn't know this was going to be a mistake, you are not a mind reader you went in to this marriage with good intentions. He is verbally abusive to you and has a wierd twisted relationship with SD17. If you stay with this man you are opening yourself up to further abuse. PLEASE TELL US WHEN YOU THROW HIM OUT. Good luck. I hate to hear crap like this!
I just finished an online job application-
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
and received my school packet in the mail today. I'm praying to God to give me guidance-love the thought of school, but also know that I may not be able to live with this long enough to obtain it.
Rags-I know this should have ended before it began. I know that. But I'm not young-and tho I raised my son in poverty, my credit is sterling. There simply would not be time to rebuild it if I let my situation ruin what I have spent my life attaining. And your advice to file while he is out of town is well taken-that's exactly what I hope to do when the time is right. Unless a miracle occurs and he comes to the realization that he has serious issues and will deal with them-with both therapy and medication. But I have no real hope of that ever happening.
The last 4 years of my 1st marriage were a battlefield-and I spent several months with a therapist after it was all over with. She taught me that sharing what is ugly, sharing what I am so ashamed of, lightens the burden. You have all allowed me to do that, with kindness, insight, and love. StepTalk is a Godsend to me.
I understand wanting to keep
I understand wanting to keep your good credit intact, and with the economy right now, leaving would be tough, even if you had a job. So just disengage, work on your goals to get yourself out of the marriage, and when the time is right, kick his ass out. Do not let this man get you down!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
What is this I am not young crap
Sorry to say that old cliche but you are only as old as you feel. I have 22 year old son and I am 40 and I only finished getting my degree a couple of years ago. I went through a lot of crappy relationships until the age I am at now. It is NEVER TOO LATE TO START OVER. Remember that. Your husband is NOT going to change. If he wants to change he has to agree to go to counseling and agree to get tested to see if he is bi-polar. From what you have stated here it sounds like no way in hell he would ever do that. Get your life back! And it's your parents flippin house!!!! YOU don't have to go anywhere!
School is great post Divorce therapy IMHO.Good for you-Congrats.
After my XW left me for her Fortune 500 executive sugar Daddy who was only a few years younger than her parents I sold my business and went back to school full time. She left 4 months after graduating with her BS which I supported her through. Most of my more than 11year undergraduate career was spent as a member of SOTA (Students Older Than Average) organizations on whatever campus I was attending at the time.
Finally finished my BS shortly after my 30th b-day and my Masters when I was 36. So, don't sweat the age or the time it takes to finish. The goal is to finish.
You may very well qualify for significant financial aid in the form of grants, scholarships and interest free or interest deferred loans. The financial burden could turn out to be extremely manageable and less severe than you fear.
Regardless of when you start and finish the key is to finish. Of course you cannot finish what you do not start. Something that I heard periodically throughout my very long and intermittently distinguished college career is that the hardest thing about getting a college degree is filling out the application. When I was a young student I thought that was a load of dooky but as I got older I found it to be very true. The key is to start As I indicated above, my four year undergrad degree took me 11yrs. My 18-22mo Masters degree program took me 50mos. I was working, raising a family, being a husband, supporting my wife's (I put two through college, fortunately the second one proved to be my soul mate)college education efforts.
So, go invest in yourself and be happy. At school you may also find the ultimate benefit that I found. A caring, good person, who is interested in bettering themselves and creating a good life to spend the rest of your life with. Stranger things have been known to happen.
My best wishes are with you.
Good luck and best regards,